39 Comments Add your own

• 1. slynnro  |  January 4th, 2009 at 8:27 pm

  I often wonder if you can learn the magic mom things without actually having a baby. Because there is some magic mom shit I really would like to know.

• 2. Amanda  |  January 4th, 2009 at 8:51 pm

  Okay, woman, repeat after me:

  THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DOING IT WRONG.
  THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DOING IT WRONG.
  THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DOING IT WRONG.
  THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DOING IT WRONG.

  I know enough about you already to know that you’re gonna love this baby something FIERCE. (Seriously, if you should be afraid of anything, it should be THAT, not a meddling grandmother), and after that, there is only YOUR WAY and YOUR WAY is the RIGHT WAY and there is no other way.

  One thing I’ve learned having two kids is that no matter what *I* do, my kids are gonna be who THEY are. So you can feed them all organic flax seed and sling them and co-sleep or you can toss ‘em a bag of cheetos and throw ‘em in the crib and NO MATTER WHAT: they will turn out to be THEMSELVES.

  Your only job is to make the process as easy and enjoyable as possible for YOURSELF and your husband. You have very little to do with how they turn out. It’s sad, but true.

  And as for the mom stuff, necessity is the mother of invention! I had some friends who were like, “DON’T CALL ME FOR AT LEAST A MONTH! I MUST BE LEFT ALONE TO BOND WITH BABY!” and others who wanted me at the hospital, watching them learn to nurse. It’s personality more than anything else and you just have to decide what will work best for you.

  I am SO excited about this baby girl!

• 3. Jeff  |  January 4th, 2009 at 9:28 pm

  With our first, we were frantic and excited and panicked – and everyone wanted to be there IN THE DELIVERY ROOM, and we wanted everyone there too (in the hospital, but not necessarily the delivery room with my wife’s HOO HAAA hanging out there). But the first evening in the hospital, we kind of just found us three sitting there alone for about 4 hours, and it was AWESOME.

  We tried to duplicate that alone/”catch your breath” time with our second and third child births, but your life just gets so full with the first, its hard to get that alone intimate time. I got caught up in getting flowers, and gifts, and picking up the kids for their first visit with their new sib, but then a bunch of other people would come along for that…..

  So – if you don’t get it in the hospital, do plan on getting it SOMETIME within the first couple of days. People will be around you all the time, and you’ll be sore, and tired, and EXCITED AND THRILLED……

  Just declare that there be some time alone for the three of you. It’ll be necessary, and calming, and AMAZING.

• 4. Mimi All Me  |  January 4th, 2009 at 10:44 pm

  For me, I only want my own mother with me for the week or so after I have a baby. Not my mother-in-law, not my sister or any friends. Just my mom. Then after that initial first week, all others are allowed to come and say nice things about my beautiful baby.
  Hormones are crazy after you give birth, and new moms are known to do some completely irrational things (or was that just me?).
  P.S. You won’t be doing it wrong.

• 5. Kirsten  |  January 5th, 2009 at 12:04 am

  I’d say go with whatever makes you comfortable in the beginning. You know a metric shit-ton of relatives and friends are going to want to be around and hold the baaaaybeeeeeeee…. but it’s going to take time for you and hubs to get adjusted.

  I know personally, I would want my mother and hubby in the DR with me. That’s it. If the others want to be at the hospital in a waiting room, more power to them. Then a quick hello/goodbye and I want the rest of the night to myself.

  Personally I think you’ve got to set limits – otherwise you will feel entirely overwhelmed to begin with, and it’s already going to be a mega-adjustment for the whole family.

• 6. JMH  |  January 5th, 2009 at 2:35 am

  Thanks…now I will have the Xanadu soundtrack stuck in my head all day

  First of all, you and your baby are unique. You will NOT be doing anything wrong. Listen to your gut and it will be fine.

  For me, personally, I didn’t want anyone in the delivery room with me except my husband. we called everyone when I went to the hospital, but no one was allowed to visit until it was all over AND I had taken a shower. That gave us a chance to catch our breath and meet our new family member. So, do whatever feels right to you.

• 7. JMH  |  January 5th, 2009 at 2:37 am

  One more thing, what Amanda said is so true: “. So you can feed them all organic flax seed and sling them and co-sleep or you can toss ‘em a bag of cheetos and throw ‘em in the crib and NO MATTER WHAT: they will turn out to be THEMSELVES.” I think sometimes moms get caught up in doing things “right” and we forget that our babies are people with their own preferences and tastes.

• 8. Michelle  |  January 5th, 2009 at 4:01 am

  My parents, sister and mother-in-law insisted on being in the room while I labored. It wasn’t too bad since they kept me laughing until I finally decided to take the drugs. I had told my mom and mil that they could be in the delivery but it turned out they couldn’t since we needed a C-section.
  My mom stayed with us for a week after we got home and I don’t know what would have done without her. She was the reason I got any sleep and food.
  But you have to do what feels right for you. If you want your family there, by all means have them there. But you reserve the right to ask them to leave if it becomes overwhelming. We told everyone this ahead of time and they were fine with it.
  And you won’t be doing anything wrong. Go with your instinct. We all feel that way in the beginning (and still do some days).

• 9. jonniker  |  January 5th, 2009 at 4:43 am

  Uh, WOW, this is helpful. Thank you. First, I realized after reading your responses that there is NO WAY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH that I will want anyone but Adam in the delivery room. Not my mom, not my mother-in-law, not my sister: NO ONE BUT ADAM. I hadn’t even THOUGHT about that until you all said that.

  Also, in the room while I’m LEARNING TO NURSE? ZOMFG NO.

  Apparently I have Strong Feelings. I didn’t know that.

  Second, if this helps, the other issue is that because we live a four-hour drive from my family, most of them will either be staying with us or staying VERY CLOSE TO US. So having them drop by for a few moments here and there would be a challenge, as they really would be making a big-ass trip just to see us.

• 10. TwoBusy  |  January 5th, 2009 at 6:05 am

  Here’s the thing: it’s your baby. Which means YOU get to define the parameters of how and when people visit (at least in terms of birth/immediately afterwards). Look, there’s more than enough about this situation that’s going to be completely out of your control… the least friends/family can do is respect your wishes when it comes to the few things you CAN control, e.g. who is with you with the delivery room, when it’s appropriate for people to come and see you & Baby Shoshanna (as in: NOT an hour after delivery), when they need to step out of the room and excuse themselves (as in: your FIL does NOT need to see you making your first attempt at breastfeeding), etc.

  Of course, once you all get back home… it’s open season. But in the hospital? In the words of Eric Cartman, people will need to Respect. Your. Authoritay.

• 11. Marie Green  |  January 5th, 2009 at 6:07 am

  How about getting settled at home while Adam takes a few days, a week, whatever he’s planning off… and then when he returns to work having the family come. You and Adam will have some time to figure things out, without having an audience, and you will have help, support, etc when he goes back to work.

  Also, if your family staggers their visits, you will have extra help for longer.

  I’ve always found that those first few weeks it’s really nice to have extra people around, as long as said extra people are not there to be entertained. It helped ease us into the new routine witth baby.

  You’ll have to let us know what ended up being your own personal “perfect”.

• 12. Hillary  |  January 5th, 2009 at 6:19 am

  You are the MOM.

  Whatever you decide goes. I will say my mom and dad were here to help out for the week after The Boy was born, and that was great. But part of what made it great was that they were not in our house, so they could help us and then LEAVE. We had a week to ourselves before my in-laws descended, and they stayed with us. That was nice, too, but a little rougher because there were times when I just wanted to be alone, but there was no where to go.

• 13. Lasha  |  January 5th, 2009 at 6:32 am

  I was a little (okay, VERY) adamant about not having anyone at the hospital, and I was sure I wanted a few days to myself at home to get my bearings after having my daughter.

  I still stand by my hospital decision, but was surprised to find that I did want visitors (only not everyone all at once). And the morning after our first night home, I practically begged my mom to come and take care of me (which she did).

  Mainly I learned to trust my instincts, but to allow myself to change my mind if things were different from what I expected. Oh wait – that’s been my entire experience of parenting through these 21 months so far.

  And don’t forget: there is no way things “should” be done. I’ve been trying to erase that word from my vocabulary.

• 14. Jess  |  January 5th, 2009 at 6:51 am

  I am ALREADY trying to decide who is allowed to be near me when once it’s baby time, and it won’t be baby time for QUITE SOME TIME. I can only imagine the frenzied levels this will reach once there is actually a BABY TO BE HAD.

• 15. Kristen  |  January 5th, 2009 at 7:07 am

  My hospital actually had a policy where only a certain amount of people were allowed in the room at a time, and thank GOD they did. The limit was four and I could barely handle that. So check with your hospital’s policy so eighteen people don’t show up at once.

  Also, I let (made) my husband do the dirty work. He told people when I wasn’t up to visitors and we had a signal for when I was tired, so then he’d say “OK! Thanks for coming by.”

  When you get home, DO NOT think you have to be a good hostess. I’m very much a can-I-get-you-a-drink-have-some-cheese-and-crackers kind of girl, and it was REALLY HARD to just sit on the couch (I had a C-section) and watch people get THEIR OWN SODAS NOOOOO.

  Also, when people come visit you, make them bring food, like fruit and such. Hospital food sucks and they don’t bring you snacks.

• 16. Megan  |  January 5th, 2009 at 7:34 am

  ONLY J will be in the room w/ me during this, no one else. We haven’t figured out all the little pieces of this yet…but I think we’ll call people when we head to the hosp, but no one can come by until I’m in post-partum. The mat ward at our hosp. is locked too, so they can’t get in even if they try to come early. I’m getting push-back on this, but do not care. Our kid, our rules.

  Oh, and also…no one is staying w/ us. Period. There are plenty of hotels in the area. People can stop by and visit, but I’m too OCD/high-strung to worry about anyone being here for any extended period of time.

  I feel the same way you do too, about the “oh, woe is me, our families love us” stuff, I just need time to adjust to all of it. So they’ll need to give me the space to do that, at least at first.

• 17. Penny  |  January 5th, 2009 at 7:39 am

  Huh. I’m missing out on the magic mom’s club apparently. And I’ve been a mom for 2.5 years.

  I loved having family there right away because they cooked and cleaned and therefore gave me all the time in the world to stare and my new baby. But I think if any of them had been harpying types then that totally would have sucked and I would have wanted them to stay away.

• 18. Sadie  |  January 5th, 2009 at 7:52 am

  I am actually thinking about just giving my mom any future hypothetical (concession) baby, and letting her raise it. That way I don’t have to hear “you’re doing it wrong!” AND I can get plenty of sleep. Plus my mom knows all that Magic Mom shit and she’s way more soothing than I am.

  I don’t get how you hadn’t thought about the delivery room audience yet! Although, I guess you’ve been face-down in (first) barf and (then) vats of Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches most of this pregnancy, so fair enough.

• 19. jonniker  |  January 5th, 2009 at 8:09 am

  Sadie: I hadn’t thought about it because it just never occurred to me that anyone would even SUGGEST it, such is the absurdity of the concept to me. Because wow, uh, NO. Plus, since they live sort of far away, I thought there’d be no way they’d even TRY.

  Wow was I wrong. But again, it’s very, very touching.

• 20. H  |  January 5th, 2009 at 8:28 am

  I think it totally depends on your personality and what your relationship is with the people in question. My MIL would have driven me batshit so I didn’t want her in town, much less at my house. (She wasn’t in town, but only because that’s how she is. Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with the issue.)

  And, I must admit, I did do something wrong with my first. I thought babies loved being swaddled so I swaddled him at home, just like he had been at the hospital. When he developed a rash shortly after we got home, I was told that while babies do love to be swaddled, it probably isn’t wise if it is 105 degrees (no exaggeration) outside — even if you have A/C. He had heat rash. Um, so yeah, kind of obvious but I was dumb and tired or whatever. BUT, the important thing to know is that even if you do something wrong, it isn’t the end of the world and you’ll figure it out eventually!

• 21. Swistle  |  January 5th, 2009 at 8:47 am

  I thought I wanted NO ONE there, and in fact had to cancel a baby shower (for MYSELF) with friends and didn’t tell them it was because I was in labor, because I didn’t want visitors. Then when the baby was born, it turned out I DID want visitors. But if my in-laws had tried to be those visitors, I would have taken out my IV and stabbed them with it. In short: I don’t know.

  The nurses in the maternity ward will tell you if you’re doing something wrong, like putting the diaper on the wrong end of the baby, or trying to nurse the baby on your earlobe or whatever. I found it easier to take correction from a Professional Maternity Ward Nurse than I would have found it to take from a family member.

• 22. Misty  |  January 5th, 2009 at 10:06 am

  My MIL invited herself into the delivery room. So, I had my husband un-invite her. I also asked that no one visit me at the hospital. I really didn’t want a bunch of people gaping at me while I got the last few moments of sleep I was going to have for a while.

  And those magic mom tricks? I am still waiting for mine to “come in” and my oldest is 7!

• 23. Kristin H  |  January 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am

  I told my mom that I wanted a week with just us, to get used to the new world order. That worked out well; I figured I’d be hormonal enough without hearing “Oh, do it like THIS!!” (But that’s just how I am. I hate not knowing how to do things and being at a loss in front of other people.) My MIL & SIL came one night while we were still in the hospital but then I had my hubby tell them they weren’t allowed to come back until after our week of family time was over. It was a really nice time, unlike any other time in my life.

  My aunt is a pediatric nurse and she told me once (in response to my freaking out about something) that kids are tough and pretty hard to break. That really helped me when I worried about doing it wrong.

• 24. ZestyJenny  |  January 5th, 2009 at 10:53 am

  I am so surprised that so many people seem to have gotten away with keeping family away for any length of time. I would have given anything for some time to ourselves, but all we got was about 40 minutes.

  I thought not having visitors for a couple of days was a reasonable request, but that idea did NOT go over well. We ended up seeming like huge assholes.

  In the end it was ok, but if you can arrange to not have anyone stay with you, I highly recommend it.

• 25. ali  |  January 5th, 2009 at 10:53 am

  i know how to do mom things ONLY because i have access to google…otherwise i’d be a total mom failure

• 26. rosarita  |  January 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm

  I’m a much older mom than most of your readers, but I had to add my two cents about the magic mom stuff. It really does happen, but not all at once, and you don’t necessarily get all of the tricks. For me, I noticed new abilities the most when my child was past the toddler years. A problem comes up, and you deal with it, and sometimes you are able to deal in a practical way that you look at yourself and think, “how the hell did I do that?” I very clearly recall being blown away by my newfound ability to get knots out of things. OTOH, my stainless steel sink cleaning is nothing to brag about.

• 27. Cobwebs  |  January 5th, 2009 at 12:12 pm

  You will be *pancaked* immediately after the baby is born. It’s helpful to have family close by, because they can do a lot of things like helping with laundry (there’ll be more than you expect) and fixing meals. It’s also handy to have an extra pair of hands around when you’re trying to get used to doing things whilst holding something squirmy and irritable in one arm. That being said, having them stay *with* you might be a little intrusive. My in-laws only live a few miles away, so they were able to give me a hand during the day and then get out of my hair in the evenings. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to hand the baby off to someone experienced and go take a nap.

  And as a couple of other commenters have mentioned, don’t be surprised if people want to be there for the delivery. My sister-in-law begged to be there when my son was born; she’d never seen a real live childbirth and really wanted to. (I let her. By the time the various OB/GYNs and hospital staff were through with me, about fifty strangers had seen me naked anyway; having a relative in the room seemed almost normal.)

• 28. Shelly  |  January 5th, 2009 at 1:16 pm

  Okay–here’s my 2 cents–even though I don’t know jack!!

  First of all, unless you name the baby ‘blanket’ and dangle her from a balcony—or some other horrifying behavior YOU WON’T DO IT WRONG. There is no wrong. There’s only YOUR way, and that’s good enough. BUT……despite family wanting to be supportive, EVERYONE will tell you how to do shit. Ignore them unless that’s how you WANT to do stuff. And really? By the time she arrives, you’ll bask in the glow of all they baby lookers……..There is not a better ego booster around than to have people mention how PERFECT and CUTE and CUDDLY and did I say PERFECT your wee one is. Seriously.

  That my sound selfish, but it’s true. Any mothre that tells you otherwise is lying. Even now when grown women discuss the ‘hotness’ of my son….although it is disturbing on one level, it’s also AWESOME to know that you PRODUCED the hotness…you know? He’s YOUR hotness (in a parental way!!! Parental way!! not pervert way!!)

  And believe me, there will be no shortage of wanting people to notice your baby. There’s a guy I work with that brought his very newborn baby to our Christmas dinner at work. His wife didn’t come but the baby did. And he spent much of the time loudly cooing “how cute is da widdle baby’ very loudly—-in my opinion, hoping that others would agree. It’s a parent sickness, I tell you.

  As far as learning magic mother things? I still can’t figure out how to untangle a necklace chain, but I can ferret out a lighter or smell porn a MILE AWAY. And yes, it just sort of happens. And ANOTHER sick revalation will happen……YOUR PARENTS KNEW WHAT YOU DID AS A TEENAGER. Oh yes they do.

  Maybe not each specific thing or detail BUT THEY KNOW. Because they did it too, which makes them VERY suspicious of YOU doing it which makes YOU very suspicious of your own child. Again, a weird sickness.

  So some magic mom things do just happen. Like how to catch snot and look cool!! Like how to dress a squirming toddler with one hand and calmly talk to your husband on the phone with the other………like how to feel quietly in the dark for a pacifier without disturbing baby—or yourself much.

  No, unless you study Hints from Heloise, you may never learn stuff like how to fix berber…..BUT you’ll learn a LIFETIME in how to be a mother and most of it just comes to you.

  Want a hint on how to clean a bottle? Even better than a dishwasher (no…it won’t be sterilized, but after time, you’ll not do that, either)…….rice. Dry rice.

  Put a teaspoon of dry rice into a yukky bottle and fill part way with HOT water and soap….and shake the crap out of it. The rice cleans the nasty residue and stuff off the inside of the BOTTLE!! It absolutely SPARKLES with no residue or smell of formula (if/when you do formula)…….believe me. I haven’t owned a dishwasher in the last 16 years…..it works. You’ll amaze all your new mom friends.

  Good luck to you! and I’m sorry I don’t comment more…but work watches us!!!! And at home the teena monopolize the computer—-

  Shelly

• 29. Amy K  |  January 5th, 2009 at 2:56 pm

  Someone besides my husband in the delivery room? Uh, hell no. My in-laws live in the same town so I’m sure we’ll be getting some daytime help from them, but everyone else lives halfway across the country. I’ve already told my parents that we want a couple of weeks to ourselves to bond with the baby and figure out a little bit of the parenting thing before we have out-of-town guests decending upon us like a flock of vultures. And no one is staying with us – they can live in a hotel (our former guest bedroom is now a nursery, so we have an excuse). My mother assumed that they were just going to move in with us for a month+ as soon as the baby pops out, and that’s not how it’s going to be. I get stressed out just thinking about it.

• 30. the new girl  |  January 5th, 2009 at 5:57 pm

  I apologize in advance because I haven’t fully read the rest of the comments. That totally sucks, I know but I’m beat and so that’s that. It is an interesting thing you bring up. I say you have to trust your gut and I generally don’t love to give advice like that because you’re right about being your own lovely snowflake, but I will say this–whenever you decide what it is you want, delegate the execution of those orders to Adam.

  If he is not gifted in the area of assertion on your (pregnant/laboring/post-partum) behalf (as my husband was in no condition to do such things for me), go NOW and get yourself a Doula or a labor coach.

  Not that she’s going to be keeping your family away or anything like that…I’m just saying your wishes can change, you can experience something that you didn’t expect. For me, pregnancy, childbirth and mothering are some of the very few areas of my life in which I’ve surprised my own self. It’s kinda neat, really. But DO trust yourself.

  You’re already doing it.

• 31. Blythe  |  January 5th, 2009 at 7:19 pm

  Even though there was no danger of anyone showing up at the hospital (they all lived too far away), we waited until after he was born to call anyone. It was fun to be able to give the big announcement, with his name etc, instead of saying “we’re on our way” and risking a bunch of cell phone calls asking how it’s going, is he here, how dilated is she, etc etc. Some people don’t mind sharing that kind of thing, but I preferred to wait until afterward to decide whether or not to discuss the gory details. I’ve noticed that if they know someone is in labor, people tend to expect them more, and it leads to things like conversations with one’s father-in-law about one’s episiotomy. After it’s all over, most everyone just wants to know whether or not the kid has hair and who it looks like, and you will be totally delighted to tell them all that and more.

• 32. Kristin H  |  January 6th, 2009 at 10:39 am

  Hello, chiming in again (sorry!) to second TNG’s recommendation for a doula. I didn’t have one the 1st time around, but got one the 2nd, and she made a world of difference. My husband and I were unprepared for the intensity of labor, and how freaked out we both were. Having someone there, who’s on your side and has done it before, is great.

  Thus ends my unsolicited advice! At least for now.

• 33. Sheila  |  January 6th, 2009 at 10:58 am

  Mom Magic is totally all google for me too.

• 34. Hollylynne  |  January 6th, 2009 at 1:39 pm

  I’m getting panicky just reading your post and all of the comments, and I’m not even pregnant (or MARRIED!) yet. YIKES! White a mine-field!

• 35. Dana  |  January 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm

  I wanted my family there ad then I wanted them to go away! And to come back again! And to go away! I couldn’t decide so we made them hang in the waiting room but as soon as they got wind that the baby was here they all bolted into the delivery room anyway. It was cute and also bizarre as my legs JUST got out of the stirrups.

  Also, you crack me up. I too have not learned Magic Mom Things yet. Woe it plagues me.

• 36. Kristabella  |  January 7th, 2009 at 2:08 pm

  You will be fine! And you won’t be doing anything wrong because you’ll love that little girl to pieces!

  I wonder the same thing if/when I have kids. You’d think you would want all the help you can get, but do you want all those extra people around? All the time?

  My BFF just had her first baby on Monday and I keep wanting to call her and ask all about it and where are the photos? But I know, that is just me being selfish and I need to give the woman time to heal and get used to caring for A WHOLE OTHER PERSON!

• 37. K McQ  |  January 7th, 2009 at 5:22 pm

  hi sweetie! being so far away from family, P & I have always been alone at the hospital and the first couple of days before the family descends. I have to say, especially with the first, it was amazing, amazing to have the first 2-3 days alone just the three of us. It’s time we’ll never get back and I so remember those calm moments. At the hospital, man, just try to keep it to a minimum if you can. I found this to be incredible, for me, as my nurses were so amazing. I was like a sponge asking them a million questions. Not to mention, when they roll you over and check you for ‘roids (and I’m not talking about steroids!), it’s bad enough having your husband there, much less your mother in law or whomever else is visiting!!

  Also, the first three weeks after your first labor make pregnancy look like a weekend at the Ritz, so be prepared for that small fact. You’ll be healing and hurting and all that jazz, so keep peeps around who aren’t going to irritate you or you won’t offend when you tell them they are cleaning the belly button incorrectly!!!!

• 38. Mauigirl  |  January 10th, 2009 at 12:34 pm

  I know what you mean about the Magic Mom things. My mother knows how to fold sheets – even fitted sheets – all by herself, and they come out flat and folded and ready to put away. I never learned this and felt it meant I was not mother material so I never had a kid. Seriously. But perhaps if I’d gone ahead and had the kid I would have magically KNOWN. Ya think? Or maybe it just doesn’t matter? Prob ably the latter.

• 39. cheap basketball shoes  |  March 3rd, 2012 at 5:11 am

  good article

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