Cold Water
February 9th, 2009
Oh MY. Thank you so much for all of your advice re: supplies, etc. etc. I … I think I have almost everything, although we’re running into a breast pump issue that will soon be resolved, but is the DIRECT RESULT of residing in a wee town with very few resources.
Other side effects include a desperate town-wide run to a variety of stores because I JUST NOW figured out that “newborn” is not the same size as “0-3 months” which is … well, I’m sorry, it’s ridiculous, is what it is, and I really hardly had any newborn-sized anything at all. And while I realize she’ll be a newborn for all of THREE WHOLE SECONDS, I have this irrational fear of drowning her in the wrong-sized onesie, resulting in a lifetime of trauma or, I don’t know, death by onesie. I wonder if you can sue Carter’s for that?
Anyway, we had our hospital tour on Saturday which was … well, not super-helpful, but somewhat necessary, if only to make sure we knew where we were going when the day inevitably comes, provided it’s not too late to change our minds. (Ha ha?) However, there were a few things I most definitely wish she had not mentioned, including, but not limited to:
- This is not usually a busy time of year, but this year, they are positively OVERRUN with births, followed by a lengthy statement wondering what could have been happening nine months ago to make people in such a babymaking mood. Maybe I’m merely immature, but you know, gross. Also, this might have been a fine thing to say, had it not been preceded by …
- “When we’re really busy, we have had to birth babies on these beds right here,” she said as she pointed to SEVERAL BEDS IN THE HALLWAY, that were like, THREE INCHES APART. Perhaps I, and all the other women who were getting it on nine months ago, will be able to squeeze each other’s hands during contractions as we pray that our beds don’t wheel into the visitor’s lounge.
- She walked us by a Mystery Room where women go to not really give birth but, uh, don’t actually have babies … or something. It was all very unclear. I hoped it was women on bedrest or monitoring, but it also could have been something much more … sad, and something I’d rather not think about. And also, if I get placed in the Sad Room of Mystery because they are overrun with birthing mothers, I will freak right the hell out, because I don’t want to be placed in the Room of Mystery and Doom. I don’t want to be doomed.
So basically, although I have no birth plan whatsoever, I am petrified of a) having the skinny doctor I hate be on call; b) giving birth in the Room of Doom; or c) giving birth in the hallway. This means that I will totally have the skinny doctor, followed by a brief stint in the hallway and THEN a move to the Room of Doom. Mark my words.
And here I was afraid the worst thing that could happen was that I’d be stuck in the waterbirth room where the tub was Large and Unwieldy and also, would leave me all naked in the middle of a room without the protection of a bed or a bathroom. (I don’t know why those two things make me feel safer. I don’t. I mean, it’s not like either of them COVER YOUR VAGINA FROM THE MASSES.)
(Also, this reminds me of the birth video they showed us in class where Carl, a man right out of the streets of Revere, no lie, hops in the shower with his ’80s-haired wife while she voice-overs that “they shoulda brought Cahl a bathin’ suit!” And HA HA, guess what’s on our hospital’s recommended packing list? A BATHING SUIT FOR THE PARTNER. Which, I don’t know why, kills me.)
At any rate, I’m sure there was something more interesting and non-self centered or pregnancy related that I intended to go on about, but I’ve completely forgotten and it’s clearly time to take a bath and/or panic about drowning my kid in a footed pajama set or something.
I will say that I will likely post a picture or two tomorrow after I take them (oh, and after our final birthing class where she will doubtless freak us out about postpartum depression) because MY GOD, the belly has taken over, and today when I hit the health food store, the woman justifiably asked if I was due five minutes ago. Because yes, I will finally admit, it looks that way at 36 and a half weeks.
And hey, what’s the real deal on baby wipes? Are they REALLY not flushable? Because COME ON.
Happy Tuesday!
*Reindeer Section. Man, my music selections have gone stale since I stopped having any time to find anything new.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
41 Comments Add your own
1. Erica | February 9th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Statement of the week, nay, the year – cover your vagina from the masses.
2. Danell | February 9th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Yeah, I wouldn’t flush the wipes. Unless you like visits from the plumber. I mean, I would at least avoid flushing ‘em down your OWN toilet. Even ones that say “flushable.”
You just get a little system down where you pile them up on the dirty diaper and roll them up in there when you’re done.
3. Carla Hinkle | February 9th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Really, truly not flushable. Wrap them up in the dirty diaper, as aforesaid.
I can say that one totally loses one’s modesty in the throes of giving birth (at least I did) and I STILL would not, not, not want to give birth in a hallway. Even if a person didn’t notice at the moment (which, come on, who wouldn’t notice?), I would be likely to replay that in my head for YEARS. So let’s all think good, No Hallway Birth thoughts for Jonna!
4. Anyabeth | February 9th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Girl do not flush unless you like calling the plumber.
I think newborn clothes are the most annoying thing ever. People told me I wouldn’t need any because she would only be that size for about five minutes. But then I had a small baby who just was that size for a while and the 0-3 months stuff would have been a joke. If I had been prepared she would have been a ten pounder.
I cannot believe that you are already 36 weeks.
5. Leah | February 9th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
We only had one Newborn sleeper because I was convinced I’d birth at least an 8-pounder, and after about a week of drowning in onesies, we went out and bought a handful of smaller clothes, which I was convinced would last about two weeks. Happy to report that we’re just now (at eight weeks) putting them in a box bound for the attic, so yes, the newborn clothes were well worth the $2 each we spent at the consignment shop.
6. jonniker | February 9th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Yes, um, well. On the baby wipe issue, I wasn’t really thinking about their use for the baby (I’ve diapered many infants in my day, thanks to a variety of nieces and nephews and remember the swoop and fold maneuver very well). I was … well, I was rather thinking of their use on other people’s (people who may or may not be pregnant, I’m not saying), um … sensitive areas that may be impacted by … changes … at the moment and will likely stay that way for a while after birth, um, right?
Thus far, there has been no flushing, but oh it is TEMPTING.
7. Sadie | February 9th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
“Perhaps I, and all the other women who were getting it on nine months ago, will be able to squeeze each other’s hands during contractions as we pray that our beds don’t wheel into the visitor’s lounge.” Just snorted ginger ale out my nose and it buuurrnnnnns! HILARIOUS, except for how, you know, that could really happen. If I had to choose, I would pick Hallway Birth over Sad Room of Mystery.
I’m sorry that this is all at your expense but goddamn, it’s funny.
8. Jamie | February 10th, 2009 at 12:15 am
I realize it probably doesn’t seem this way to you, but DAMN. This has officially been the fastest pregnancy in all of blogland. Hope the remainder is smooth sailing!
9. Kristi | February 10th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I swear, I think they give the same speech to all expecting parents on the hospital tour – overrun with births lately, women on beds in the hall, blah blah blah. The Room of M&D is a new one though!
There are adult flushable wipes! You know, if some OTHER adults around your house may need that comfort for a while!
10. metalia | February 10th, 2009 at 1:48 am
WHAT? I flush baby wipes all the damn time. Oops. (Perhaps my industrial-strength apartment building toilet keeps us from any Significant Plumbing Issues?)
Also, why does every single person–male and female– in every birthing video ever made look like they require some quality time with a razor and/or hot wax?
(To answer your unasked question, J is away on a business trip, and I am struck with insomnia while he’s gone, hence my comment at 1:48 IN THE DAMN MORNING OH MY HELL.)
11. JMH | February 10th, 2009 at 5:49 am
I didn’t have a birth plan for my first child either. Well, I guess my “plan” was to have a healthy baby with a quick and pain-free labor….HA! Anyway, it all worked out OK. I got the one dr. I hated from our OB/GYN office, but he was fine in the delivery room. In fact, he was like a completly different person. It will all be OK, I promise. However, the Mystery Room does seem a bit odd….???
12. susan | February 10th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Um, I packed a bathing suit. For myself. I figured they wouldn’t want me exposing myself any more than was absolutely necessary. Good thing I never took it out of the bag or I would have had to deliver the baby myself while all the maternity nurses lay on the floor laughing at me. Privacy! Hahahahahha!
13. Hillary | February 10th, 2009 at 7:40 am
I thought everyone lied about losing your modesty in labor. They are not lying. That being said, I don’t think I’d want to give birth in the hall.
14. ali | February 10th, 2009 at 8:46 am
wait…what? baby wipes aren’t flushable?
how did i not know this?
i have been flushing them for, um, 8 years.
15. Shelly | February 10th, 2009 at 8:50 am
If you’re looking for flushable wipes, several of the toilet paper manufacturers have come out with some. They usually say “feminine cleaning cloths” or some demeaning bullshit like that. They ARE flushable, though, I use them all the time. Baby wipes truly are not flushable. I learned the difference the hard way.
16. bessie.viola | February 10th, 2009 at 9:31 am
No flushing on the wipes. I may, um, know another person? Who was pregnant before? And also used the wipes, but she never flushed them because she feared plumbing consequences. She just, um… took out the trash. A lot. Or so she said.
The Mystery/Doom room was probably for monitoring… I spent some time in there prior to my baby’s birth. It IS a doom room, for lo it is BORING in there.
I can’t believe you’re almost to the finish line!
17. Jess | February 10th, 2009 at 9:59 am
OMG giving birth IN THE HALL. Am now covered with a thin layer of stressed-out sweat.
18. Misty | February 10th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Oh, God. Jonna. Do NOT flush the baby wipes! If you can’t get newborn clothes, how the hell are you going to find a plumber?!?
19. Maggy | February 10th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I never, ever flush the wipes, even the “flushable” ones. My MIL always said, “Oh, go ahead, those are flushable wipes.” The awful backup and the plumber’s bill have since changed her mind. I keep the diaper pail in the bathroom and just throw any wipes in there, no matter whose tushie they’ve been wiping.
20. heels | February 10th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I packed a big t-shirt to wear in the labor (not birthing) tub, but when it came time to climb in and the nurse asked me if I wanted to wear it, I think I said something along the lines of “fuck it,” stripped off everything, and climbed in. I seriously didn’t care who of the teeming masses saw any part of my business as long as they could make it be over and give me my damn baby already.
21. 3carnations | February 10th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I would not flush a baby wipe.
Also, my son never wore a newborn size. He only wore 0-3 months for about 10 weeks.
22. norm | February 10th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Yep. Don’t flush the wipes. *waves plumber bill*
Also with our first kid the hospital pulled the bait-and-switch on us. Tour included the beautiful, comfy, soothing, high-tech birthing room. Actual experience was the entirely tiled, kleig-lighted, freezing, metal stool for the partner, disused proctology exam room.
23. Penny | February 10th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Crap, I’m a baby wipe flusher as well. For, uh, the occasional toilet-trained toddler and grown up person need. No problems…yet. But now I’m paranoid.
24. Kristin H | February 10th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
My god, there should be a gag order for all hospital staff on that hallway thing. They should just keep that info to themselves and leave that particular worry off expectant mothers’ minds.
While it’s true that most newborns outgrow those tiny sizes pretty fast, you are smart to be prepared because lots of babies DO need them. And then what else would you dress her in for her first two or three weeks? Organically made hemp sacks? It’s March in VT for pete’s sake!
I would say don’t get me started on baby wipes, and I realize your comments section isn’t the most appropriate place for an open letter to the baby wipes people, but I have to get this off my chest in case they are reading: Dear Baby Wipes People: While your strategy of making the wipes stick together so that I have to pull out big wads at a time might make some people just buy more of your product, it only infuriates me and causes me to switch to another brand. We are not as dumb as we look. Pls. change strategy.
25. Hollylynne | February 10th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Wow. OK. No flushing baby wipes. Got it.
Although, agreed, wouldn’t you think something meant to wipe, uh, excrement should in general be flushable?!
26. TwoBusy | February 10th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Wait… you’re pregnant? When did this happen?
27. clickmom | February 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Don’t worry about the breast pump since you should nurse exclusively for 6-8 weeks before introducing the bottle so as to establish a healthy supply. Pumps can (but don’t always) either under or over stimulate the breasts, so it’s best to hold off on using one as long as possible and let your body take it’s cues from your baby.
28. Amy K | February 10th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Wow, there’s a difference between baby wipes and regular Cottonelle/Scott/etc. flushable bathroom wipes? I’m so glad I read that here, or I would have ended up with an astronomical plumber bill the day we bring our baby home from the hospital. I’ve been chucking the regular ones into my 30-year-old septic system for years and never had a problem (knock on wood). After air conditioning and a few medical advances, those things might be my favorite invention of the last century.
The hallway birth has to be the absolute Worst Case Scenario for your hospital, and I bet they’ve done it, like, once in the last decade. You’ll get a normal room where your vagina will only by seen by dozens instead of hundreds.
29. Sadie | February 10th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Oh, is that what Jonna should do, Clickmom? Thank God you’re here!
30. Cobwebs | February 10th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Clickmom, everybody’s mileage may vary. I had to get a pump immediately after my son was born because my milk wasn’t coming in properly and the lactation consultant thought it might help. Saying that nobody needs a pump is an awfully broad statement.
31. Anonymous New York | February 10th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
I didn’t know that a newborn was different from 0-3 either. How can you get newer than 0? Actually, practically the only thing I knew about babies before the internet is that they didn’t come from the cabbage patch.
32. Danell | February 10th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Don’t you just wonder WHAT kind of mentality induces someone to tell a pregnant woman that there will be the possibility of BIRTHING IN THE HALLWAY? Even if there was a HUGE likelihood of that happening, wouldn’t you just keep it to yourself? I mean, at least the commenter above who ended up in the PROCTOLOGY ROOM (which…WTF? OMG) had the benefit of not having to WORRY ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND.
I know. It’s the same type of dipwad that tells someone pregnant for the first time, who has been forwarned that they may be carrying a large baby, that she was a FOURTEEN POUND BABY whose mother DIED IN CHILDBIRTH.
33. Lauren | February 10th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I actually used my pump a lot in the first 3 months, I would pump one side at night while the kidlet nursed from the other. I built up quite the milk stash that way.
Deep breaths, all will be well.
34. Megan | February 10th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Yeah…we have NO newborn clothes. None. I’m hoping that jinxes me into having a tiny baby, who I will GLADLY dress in something 0-3 to come home in. Then I can send all the overeager grandparents out to buy her tiny clothes, and leave us be for a while, haha.
I will pray you don’t get stuck in the Mystery Room…or the hallway. I can’t imagine, I think I’d leave and try another hospital. I’m sure that’s not an option way up there though, boo.
35. clickmom | February 10th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
OMG Sadie and Cobwebs- You have put on your boxing gloves! Yay internet rage! Let’s go to the world’s authority on breast feeding and see what they recommend! Here are LaLeche League’s pumping tips: http://www.llli.org/NB/NBNovDec95p176.html
The world authority on breast feeding says that a mother who is planning on returning to full time work 6 weeks after birth should begin pumping and storing milk at around 3 weeks. They also mention that a hospital grade pump is most efficient for most mothers and can usually be rented at a local lactation center.
Good luck with that Jonniker!! Just remember that the internet is full of people who would offer unconditional support without any research or personal experience on the chance of picking up a reader or two off of their comment. My advice is to seek out real life mothers that you admire and ask tons of questions.
Me? I breast fed three amazing, intelligent and compassionate human beings and I didn’t pump.
36. Sundry | February 10th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Ah, so the World Authority’s advice is different from Clickmom’s. Yes, it’s always good to have research available, isn’t it? Oh, and there’s the little matter of personal choice and individual circumstances, despite what the World Authorities might have to say.
Me? By necessity I bottle fed two amazing, intelligent human beings. And now they can fly and they have X-ray vision!
37. jonniker | February 10th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
OMG I go to a few appointments and a birthing class, and this is what happens. HA HA.
Seeing as I might not survive the epidural or my inevitable C-section as a result of selecting the epidural, the whole thing seems sort of moot anyway.
(I SHOULD NOT BE JOKING ABOUT SUCH THINGS. AND YET HERE I AM. OMG.)
38. mar | February 10th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
i think the fact that you’re joking is a good sign.
and sundry, if i ever have a bebe, can you tell me what kindof formula you used?
39. 3carnations | February 11th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Re: comment about not worrying about a pump – My son had his first bottle in the hospital, because he had taken off too much weight in the first couple of days. It’s not always feasible to breastfeed exclusively for those first several weeks, especially if your spouse is going to help with feedings. My son never had any issues with breastfeeding or bottle feeding, even in spite of having a bottle early. He also is a very intelligent, healthy little boy. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty if you use a bottle early on.
Goodness.
40. Jessica | February 11th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
My greatest fear when I was pregnant with bebe numeral uno, was that I would poop on the delivery room table. (Why does everyone call it a table? It was a bed. A funky bed with movable parts.) So. What I’m saying is, the giving birth in the hallway nonsense? Who cares if your vagina is on parade, let’s discuss public pooping. Because omygosh I would die.
41. MsPrufrock | February 14th, 2009 at 11:13 am
When I went on a tour of the Maternity Unit, one of the doors was open. We heard a woman screaming very loudly and a cadre of midwives bundling up very bloody sheets. It wasn’t really what I needed to see then, or really, ever.
They had a Mystery Room at my hospital too. They diagnosed my daughter with a heart murmur when she was one week old, told me it would heal itself, then lead me into THAT room. What made it worse was that it was sponsored by the Neonatal Death Society, or something equally grim. Then they were all – “she’s fine, she’s fine!”, Who does that??
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