Birth of Words
January 6th, 2009
So, uh, I went to my first birthing class tonight. Out of a six-week series. And while it wasn’t terrible — in fact, parts of it were quite soothing — I still think it’s going to be a long six weeks.
How do I know this? For starters, I was the oldest mother-to-be there by a LONG SHOT, which has me panicked that I will never find any mom friends I can relate to, ever. And then my baby will be poorly socialized and never leave the house and WOE. WOE. Why do I live in a small town again? WOE.
Ahem. I seemed to have taken a turn down Crazy Lane.
Anyway, the OTHER reason birthing class was interesting, aside from the fact that I had ten to fifteen years on most of the participants (I’m 33, for the record), was that the instructor employed the use of a hand knitted uterus to demonstrate dilation, etc. A HAND-KNITTED UTERUS! With a removable cervix! And … well, what else is there to say? I mean, other than the fact that when she presented the hand-knitted uterus, I started snickering and COULD NOT STOP, because COME ON, the uterus was done entirely in rib stitching, and was blue-and-white STRIPED. And the cervix was essentially a sweater cuff! And how am I supposed to take such a thing seriously? SERIOUSLY?
Everyone else had no trouble taking the blue (STRIPED) uterus seriously, and because Adam didn’t make it to the first class due to a raging sinus infection, I was left alone with my snickering, which could not be controlled and earned me several stares. But COME ON.
For some reason, I don’t think this is translating well. It’s just that when she explained a fully dilated cervix, she took off the damn CUFF.
Anyway, other than that, it was less painful than I anticipated and may actually be helpful, if slightly biased towards a drug-free birth. There was a lot of talk of miracles and the astonishing power of a woman in labor without drugs (and pointed looks in my direction, as I’d already said OH HELL YES to the possibility of drugs), and while it’s not that I don’t believe that, necessarily, it’s that I tend not to look at things quite so earnestly in a group setting. I mean, especially when there is a blue-striped uterus being passed around the room. Who can focus?
Anyway! I’m sorry to keep the gestation theme going — I promise we’ll move on to other topics ASAP — but I would be remiss in not mentioning a few symptoms that absolutely NO ONE — not a book, not a doctor, not a single person, warned me about until it hit me, and my God, if I can help just ONE PERSON when they’re knocked up, my work will be done here.
- I wake up every morning with crippling arthritis in my hands as a result of pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel. The carpal tunnel I expected; the old lady hands that I can’t even OPEN in the morning, I did not. For an indication of its severity, the tops of my fingers still hurt, and it’s 11 p.m. Why did no one tell me this? And yet, this is not unheard of! Which leads me to …
- Lockjaw. I’ve always had TMJ, but these last few months of pregnancy, it’s gotten approximately 1,359,000 times worse. And so, in addition to crampy gnarled fingers that barely work, I can’t open my mouth first thing in the morning. As in, I have to take my (barely functioning) hands and massage my jaw, moving it side to side until it pops and opens. There is both pain and copious amounts of drool involved. Again, no warning! And yet, NOT UNCOMMON!
This is all a long way of saying that pregnancy is both sexy AND comfortable. And, once again, thank God they give you a baby at the end of this, otherwise I’d be pretty damn embittered, wouldn’t you?
Happy Wednesday!
*The Samples
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
54 Comments Add your own
1. She Likes Purple | January 6th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Sometimes looking at those little baby jeans and knowing that I’ll be given a boy to put inside those little baby jeans is the only comforting thought in the world’s most uncomfortable situation.
Can you sneak a camera phone in to the next class? I’m kind of dying to see this knitted uterus.
2. Kristi | January 6th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Oh my God, please tell me this isn’t it??!!
http://www.birthinternational.com/product/model/ta011.html
Ain’t nothin right about that!
3. Kristi | January 6th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Ok, wait….I’m sorry for posting again, but I’m deeply disturbed by what I’ve unearthed by googling “knitted uterus”. I just don’t understand…..
http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEwinter04/PATTwomb.html
4. Michelle | January 6th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I hated those classes for the reasons you mention and more. If your “teacher” begins “acting out” the various stages of labour (including the crowning) I DARE you not to laugh. Mine was certifiable.
And yeah, in my class:
-only “natural” childbirth was considered a “real” childbirth experience.
-circumcision was “genital mutilation” (it took a nurse to actually point out that, while not medically necessary, there are advantages to having a circumcised penis)
-if you don’t breastfeed you are poisoning your child.
Right, because there isn’t enough pressure…
My advice, ignore it all. Do the hospital tour, get all the info you want and ignore the rest. Your doctor/midwife/doula will help you through the tough parts and you’ll be fine. Of course, you’ll probably never get the image of the knitted cervix out of your head…
5. ZestyJenny | January 6th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I had the jaw thing too! I am pleased to report that that is gone, but sadly, the strange old lady hands are still mildly here.
But Dude, the SWEATING. Oh my god, the sweating.
6. Amanda | January 6th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I have fond memories of my birthing class, but in hindsight, I could’ve saved myself a TON of misery if I’d basically ignored it and dialed up the epidural that much sooner. When it came to my 2nd baby? I thought long and hard and realized the only reason I wanted to have natural childbirth was so I could SAY I had natural childbirth and really? SO NOT WORTH IT.
My freaky pregnancy symptom was that my hips and thighs would go completely numb. Like you could STAB ME WITH A FORK and I’d not even feel it. Apparently totally common. If you get to the symptom where you need a donut pillow every time you sit down, e-mail me and I’ll commiserate with you.
But yes, A BABY! Best light at the end of the tunnel ever.
7. Mimi All Me | January 6th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Don’t feel bad. I was 24 when I had my first, and was also BY FAR the oldest mommy in my birthing class. I think my husband and I were also the only married couple in there too. Yes, I am from redneck country.
Bodies do crazy things during pregnancy. I am not one of those people that enjoys every little pregnant moment because are just so many things going haywire. The plus side is, it usually all goes away as soon as you have the baby and then you have a BABY! Awesome.
8. chellebird | January 6th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Blue? Striped? Uterus?
OK, I’ve seen the knitting patterns for urteri before and thought they were hilarious, but a blue? striped? uterus? for a CLASS? So not appropriate. For a couch, yes. For a class, no.
I…well. Does this say too much about my couch?
9. Elizabeth | January 7th, 2009 at 12:02 am
Perhaps they have knitted uteruses (uteri?) all over the world, but it just sounds so insanely Vermont I had to laugh.
Our birth class was also hideous, but I was glad we took it just so I could avoid the panic attack I know I would have had if I hadn’t taken it, like “Oh god, I bet this was covered in birth class and I didn’t take it and now I fail at giving birth!”
Also, the best part of our class was that there was both a high school teacher (and his wife) and one of his students taking it at the same time. I only hope he wasn’t the father of both babies.
10. Hillary | January 7th, 2009 at 2:52 am
Our knitted uterus was a creepy shade of pink. Ewww.
What I want to know is who knits the uterus? Is this something a company does? Are there knitting freelancers who do this?
11. Shelly | January 7th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Hey…I’m in the I WANT DRUGS camp……
My husband nearly passed out (in a literal sense) when the birthing class teacher passed around the tubing for an epidural. OOOHHHHH, scary, I know……..procedures and needles do him in. I’m surprised he made it thru delivery.
12. Susan | January 7th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Our hospital didn’t know what a natural childbirth was. The section on handling pain in our birth class was about epidurals, which was disappointing because I really wanted to see my husband practice that breathing thing.
I think I will knit him a uterus for his birthday.
13. Newt | January 7th, 2009 at 5:40 am
My birthing instructor had a knitted uterus, too! It was pink, though, and looked like a beret with a doll inside.
I’m now three days overdue, and have been “visualizing my cervix opening” to start the damn labor already as instructed in class. And I can’t help but visualize that stupid knit uterus with the ribbed cuff cervix. No wonder this baby isn’t coming out.
Later we made cervixes out of play-doh. Just so you’re forewarned.
14. Tessie | January 7th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Man, that Yarn-Based Uterus thing appears to be EPIDEMIC. I have not heard of ONE birthing class yet that didn’t include it in some form.
Someone out there is very busy knitting…and KNITTING…A-HA-HAND KNITTING!!
Um, sorry for the Pee Wee Herman thing that just happened up there.
15. Jess | January 7th, 2009 at 6:10 am
I think that childbirth classes are just sort of definitionally slanted that way. I’m just saying, the knitted uterus + cuff + YAY NATURAL CHILDBIRTH thing fits exactly into my preconceived idea of what a childbirth class would be like. And yet STILL USEFUL.
16. Kristin H | January 7th, 2009 at 6:37 am
My childbirth class wasn’t bad at all, but it was pretty useless. They had us practicing Lamaze with all these “hoooo heeeees” and “hoooo haaaas” and when to use each sound and, really, it was all moot when in the throes of actual labor. Did I remember to say hoo hee when the time was right? No I did not. Did I remember to breathe at all? No I did not, nor did my husband remind me, until a nurse helpfully pointed out that I would find the experience immeasurably easier were I to breathe at least some of the time.
Also, I KNEW the girl featured in the movie they showed. And by “featured” I mean, I’m sitting there going “Hey! That’s JULIE! And, uh…Julie’s hoo-ha! Wow!” It gave me new respect for Julie, I’ll tell you that.
17. Jen | January 7th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Oh man, we start our class tonight (only 4 weeks though) and I just know that if the instructor busts out a knitted uterus, I am going to SNARF with laughter. It’s not going to be pretty.
18. Stefanie | January 7th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Ten to fifteen years older than the other participants?? At 33?? Wow. Where do you live… 1972? Man, I’m sorry.
I would have been snickering along with you, by the way. Who can focus indeed.
19. Nimble | January 7th, 2009 at 6:54 am
Please keep on with the pregnant lady details. I will admit that I am fascinated by the waiting for baby blogging. I am a mom of two and am done with all that. But I remember it as such a strange and identity stretching time. And I feel so excited for you and your family.
I hope your hands and jaw feel much better very soon. It is a relief to get to the other side, not to mention to meet that baby.
As far as pregnancy effects we as a culture mostly don’t talk about… I’m amazed at how common continency problems are after having kids. Kegels are great but there’s something about all that squashing and then pushing that the bladder doesn’t like. I count myself lucky that my only problem seems to be if I am walking and sneeze at the same time. And then there’s my wrinkly belly. As I am not a bikini model this is not a huge loss. But I am disappointed that even pilates doesn’t seem to help. My kids are fascinated by the wrinkles and I tell them it’s all their fault.
20. jonniker | January 7th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Kristi: It LOOKS just like the first one, except it’s hand-knitted! And STRIPED. AND BLUE.
And yeah, I had more than a decade on some of the class members. At 33. Vermont DOES have a small-town element to it — I live in a college town, but aside from the culture around the bigger businesses in the area and the school, there’s … there’s a different mindset lurking under there.
21. Calliope | January 7th, 2009 at 7:33 am
oh wow. So glad I am doing my birthing classes at home. Well actually I really had this novel notion that I would meet life long friends in a birthing glass (thank you Jennifer Weiner). But I wouldn’t be able to stop freaking out at the age difference (I am the same age as you) and laughing over the cuff. heh.
22. ali | January 7th, 2009 at 7:34 am
i learned exactly NOTHING from my childbirth classes except that i was sure glad i was on the non-seeing end of the birthing process.
23. Misty | January 7th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Uh, Blue and white knitted uterus? Count that as one of the top 10 things you never thought you would type.
Someone needs to tell the nice lady about those lovely catalogs? Where they sell things for birth instructors? That might lend a modicrum of credulity to their presentation?
Yes.
24. Anonymous New York | January 7th, 2009 at 8:17 am
I’m also fascinated by all the pregnancy and birth-y related things! Keep it coming! I’m NOWHERE NEAR having babies at 29, but I live in NYC so 30 is the new 20 or something. Anyway, if I WAS in a birthing class and someone pulled out a knitted uterus, I would die laughing. Sorry Adam wasn’t there to laugh with you.
It’s funny to me that nobody talks about the carpel tunnel or TMJ symptoms in pregnancy — or the other less sexy symptoms, kind of like nobody ever talked about the less glamorous parts of sex. (post coitus freshening up?) They sure don’t show that in the movies. And that’s probably all I have to say about that.
25. andrea | January 7th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Wow, that birthing class sounds special. I was on the opposite end of things with mine, at 30 I was the youngest by far out of the participants, differences between the big city and more rural areas? Oh and the uterus, there is no way I could have kept my composure with that one.
I had the arthritis that you speak of. My OB kept telling me I would be cured after I delivered, but for weeks after Lulu was born my hands were still like gnarled old lady hands. Now eight weeks later things seem to have finally improved.
26. Kristin | January 7th, 2009 at 9:31 am
I took birthing classes two years ago, but alas, no knitted uterus. I did have an instructor who acted out the various stages of labor, while sitting on a birthing ball. I almost wet my pants (ok, I did a little) while witnessing that due to trying to hold in the laughter.
All I can say about the classes is that they made me feel less nervous about the impending birth. I bought into the whole breathing mindfully crap and thought I would have some control. Of course, it was nothing like that for me and all the breathing exercises in the world did not prepare me for the incredible onslaught of relentless contractions you have when you only have a 3 hour labor. Breathing mindfully doesn’t do much for you at that point.
However, I still think the classes were worthwhile because even though I didn’t really get to use what I learned, I went into the birth thinking that I kind of knew what was going to happen. Even though that didn’t happen–at least I didn’t spend the last two months of pregnancy freaking out about labor as much as I had before I took the classes. I don’t know if that makes sense.
27. Go Read It Today, January&hellip | January 7th, 2009 at 11:08 am
[...] Birth of Words [...]
28. sassymonkey | January 7th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I’m totally wondering who is going to be the first reader to send you your very own knitted uterus…
29. Stacy | January 7th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Wow, never heard of a knitted uterus – that’s hilarious! I thought the knitted BREAST in my breastfeeding class was bad enough! The female instructor was kneading it very strangely while using it to demonstrate…
30. Angella | January 7th, 2009 at 11:43 am
1. We did not have a knitted uterus back when we did a birthing class, but we DID get to watch cheesy seventies labor videos.
2. I am also 33 (for another two weeks or so). How is it that so many of my favorite friends are the same age as I?
3. I never posted this on my own site, as too many people in my wee town read it, but with Emily…I got varicose veins. IN MY HOO HA.
31. Penny | January 7th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Oh god I would have burst out laughing had I seen a hand-knitted, blue striped cervix. I can only imagine that this is the product of small town craftiness. You must, MUST take a picture of the uterus and cuff, er, cervix, and post. MUST. And if she does not bring it to her next class then you have to ask her for the pattern and make one yourself and THEN take a picture. Because we must all see.
As for carpel tunnel, I have it too, only THIS time around I was told to wear wrist splints to bed and they make a BIG DIFFERENCE. Go get some. They’re great, at least so far (I’ve worn them for the past 3 nights).
32. Nothing But Bonfires | January 7th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Whenever I find a fellow TMJ sufferer, I want to take them by the hand and dance around in circles. (And then NOT share my chewing gum with them in case we both trigger an attack.) All this to say that I’m super happy I’m in the club with you, even though I’m sorry yours is playing up. On the plus side, your revelation that TMJ can get worse with pregnancy is serving as very good birth control for ME right now.
33. Kristabella | January 7th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
For the love of all that is good anf holy, if no one else laughed at a knitted uterus, then you don’t want those people as mommy friends anyway.
34. Amy | January 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
There are so many reasons why I fear I will never, ever, EVER find any cool, like minded moms in my tiny New Hampshire town and I wasn’t even confronted with a striped knitted uterus. My utmost respect to you for not losing your proverbial shit during labor class.
I tried prenatal yoga in hopes of meeting some young hip moms in town. Oh. My. God. I had no idea uptight sweater set wearing matching reindeer earring to boot women were even allowed in yoga classes. But apparently they are. And they all say golly shucks and oh heck. My grunts of jesus f**k were NOT appreciated. And they harrumpffphed me. Just like that. Harrooomffph!
Maybe we need to do future commuter play dates.
35. -R- | January 7th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Our teacher used something to represent a uterus, but I don’t remember thinking it was weird. I think it looked more like a tube sock or something.
I expected to be the oldest in my class, but I think 30 was the average. And our teacher was neutral about natural birth, which was nice.
My first class was horrible, but it got better. Hopefully yours does too!
36. willikat | January 7th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I would have laughed with you.
37. the new girl | January 7th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
1. The couple next to The Man and me at our birth class were both wearing dog collars and black nail polish and mascara and they were sitting on a fucking Sponge Bob blanket. NOT. KIDDING. They were like, 12.
2. The Man and I were trying to swallow our pressured chuckling at the serious suggestions that the woman was making re: facial massage during labor. As The Man spread his fingers and RAKED THEM ACROSS MY FOREHEAD, it was all I could do to keep from peeing my pants.
3. We TOTALLY skipped out early, like half-way through. I was so afraid that I would FAIL giving birth to a baby, but it seems that even without the crochet ute, I did okay.
38. the new girl | January 7th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I should mention? That of the two couples? The 12 year old, Sponge Bob loving Emo Punks were MUCH. MORE. MATURE. Than the rather–hem–seasoned duo The Man and I made.
Obviously.
39. Amy K | January 7th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
At 31, I think I was somewhere in the middle of the pack as far as ages went in my Seattle baby classes. There were even a couple of happy ladies in their mid-40s. I opted to skip the multi-week childbirth classes in favor of one pain management class, which is probably a good thing if there were knitted organs involved. My husband and I were barely mature enough to handle the breathing exercises – the instructor made the guys practice the techniques too, and every time my husband and I made eye contact in the midst of our hooo-hooo-hooo-heeee panting we’d start giggling like maniacs.
40. Anyabeth | January 7th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Every time some one talks about birthing classes I am very grateful I never went to one. Though I do remember having a serious freak out when my labor went on so long that it was because I didn’t take the class.
Just remember that the weirdo pregnancy symptoms go away almost instantly once you have the baby. I didn’t believe that at all and you won’t believe me either but it’s like magic. Hey, I can walk up stairs without panting like a dying dog–I am not hopelessly out of shape! Hey, I can drink a glass of water without gagging with heartburn! THERE IS A GOD! Hey, my ankles and calves and thighs are not the exact same width now!
41. amber | January 7th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Holy cow! It amazes me that women fifteen years younger than you – or even TEN – are still getting pregnant and having babies. Maybe I’m narrow-minded, but at twenty-seven (thus far childless) I’m really glad I’ve waited. And will continue to wait.
42. Jennifer | January 7th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
A hand-knit uterus? Forgive me for saying so, but that sounds so Vermont.
43. Jen | January 8th, 2009 at 5:58 am
Well, apparently hand-knitted uteruses? uteri? are very NY too, because there was a lovely yellow one presented in my birthing class last night. In fact, the instructor actually SQUEEZED a yellow-haired little doll right out of that thing, and I almost busted my gut trying not to laugh right out loud. Thankfully, she only used it for a moment and then moved right on to donning the smock with the baby entering the pelvis. Yes, a SMOCK. Ties on the side and everything. She also wore a t-shirt all night that read “Birth is Not An Illness!” She was a little out there, but also strangely endearing.
44. Aprylsantics | January 8th, 2009 at 6:29 am
I did a breastfeeding class where the instructor used a plush breast with a retracting nipple. It took me a few minutes to regain my composure (and I was 34 obviously going on 12).
45. H | January 8th, 2009 at 6:41 am
I laughed out loud at the post and am loving coming back here to read the comments. I always wonder who came up with these ideas and how it happened. Who said, one day, I think I’ll knit a uterus, or I think I’ll make a smock depicting the birth process?!
46. mar | January 8th, 2009 at 10:58 am
always read the comments first, but wanted to say: i’ll be 30 in a few weeks & am not even married (not that you need to be) and still childless, so i’m on your bandwagon. i still don’t think i’m old enough for kids.
i am laughing hysterically on my lunch break at the thought of a knitted uterus. please!
and i do not need anything to exacerbate my colitis-induced arthritis, least of all a pregnancy. not looking forward to it if/when i ever have a bebe in the future.
(now to finish eating my lean pocket lunch & scroll your massive comments)
47. Meagan Francis | January 9th, 2009 at 5:53 am
That’s so funny, because I’m 31 and have always been by far the youngest mom in nearly any parenting-related setting. It is getting better now that I’m in my 30s, but of course, now I’m just the freak who’s 31 and working on kid #5. I was in a prenatal yoga class with mostly first- or second-timers and I’d have put about half of them at 35-40, the rest maybe 28-35. People ALWAYS assume it’s my first baby. Always.
48. Fiona Picklebottom | January 9th, 2009 at 8:38 am
I signed up for the drugs at my very first prenatal appointment for all 4 of my kids. I am not into pain no matter how “beautiful” and/or “miraculous” it may be. YAY for epidurals!!!
49. magpie | January 9th, 2009 at 8:43 am
The only way I got through the birthing class was by passing notes to my husband, like one did in junior high school.
50. Kate | January 9th, 2009 at 9:22 am
The crazy pregnancy symptom that I had that I had never heard of before was itchy scalp. No dandruf or apparent skin problems up there, just an incredibly itchy scalp. Drove me insane. I tried all kinds of different shampoos, and they would help slightly, but giving birth was the only thing that really cured it.
My Lamaze class had the knit uterus, as well as a knit breast for breastfeeding eductation. I remmber that the breast was at least in realistic colors, though.
For the most part I liked my Lamaze class. I was pretty into the natural birth thing, and my midwife taught the class. I thought it was a good balance of “There are advantages to natural birth, but it that’s not your thing, here’s what you need to know…” The one thing that got me snickering though was when the midwife was discussing the use of forceps. Somehow I got to wodering if any overzealous doctor had every just popped a baby’s head right off, and, as horrible as that would be, I just couldn’t stop laughing at the idea.
51. movin down the road | January 9th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I don;t know what I would do if I were to become preggers again. Probably jump off a cliff. I so so so hated it. I also hated the birthing class that was REQUIRED by my doctor. I took an all day 6 hour course, just to get it over with. And then in giving birth, learned that everything in the birthing class meant nothing when the real thing started to happen. Nothing prepares us for that. (I hope this isn’t your first kid, otherwise, I might have just scared you)
52. Rae Ann | January 10th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Bah ha ha! Knitted, striped uterus! With removable cuff cervix! Ha ha ha!
I was 33 when I started my childbirth class. I was by FAR the oldest one in there. And to add to the awkwardness, my husband couldn’t attend at all because I had to go to class 100 miles away because my small town doesn’t have Bradley classes. So my MIL was my partner. Needless to say, I was the weirdest of the crunchy Bradley people in my class.
I also had the crippling carpel tunnel syndrome. I wore two wrist braces for the entire second trimester. Driving was AGONY – and I had to drive 100 miles to and from my child birth class each week! The good news is that it (mostly) went away by mid-third trimester.
As for being glad you get a baby in the end, there will be times about 6 weeks post partum when you would prefer the lockjaw! Then you will look at your little bundle and it will all be worth it.
53. Mauigirl | January 10th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Still laughing about the blue and white striped utrerus.
I’ve heard of that carpal tunnel syndrome thing. Sorry you’re getting it so badly!
Could the lockjaw thing be due perhaps to stress???
54. san diego yoga&hellip | December 4th, 2009 at 3:04 am
san diego yoga…
Yoga is an ancient form of spirituality that originated in India. It is deeply connected with the religious beliefs and practices of Hinduism and other Indian religions. Apart from providing spiritual solace and mental relaxation, yoga also helps in re…
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