Blood of Eden
January 14th, 2009
Birthing class continued to be a barrel of laughs or, say, NOT, given that one of the participants has been put on bedrest for non-stop contractions (she was the one on the floor surrounded by pillows, no kidding), and if you’d seen the look on the faces of everyone else in the room, it was like a balloon full of germs EXPLODED and we were all afraid of getting them in our nostrils.
Although truth be told, I wouldn’t mind attending birthing class while lying supine on a bed of smooshy pillows, rather than lame-ass conference room chairs the rest of us shlubs are stuck in, but not at the cost of bedrest. I hate to be in bed as it is, as since being pregnant, bed has moved from being a source of comfort to being the equivalent of a torture device. Bed is fraught with backaches and pain and misery, oh my!
In case you were wondering, the knitted uterus was once again the star of the show, and I was shocked — shocked, I tell you! — to discover that there was a BABY inside the knitted uterus, as well as a stuffed placenta! And a knitted umbilical cord! And they TOTALLY SHOWED THE BABY CROWNING THROUGH THE KNITTED UTERUS, followed by placenta delivery and all sorts of sordid birth details, wrapped up neatly in a blue-striped package.
Interestingly, we also covered the possibility of saving our placenta, in case we wanted to bury it, or, uh, eat it, and while half the class chuckled (or in my case, alternated between snickering and gagging),the husband of the bedrest woman announced that no, really, his culture (I think he said he was Indonesian?) did such things — they either ate it, or dried it out and presented it to the baby later in life as a gift. And then we all felt a little ridiculous, but really, what were the chances that we had a placenta snacker in our midst? SLIM TO NONE, REALLY.
We also discussed whether we wanted a mirror during the, uh, proceedings, and I can say with total certainty that I do not, nor do I want Adam acting as a verbal mirror. “STAY BY MY HEAD, ADAM” is my birth motto, thank you very much.
Anyway. I’m off to take a defy gravity the only way I know how: through a hot bath and some Marley & Me which someone gave me as “lighthearted” reading, and while it’s fine, if vapid and not my usual fare, it always annoys me to read mediocre books about universal experiences, because damn, I know a thousand people who could have written that book just as well. (Am critical asshole!) But first! Two things!
- Speaking of books, I could not get through The Outlander series. Not even BOOK ONE. Too much absurd 18th century sex for me that, as I said before, was not titillating, but was instead RIDICULOUS, and the whole thing was just … well, RIDICULOUS. If you really want a hilarious recount of precisely what makes them so comically awful, please e-mail my friend Jessica of Balancing Everything (and congratulate her on her brand-new baby while you’re at it), who sent me the most side-splitting take on the absurdity of the whole series. It’s so good, I believe it should be published somewhere. (Hint: she’s not a fan.)
- Reba McIntyre is one of those people I want to punch in the face for absolutely no defensible reason. Occasionally, I’ll TiVo WifeSwap (I KNOW. It’s a PROBLEM, and I CANNOT STOP) to have as background while I do administrative bullshit and hence, at the end of the day, our TV is often set to Lifetime, and Reba is on and my God, I … I can’t take her for more than a second. I don’t know why. (I KNOW I KNOW WIFESWAP I KNOW)
Happy Thursday!
*Peter Gabriel. The placenta theme sent me down a gross, bloody path.
Entry Filed under: Nuttin'
47 Comments Add your own
1. movin down the road | January 14th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
I think Tivoing Wife Swap is more acceptable than Tivoing something like, well, “Meet the Kardashians” (yeah, guilty…but I had watched all the good shows already)
2. Mandee | January 14th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Your birthing class sounds like a Saturday Night Live skit. Seriously.
3. Anonymous New York | January 14th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
OMG. I read that as “stab my head Adam,” as in you would rather him stab you in the head than have a birth mirror. That would be my (figurative) choice.
Sports Fan, if we decide to have a kid, won’t even be in the delivery room. It has been decided. He gets woozy TALKING about medical procedures. Also? MADONNA COMPLEX, I fears it.
4. Preggy Blonde | January 14th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
This knitted uterus business is too much! I love it. Could you by any chance get us a picture?
5. NGS | January 14th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Have no fear. Even the best of us love a little Wife Swap!
6. Jen | January 14th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Speaking of the placenta, just today I saw an episode of Bringing Baby Home (seriously, why do I watch this show now that I have brought my very own baby home?) where the woman saved her placenta (after a home birth, no less), had it dried, then ground down and put into capsules to take like vitamins. I’d heard of saving it in order to ceremonially bury it, but not to ingest it in a pill. Might as well put it in a pipe and smoke it. Same diff.
Also, our birthing and breastfeeding classes both featured a knitted uterus AND a breast. I wonder if there’s a pattern one can buy from a fabric store with which to make those … parts.
7. Fattylumpa | January 14th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Kn…Knit…Knitted BABY? IN the KNITTED UTERUS?? Sweet baby jeebus.
I have to agree with Mandee – you should write it up (Or perhaps co-write it with Hilarious Email Friend Jessica!) and submit it.
Wait, can you do that? Yeah, I don’t know.
8. jonniker | January 14th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Anonymous NY: If Adam didn’t want to be in the delivery room, I’d be pretty pissed, to tell you the truth. I don’t want ANYONE in there except for him, and I can’t imagine for a second that he wouldn’t want to be there.
If SF didn’t have a medical fainting thing, I’d say that you might be surprised. Plus, the Madonna complex is pretty uncommon in its manifestation. And besides, if he survives the indignities of pregnancy, it won’t seem like that big of a leap.
Although in class, when she asked if dudes wanted to watch and Adam answered, “It’s a game-time decision,” I almost punched him. Later, I learned that he doesn’t plan to watch, but didn’t want to appear too … I don’t know, UNINVOLVED, or something. Jesus.
PB: I have considered how to surreptitiously grab a photo, but can’t find the proper entree.
9. Suebob | January 14th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Outlander: THANK YOU. So many people have reco’d that to me, including my 2 sisters, who said they CRIED when they finished the last page, so much did they love it. Bah. I got about 25 pages before hucking it across the room.
And Wife Swap? Best thing on TV. It makes me laugh like nothing else.
10. Shamelessly Sassy | January 14th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
You know, I was having a pretty shitty day. And then I read the placenta snacker paragraph, and I was suddenly cheered up.
11. TwoBusy | January 15th, 2009 at 3:06 am
If there was a single piece of advice I could give Adam about the whole childbirth experience, it would be right along the lines of “Stay by my head.” Seriously. Dude: there are some things you just can’t un-see.
12. Fiona Picklebottom | January 15th, 2009 at 4:12 am
I’m bummed to hear that about The Outlander series, since my mom made it sound really good so I’ve mooched a couple of the books from Bookmooch (haven’t gotten the first yet, so I haven’t read anything yet). I should’ve known better; I HATE historical fiction, but I’ve started keeping more of an open mind to it since I read and liked The Other Boleyn Girl.
13. Aprylsantics | January 15th, 2009 at 4:58 am
I think Reba McIntire is actually one of Dana Carvey’s characters. Seriously, have you ever seen them at the same place at the same time?
14. Susan | January 15th, 2009 at 6:04 am
I think you should take your placenta with you in case someone else at the birthing center is eying it. I am now very worried about having left two behind when I took my babies home. Dear lord. Can midwives be trusted not to take placentas home & put them in a stew?
15. Assertagirl | January 15th, 2009 at 6:11 am
“Placenta snacker”…not a phrase I ever thought I’d read, even in a blog!
16. ali | January 15th, 2009 at 6:20 am
the movie Marley and Me kind of made me want to slit my wrists. i’m pretty sure i’ll stay far away from the book…
17. Lynn | January 15th, 2009 at 6:29 am
I am fascinated at the idea of the knitted uterus. Do you think you could sneak a cell phone picture?
I bet she could make a fortune selling them on Etsy.
18. Jess | January 15th, 2009 at 6:30 am
I felt that way when I read The Other Boleyn Girl. Maybe it was a great movie (I didn’t read it) and the story was good, but the writing felt like the indulgent stories I wrote when I was ten that were set in medieval times and written in what I imagined to be the English of the time. Ridiculous.
19. Claire | January 15th, 2009 at 6:50 am
I can tell you that though my husband wanted to be down there, it did affect him in ways he’d rather not discuss, though he seems to have fully recovered from that trauma within about 6-8 weeks. I also didn’t want anything to do with a mirror AT ALL but when the nurse wheeled it around and I could actually see how much progress I had made, the reflection gave me the impetus to get the kid the hell out of there. It actually helped! One thing is for sure about labor: you go into it with one set of ideas and things always change, usually for the better.
20. Kim | January 15th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Hi Jonna, I’m delurking to ask a question. I noticed on Twitter the other day you mentioned something about hypothyroidism. I was just diagnosed and put on a medicine called Synthoid the other day. I was just wondering if while being pregnant you’ve noticed any weird side effects. We’re in the process of doing IVF and the nurse I spoke with didn’t seem concerned for me, so I’m hoping it won’t be a biggie.
21. She Likes Purple | January 15th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Mike will also be BY MY HEAD, SO HELP ME.
Also, I cannot stop laughing at the thought of gifting the placenta later in life. Not that I am poking fun at the tradition (to each their own!) but just because I’m envisioning all of these 16-year-olds oohing and ahhing over each other’s new cars and then that poor boy has to announce he was given his dried placenta. Just … not what I imagine is on too many kids’ Amazon wish lists.
22. H | January 15th, 2009 at 7:16 am
My husband and I didn’t discuss where he’d be during the birth of our first child. I ended up with an urgent C-section (fetal distress). When the doctor told him he could look over the little curtain to see what was going on, my husband and the doctor began making comments about my internal organs which grated on me to no end, but I was so nervous that I didn’t say anything at the time. I really wanted them to SHUT UP. Twenty years later, that topic still comes up every now and then.
23. Anonymous New York | January 15th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Jonna, I hear where you’re coming from, but my husband once had blood drawn, THEN went to give the urine sample and passed out from JUST THINKING about the blood that was ALREADY DRAWN, fell down and peed all over himself. I still laugh when I think about this story. So since I should be the ONLY one receiving medical attention during labor and delivery, he shall be in the other room.
I will have my sister, who is in nursing school now, be with me. If we have a kid. Right now Matty and Sports Fan are all I can handle!
24. Misty | January 15th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Yeah, I told the Husband to “stay by my head.” And he did for the most part. But at the, shall we say, critical incident? He looked. They always do. Bah.
25. Sian | January 15th, 2009 at 9:21 am
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4245919/Psychiatrist-knits-anatomically-correct-woolly-brain.html
Knitted body parts. The new trend.
26. Marin | January 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
I didn’t read past book one in the Outlander series. Just couldn’t do it. And the visual of the knitted female reproductive organs in all its glory made me gag. Also, if the lady is on bedrest, shouldn’t she be in, say, a bed? Not birthing class? Just wondering.
27. jonniker | January 15th, 2009 at 10:33 am
ANY: Yeah, that’s what I meant by medical issues as a total pass. You do not want him peeing and fainting at a moment that’s pretty much supposed to be all about you.
Kimmothy: I’m e-mailing you. Short answer: you won’t notice any side effects, because it’s not really medication, but a synthetic version of something your body absolutely, unequivocally needs — in fact, people who are lacking it severely have fertility problems. Think of it as replacing something you’re missing, not so much as a medication.
Marin: I THOUGHT THE SAME THING. But apparently doctors gave her a pass to come to class? My doula teacher was all fired up about it, however, and slapped her ass on a pile of pillows pretty fast.
28. Casey | January 15th, 2009 at 10:51 am
My girlfriend who gave birth at home said that while she was in labor, her midwife asked her what to do with the placenta. She hadn’t given it much thought so she said, “Eh, I don’t care.” The midwife took this to mean it should be preserved. A few weeks later they discovere dthe placenta nicely preserved in some tupperware. Her roommates, with whom she shares a fridge, we utterly disgusted. Her sister thought it would be funny to thaw it out and my friend was horrified to come home to find it on the front door step all wamr and smelly from rotting in the sun all day. I say, get rid of it!
29. Tracy | January 15th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I have never really commented so HI! Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I wanted to say two things 1. I felt the same way about Marley and Me and I actually found your blog a long time ago because I was looking for the one other person in the universe who didn’t like Eat, Pray, Love.
2. Rachel Ray is my person who (m?) I hate for no real reason. I find her to be so annoying I want to punch her in her stupid word saying face
30. Kristin | January 15th, 2009 at 11:13 am
I completely agree with you about Outlander. It was recommended to me by a number of people and I laughed my way through it. I actually did finish it (I am compulsive about finishing a book once I’ve started), and for some insane reason I even started the next one in the series. That one was even worse, and I gave up after about 50 pages. That author is crazy.
31. Megan | January 15th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I was thinking the same as Marin–what is up w/ the bedrest lady not being in BED? Maybe she had a lot of learning to catch up on.
Re: your bed–did you get a body pillow yet?? GET ONE. Jon bought me a snoogle (I KNOW. I was mortified too.)–it is heaven. No more back pain AT ALL.
And he’s staying up by my head. So help me god. I’ve also let him know that the constant touching/rubbing/encouraging we saw in the birthing videos is NOT for me. Sneaking me tequila? That’s for me. (I’m kidding! Sort of…)
32. Leah | January 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I was completely anti-mirror and anti-verbal-mirror too, but everything changed when I was actually in the moment. Having spent so many hours with random people poking at my ladybits pretty much destroyed any sense of shyness about “all that,” and not only was I pushing while straining to see myself in the wall mirror on the other side of the room, but Simon abanonded my head so he could more easily get the cameras (yes, plural) into the most graphic angles. He now asks everyone if they want to see the video of the birth, and although he’s kidding, you’d be surprised by how many people say that yes, they’d love to see the video. GAH.
33. Donna | January 15th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Step away from Marley and Me. It’s not that great for the reasons you cited, however, I was a blubbering mess at the end. I knew he was going to die from the pictures of the very old dog on the cover, but it still hit me hard after losing pets of my own over the years.
Outlander I did like, but I read a lot of fantasy novels so it was not outside my realm.
Okay, my brother was born 52 years ago and they had mirrors up then. My mom claimed it was very interesting to watch,
34. Hollylynne | January 15th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Ok, Ok . . . yes, Outlander is absurd. But I still liked book 1. I trudged through book 2 and 3 too but now I’m over it. I liked it in the same way you’re tolerating Marley and Me, I think. Its fluff. The cheetos of the book world . . . tasty but kinda gross.
I actually just last night finished a book that I LOVED but thought I would hate based on it being part of Oprah’s Book Club: The Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett. If you’re into medieval England and epics (both of which are big fat CHECKs for me!) then you’d be sure to love it. Its brilliant, really gripping, and I can’t think of one character who is either all good or all bad . . . they’re all flawed, which makes things really interesting.
35. Sleepynita | January 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
You may want to have Adam at your head but I can tell you now that he will be very curious what is going on down there. My partner who faints when he sees blood, COULD NOT stop looking at my “progress” both times!
Also must see photo of striped uterus. As well you should consider this for a class gift for your instructor:
http://craftastrophe.net/2009/01/ann-coulter-birthing-doll/
Also finely knitted.
36. Nora | January 15th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
My birth class had a knitted uterus too. And I nearly passed out in every session, so embarrassing.
37. Lara | January 15th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Oh Outlander! About 10 (15?) years ago a bunch of my friends were obsessed with this book (series?). I tried, I really tried but it was such bumpf, ugh. I hardly don’t finish a book I’ve started, but I made an exception for that one.
Recently one of my real life/goodreads friends told me she loved, loved, loved it and we have fairly similar tastes in books so she lent it to me. It’s sitting here…waiting to be read. I saw the other day on goodreads that you were reading it and thought hmmmm, interesting…I wondered what you’ll think of it and was wondering how you’d rate it…I guess perhaps it wasn’t “just me” way back when I first tried it!
Not sure if I can bring myself to try again. There are so many potentially GOOD books I want to read – I think I have several HUNDRED on my goodreads to read list, and a stack in my living room. I think I’ll move Outlander to the bottom of the pile…again.
I have no comment at all on the knitted uterus. Goodness.
38. nonsoccermom | January 16th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I am fascinated by the knitted uterus! Although I have to wonder how one would go about making such a thing. Is there a pattern?
“Stay by my head” was my motto as well, but as it happened the epidural made it such that my husband had to hold one of my legs to my chest as I pushed. And it turned out that I did not even care!! After 25 hours of labor I just wanted that baby OUT, so I amended my motto to “WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF WHAT YOU SAW DOWN THERE.”
39. Jen | January 16th, 2009 at 6:42 am
Birthing class is just like a treasure trove of blog material, isn’t it? At our class last night, the instructor was talking about fetal monitoring, and asked if anyone had experienced it yet. One girl raised her hand and said that she had fallen FOUR times and had to come in for monitoring each time. I understand the trouble with balance and being a bit more clumsy, but four times? Yeesh.
The knitted uterus also made another appearance last night, as did the smock with the baby on the front and back. A new contender was the turtlenecky-tube thing that was used to represent the “blossoming cervix.” Delightful!
40. Gaby | January 16th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Damn, Sleepynita beat me to posting that link! Good lord, it’s like the woman from the “Joy of Sex” (original edition) morphed into knitted form and gave birth! Disturbing.
41. Kristabella | January 18th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I cannot get over people doing something with the placenta.
42. Catherine | January 18th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
OMG, thank you about Outlander! I wish I’d bought it in paperback instead of downloading from Audible after endless glowing recommendations from others. Bad move – I can’t even put it out at a garage sale! I tried, I really tried, to get into it, but the author is in love with her own descriptions of her hero, and when I realized I was listening to a lengthy and detailed description of the hairs on the hero’s ASS, I busted out laughing and turned it off.
Have not read Marley and Me, but I have no problem with junk food books, other than the jealousy that someone else made money off one. My brain is full of junk! I can do that!
43. samantha jo campen | January 18th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
I was totally that bedrest girl in birthing class, though I got to join the fun in a WHEELCHAIR! Talk about a pimped ride, and I felt like a dumbass trying to squeeze in around the table. EVERYONE wanted to hear my story and seriously, if I so much as shifted in my seat they all thought the baby was crowning. I only made it to one class since he was born before the second one–I’m an over achiever, what can I say?
44. Sonja von Franck | January 20th, 2009 at 12:05 am
You’re getting a lot of good comments regarding how anything can happen with the whole “husband position” during labor. I did not want/need my husband to be that involved, but after 17 hours & the possibility of a c-section, he finally couldn’t take it any more and had to see exactly what was going on. You never know how you’re going to feel about something until you’re in the moment and for me, labor was one of our most bonding experiences ever. Good Luck!
45. andhari | January 21st, 2009 at 8:20 am
im Indonesian, no we dont have eating placenta culture anywhere. Even for the traditional people.
Hes just weird.
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