Chasing Cars
January 20th, 2009
Lately, I’ve been talking to a lot of friends and other bloggers who have been struggling with when to have children — they don’t feel “ready”, they want to eat better, quit smoking, learn Mandarin before they take the plunge, etc. etc. Oh heavens, I sure understand this circular thinking, and God KNOWS I wrote a ridiculous amount of overwrought personal essays on the topic, most of which embarrassingly reside in the archives of this site, but I’m surprised that my answer, each and every time, is the same answer I always received: you’re never ready. True story.
(Existential parental crisis aside, GOD I was annoying back then (“back then” meaning as recently as “yesterday”), and I should know better than to peruse my own archives, lest I blow them all up in a fit of irritation on my irritable, annoying self.)
Anyway, not to belabor the topic, but I finally understand what everyone meant when they told me that I’d never be ready, and that now — whenever now was — is as a good a time as any. Because, even at 33 weeks and change, I’m not ready. I mean, I’m excited — nay, THRILLED — to meet this tiny person who wiggles and kicks so hard that she actually hurts, but I’m going to be honest: I’m not ready in more ways than I’m actually ready. And yet, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
We recently bought a new car, and I had what could be considered my very own Night of the Meatloaf in very condensed, yet painfully awkward, format on the phone with the finance agent, and frankly, all she did was ask me my occupation and income. I … I froze. I froze COMPLETELY, because my head started spinning as I thought about the year to come, and what my income might or might not be this year, after taking time off for the baby and whether I’ll be able to go back to work the way I used to, or even quite frankly, whether I’ll WANT to, and if this whole freelancing thing would work out with a baby, and … well, I think we can all see where this is going. Hardly unique, but you know, THERE nonetheless.
My part of Vermont isn’t exactly fraught with in-house opportunity for people like me, and when we moved here, we made the very calculated, well-considered decision to do it anyway, for reasons that have to do with what’s best for us as a couple — now, a family — and decided that my career would have to make a shift. And I knew that – I actively chose to do this, and I’ve known and embraced it since we’ve been here, and I have absolutely no regrets about the choices I’ve made, and will continue to make in the interest of the three of us. In fact, I’m probably happier now than I’ve ever been.
But there’s nothing to make you feel more worthless than talking to a financial agent at a car dealership when you realize that because you hesitated like a loon as your future flashed before your eyes, causing you to panic and put your hand over the receiver as you whisper-scream to your husband that the coming year is full of unknowns, both exciting and terrifying, and that despite a credit score climbing towards 800, you don’t think you can QUALIFY on your own, even though you probably would have before you LOST YOUR SHIT on the nice Honda lady who now thinks you’re SHADY and trying to SCAM HONDA. I mean, all she did was ask my INCOME and I just panicked for a full three minutes before I pulled something SO LOW out of my ASS and then begrudgingly handed over Adam’s social security number and financial information. Fine. You win, Honda. You WIN.
That is, assuming she even gives us the loan after the absurd amount of hemming, hawing and abject panicking I did before answering her VERY SIMPLE QUESTION.
It was so awkward and upsetting that when I hung up, ADAM ASKED IF I WAS OKAY, and we had a very long talk about it. Thank you, Honda Finance!
I mean, I don’t think there’s any way to be ready for that. I don’t think there’s a way to be ready to realize that your family contributions and priorities are about to shift in a way you didn’t expect, away from being measured on tax returns and bank accounts, to that of family first, and finding the perfect balance — a balance I think we can all agree, simply does not exist without sacrifice, no matter what your decisions.
I don’t know. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, except to say that we all do the best we can, and make the best choices we can with the circumstances we’re given. And trust that it will all work out for the best, for all of us, because, well, it will.
I mean, provided Honda follows through and actually gives me a loan. I’m not sure I would if I heard someone freak out like I did. And uh, they haven’t called me back today, so God only knows. There’s probably a giant red flag next to my name that says, “SHADY-ASS LUNATIC.”
Despite all this, I mean it when I say that I am truly happy. It doesn’t mean I’m fully ready, but it means I’m perfectly okay with not being ready, because I don’t know who is.
Happy Wednesday!
*Oh, LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
20 Comments Add your own
1. page | January 21st, 2009 at 12:06 am
Isn’t it great, even when you are freaking out about all that you aren’t ready for, to take a look around you and realize all of the amazing things that are RIGHT THERE AROUND US even as we frantically prepare for what lies ahead of us?
I’m so glad that you and Adam have each other and that gorgeous little girl you hold so close to you. It will all come, even if differently than you plan.
You have it so right, Jonna, that I did a fist-pump as I read this.
YAY!
2. Kristi | January 21st, 2009 at 12:12 am
I’ve been a parent now for going on 7 years, and I’m still not ready for it! But, I’m happy. Parenthood is defintely not for the faint-of-heart.
3. Swistle | January 21st, 2009 at 6:25 am
You’re totally right. Even when I’m BURNING UP WITH BABY FEVER, I don’t feel calm and ready for the next baby. I’ve had many panics with each pregnancy.
4. Hillary | January 21st, 2009 at 7:45 am
Oh those choices … the husband and I work in the same field, actually with the same company, and it’s been hard over the last year, since I had The Boy, watching the husband rise while I tread water. I chose it. I chose to have a daycare close to my office, so I’m the one that has to leave at a certain time everyday. I chose to seek out a role that has less responsibility and set hours, so I can spend more time at home. But some days, it just does NOT seem fair. The husband and I have had more arguments about this in the last year than anything else parent-related. I don’t regret the choices, but it’s a sacrifice and a big shift for this formerly career-oriented girl, one that seems even bigger when sleep-deprived … . We get through it though. So will you.
5. Marin | January 21st, 2009 at 8:54 am
You are not irritable and annoying. You are quirky and honest. This will all work out. (Honda, I’m looking at you.)
6. Sadie | January 21st, 2009 at 9:32 am
hahaha, your own personal Night of the Meatloaf! I know you get to blame it on pregnancy, but what is it about grown-up things like answering a loan officer’s questions that make me feel like a criminal and a liar, even though I am not? The last time I financed a car I was in the middle of a move, and you should have heard me trying to explain my address to the salesman filling out forms; I am sure I sounded like a “Shady-Ass Lunatic.”
I accept that I will never truly be “ready,” any more than anyone is…but your candor and thoughtfulness make me confident that you’re at least as ready as anyone has ever been. You’re going to be a great mother, and I also think it’s going to be really, really funny.
7. Jen | January 21st, 2009 at 9:44 am
Thanks for this post. This shift in our lives is also just a mere six weeks away, and you were able to put into words a bit of what’s been on my mind as our baby’s due date gets closer and closer.
It WILL all work out for the best.
8. Laura | January 21st, 2009 at 10:44 am
I was trying to explain this to friends of mine: no way to be ready. No way. Only thing to do is jump in. My first pregnancy was accidental- I was 23. Three and a half years later, people keep telling me “oh, there’s no way I would have been ready! I was having too much FUN at 23!” Which makes me want to hurt them, and also: they would have been ready, if that’s what happens and it’s the choice you make. As far as I can tell, there’s no magic age at which everything clicks into place, right? I think I will feel like a kid at the grown-up’s table until I’m in a retirement home.
Re: income changes, I had been a stay-at-home mom for three years before I had my own night of the meatloaf. We switched banks, and the new bank wouldn’t give me a credit card. And they acted INCREDULOUS that I would want one. The guy on the phone was just like “ma’am, we’d never give out a credit card to someone without an income no matter what the credit score was”. I have other cards of course and it was no big deal, in the end, but wow did I wig out. They give credit cards to college freshmen and *I* didn’t qualify??!!
9. Rebecca (Bearca) | January 21st, 2009 at 11:56 am
Yep, you’re never ready. And I think that knowing that now means you are more ready than you think you are! It’s the people who think they ARE ready who really aren’t ready at all.
(Could I use the word “ready” a few more times? Methinks not.)
But anyway. You will be great. I just know it.
10. TwoBusy | January 21st, 2009 at 12:14 pm
And thus, the student becomes the teacher…
11. slynnro | January 21st, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I’m a lawyer, with an actual paying job, and I couldn’t qualify for a car loan for anything but maybe a Kia, so vastly underpaid am I. A big part of my “contribution” to our house is being the flexible one. Which is a bit difficult ot quantify. I know this feeling will only get more intense if we procreate and I stay at home (as is our plan).
12. Kristin H | January 21st, 2009 at 1:23 pm
We are looking at having my husband stay home full time to homeschool our kids, which is a change I never even considered until it presented itself (I thought I would be working PT and homeschooling them). This will take some getting used to on both our parts, if we decide to do it. But I do think that taking this one step away from what we’ve known in the past may allow us to pursue options in the future that we might not have considered otherwise. Like when you chose FT freelancing. Taking that first step allows you to see things in a different light and maybe end up with a life you didn’t expect, yet is good in ways you didn’t anticipate.
This is what I’m telling myself, at least, as we think about living on one income.
13. Tara | January 21st, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Thank you for reiterating (in more eloquence than most) what so many people say but don’t believe every day. My husband has kept me waiting 3 years longer than he said he would for kids, and it’s KILLING ME. He wants to be financially ready for a kid (even though EVERYONE says you can never be financially prepared for a kid) before we have one. I say that if we’re financially secure (i.e. no debt, minimal bills), then that’s as ready as we’re going to get. But since he’s been making me wait, I’ve developed a list of things I want to do beforehand: finish my Master’s, run a marathon, etc… But, I’ve set a timeline for each of my things – and for him.
I’ll be done with my list by the end of 2009. Maybe if I don’t have any more reasons, I can convince him that his reasons are moot and we can finally take the plunge to become parents. Thanks, as always, for your insight.
14. Megan | January 21st, 2009 at 6:49 pm
100% ditto what Jen said. I’ve been inexplicably “off” lately, and I think this is a large part as to why.
My recent change in job status may not have been my decision, and yes, things will work out, somehow, but damn, it’s hard NOW. I’ve had a few “Nights of the Meatloaf” lately…
(Which car did you get? I’m dying to know.)
15. jonniker | January 21st, 2009 at 7:37 pm
MJ: We got another Honda CR-V, in silver. We’ve had one before, also in silver. We’re … thrillingly predictable, what can I say?
16. Anyabeth | January 21st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Aw but you are ready! Because look how freaked out you are! That is the only normal way to react.
And honestly, I feel like you should be able to have a get out of shadyland card by telling loan officers that you are pregnant. Actually, if it was a woman you should call her back. Bet you would be immediately approved.
17. kirida | January 22nd, 2009 at 8:58 am
I felt the same way. I excelled in college. I planned out how long I would study, wrote on flashcards, recorded class lectures only to write them out later. So when I got pregnant, I thought I could apply the same kind of studious ethic, like if I just planned everything it would work out. I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. But somehow everything worked out. It just does. You adjust–spend less, save more, work more, work less–until it just fits your life.
18. JulieG | January 22nd, 2009 at 10:45 am
Jonna, delurking to comment. I wish you all the best and think that your seemingly level-headed approach to life will make you a wonderful mother. Also your incredible sense of humor. I have two boys ages 6 and 3 and can tell you only one thing about your upcoming Adventure in Parenthood: it will be the most awe-inspiring experience ever. You will laugh and cry and rant and rave (much later, of course.) (Although: a few months of my firstborn’s “I’ll sleep when I want to and there is nothing you or Dr. Sears can do about it” phase had me pretty ranty and ravey.) (Didn’t mean to frighten you and this will NEVER happen to you, of course.) I am humbled daily by how much I love these little men and how lucky I am to have them. And you are lucky to have your little miracle and she is very, very lucky to have you.
19. Kristabella | January 22nd, 2009 at 11:09 am
I obviously don’t know since I’m childless, but I do know that is true that you are never ready, just from watching my friends and family when they first had kids.
But you learn and you make it work. And you will too and you and Adam will be awesome parents!
20. Mauigirl | January 27th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I never felt ready and ended up not having kids. And since I didn’t, I never found out what I missed, so I’m OK with it – but I’m sure I’m missing out on a wonderful experience. I want to echo the others who say you two will be great parents!
I know it must seem weird not to be contributing as much financially to the family in the near future but you’ll be doing a much harder and very important job – raising your daughter. And with your talents you will be able to get back to work whenever you need or want to.
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