Banking on a Myth
February 11th, 2009
Today on Twitter, the topic briefly turned to Real Life vs. People on the Internet. Now, I’m the first to admit that those lines blur all the time, and I TOTALLY believe that the friendships we make online are indeed very real (and in many cases, converge into Real Life In Person Shit), so please, when I say People on the Internet, I don’t mean you, or those situations, I mean the People on the Internet who get all up in your grill about not having children vs. having children or the great SAHM debate or Breastfeeding Wars or Birthing Wars or whatever.
I mean, I rarely have these debates in real life, truly I don’t. Yes, yes, I do OCCASIONALLY, but it’s very easy to dismiss the perpetrators, because who cares what a stranger thinks? NO ONE. Frankly, none of my real life friends would do anything but be kind and supportive to me no matter what I chose, so if the lady at the grocery store disagrees, do I honestly give a rip? I mean, I’ll rant about her for a few minutes and call it a day, but beyond that: meh. Grocery Store Lady smelled like mothballs anyway.
And yet, on the Internet, when one or two people play Grocery Store Judgy Mothball Lady, we get all worked up about it and it becomes a Thing and before you know it, we’re Tweeting our asses off about some jerkwad who told us we were wasting our lives by having children (or not) and not becoming the next Carly Fiorina (or for pursuing that avenue), when for all we know, the jerkwad in question could be sitting in a rubber room wearing polyester and eating spray cheese out of a can.
Interesting stuff, that.
Speaking of Carly Fiorina, I can’t help but wonder if she’d been as successful if she’d maintained her given name, Cara Sneed. It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?
Anyway. I can’t tell you how happy I am that Bravo maintains a near steady stream of Housewives for us to devour, particularly now, on the edge of a period of time when I will have a lot of time in front of the television with a newborn. I mean THANK GOD. I almost wished I hadn’t eaten up the Orange County edition so greedily, but I am BEYOND excited for New York, even if my girl Bethenny likes Vicki and Tamra and gleefully blogs about it (WTF, Bethenny?).
I believe that I am the only person who has any kind of soft spot for Gretchen and wants Tamra and Vicki to be HIT BY A BUS. I mean, I don’t want them dead or anything, I just want them to be scared into being something other than trashy nouveau riche, for the love of God.
In other thrilling gestational news, our final birthing class was last night, which was somewhat anti-climactic, as it focused on newborn care and things like swaddling (am master swaddler and diaperer now, not that it’s hard, plus I have Swaddle Mes and Miracle Blankets). What was apparently disturbing, however, is that I kept slamming the swaddled/diapered baby on the ground when I completed my task, which had Adam in hysterics, but look, I’m SORRY. It’s a PLASTIC BABY.
Also thrilling is the fact that my arm is ENTIRELY NUMB and in a not-insignificant amount of pain, thanks to extended pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel, so if I owe you an e-mail I am so sorry, and I am WOEFULLY BEHIND. Seriously, my whole arm goes all twitchy and loose — including my shoulder — thanks to joint-loosening relax-y type hormones, and I’m hoping it means that my pelvic bones are so limbered up that I will shoot this baby out of my nethers without drugs OR pain in five seconds flat.
Right?
Happy Thursday! (The Millionaire Matchmaker’s on tonight! Let us see what Playboy model and/or prostitute she matches with a fake millionaire this season!)
*Andrew Bird
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
27 Comments Add your own
1. Christine | February 11th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
You’re so cute. But I’m totally voting for your five second pain free miracle birth. Stranger things have happened.
And shamefully I had no idea who Cara/Carly is. No idea. Man, pop culture has missed me.
2. -R- | February 11th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Gretchen is ok. I HATE HATE HATE Tamra, and Vicki is really annoying and mean.
Like Christine, I don’t know who Cara/Carly is, but I think your name theory is probably true.
I can’t wait until you have the baby! I’m so excited for you!
3. jonniker | February 11th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Oops! Sorry — Carly Fiorina is the former CEO of HP and general corporate rockstar-turned-Republican economic adviser.
4. Elizabeth | February 11th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
When we took our breastfeeding class, I could not stop wacking the plastic babys head on the table. Mr. E was horrified and kept looking at me like he was certain I was going to be the worst parent ever. I just laughed.
And now that I think about it, that’s actually pretty indicative of our current parenting styles, oddly enough. Not that I wack my baby’s head on stuff, or anything, I’m just way less “OMG!” about the whole thing than my husband is. Interesting.
5. Kristi | February 12th, 2009 at 12:21 am
I really like Gretchen – but I also like Vicky for some strange unknown reason. Jeana is severely depressed and whiny and I hate Tamra! There you have it.
6. TwoBusy | February 12th, 2009 at 7:38 am
You say that as if spray cheese were a bad thing.
7. Raven | February 12th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Dude. Vicki and Tamra make me INSANE. You are so not alone out here. What are your thoughts on Jeana? The more she talks the more I think she is a wet blanket. She just wants to let everyone walk all over her.
I am interested to find out who this new addition is to the New York cast but I feel like there was already plenty of dramz without another one so what is the point?
8. Jamie | February 12th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Gretchen makes me severely stabby, but Patti Stanger? THAT IS ANOTHER STORY ALTOGETHER. I cannot wait (!!!) for the Millionaire Matchmaker to start up again.
9. NGS | February 12th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Swaddling looks deadly to me. I know babies like it and all, but I just imagine if someone stuffed me inside a miracle blanket, I’d be all screaming my lungs out. Let me out of here!! I need to breathe!!
This Housewife thing is a mystery to me. We do not have cable. Are they as bad as all that?
10. Anonymous New York | February 12th, 2009 at 11:37 am
I’m with TwoBusy. Squirty cheese is a delicacy.
I like Bethenny for pure eyebrow raising, head scratching enjoyment, and the Countess because if she thinks she’s so CLASSY why would she be on REALITY TV? I only watch RHW of NY, so I don’t know the other ladies. (I use that term loosely).
11. Alyce | February 12th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Gretchen is a dreadful hobag. I seriously enjoy watching her, but feel sooooo sorry for Jeff, may he rest in peace. What plagues me is why he agreed to be on the show to begin with. Did they ever have a relationship, or was he hoping for one and so caved in to this ruse on national TV?
A quick google of her name and you’ll read all kinds of trash about who she was really dating during the filming and the cheating she did on previous husband and speculation about how Slate (!!!) got her onto the show and that the rest of the storyline was 20% real 80% fiction.
Some of the other housewives have said nasty things about her. My favorite was Jeana saying she would be better suited to scripted television. Ha!
Also, what is airing now took place last summer, so there’s been months of real life dramz for teh intarwebs to discuss.
12. Sarah | February 12th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
I read this whole post and a couple other ones last night, but you wouldn’t know it because all I’ve been able to think about is CARA SNEED?! REALLY?!
Yeah, it just doesn’t have the same Mmph.
13. clickmom | February 12th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
I had my first back in the day when you had to figure out how to program your vcr to record shows. Reality tv was in it’s infancy too. I thrilled over Real World marathons.
14. Gaby | February 13th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Oh, the Housewives…they draw me in everytime. But only the O.C. ones; NY just doesn’t appeal.
But, the Millionaire Matchmaker? HATE. The matchmaker, I don’t know her name and don’t feel like looking, just turns me off in a big way. Some of that may be due to the one episode I saw where there was some sort of cattle call for new girls, and the matchmaker insisted that these women straighten their hair. Look, I’ll admit, I have naturally curly hair, so I took it personally, but seriously? Every rich dude wants straight haired ladies? EVERY ONE? Psh. I call bullshit. I think the matchmaker just said that because she has straight hair. And I’m sorry, but I find her a bit hideous looking. I don’t know if she could attract some of the men she’s working for, just saying.
So, yeah, I hate the show because of her views on hair. It’s an irrational show, I can have an irrational reaction to it.
15. Korinna | February 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I think the last name “Sneed” sounds like someone who is does nefarious business-dealings. This not unlike how she’s been portrayed (at least in my husband’s boring WSJ and Business Week magazines).
Also, I kind of like Gretchen. I think she’s all “eff-you, old OC Housewives!” which I like because, personally, I’ve found myself wanting to put a foot in Vicky and Tamra’s necks a million times while watching them. Could they BE any bitchier?
The answer is: probably. Which is why I (heart) Housewives.
16. Diana | February 13th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I totally agree with your assessment of Tamra and Vicki. Rather than have them hit by a bus though I like to think of them contracting a treatment resistant yeast infection. How mean and catty can you be with your girl parts on fire?
On the other hand, the show wouldn’t be near as fun to watch without them.
17. Page | February 14th, 2009 at 4:16 am
I was laughing out loud and snorting at the slamming the “baby” on the floor. I could totally see doing that. Like, “BAM! How do you like me now, biznaches??”
You are gonna be the best mom, hands down. And I hope that little lady makes good time (and astounding pain free all-time records) getting out of you. That carpal tunnel has to mean something good!
18. KT | February 15th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Yeah, even though Gretchen really is all about attention, I do feel bad for her. Her fiance died right after they finished filming last summer so who knows if she will be back next year. Plus I don’t know why Tamra made fun of Gretchen and the other lady dancing in Vegas…..during her first season they showed her booty dancing with her husband.
19. Swistle | February 16th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
I have been thinking, and I THINK I have hit upon the reason why internet opinions are more upsetting than Grocery Store Clerk opinions. Ready? This is exciting, isn’t it? Okay, here it is: for ME, anyway, it’s because I always wonder if “Grocery Store Clerk” Is someone in disguise—someone I think of as an internet FRIEND, who is going undercover to say mean, hurtful things to me. Whereas in non-internet life, I can see for sure that it’s just the grocery store clerk.
20. Swistle | February 16th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
OMG, am I the ONLY ONE talking about that subject instead of about Gretchen and plastic-baby-thudding? Now I feel kind of dumb, like I said a non sequitur into a conversations.
21. Kristabella | February 17th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
No, I like Gretchen. She’s my favorite housewife. I feel bad for her. And I would like to punch Vicky in the mouth. Repeatedly.
I’ve never watched the NYC Housewives, but I plan on tuning in and catching up quickly!
22. Sam | February 17th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Okay, I can’t believe I’m commenting on the Real Housewives, but OH MY GOD! I do like Gretchen okay and felt bad for her always getting picked on. What about the new girl, Lynne? They (the old school Housewives) are SO MEAN to her. Of course, she seems like a clueless mom, but she’s not so bad.
Now I must go read up on Gretchen. Maybe I don’t want to know the truth!?
23. Rae Ann | February 28th, 2009 at 1:25 am
“I’m hoping it means that my pelvic bones are so limbered up that I will shoot this baby out of my nethers without drugs OR pain in five seconds flat.” Bwah, ha, ha, ha!
Good luck with that! (And I totally mean that in a non-sarcastic, non-snarky way. I really do hope your baby just falls out of your loosened up dainties!) My second birth was pretty much that way. 6 contractions and he was out!
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