Don’t Tell Me Lies
I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I can’t stand when female-female hostility is immediately pinned on envy. It’s overplayed and only rarely, in my experience, is it actually true. And sadly, what’s amusing to me is that it seems that the pettiest among us are the first to lay it out there as an excuse.
“Oh, she’s just JEALOUS.”
Ninety percent of the time, I feel like shouting, “No no, darling, you WISH she were jealous, is the thing. I think she’s just pissy, for some indiscernible reason. Which is fine! It does not mean she covets your hair or your intellect. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. Although both are lovely! Really!”
That paragraph, by the way, has absolutely no relevance on anything in particular that’s happened recently, except that I *do* think that Etta James really *is* envious of Beyonce, ergo her promised ass-whipping. Hell, I’m not even a jealous person, and I’m envious of Beyonce, if only for her would-be-whipped ass. And thighs. And brickhouse body in general.
Actually, right now I’m envious of anyone who has a body that doesn’t fatigue on a dime, because I took my sorry, pregnant non-brickhouse ass to the grocery store today and had to promptly lie down the second I got home. God, that was PAINFUL and particularly exhausting, and made me feel absolutely ridiculous, because seriously, it was a trip to the grocery store for some taco supplies and fruit, not the Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon.
Look, I’m not going to go on too much, because really, I have an ulterior motive. I’m panicking about baby supplies, and though I *think* I have most of the necessary stuff (yes, we have a car seat, of course), I could really use a prepare for departure and cross-check up in this piece, so I *am* curious:
What are the things you, if you have kids, absolutely could not live without in those first few weeks? And of course, if you don’t, what did your friends have that they told you about?
Edited to add: Dude, this is so not considered assvice. I asked for it! I DID! And if you’re being assy about the advice-y, I will ignore you. And it will be fine!
(Incidentally, I remember my friend A asking my then-boss, who is kind of … manly and attractive … what the bare necessities were before her first daughter was born and he, humiliatingly, very earnestly replied that his wife couldn’t live without stool softener. I will never forget that. And if she’s reading this, neither will she. STOOL SOFTENER. Imagine, if you will, a totally hot guy telling you the first thing you should buy, like RIGHT THIS MINUTE, is stool softener. )
Happy weekend!
*Totally irrelevant to the post at hand, but it’s Breathe. Dude, do you guys remember them? Like, the whole pathetic ballad band with the weird dude and the pansy voice? I … I can’t stop thinking about them lately, after hearing “Hands to Heaven” in the dentist’s office, and their album is thus far unavailable online. I LOVED them. LOVED. And they were terrible! And yet so good! So BritPop ’80s!
And this video, blurry as it is, has been KILLING me all day. KILLING ME.
75 comments February 5th, 2009