The Perfect Drug
January 28th, 2009
Since returning to my own bed with Adam, my outlook on life has improved significantly. I feel silly saying that, but being away from him at night, especially now, really threw me. I mean, it made me sad. That’s kind of ridiculous, I know, and also may have more to do with the fact that our spare bed is underneath the heating vent, which is like having the Sahara desert blasted on your face for eight straight hours.
I’m not one of those people who likes to go on and on in long, saccharine entries about their relationship and life partners (NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT), so I’m writing this more for me than anything else, but one of the things I want to remember most about this time is the impact it’s had on my relationship. Pregnancy is such a universal experience, but each person’s is so very specific to them in its cozy feeling of anticipation and excitement. If parenthood drives us apart the way many say it does, well, it’s a good thing we spent pregnancy getting closer together. I think I’m going to miss that.
Yesterday, my computer fried, and I’m not convinced everything is back to normal. (God, am I hoping Adam doesn’t read this.) There was a sizzling sound and a fried power cord and long hours with the black screen of “Rescue and Recovery” and OY. All this on a laptop that is a year old, if that, and I have UNFINISHED PROJECTS on there, and oy vey, bad bad news. I am a computer-killer, for those who don’t know– I whip through them like Kleenex and it’s just. plain. miserable. I’m spending a good part of tomorrow doing some backing up, is what I’m saying, not to mention figuring out if the writing I did yesterday and today still exists somewhere. Oy.
Onward! To birthing class! It seems that yesterday was circumcision day on the Interwebs, and apparently my birthing class got the memo, as it was on the menu almost immediately when we walked in. We’re the only couple in the class expecting a girl, and HOO BOY, I don’t know that I have ever felt so obnoxiously smug, because HA HA, not my problem. I watched the proceedings and listened to the warnings with detached amusement, because who cares right now? No one’s going to hack away at my kid’s private parts, and I don’t have to make any decisions, nor do I have to deal with the consequences in either direction!
(Memo to universe: this is not the time to hand me a boy, despite three ultrasounds confirming that it’s a girl. I mean, not that I wouldn’t love him regardless, but really, NOT NOW.)
I will say this, however: I don’t think I’d tell the Internets what I did if I were having a boy. Because man oh man, people are NUTS about that shit, and the last thing I’d want my kid to read about later in life is a bunch of crazy-ass strangers vilifying his mother for what she did or did not do to his VERY PRIVATE PENIS WHICH SHOULD NOT BE UP FOR DISCUSSION BY ANYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD EXCEPT HIM AND HIS FUTURE WIFE.
Yesterday was also drug day, where we learned about the various drugs available to us during labor. We were also, perhaps not surprisingly, warned about the DIRE AWFUL THINGS that could happen to us as a result of said drugs, thanks to our earth mama doula/teacher, who is staunchly pro-natural childbirth.
And while I don’t regret the decision to give birth at the big hospital here vs. the small one where I am almost certain to pass my infant into the hands of Dr. Leans A Lot, I am now wishing they had intrathecals as an option vs. the epidural, because my birthing teacher spent some quality time freaking me out about paralysis and migrating catheters and death! LET US NOT FORGET THE DEATH. And you know, with an intrathecal, the risk of paralysis is only during the injection itself, whereas she was sure to tell us that the epidural’s risks are for the ENTIRE TIME.
Adam, in particular, is completely freaked out, and spent the car ride home from the hospital repeating things like, “Call me crazy, but I don’t want my wife PARALYZED OR DEAD.”
Well played, birthy lady, WELL PLAYED. You’ve got two people totally freaked out and spending way too much time Googling epidural risks and freaking right the fuck out. At this rate of conversion, I’ll be taking my midwife up on that birthing pool or requesting my own bed of straw in the great outdoors for a truly natural experience.
(Side note: I’m all for all-natural births, no kidding, I just never thought I’d have one, so please don’t think I am in any way mocking the experience. And I’ll also be honest in that now that she’s got me all paralyzed and shit, I’m seriously considering it.)
(Except that I’m also planning on talking through all my options with my doctor and will totally pick what I’m comfortable with based on real information.)
(I’m saying this because I can see the birth police coming out of every corner and it will be all my fault, but dude! We are ALL UNIQUE BIRTHING SNOWFLAKES! And no one gets a prize for how their kid came out! There is no medal for childbirth!)
Anyway! I hope that you’re all enjoying your snow if you’re on the east coast. Naturally, we’re buried, but it should be clear and dry in time for my southern baby shower migration (“southern” being “Boston”).
Happy Thursday!
*Nine Inch Nails. Once in a while I pull out the old albums, and I’m always glad I did.
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30 Comments Add your own
1. H | January 28th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I had a C-section (he was in distress) with my first and afterward, the nurse kept coming into my room, poking my legs and asking if I could feel anything. I’d tell her no, she’d look at the clock, tell me OK, she’d return again later. The looking at the clock OTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. After a few times, I started asking, “Why?! Has it been too long?!” I was fine in the end, but I did not appreciate the clock watching. Couldn’t she check her watch after she left my room?
You’ll be fine. You’ll make the right choice for you.
2. parodie | January 28th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I think “we are all unique birthing snowflakes” needs to become a timeless internet phrase. I may be chuckling over that for a while.
Good luck with the decisions! I’m sure you will chose as seems best for you and your family.
3. Janssen | January 28th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I love that phrase “Unique birthing snowflakes.” Might I suggest that you run quickly and trademark it before you lose all rights to it forever and ever?
4. Danell | January 28th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
It may just be my personality type, but the whole “birth plan” thing freaks me out…I mean, how many birth stories does one need to read before figuring out that it NEVER seems to go as planned?? And I just get even MORE freaked out if I have a plan and things are not GOING according to said plan…therefore, best not to make one. And I have a monstrous needle phobia that I managed to overcome nicely during my first labor: “OKAY, I THINK I WOULD LIKE THAT EPIDURAL NOW”
I have no birth plan for this time around, either…except to be much more certain that I will GREATLY appreciate the epidural and that I would like to TRY pushing before we LET IT WEAR OFF.
5. Amanda | January 28th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
We didn’t circumsize our boy, but I never really saw it as MY choice. My husband is the one with the penis; I figured it was up to him.
Our hippy dippy birth instructor got me all psyched up for a natural childbirth the first time and after 12 hours of contractions, I got the epidural. Instead of helping me relax and make progress like I’d hoped, it stalled my labor dead and only worked for 30 minutes (I was one of those people whose epidural was put in the wrong spot). But those thirty minutes! The. Best.
With Genoa I thought long and hard and realized the only reason I had for wanting a natural childbirth was so I could say I had one. I’m not sure anyone’s mentioned this to you yet? But it kinda HURTS. I got the epidural early with her and I swear to god I’ve taken shits that hurt more than her birth did.
Whatever you end up doing, you’ll have a baby at the end of it and like all of us, you’ll conveniently forget how much it sucked getting her here.
6. Danell | January 28th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
And on an unrelated note, can they NOT make the Prep H smell any better?? That smell just LINGERS, too…doesn’t it??
7. Ilana | January 28th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Hah!! Birthing snowflakes. Love it. And seriously, I think that there are people out there that live soley for the opportunity to freak the flip out of pregnant people. Soley. Of course there are a million things that could go wrong with an epidural, as with giving birth, or letting your child ride a bike for the first time. My hell, I’m sure I could think of a catastrophic possibility for backing my car out of the driveway. And yet I’m not presented with all of them at my most vunerable and hormonal state. K thanks for that. And big snowflake medal for ya’ll who go natural, because by the time I got to a six the possibility of death inflicted the the epidural was looking GOOD. Not that you’ll experience anything like that Jonniker. Lalala rainbows and fluffy bunnies. (take the epidural and run sista)
8. Carmen | January 28th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
“We are ALL UNIQUE BIRTHING SNOWFLAKES!” is SO true. I love it. I think I’ll steal it and use it in all future conversations regarding childbirth. Thanks!
I had an epidural for my first delivery – I’d been in labour for 3 days and was at 8.5 cm, but progress was so slow I was falling asleep standing up in between contractions. I finally got an epidural so I could get a bit of sleep – baby was out 7 hours later. With my second delivery I asked for an epidural, assuming that I would be at this for hours yet, and three contractions later was pushing. No epidural or anything.
Either way — I got a cute baby out of the deal. Happiness all around.
9. Amy K | January 28th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Dude, I’m so with you on the epidural paranoia. I mean, it involves a NEEDLE going into my spinal column. I know the paralysis risks are only 1 in 150,000 or whatever, but still. What if I get one of those crazy resistant hospital superbugs in the injection site? (Not a neurotic worrier at all, oh no.) On the other hand, my close circle of friends includes three doctors (two OB/GYNs) and they’ve all said, “Amy, seriously, get the epidural. You’ll be so glad. They don’t call it the “ring of fire” for nothing.” So I’m still leaning toward an epidural, but I can’t stand to think about it for very long.
10. Blythe | January 28th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
I’m sorry, but I think we all deserve MEDALS. I realize the baby is supposed to be the reward, but whatever. I WANT MY MEDAL.
Ahem.
I think it’s no coincidence that your birthing (man, I hate that word) class discussed circumcision and drugs on the same day. Perhaps the Momversationalists should have introduced some drugs (or at least a calming glass of wine) into their comments sections too.
I hate to get all smooshy too, but pregnancy was a truly magical (and I don’t use that word lightly) time in our marriage. There’s nothing quite like it.
11. Anyabeth | January 28th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Birthing Snowflakes? BRILLIANCE
And, if my experience means anything you probably won’t care about paralysis if you are to the point when you are considering the epidural.
12. mar | January 28th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
man, i skipped a day of checking and two posts!
i need to tell my friend a (who i started her on reading you), what a unique snowflake she is. she’ll be induced on friday & welcome her son into the world. he’s gonna be a cute bugger.
and i can’t imagine how lonely it must’ve been sleeping apart from adam at this point. i’m not pregnant and it tears me up occasionally when i stay alone at my place. (maybe it’s because of the pillowtop at my bf’s…)
13. metalia | January 29th, 2009 at 12:00 am
I was SO VERY freaked out about the whole “needle in my spine” thing for months. And then came the moment during labor with Alex where I truly needed the epidural (I was given a pitocin drip; there was no way to “calmly breathe through” that shit), and I tell you, Jonna; I would have STABBED MY OWN SELF IN THE SPINE with the needle to make the pain go away, I kid you not. I say this not to freak you out further, but rather to tell you that if it gets to the point where you really *need* the pain relief, you won’t mind the means of delivery. Trust me.
14. Sundry | January 29th, 2009 at 12:36 am
WORD on the circumcision discussions. PENIS PRIVACY PLZ.
15. She Likes Purple | January 29th, 2009 at 1:45 am
I’d forgo the birthing medal if I could be guaranteed a birthing celebratory pizza that I can eat without the fear of throwing up for one of the various reasons I’ve thrown up over the last nine months.
Also, I kind of hate long-winded posts about lovey relationships myself, and I do them quite a lot, I know! I think it’s because I too want to remember the good when the bad comes round and it does come — we’re an “ebbs and flows” kind of couple — and so I like the record of how wonderful he was “then” when he’s such an asshat “now.” All that to say, I too have loved the closeness of pregnancy and it’s one of the very few things I will miss about it. It’s actually enough to do it again one day and that says a whole helluva lot about how awesome he’s been throughout this experience because, wow, am I officially in the “GET HIM OUT” camp now.
Paralysis … I just … I need a drink.
16. bessie.viola | January 29th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Yeesh, it was a banner day at birthing class, wasn’t it? Am glad that we never made it to ours now!
We showed up at the wrong time – ended up going to the “prep for your c-section” class. God was laughing, apparently, because that’s exactly what I ended up going through.
I had plans for a natural birth, I was afraid of the epidural for all the reasons you listed. Then I ended up on a Pitocin drip, never progressed, and was wheeled away to the OR. I was really grateful for the epidural because it allowed me to be conscious for my daughter’s birth.
You’ll be fine, really. I hate the scaremongers. I’m with you: UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE indeed. You’ll do great whatever method you end up taking!
17. Jess | January 29th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Oh god. I can never take Torsten to a birthing class or he will pass out from the trauma and spend the entire birthing experience flipping out that I’m about to die.
18. TwoBusy | January 29th, 2009 at 9:51 am
No, no… the deep south doesn’t begin until you’re past Hartford.
19. ali | January 29th, 2009 at 10:11 am
i was way more nervous about POOPING ON THE DELIVERY TABLE than being paralyzed by the epidural. hahaha.
20. Sadie | January 29th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
oh, I think I am going to take all the drugs…I don’t know anyone who’s been paralyzed by an epidural, and I know a lot of people. And then I am going to lie and tell everyone I did it all-natural. And then I am going to formula-feed and lie and tell everyone it’s pumped breastmilk! And I am going to get my baby son circumcised and tell everyone I didn’t, he came like that! And then I am going to let him CIO and lie and tell everyone he is the best sleeper ever! And also, I am going to spank him and then deny it to anyone who asks. I will probably also laugh when he swears, but act shocked and appalled when he does it in public.
I am not even joking, is the funny thing.
21. Kristin | January 29th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I second what everyone has said re: not caring about the epidural risks by the time you actually want one…my labor progressed so fast that I couldn’t have one, but MAN did I want it. And I was very, very scared of having the whole needle in the spine thing before labor started, due to a spinal tap incident that went horribly awry a number of years earlier, but never forgotten.
I did want to comment on the idea of growing apart once the baby comes. I have found the opposite to be true, both for me and my friends who are new parents. Although I loved being pregnant, I thought it was kind of isolating because I was experiencing everything and my husband was just kind of the observer. But once the baby comes, you are both in that shit together.
I think some parts of your relationship do initially suffer (sex, duh and ditto romance) but I thought we grew much, much closer as a couple. You will have this incredible bond over your baby, and this responsibility and love unlike anything you could have imagined. I felt more like we were a team than at any other time in our marriage–and I’ve never loved my husband more after seeing him take care of our child.
I don’t want to get all sappy here, but I’ve been reading your posts about how nervous you are about how much your lives will change and it’s brought back so many memories for me. All I can tell you is that it definitely will change, and it will sometimes be very hard, but the good so out weighs the bad. Being the parents of your new family is an incredible experience.
My son is two and I still marvel every day over how lucky we are to have him, and how happy he makes us. Even yesterday when he threw an enormous tantrum in the very quiet library–rocking him to sleep later that night as he told me in great detail about how loud snowplows and airplanes can be…it’s just so worth it. You’re going to love it, I promise!
22. Kristin H | January 29th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Unique birthing snowflakes! I laughed out loud. I hope people leave you alone about what you decide. Unless you decide to get drugs. Don’t get the drugs.
Just kidding. I got the drugs!
23. Kristabella | January 29th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I will never understand why people get so Judgey McJudgerson with OTHER people and their babies and pregnancies, etc. It is your life/kid/experience and you’re allowed to do what you want.
Me? I would be all about the drugs because I do not like pain!
24. Carolyn J. | January 29th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Sorry to wander, but did you see this? I immediately thought of you:
http://graphjam.com/2009/01/29/song-chart-memes-pregnancy
25. Swistle | January 29th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
“Unique birthing snowflakes” = best ever.
Also, what I suggest is having them bring you the “dessert tray” of recreational birthing drugs so you can try a little of this, little of that.
26. Swistle | January 29th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
I just read through your comment section, and I was doing that thing where the laughing starts to be an ab workout and also starts to look like someone’s going to need a slap. OMG. So funny.
Also, wouldn’t it be great if they released information about all the medicine-taking, medicine-passively-receiving babies who were not even slightly dead or paralyzed? And I wonder, could it be called medicine? As in, “pain medicine”? As opposed to “drugs” as if women in childbirth were epidural addicts going through pregnancy/birth just to score hospital-grade PAIN RELIEF? OR, I wonder if they could start discussing the dangers of “drugs” during the pre-surgery education for OTHER procedures, such as ectomies and the like.
Hm. I seem to have stopped laughing, but I think a slap might still be useful kthanx.
27. norm | January 29th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
IMHO natural childbirth training is awesome no matter how anesthetized you’re going to be. There are parts of labor that, according to my wife, are going to be way uncomfortable no matter what, so the techniques learned are going to certainly come in handy.
Also, this:
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5gg4exq9Yd_jJxRm6Y-hNsa3ZIVwQ
28. Megan | January 29th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Our birth class ladies are total polar opposites. She was all for the drugs (yay for me!). If only I’d been smart enough to RETAIN some of it. She did talk about how it’s VERY rare to be paralyzed from an epi (something about how it doesn’t actually go near your spine, it’s inserted below it)…but again, my attention span…
I literally LOL’d at Metalia’s comment…b/c I am convinced that is going to be me. I don’t care HOW she comes out, as long as she does, and she’s ok.
29. Zephra | January 29th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I had 2 without drugs and 2 with, including epidurals. Give me an epidural any day. Hell, I could have shot out 20 kids with it. But then again, I didn’t have very good support when I had the 2 drugless and I bet that makes a big difference.
30. TB | January 29th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
All I can say is I did plan for natural birth and then I got induced and then I got an epidural and I freaked out about not being able to move my legs for about 15 seconds before I realized that I also could no longer feel the Pitocin contractions. And that my friend was the best thing ever.
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