Gravity
January 12th, 2009
Those of you who know me on Twitter and/or The Facebook are all too informed of my ongoing brawl with a wee local grocery store, although the store seems to be painfully oblivious. A lethal mixture of hormones and vague (and not so vague) transgressions leave me essentially flipping off the store when I drive by one moment, sheepishly patronizing it the next (their meat! is so cheap, fresh and delicious!).
Last week, there was the battle over the grocery cart, wherein I stupidly thought that I could take my heavy purchases and bring them out to my car with my cart, not only avoiding the pain of carrying them out, but using it for balance. See also: pregnant. Also, it’s a grocery store. That’s what carts are FOR. Except, apparently, I could not, as they sent an infant boy out after me to retrieve the cart with the stupid statement that “[The owner] doesn’t want carts to get lost,” followed by an angry look and some sullen cart-snatching. Which is FINE, but, you know, PUT UP A SIGN. Don’t make the pregnant ladies feel stupid by RUNNING THEM DOWN LIKE THIEVES.
I’ll allow that maybe hormones played a part in my fury, because really, it’s a GROCERY STORE CART, but still. And yes, some big city stores don’t let carts leave the store, but you know, we have more cows than people here, so FAH! FAH MEAT STORE!
I needed chicken and ground beef today, and seriously, you guys, it’s so cheap and fresh and I save SO MUCH MONEY there, so I went back, and lo, all was fine until I reached the checkout, where, upon my approach, the clerk announced, “Whoa! You look UNCOMFORTABLE! When are you due?”
Yes, yes, not the greatest comment, but whatever! I am uncomfortable! Will gleefully accept sympathy!
But when I replied that yes, it was a little less than eight weeks, she came back with, “That LONG? You’re GIANT! I’m surprised you didn’t give birth in the aisles!”
GIVE BIRTH IN THE AISLES. NEXT TO THE TRIPE. I actually laughed at her, because seriously, what can you do? Oh meaty grocery store. You break my heart. And you know what’s worse? I know I’ll go back, lured by fresh meat.
Anyway! Moving on … Sleeping has continued to be a challenge, and I usually wake up to pee a jillion times, and arise at least once to un-jam my jaw, when Adam usually kindly rams a pillow into my back for support, because that hurts too, and oh, man. Preparing for the baby and all that, fine. Maybe I AM giant.
Also, I should tell you that I’ve seen several movies in the last few days, including Zack & Miri Make a Porno and … well, really, Seth Rogen has to be one of the most disgusting people ever, I’m sorry. I can’t see him in any kind of romantic role, much less using the term, “making love,” which he did on multiple occasions in what was supposed to be a LIGHTHEARTED MOVIE. (MAKE IT STOP.) Ergo, it remains one of the most miserable movies I’ve seen in years.
In addition, I caught The Wrestler, which I DID like, and Mickey Rourke, I’m sorry, was just freakin’ awesome. I know some disagree and take a much more critical view of it than I do, but man, I did like it, implausible allegory and all. See also: Marisa Tomei SMOKIN’ HOT at 44. My God.
And finally … Slumdog Millionaire. Yes, yes it was very good, but after all the hype it received, seriously, it would have had to enable the entire cast to come to my house and clean it with a toothbrush for me to really dig it to the degree I was supposed to. Dude there are a LOT of indie films out there that are great that don’t receive the same amount of attention, but once in a while the world grabs hold of a wee indie gem and is all, “BEHOLD! A NON-COOKIE CUTTER MOVIE!” and anoints it king of the world.
I don’t mean to take anything away from it — it WAS good, if hilariously implausible and sort of ridiculous in a way that required an absurd suspension of disbelief, Bollywood influence aside — but holy baloney, was it HYPED UP OMG.
I … I think I liked The Wrestler more. Sorry.
Hey! Happy Tuesday! And you know what Tuesday means? BIRTHING CLASS! Who’s excited to see what knitted body part she whips out? I’m thinking boobs. And maybe testicles, because why be sexist about it?
*Sara Bareilles
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
26 Comments Add your own
1. Marie Green | January 12th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
First, I have to say that I cannot- I repeat CANNOT, handle ANYone saying “make love”. It just… makes me gag and start punching all at the same time.
Also, I teach childbirth classes, and last week I was looking for something in our storage area and saw that WE also have knitted uteruses!!!! We don’t use them, and haven’t for at least 5 years because that’s how long I’ve worked there… but maybe we should? I mean, I think adding anything knitted to a birth-related experience makes it more cozy, right?
2. Anyabeth | January 12th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
This weekend my husband and I had a serious conversation about how we had never “made love” would never “make love” and saying the phrase “making love” could result in divorce. I feel better.
3. slynnro | January 12th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
But how do you the groceries to the car??? HOW!!!!
4. Angella | January 12th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
I have NEVER been to a grocery store where you cannot take the cart to the car. Is this just a Canadian thing?
5. Suebob | January 12th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
I am with you on Seth Rogen. He is that kid in junior high who smeared boogers on the back of your chair every single day and laughed just as hard every time. NOT romantic lead material.
Hey, did you see Pierce Brosnan? He is married to a woman of size, by which I mean something larger than a size 6. Yay for him.
I loved Slumdog Millionaire because it was a good story AND it had music by genius AR Rahman, my favorite composer of the last 10 years. It wasn’t an epic, but it was good.
6. Tessie | January 13th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Dude, WORD on Zack and Miri.
Fun fact! My ex-boyfriend is Marisa Tomei’s business manager. Also, she is insane. Or so he says.
7. Marin | January 13th, 2009 at 5:54 am
I cannot believe someone called you “giant.” Do people lose their brain function when they talk to pregnant women? I bet Seth Rogen would say something like that. Blech.
8. Aprylsantics | January 13th, 2009 at 6:00 am
What is it about check out people? I had one tell me I was showing A LOT for three months and another one make sure the beer I was buying for my husband was not for me.
Seth Rogan as a romantic lead? I know. Ew. I still can’t get over the pairing with Katherine Heigle.
Make Love. Another EW. I also hate that song “Feel Like Making Love”. Can’t listen to it. Can’t say it. My fingers are curling backwards as I type it.
9. H | January 13th, 2009 at 6:25 am
That cart thing is weird. I’ve never heard of that. Do they have teenagers on hand to carry out your groceries for you? They should!
I hated all the insensitive comments when I was overdue. I heard “Are you STILL here?” every day I went to work tha month my son was born — and he wasn’t born until the 22nd. Those comments made me cry, they really did.
10. Jess | January 13th, 2009 at 6:45 am
I want to get pregnant just to go to childbirth class. Seriously. It sounds amazing.
11. Sadie | January 13th, 2009 at 7:23 am
I, too, am confused about the cart thing. I mean, if you can’t use the cart to get to the car with all the bags, are you supposed to MAKE TRIPS to the car when you have more bags than you can carry? Or is it one of those places where adolescent boys are supposed to carry your bags to the car for you?
There is a small grocery like that in my town, and when I only have one or two bags, I feel like a hoity jerk making a kid carry them for me while I flit, empty-handed, to the car. But they seem…put out…if I insist on carrying my own groceries.
There is a part of me that WANTS you to start loitering at that grocery store around your due date so that you DO actually go into labor there, in the aisles. Maybe even in that offensive clerk’s checkout lane.
12. Joceline | January 13th, 2009 at 7:31 am
If you have so many groceries that you need a cart to get them around the store, how do they expect you to get them to the car without one?
Also, I think people temporarily lose their minds when they talk to pregnant women. I am currently one day overdue with my second baby and for seriously about 3 weeks I keep getting “you’re still here?” everytime I show up for a social event. I have officially stopped going as of this past weekend. I have also had friends (well-meaning and excited ones, yet still ones who are about to be stabbed) text message, email, Facebook message, call, etc. every single day for the past week or so asking if I’ve had the baby yet or if I’m in labor. People, I will tell you when I’ve had the baby! I’ve stopped responding. I know, I’m rude and cranky, but seriously!
Sorry for the rant…
13. ali | January 13th, 2009 at 8:06 am
don’t be hating on slumdog millionaire. please. it was a work of genius.
i thought zack and miri was funny, in a yes it’s funny that anyone would have sex with seth rogen kind of way
14. jonniker | January 13th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Re: Slumdog — yes, it was excellent, but again, it didn’t do my laundry, which is what it would have had to do after everything I’d heard about it.
And Suebob, I LOVED the score — it was one of my favorite parts of the film, and I didn’t know anything about the composer.
15. Alyce | January 13th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I want to see The Wrestler, I do. But Mickey Rourke’s smooshface (and the mustache now two inches too wide, since his skin was pulled so far across all of the fake implants) is seriously giving me the willies.
I read they are considering him for a villain role in Iron Man 2 and it’s KILLING ME. Don’t ruin an awesome movie by making me barf. His face is so distracting.
16. Sonja von Franck | January 13th, 2009 at 10:57 am
This sounds like the grocery store that the No Soup For You! guy would run. Never heard of anything so rude – especially given the fact that you’re pregnant. If they’re so worried about it, why don’t they just make their bag boys bring your groceries to the car and then bring the cart back? We do have a grocery store here in Charlotte, Aldi, where you deposit 50 cents into the cart which unlocks it from the other carts and then when you return it and engage it with the other train of carts, you get your 50 cents back. This guy sounds too cheap to invest though…
When I was working I FINALLY got over how corny it sounded to tell co-workers “I’m pregnant” I couldn’t believe the stuff that came out of their mouths! “Were you trying?” “Is this a good thing?” “Oh! We just thought you got breast implants!” SERIOUSLY! It’s nice this time around to be in the privacy of my home.
Saw Slumdog Millionaire after all the hype – and I hear ya! Will have to see The Wrestler and even with your recommendation, keep my expectations low. That always seems to work out best for me!
17. Penny | January 13th, 2009 at 11:10 am
My guess is a knitted placenta.
The grocery store cart thing is weird.
18. Kristabella | January 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
I like Seth Rogen in the fact that he seems to be a funny dude. He needs to stick to those kinds of roles. I will not see that movie because ewww. Just ewww.
19. Megan | January 13th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Your grocery store is nuts. I will never understand the cart thing!
And agreed, about Seth Rogan. Wasn’t he the dude in Knocked Up? Yeah…couldn’t see him playing that part either. Fun fact, I went to high school w/ “Miri”. She was 4 years older than me though, and will be more likely to know my mom than know me.
I agree w/ Penny too, knitted placenta, up next! We had a canvas and sheer fabric one at ours, and she passed it around the room so we could check it out. Ew. I don’t plan on going anywhere NEAR my own, so no thanks.
20. Anonymous New York | January 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I don’t know what else could be knitted since you already covered the vagina and cervix. Testes have already, uh, had their day. Placenta, maybe. I’ve clearly given this too much thought.
I seriously don’t know what people are thinking when they talk to pregnant ladies. I wince everytime Jennie recounts a story, too. I JUST got up the courage to ask one of the cafeteria workers if she’s in the family way and it turns out she’s 8 months pregnant. I was playing it safe. Needless to say, I stuck to “congratulations, that’s wonderful news.” THE END, PEOPLE.
21. Sleepynita | January 13th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Don’t worry you will feel so much less pain once that baby is out. But damn girl you are going to be so tired for a couple weeks!
I really need to see The Wrestler, I am SURE Slumdog Millionaire is great – but I hate hyped movies and usually feel let down afterwards. That one will have to be a total rental for me!
22. metalia | January 13th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I did like Slumdog more, but can TOTALLY understand the heartwrenching appeal of The Wrestler. I just couldn’t handle the Rourke Ass. MY GOD, SO MUCH ROURKE ASS, JONNA.
23. Erin | January 14th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I am kind of looking forward to someday being pregnant just so that when people say those kinds of things to me I can open up my big ol’ can of verbal whoop ass on them and then blame it on “I can’t help it! I’m pregnant and can’t control my emotions!” I figure if there is any time in which you should feel free to say exactly what you think of someone’s comment it is when you are pregnant and they are making fun of you (which is what all that crap IS)!
The cart thing, seriously–why not just follow you out to the car and then tell you quietly? Why make a scene?
I hate it when movies get so much hype that anything short of the second coming will feel like a letdown.
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