The Luckiest
December 15th, 2008
For the most part, I think Adam and I are pretty well matched. He’s an incredible husband and I, for the most part, am a decent wife and generally think we deserve each other. Yay, us!
Unless, of course, you’re talking about this pregnancy, in which case I downright PITY HIM, because my God, the amount of pain and misery he’s endured is at times equal to that of refugees in war-ravaged countries. Crazymaking in the form of endless circular arguments! Unchecked anxiety about things that are entirely unrealistic and, at times, COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE! Excessive toilet paper usage! Non-stop complaining! Moodiness! THE LIST GOES ON AND ON.
And then there’s last night, in which I woke him from a dead medicated sleep to let him know that our condo was surrounded by gunmen and we were UNDER ATTACK. LIKE MUMBAI. Yeah, I’m not even kidding or exaggerating there, as he (or any of his coworkers who spent the day laughing about it) will tell you.
I had JUST fallen asleep, when I awoke to the sounds of … well, gunmen, I’m sorry, it sounded like GUNMEN. And they were EVERYWHERE. Banging on the back door! Rappelling down the building like a SWAT team! I swear, I even heard them at the front door, which is INSIDE the building, and in my mind, meant they had infiltrated beyond the locked entryway. I made the executive decision not to leave the bedroom, where at least the shades were drawn, because if I went out into the rest of the house, they would see me. AND KILL ME.
I … I got down on the floor and did that military crawl thing for a second, which is no small feat while sporting a large bump. This did not last long, however, but I was seriously SO UPSET and also, it would seem, half asleep and pregnant and uh, not rational. But whatever!
I’d like to interject here to say that once again, I am not exaggerating. I waffled on whether to call 911 or wake Adam and in that moment, I remember thinking quite distinctly, “Now is the time to call 911,” but for some reason, I opted to wake Adam first. Which, um, THANK GOD.
Waking him, however, was no easy task, mind you, as he was heavily medicated from pain meds as he awaits oral surgery, and I had to grab both of his knees and bang them together like those knocker ball thingies. When he finally awoke, I said something like, “PEOPLE OUTSIDE. EVERYWHERE,” followed by, “GET THE KNIFE,” which was in reference to this giant military-grade Man Knife I got him for his birthday last year, at the recommendation of Sundry’s husband, JB. I … I didn’t mention other weapons, including the axe I mysteriously got him at the same time, and I don’t know why. Also, let us remember that if there is an entire terrorist MILITIA outside, not even the manliest of man knives can hold a candle to, say, an AK-47. It was suicide no matter what.
I believe it was somewhere in the range of FIVE SECONDS after becoming coherent that Adam realized that the sound of militants was actually a) high winds, which the helpful newspeople warned us about; and b) the sound of large swaths of ice sliding off the roof as temperatures climbed into the 40s. Of course, he barely realized this over the sound of me whisper-screaming to get his PANTS ON FASTER AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GRAB THE KNIFE, PEOPLE ARE HERE. He did both, at my screeching behest, but again, all in vain.
This makes a lot more sense than a group of terrorists taking over a tiny building in one of America’s tiniest towns IN RURAL VERMONT where the ROI would be … I don’t know, a random dude, a pregnant lady and a pug. Not exactly large-scale collateral damage.
And with that, my gratitude for the day is that I did not, indeed, call 911 before waking my husband, as I was THISCLOSE to doing, because again, I REALLY BELIEVED WE WERE UNDER SIEGE. Actually, today in general was one of gratitude, mostly for things that seem small, but were actually HUGE GIGUNDO STRESSORS, and frankly, with all the general ankle-grabbing going on in the world, I am taking happy news wherever I can find it. Which, in this case, turns out to be the following:
- I do not owe a cent in mileage overages when I turn in my vehicle, because Honda failed to take into account TWO WHOLE YEARS of my lease, meaning I have MILES TO SPARE. (See also: NEVER LEASING A CAR AGAIN, DO NOT GET ME STARTED.) (It was an unavoidable situation oh those many years ago, however. Long story.) Savings: $4000. No SERIOUSLY.
- The “dripping sound” my tenants were hearing in the pipes when they take a shower appears to be the noise of the PVC pipes expanding and contracting as hot water rushes through them. In other words, that’s how the plumbing WORKS. I may need a whole new shower, but I do not need to rip out the ceiling of the entire house! Hallelujah! Savings: THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
- The whiny neighbor who complained about my tenants’ dog(s) let me know that while yes, one of them is quite large and menacing-looking, it turns out that she is a) geriatric, which we knew, ergo we allowed her in our home in the first place (she’s ELEVEN, and her SKIN IS FALLING OFF OF HER); and b) extremely well-behaved, which we also knew, and wow, does she love our tenants! Such nice people! Hooray! Savings: MANY MONTHS OF EMOTIONAL TURMOIL.
- And finally, there was no terrorist regime taking my building hostage last night. Savings: OUR LIVES. Or at the very least, OUR LIMBS, as Adam didn’t have to cut anything off waving that thing around before he realized NO ONE WAS THERE. BECAUSE HE IS SMARTER THAN ME AT NIGHT.
You may think I’m kidding, but dude, this was one of the best days I’ve had in months. I am very, very grateful for these things. Seriously.
Happy Tuesday!
*Ben Folds. Seriously, this is how happy I am, that I am willing to use the sappiest of the sappy songs. It borders on TWEE, for God’s sake. TWEE.
32 Comments Add your own
1. Nothing But Bonfires | December 15th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
This is the funniest thing I have read in FOREVER. Gunmen! Outside your house in Vermont! Adam waving a knife! YOU DOING A MILITARY CRAWL! It has never been better than this, Jonna. I am dying.
2. anne | December 15th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I adore this story, because I just know I would do the same thing.
Also, my fiance, who I trust dearly and has excellent taste in music and has been a musician for 20 years has a strange love of Ben Folds and that song in particular. I can’t understand it and I have named him Ben Folds biggest fan.
3. mar | December 15th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
i couldn’t even finish this post before snorting & then getting the question “what’s the matter, hon?” wherein i had to explain up to the point where you woke adam by knocking his knees together. then i had to finish by summarizing aloud for my bf. good times. i enjoy a good story like that.
also, twee is a word that is never used enough in daily conversation.
4. NGS | December 15th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I laughed hysterically at this because a few nights ago, I woke my husband up out of a sound sleep because someone’s car alarm was going off several blocks over and I thought it was the tornado alarm. Because there are lots of tornadoes in Minnesota in December?
How’d that military crawl thing work out with you all pregnant and everything?
5. She Likes Purple | December 15th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I agree with Holly. The military crawl made this story impossibly funny. I’m with Adam’s co-workers … I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.
(I’m also really ridiculously happy that things are falling into place and working out.)
6. Erin | December 15th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
This…. this whole entry is awesome and totally something that I would do too but it is always funnier to read about someone ELSE doing it!
7. amber | December 15th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Oh my god! This is the BEST story I’ve heard in forever! Hee. And you woke him up by…knocking his knees together! You completely and totally rock.
8. Suebob | December 15th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
I am sitting here trying to decide if you have crossed over from the good kind of crazy to (whispering) the other kind. Still not sure.
9. JMH | December 16th, 2008 at 2:43 am
So funny! Yet, I am glad you survived the “attack”
10. Swistle | December 16th, 2008 at 4:19 am
OMG.
No, he is still the lucky one, because he doesn’t have to BE PREGNANT.
11. A. | December 16th, 2008 at 5:36 am
I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. “A random dude, a pregnant lady and a pug.” Priceless.
12. jonniker | December 16th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Oh Suebob it was clearly THE OTHER KIND. But again, pregnant, which is already crazymaking, I’m sorry, IT IS. And also, JUST WOKE UP and NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON.
I like to think if it were a normal non-pregnant day and during daylight hours that I’d not do this. Maybe.
13. :: Plain Jane Mom Blog&hellip | December 16th, 2008 at 6:20 am
[...] very glad everything turned out well, but I have to say that this is one of the funniest posts I have read in a long [...]
14. TwoBusy | December 16th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Tempting the wrath of Ben Folds AGAIN = further proof of the crazy?
Hmm…
15. Jess | December 16th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I saw your tweet about this, and um? I thought you were talking about BREAKING wind, i.e. PASSING GAS. So glad to learn that it was REAL WIND.
16. Mandee | December 16th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Alas, it was the military crawl that did me in as well.
Glad you had good news on many fronts today.
17. Lara | December 16th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Hahahahaha. Well, Jonna, I am very happy to hear that you are alive and well and have not been attacked by terrorists.
(snicker).
18. December | December 16th, 2008 at 8:21 am
*snortgiggle*
19. Kristabella | December 16th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I am shaking so hard from laughing at my desk just picturing you in the military crawl with a pregnant belly. And that you did all that BEFORE you woke up Adam.
This is the funniest story EVER!
20. Amanda | December 16th, 2008 at 9:51 am
First class funny right there! And sorry, dear, but we’re all laughing AT you, not with you. Because we love…
The part that actually cracks me up the most is that from what little I know of JB, I’m surprised he recommended a KNIFE and not, you know, an ACTUAL AK-47.
21. Hollylynne | December 16th, 2008 at 9:55 am
You obvs. have yourself a great husband there, as evidenced by the fact that he got up AND got the knife. Bwhahaha!
22. H | December 16th, 2008 at 11:32 am
This is hysterical – and, I’m guessing it probably puts a dent in your credibility with Adam!
23. Marin | December 16th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I was only laughing reading this until I got to the part where you military-crawled on the floor. Then I moved onto guffaws. Loud ones.
24. beyond | December 16th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
the military crawl? hilarious! hi.lar.i.ous.
25. total amount of countries&hellip | December 17th, 2008 at 12:03 am
[...] Vote The Luckiest [...]
26. JavaMom | December 17th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
I’m so ROFLMAO on this b/c while gigantically pregnant with my son I woke up my husband convinced that a “heavy, heavy ghost” was trying to smother me. Then I yelled at him, “you are looking at me like I’m crazy, I’m not crazy! A heavy, heavy ghost really is trying to smother me!” Gotta love those pregnancy dreams! So glad you didn’t call 9-11!
Came to your site via Plain Jane and this was quite the hysterical post! Now all potential terrorists know not to mess with YOU!
27. Mauigirl | December 18th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
This is hilarious! I’m so sorry that you had such a panic but glad to hear it was nothing to be concerned about!
However, I have to say, when we’re in the Adirondacks and hear gunshots, there really are gunshots. Because they are hunting. all around our cabin. And I don’t trust hunters so I am constantly looking in the woods hoping they are not seeing me and the dog and assuming we are deer and training a high-powered rifle on us at that very moment.
28. breaking car lease&hellip | December 24th, 2008 at 6:21 am
breaking car lease…
Deadliest Catch ” Deadliest Catch Season 4 – What do you think so far? was very well written. Good job….
29. movin down the road | January 9th, 2009 at 11:03 am
that was me when I first moved into my condo…my first time ever with steam heat that bangs when it cranks up. Now, I barely hear it but I thought something was blowing up.
30. Major Bedhead | January 9th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Here from Oh, The Joys and good grief. This is really freakin’ funny. I actually snorted.
31. Robin | January 18th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Love it! Found you from the ROFL awards and I have to say you were one of the best!
32. credit repair vt&hellip | December 2nd, 2009 at 9:59 pm
credit repair vt…
I am going to add this website to my diggs!…
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