Birth of Words

So, uh, I went to my first birthing class tonight. Out of a six-week series. And while it wasn’t terrible — in fact, parts of it were quite soothing — I still think it’s going to be a long six weeks.

How do I know this? For starters, I was the oldest mother-to-be there by a LONG SHOT, which has me panicked that I will never find any mom friends I can relate to, ever. And then my baby will be poorly socialized and never leave the house and WOE. WOE. Why do I live in a small town again? WOE.

Ahem. I seemed to have taken a turn down Crazy Lane.

Anyway, the OTHER reason birthing class was interesting, aside from the fact that I had ten to fifteen years on most of the participants (I’m 33, for the record), was that the instructor employed the use of a hand knitted uterus to demonstrate dilation, etc. A HAND-KNITTED UTERUS! With a removable cervix! And … well, what else is there to say? I mean, other than the fact that when she presented the hand-knitted uterus, I started snickering and COULD NOT STOP, because COME ON, the uterus was done entirely in rib stitching, and was blue-and-white STRIPED. And the cervix was essentially a sweater cuff! And how am I supposed to take such a thing seriously? SERIOUSLY?

Everyone else had no trouble taking the blue (STRIPED) uterus seriously, and because Adam didn’t make it to the first class due to a raging sinus infection, I was left alone with my snickering, which could not be controlled and earned me several stares. But COME ON.

For some reason, I don’t think this is translating well. It’s just that when she explained a fully dilated cervix, she took off the damn CUFF.

Anyway, other than that, it was less painful than I anticipated and may actually be helpful, if slightly biased towards a drug-free birth. There was a lot of talk of miracles and the astonishing power of a woman in labor without drugs (and pointed looks in my direction, as I’d already said OH HELL YES to the possibility of drugs), and while it’s not that I don’t believe that, necessarily, it’s that I tend not to look at things quite so earnestly in a group setting. I mean, especially when there is a blue-striped uterus being passed around the room. Who can focus?

Anyway! I’m sorry to keep the gestation theme going — I promise we’ll move on to other topics ASAP — but I would be remiss in not mentioning a few symptoms that absolutely NO ONE — not a book, not a doctor, not a single person, warned me about until it hit me, and my God, if I can help just ONE PERSON when they’re knocked up, my work will be done here.

- I wake up every morning with crippling arthritis in my hands as a result of pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel. The carpal tunnel I expected; the old lady hands that I can’t even OPEN in the morning, I did not. For an indication of its severity, the tops of my fingers still hurt, and it’s 11 p.m. Why did no one tell me this? And yet, this is not unheard of! Which leads me to …

- Lockjaw. I’ve always had TMJ, but these last few months of pregnancy, it’s gotten approximately 1,359,000 times worse. And so, in addition to crampy gnarled fingers that barely work, I can’t open my mouth first thing in the morning. As in, I have to take my (barely functioning) hands and massage my jaw, moving it side to side until it pops and opens. There is both pain and copious amounts of drool involved. Again, no warning! And yet, NOT UNCOMMON!

This is all a long way of saying that pregnancy is both sexy AND comfortable. And, once again, thank God they give you a baby at the end of this, otherwise I’d be pretty damn embittered, wouldn’t you?

Happy Wednesday!

*The Samples

54 comments January 6th, 2009