Freak of the Week
December 14th, 2008
One of the hidden costs of pregnancy, as it turns out, is the added toilet paper usage, which, if you’re toilet paper snobs like us (Cottonelle with Aloe & E), is not insignificant. I’m certainly not eating it or anything, but with the added trips to the bathroom to pee, there is a serious uptick in TP consumption that is no doubt impacting the bottom (HA!) line. Adam, who never notices anything, noticed we seem to be whipping through toilet paper at an alarming rate and it’s ALL MY FAULT.
Seriously, NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO PEE THIS MUCH. No one. Yes, I drink a lot of water, but it’s almost like I’m made of one long tube where it goes in one end, winds around unimpeded for a few moments, until making its grand exit on the other side. Third trimester peeing totally trumps first trimester peeing, is what I’m saying.
Which reminds me: OMFG I’m in the third trimester. Jenny had her baby already, and Leah is on her way and by the time you read this, may already HAVE HIM HERE. (Congratulations so far to Jenny for little Clark Herbert!) These are women I saw as my pregnant brethren, and for some reason, I kept thinking we’d all be pregnant FOREVER, together in swollen solidarity. It seems that is not the case, and babies do arrive at some time or another. Huh.
Another exciting side effect of the third trimester: the near-constant low-grade nausea is back, but without any of the coping mechanisms I had before (eat protein at every meal, keep stomach full, etc.). No, no. See also: inability to eat junk food. I couldn’t even finish a COOKIE the other night. A COOKIE. I can, however, enjoy Pillsbury Toaster Strudels without incident, which are very nearly junk food-like and just as addictive. And also DELICIOUS. DELICIOUS.
In other news, the holiday party season is upon us, and I attended my first on Saturday night (Hi R! And other attendees and friends!) wherein I discovered that I am much more allergic to cats than previously realized. Near the end of the evening, I noticed my eyes and nose becoming a little irritated, which is not unusual after a few hours with certain cats, however, it quickly became clear that things were worse than expected, so I had to leave ENTIRELY ABRUPTLY. It’s a good thing, too, because by the time I got home (an approximately four second walk), my eyes were almost swollen shut to the point of needing an ice pack. It appears that I will not be getting another cat anytime soon. Or, you know, ever. (Ours had to be rehomed last year, and while it was very sad, it was better for him, as he can’t be around a) other pets; or b) CHILDREN OH MY GOD NO CHILDREN OR HE WILL EAT THEM.)
Would you like me to come to YOUR holiday party and blow up like Sherman Klump? I’m booked next Saturday at a catless party, but other arrangements can be made if needed.
Incidentally, this coming weekend’s holiday party outfit requires maternity tights, which can only be purchased in-person more than an hour and a half away. And because I am the master of poor planning, I likely won’t make it out there this week to pick some up, so ah, does anyone know if I have any other options? Like, can I just buy some L’Eggs or No Nonsense or whatever brand my local drugstore has in their biggest size (Queen? Plus-size? LARGE? Do they even MAKE tights? Because I’m not wearing pantyhose or, as some of you call them, nylons. No can do. Nothing SHEER is going on these tree trunks, my friends) and be done with it, or is that a laughable option? I’ve gained some weight in my bum/thigh region, but I don’t know if it’s enough to push me into gigundo hosiery territory the way my belly has (I believe we have moved into the “Seriously, what is that thing?” territory there.) Oy. I’m sensing a lot of hiking up in my Saturday evening future.
I also meant to add that among the myriad of strange men I find attractive (my husband is quite conventionally handsome and not at all weird-looking, for the record), Philip Seymour Hoffman tops the list, and he might be the strangest of all. He’s SLOVENLY! And a little dumpy! And unkempt! And … and kind of GROSS. And yet: so attractive. So smart. So weirdly attractive, even while playing Truman Capote and I know how vomitously weird that sounds, but I’m sorry, it’s the truth. I almost licked the screen the other night when he was on the Daily Show.
Update: Some of you pointed me to Emily and her solution of thigh highs, which is so funny, because I KNEW I’d seen L’eggs referenced somewhere recently, but my brain is no longer functioning. And … do they make thigh high TIGHTS? Because see: no no to the sheer. No no. Also, if this doesn’t point out that as pregnant women, we are all pretty much the same with the same annoying problems, I don’t know what does. Also, I’ve worn thigh highs and man, that rubber stuff seems like it would make me want to scratch my legs off in itchy rebellion. I believe the last time I attempted it was my senior prom, and they had SEAMS down the back of them for some really ill-advised retro effect.
Hey, happy Monday!
*The Chemical Brothers
Entry Filed under: Infertile Myrtle,Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. confiance | December 14th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Thigh highs all the way! The sizing actually MAKES SENSE, they stay up allllll on their own, you can rip one but still wear the other one, and you don’t actually need a garter but can have fun wearing one anyway.
2. mar | December 14th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
gak! l’eggs, haven’t thought about them in years. they still come in those eggs? i remember playing with them & keeping ‘treasures’ in them when i was a small-ish child.
my friend in her 3rd trimester, who never had any signs of nausea except for 1 day, is now going through some pukey-ness, but she thinks/hopes it’s the flu.
i cannot agree with your attractions, though. *shudder* philip seymour hoffman. ick! and i realize that’s kindof the point. for a while there, i liked james caan, but it hasn’t really taken/stuck.
3. Blythe | December 14th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Yes. Thigh highs are the answer. If you can find them?
I think PSH has the same sort of slimy attractiveness that John Malkovich has, especially as Truman Capote. Dare I also mention Alan Rickman? Even Rod Stewart in his heyday? Johnny Depp might also qualify in his greasier moments.
4. Reagan | December 14th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Your writing is SO addictive- I’m so happy I found your blog!!
5. Kristi | December 15th, 2008 at 1:00 am
If you don’t go the thigh-high route I just wanted to point out that it may be ill-advised to just try to use a bigger size. You may end up spending the entire evening repeatedly hoisting the damn things up and cursing yourself for not driving the one and a half freakin hours to buy maternity tights! And then just finally ripping those suckers off and not giving a tinker’s damn if it looks heinous!
I may have had a similar experience during one of my pregnancies…
6. TwoBusy | December 15th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Tick… tick… tick…
7. moo | December 15th, 2008 at 6:24 am
I wish someone had told me before I got pg the first time about the sheer amount of TP that you go through. I got VERY EFFICIENT at using a square or two to wipe.
lol. You are not alone.
8. Aprylsantics | December 15th, 2008 at 6:27 am
I’ve read that people who are allergic to cats are generally only allergic to the males. The males seem to have some special protein in their saliva. My BIL is allergic to cats and when we had a male cat he had to take antihistamines before visiting. We only have a female cat now and he doesn’t have any problems. Unfortunately, though, female cats are more bitchy and quirky than males. Just thought I’d mention it.
9. Robin | December 15th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I don’t think they make thigh high tights. Can you order maternity tights from the internet and just suck it up and pay for two day shipping?
10. Robin | December 15th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Or low rise tights, if you can find them! I know Walmart stocks them sometimes, although you might not be near one.
11. Lynn | December 15th, 2008 at 7:10 am
When I was pregnant I used to wear really long dresses and then knee high socks. You can get knee highs that are quite thin and in several colours. You just need to make sure you are wearing a longish skirt — below the knees, at least.
Or, just wear some nice dress pants
.
12. Dina | December 15th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Berkshire Maternity Tights are awesome…they come up ridiculously high, like right under the boobs, but they’re the only ones I’ve found that I don’t want to rip off by the middle of the day. They’re available at an online store called Pickles and Ice Cream.
13. Allison | December 15th, 2008 at 7:44 am
My grandmother thought we should get rid of our cat before Maggie came home because the cat might SUCK THE BREATH out of Maggie. I can’t see any 1 year old allowing a cat to sit on their chest, much less suck their breaths.
Philip Seymour Hoffman–ew. I saw some movie with him in it where the opening scene was him having sex. BLEAH. No.
14. Jill | December 15th, 2008 at 8:22 am
How long will you be wearing the tights/thigh highs? I have tried both, and have to wear them for 10+ hours at work, after which point both options completely blow. A larger size hose fits ok, but after a few hours starts to get tight on the belly and makes it even more itchy. I didn’t even think that was possible. The thigh highs are great b/c they avoid the belly, but I haven’t had any luck finding them in anything but sheer, and eventually the rubber that holds them up gets tight and itchy and annoying.
That said, if you’re only wearing them for a few hours at a party I would avoid the added time and expense of finding maternity hose and just buy a size up in regular hose or tights. And then try to get over having a box marked ‘queen’ in your lingerie drawer. (fyi I think we share a due date, so hopefully this advice will work for you!)
15. Jess | December 15th, 2008 at 8:51 am
I think they make knee-high trouser socks in opaque black microfiber? Maybe that would work if your skirt was long enough? And most drugstores carry some form of plus-size tights, usually in the Just My Size (or “JMS” as they like to call themselves) brand.
16. Penny | December 15th, 2008 at 9:16 am
I found some “over the knee” tights made by Hue, found in a department store. They were, however, in the clearance bin so maybe not selling so well. Also they are really only just over the knee, I sort of stretch them up to my lower thigh which is the cut-off for office dresses, but if I go up and down stairs then they roll back down. So beware.
17. Alyce | December 15th, 2008 at 9:30 am
OTKs (over the knees) from http://www.sockdreams.com
So awesome. Many thicknesses and colors and designs (from plain to funkay).
Let us know what you choose.
18. Jen W. | December 15th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Philip Seymour Hoffman! LOVE! I actually met him in person and he is as nice and courteous and friendly as he seems on TV.
19. -R- | December 15th, 2008 at 10:34 am
I love hearing about other internet babies!
I can’t believe you are going to have a baby soon too!
I wore tights in a larger size, and they worked just fine for me.
20. ali | December 15th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Liam Neeson. rawr.
21. Kristabella | December 15th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I find James Woods strangely attractive.
As for PSH, I probably would find him attractive, if he hadn’t brought the word sharted into my vocabulary from that movie he was in with Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller that I can’t remember the name of.
22. Aprylsantics | December 15th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Hi. Second comment here, which is odd for me, since I rarely leave one.
If you watch the film “Happiness”, I promise you won’t like Philip Seymour Hoffman anymore. It would probably creep you out in all sorts of ways, so maybe you shouldn’t. It’s profoundly disturbing.
23. Briana | December 16th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
OldNavy.com
I hope they can get to you in time. I will send you the link via email. I really had to dig around their website to find them, but shipping is relatively cheap.
Thigh highs suck. I’m not preggers anymore, but wore a pair to a wedding reception. Luckily, we had to stop at Macy’s to buy a gift card. That’s when one of the “highs” starting riding my knee. I was limping along in 3 inch heels in a strapless dress trying to get to the hosiery department. PEOPLE WERE STARING.
Good luck.
24. Jack&hellip | January 1st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
nylons…
I’m going to look into this and let you know what I find….
25. Eric&hellip | January 4th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Clearance Evening Dresses…
One notable blogging tool that does not support trackback yet is Blogger. As a result, TrackBack spam filters similar to those implemented…
26. Jessie&hellip | January 12th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
strapless wedding dresses…
This enables authors to keep track of who is linking to, or referring to their articles.) Some individuals or companies have abused the…
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