Bust A Move
December 8th, 2008
We went to Virginia this weekend for a belated Thanksgiving/early Hanukah celebration with Adam’s family, and let say that if you were anywhere in the range of Chesapeake during the hours of 6 and 10 p.m. Saturday night and you felt the earth move, it was me. More specifically, it was me, at 27 weeks’ pregnant doing Dance Dance Revolution on the Wii, which is not something I’ll ever do again. The thumping was unbearably loud, and I’m pretty sure I cracked the foundation, but more importantly? That shit is HARD, yo. I have a whole new respect and admiration for those who not only do it without dying, but use it as regular EXERCISE.
Perhaps the greatest pregnancy injustice, besides the inability to smell alcohol without barfing and the ongoing barfiness in general, is that I can’t eat junk food without getting sick. What IS that? Cookies! Cake! Ice cream! Anything lacking in nutritional value leaves me queasy and distressed, and I’ve taken to eating OATMEAL WITH MILK for my sweet fix. If that’s not the saddest culinary tragedy you’ve ever read, I don’t know what is. OATMEAL AS DESSERT. And not even this oatmeal. I’m talking QUAKER INSTANT.
I just need to interject with the news that it is, quite literally FOUR DEGREES outside right now. FOUR. It feels like NEGATIVE SIX, according to weather.com, which means that to normal people, it feels like NEGATIVE SIXTY. The dog wouldn’t even pee, for God’s sake, probably too afraid it would freeze outside of her wee little legs. Ah, Vermont. Your winters suck.
I’d also like to add that my baby kicks more than I ever imagined, and though there is the oft-discussed frequent kick to the cervix, there is a new kind of kick to the, uh, BUM AREA, which no one warned me about. It’s … well, it’s not pleasant, and we’ll leave it at that. But why does no one warn you of this? Why does no one mention the random BEHIND-Y VIBRATIONS? And how is it that a baby’s foot can hit … THAT AREA?
As Sundry said to me earlier today: baby kicks are magical at first, then quickly move into the realm of slightly creepy, painful and in some cases, a little gross (FOOT IN THE BUM. FOOT IN THE BUM. ALERT. ALERT. THERE IS A FOOT OR A FIST IN MY BUM.)
And finally, three things that are, as usual, in no way related:
1) Apparently I am married to an elementary schooler, as I spent the entire evening making a last-minute potato salad and chocolate chip cookies for a holiday potluck he’d forgotten about. And after standing on my feet on the ceramic tiled kitchen in the amount of time it took to prepare both, I was shocked — SHOCKED — at how tired I was. Oh, and how much my feet hurt. And my back, too. And once again, I was reminded of the poor pregnant Subway Sandwich Artist who spent the entire day serving people gross smelling sandwiches and being forced to smile at them.
2) We had a layover in DC sans plane change on Friday, but because of weird airline bureaucracy, we were forced to de-plane, take a bus back to the terminal, get off the bus, turn on our heels to GET BACK ON THE SAME BUS AND BACK ON THE SAME PLANE. IN THE SAME SEATS BOTH TIMES. OMFG.
3) Have I ever mentioned that I have a thing for John Malkovich? Even though he is so … totally creepy? And kind of gross? And super right-wing, which is only relevant because politically, we are opposites and I never wanted to be James Carville to anyone’s Mary Matalin. AND YET HE IS SO STRANGELY SEXY, EVEN WHILE PLAYING TOTALLY FOUL CHARACTERS ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. See also: Gary Sinise. And Gary Oldman. And a variety of creepy, yet strangely appealing dudes.
And with that, I’m off to put my feet up, which are sore from what, two hours making POTATO SALAD? God.
Happy Tuesday!
*Young MC. And on beginner mode, was the only song I could rock on Dance Dance Revolution, if by “rock” you mean quite literally rocking the entire house.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
31 Comments Add your own
1. derfina | December 8th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Just wait til she starts playing your ribs!
2. Sadie | December 8th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
That plane thing…boggles. Speechless!
New England winter = me typing on my laptop, in my den, in a bubble goose. My power windows were frozen UP this morning despite the car being garaged overnight; when I tried to put my window down to use my keycard in my work parking garage it would not budge.
I kinda feel you on Gary Sinise, and even Gary Oldman – but John Malkovich? NO.
3. Swistle | December 8th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
That is indeed pitiful. Make some good oatmeal! It is so good! You can cut down on the brown sugar if my version is too sweet for your intestinal intruder.
4. Blythe | December 8th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
It will not surprise you to learn that I have a John Malkovich “thing,” in fact I paid more than I could afford to see him live onstage in a very bad play during college in the early 90′s just so I could breathe the same air that he breathed. Ick, but also hmmm… I was reminded of the scenario this weekend, in fact, when I saw the new James Bond and felt weirdly attracted to that froggy French guy who plays the slimy villain. What IS that?
Just when you think the internet has told you all the strange stuff that pregnancy and childbirth have to offer, something else happens. The joy never ends.
I am highly impressed at your DDR efforts. Of course your feet hurt now. It’s not the potato salad, it’s the Young MC, Baby.
5. Lasha | December 8th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
That description of those, um, well-placed kicks had me laughing out loud. But in terms of creepy yet strangely sexy actors . . . I’ve always had a thing for Wilhem Dafoe. (I know, but those eyes, and “The English Patient” . . . )
6. Susan | December 8th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I thought I had a thing for John Malkovich, too, but after seeing him on SNL this weekend- ugh! Something about him that night just wiped all his appeal away for me.
On pregnancy- I don’t recall any bum kicking, maybe it’s just not all that common. Or- I’ve just erased the memory as I did so many other negative pregnancy related items.
7. Amanda | December 8th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Genoa once kicked me so hard that I freaked out thinking I’d rolled onto the dog and almost killed him. And my least proud pregnancy moments included the motorized carts at Target. Just saying… The feet/back/braxtonfuckinghicks did me in.
I have a creepy crush on Vince Vaughn. I mean, he’s not THAT creepy, but the reason I like him is because he seems, well, dirty. In a good way.
8. NGS | December 8th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I don’t get the airport bureaucracy thing, but I laughed a lot. Sorry for your misery, but that’s some funny stuff.
9. Suebob | December 8th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Christopher Walken. There, I’ve said it. I’m not proud, but there it is.
10. Style Bard | December 8th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Airport weirdness!
I hope I don’t run into that when I’m in DC. I tend to be tired/cranky/crying in airports as it is. Oh, and I think I’m on some kind of security list, so…yes.
Do you secretly want to try DDR again non-pregnant? I feel like it’s one of those things people can’t get enough of.
11. Tessie | December 9th, 2008 at 5:29 am
True story: a couple of weeks ago I sat next to James Carville and Mary Matalin at Chilis in the Charlotte airport. I was there for over an hour, and in that time they didn’t say ONE. SINGLE. WORD to each other. SRSLY. It was…creepy. I will say they are both incredibly good looking in person though.
I sincerely hope they are vampires with that mind-reading power though, because…creepy.
12. Julienne | December 9th, 2008 at 5:30 am
I think it’s freezing everywhere! It was -26 celsius here yesterday which I think works out to -14 fahrenheit – AHHH, I tried my very best to not have to go outside AT ALL!
13. claire | December 9th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Gary Sinise? Really? No, i can’t get behind that one. Nor John Malkovich. I do get the Malkovich one, and i definitely get the Gary Oldman one.. but not the Gary Sinise. No.
And you poor things; it’s been unbearably cold in NY, i can’t imagine what it must feel like up there. WAY TOO COLD!
14. Jess | December 9th, 2008 at 6:48 am
That DC plane change thing is just TYPICAL of this city. After all, you are near all the Very Important People and thus REMAINING IN YOUR SEATS would be a THREAT TO OUR VERY SAFETY.
Was this Dulles?
15. jonniker | December 9th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Lasha: William Dafoe, really? I … really? I’m fascinated.
(Also, Blythe, SO NOT SURPRISED)
Jess: It was Reagan. They said the reasoning behind it was a crew change, but seriously, no kidding, by the time we got back on the bus, we were the LAST PEOPLE TO GET ON THE PLANE, as they’d already been boarding ANOTHER BUS as we were deplaning. It was … it was mystifying.
16. JudithNYC | December 9th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Now you gone and broke my heart–John Malkovich right wing? Please don’t tell me that Christopher Walken or John Lithgow are right wing because I will break up with them too. I want to be able to talk to my boyfriends.
17. nonsoccermom | December 9th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Wow, I would have been beyond annoyed by the de-planing thing. What a pain in the bum.
18. Sadie | December 9th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Also, Amanda, a crush on Vince Vaughn is not that off-the-wall – I adore him. He plays the same exact part in every fucking movie, he is kind of chubby and bloated with a receding hairline, and he clearly has a drinking problem, but yeah. Tall drink of water. My boyfriend is FURIOUS when I say I’d do Vince Vaughn…he saw him in a movie with John Travolta (something about an evil stepfather?) and Vince had to throw a baseball to the kid and apparently throws HORRIBLY, like a ladyboy – my boyfriend can’t stop talking about it.
19. H | December 9th, 2008 at 8:49 am
John Malkovich is super creepy but compelling to watch and I feel Christopher Walken is exactly the same. Especially when they’re on SNL. Creeeeeeepy.
20. Nothing But Bonfires | December 9th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Oh god, I remember being on the South Beach Diet and having oatmeal for “dessert.” WITH SPLENDA IF I WAS BEING REALLY WACKY. See also plain nonfat yogurt sweetened with Splenda and cocoa powder.
If you get the “old-fashioned” kind of oatmeal by Quaker (in the cylindrical drum), put it in a bowl and cover it with milk, then microwave it for a minute and sprinkle it generously with brown sugar (can you stomach brown sugar?) when it comes out, it really does taste fantastic. I just ate a large bowl for breakfast, in fact. But it could totally be dessert. Think of it as a an oatmeal cookie!
21. Hollylynne | December 9th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Thank you for being the person to warn me about the whole kicking/bum area thing.
22. Angella | December 9th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Oatmeal with milk is wgat I eat for breakfast every. single. day.
Complete with Splenda and cinnamon.
Also. I may or may not rap along with Young MC when it comes on the radio…
(Girls a fakin’ … goodness sakin’
They want a man who brings home the bacon)
23. moo | December 9th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
I went through a JM thing for awhile too … before I discovered Alan Rickman. Who then supplanted John Malkovich in my heart and lusty thoughts for a different aged, yet creepy, yet aged way.
24. Anyabeth | December 9th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Oh man I spent the last trimester knowing that it was technically impossible but still secretly fearful that a tiny fist was going to escape out the . . .uh . . .rear hatch? I am not sure exactly how you tell people that. Except in the comment section on the internet apparently.
Oh man, I bought the high fiber instant Quaker and it is so good I could eat it for dessert. Except for that troubling dynamite effect.
I really didn’t mean for this comment to get so anal.
25. Nora Bee | December 9th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Hugo did not ever master the butt kick, I’m sort of relieved to say. he kicked just enough to let me know he was alive. But I’ve heard of these kicky baby types. I bet when you meet her you’ll be all, oh, that was YOU in there? Now it all makes sense.
26. Leah | December 10th, 2008 at 11:20 am
It’s gotten to the point that Simon’s not allowed to touch the belly during a contraction because (1) it kind of hurts now and (2) when he pokes at the baby from the front, I feel it in my butt. Gross.
Unrelated question: Do you like turtlenecks? As in Do you WEAR turtlenecks? Because I have a bunch of maternity ones that I’m not going to wear despite it’s being COLD AS BALLS here this week (meaning highs in the low 60s, mind you) because of the strangulation factor. If you want me to send them, let me know! (They’re from Amalah! If you end up not wanting them, sell them on eBay as Famous Maternity Shirts.)
27. Christine | December 10th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Did I ever tell you that Tony’s pick up line to me, after our first night together drinking at a bar was, “Wanna come over my house and play Dance Dance Revolution?” I thought it was so hilarious, that I did. Ahh. Memories.
28. beyond | December 10th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
oooh, crushes… i have tiny thing for (creepy right wing) john, too. and i have a huge thing for gary and gary. and jeremy (irons). oh and also hugh ‘dr house’ laurie. no pretty brad pitt for me, angie can keep him.
29. beyond | December 10th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
ps: first time i have hear of kicks (and punches?) to the bum area. trying to wrap my mind around that one.
30. Carolyn J. | December 11th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
The men you mentioned all have confidence and (the appearance of) intelligence on their side.
And as for DDR, there are the people who get it and the people who don’t. It’s like learning to ride a bike – some people get it right away and some need a little coaching.
31. Kristabella | December 12th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Oh God, I’ve never been pregnant but I hope that I do not have the same symptoms as you have had. I mean the aversion to fried things AND cookies and ice cream? That is just cruel.
And apparently I’m not ready to have kids when I feel that the eating part of it is the only reason to get preggo.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed