The Underdog
February 15th, 2009
My building is RIFE with passive aggressive notes, and frankly, as Adam and others have suggested, I’m going to start photographing them and placing them on Passive Aggressive Notes, because this shit is RIDICULOUS. At first, it was mildly amusing, but my friends, we have crossed A Line. Ladies and gentlemen, there have been five, count ‘em, FIVE notes in less than three days’ time, left at various places throughout the building, for various transgressions.
It started with dog poop. Now, I’m the first to admit that leaving dog poop in public areas is absolutely disgusting, and further, if you have a dog, you know that nothing is a more appealing snack for a poop-eater than days-old dog poop and really, there are a lot of other things I’d rather do than scrape another dog’s feces out of my dog’s chomping maw. Plus, not to pull out my inner environmentalist, but leaving dog poop on the ground is a leading cause of groundwater pollution. I know. I’m sorry, but it’s true.
So while I appreciated the first note that gently suggested that we should all be better about cleaning up after our dogs, I did not appreciate the obvious assumption by some that it was me, as I’m the newest resident with a dog, and apparently they haven’t had any problems before. Every SINGLE time I’m out with Sunny, I catch a neighbor watching me, waiting to see if I’ll pull the bag out of my pocket, WHICH I ALWAYS DO OH MY GOD. I ALWAYS HAVE A BAG STOP LOOKING AT ME.
I have lived in condo associations before, and let me tell you, it only takes ONE STRAY POOP for a bunch of groupthinkers to think it’s okay to leave it. ONE. So dear neighbors: kindly fuck off, as it’s not me. Maybe you should consider whether it’s the same people who let their dogs PEE on the FRONT LIGHTS, tingeing them YELLOW, like an icky Batman symbol of public urination. Oh and P.S., those people are obviously those with boy dogs, which I do not have. Girl dogs don’t lift their legs. Thanks much.
But! It doesn’t stop there! Next up: the rogue parker! A car in our garage had a note on the windshield that read, shit you not:
Dear Corolla Owner:
I see you are enjoying our extra parking space! Lucky for you, as we don’t need it until we move here full-time this summer, but that doesn’t mean it’s free. If you’d like to rent it at a monthly fee, call us at XXX-XXXX, otherwise, move your car now.
- Your neighbors in unit XXX
And YET. IT DOES NOT END THERE! There is the SECOND dog poop note, saying that we can’t let our dogs poop on the front lawn, and that they voted on this TWO APRILS AGO and that we should all research the minutes for details! (Oh yes, please, because I totally have ALL THE MINUTES ON FILE.) And that she’ll clean it up THIS TIME, but only because she almost stepped in it! And better? SHE LEFT THE BAG OF POOP ON THE FRONT STEPS TO PUNCTUATE THE NOTE. Thank you very, very much, old lady, for cleaning up the poop, but it really doesn’t count if you just LEAVE IT THERE.
There was also a less exciting one about the hallway heat, and another about the new mats in the front hallway and making sure we WIPE OUR FEET from all the SALT to keep the FLOORS CLEAN because SOME PEOPLE DON’T OH JESUS, but the real piece de resistance was the package note, left on a delivery from the Land of Nod to the neighbors upstairs. Yes, yes, it had been there for a few days, but it was HEAVY and her HUSBAND WAS OUT OF TOWN and it wasn’t HURTING ANYONE MY GOD. However, the resident note-leaver could not let it lie there, and left a neon green note on it announcing:
This has been here for a while. Any idea who it belongs to?
Um, are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT BELONGS TO THE PERSON WHOSE NAME AND ADDRESS IS ON THE FRONT OF THE BOX NEXT TO YOUR NOTE. IT SAYS MOLLY XX, UNIT 405. PERHAPS YOU COULD POLITELY GO UPSTAIRS AND SEE IF MOLLY NEEDS ANY HELP INSTEAD OF BEING A DOUCHEBAG. BECAUSE IT IS A VERY HEAVY PACKAGE AND SHE’S PROBABLY ALONE WITH AN INFANT.
(This, by the way, was my plan, but by the time I went up there, the package was gone. Poor Molly had probably been shamed into strapping it to her back with bungee cords, like a wee beast of burden.)
I’m going to start photographing them, so help me lord. And then I’m totally leaving a passive aggressive note saying that I’m posting them all on Passive Aggressive Notes, because I cannot be alone in my frustration about the never-ending stream of NOTES and what better way to demonstrate, in the most ironically passive aggressive way possible, that NOTES ARE RIDICULOUS. (Um, is that okay, neighbors who read this? Ha ha?)
Well. Thank you for letting me vent. Hopefully you’re off tomorrow for President’s Day, but if not, I’m very sorry. I’ll be here with my loose joints and freakishly pushy baby trying to break her way out the front instead of the regular way, in addition to fighting off the FIFTH COLD OF PREGNANCY, O HELP ME GOD.
I’m thinking about leaving a note asking my neighbors to wash their damn hands and stop leaving germs where other people can innocently pick them up. Oh, and could they please wipe down the mailboxes after they check their mail? KTHANX.
P.S. I have never felt so grossly pregnant as when I can hear stomach gurgly noises fully underneath my boob, because that’s where my stomach has been pushed to. It’s ALL THE WAY UNDER MY LEFT BOOB. Next to my heart. My God.
Happy Monday!
*Spoon
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
39 Comments Add your own
1. Sarah | February 15th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Maybe you should just start collecting the notes, then tape them together and add a note of your own to the top that asks who they belong to and recommends a local therapist.
I’m pretty sure that still places you higher up on the maturity ladder than whoever left a note about poor Molly’s package.
2. Amanda | February 15th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Dog poop problems always grow exponentially. One person leaves a turd and then everyone else thinks, “well if THEY didn’t clean up the shit, why should I!?!?” Long ago, I taught my pooch to poop in the bushes: no clean up required.
3rd trimester colds are the WORST. I have a vivid memory of having a terrible cough for a couple weeks when I was pregnant with my first and BADLY needing to go to the bathroom. We’d gone our to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and then I had to trudge my huge gangly pregnant ass across the mall. I made it ALL THE WAY to the door of the Macy’s bathroom before I sneezed… and pissed myself. COMPLETELY. We’re talking FULL BLADDER EXPLOSION all the way down my legs and into my shoes leaving an embarrassing puddle on the floor. Thankfully I was wearing a skirt, but I remember shoving my underpants into the tiny metal trash can in the bathroom.
GOOD TIMES. But like everything else pregnancy-related, this too shall pass. And then you’ll look back and laugh!
3. Kerri Anne | February 15th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
We have a pair of passive aggressive neighbors and oh, the notes, they are plentiful. Not as awesome (and vexing) as the ones you have seen, though. Leaving a note on a piece of mail? That is beyond ridiculous.
4. Michelle | February 15th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
LOL! I feel your pain. I also live in a complex and we have the same issues. In addition to our continual fire alarm tests… MONTHLY fire alarm tests… PLUS a yearly one that last 4 DAYS with nonstop alarms going off at 2-5 minute intervals (for 2 minutes at a time). I’m about to go postal. Try putting a toddler down for a nap during one of those. She looks up at the ceiling (the speaker) and is scared!
Ugh.
Sometimes I really hate living in a condo complex. Don’t even get me started on the poop…
It is good to vent though…
5. Kristi | February 15th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
“dear neighbors: kindly fuck off, as it’s not me”
That right there is perfect text for a tshirt – words written largely across your belly – the next time you take Sunny out to do her business. Ooh, you could even add a little graphic of a tacked-up note. Tre chic.
Or wait, I know what would be a fun little amusement to keep you occupied until baby day – start taking everyone’s notes down and tossing them! Then just sit back, and enjoy the fallout. Fun times!
6. slynnro | February 16th, 2009 at 12:46 am
I too live in the land of the passive aggressive note. But I also live in the land of disgusting neighbors. I’m not sure which party my sympathies lie with.
7. Suebob | February 16th, 2009 at 12:50 am
I have been the passive-aggressive note person myself lately. I share trash & recycling cans with my front-house neighbors and the new girl up there simply can’t get the cans straight, even though one says “Trash” stamped into the green plastic and the other says “Recycling” stamped into the blue plastic.
After fishing trash bags and loose trash out of the recycling bin about 5 times, I wrote in big fat marker “TRASH” on the top of the trash bin and “RECYCLING ONLY” on the blue bin. Did it do any good? No,
So I wrote a signed note and made a copy of the list of what goes where (with helpful cartoons for the non-readers among us) and put it in their mailbox. Did that help? Oh, no. I fished the latest bag of trash out of the recycling and had a conversation with the girl’s BF.
Still, yesterday – trash in the recycling. Is she doing it just to be a shit, or does she think cat litter is recycling? The saga continues.
8. Ms. Molly | February 16th, 2009 at 1:04 am
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, and had to finally comment. We live in a fairly new, huge condo complex. and yes the people are ridiculous. Sometimes my husband might be the passive agressive note leaver. i’m a little embaressed to admit that. But you totally made me laugh and then read your post out loud to said husband. gracias.
9. serror | February 16th, 2009 at 2:17 am
Oh, man… The passive agressive note! ARGGH! So evil. I had one on my car a few weeks ago that read “Move your car! You can’t leave it here for four days at a time!” Well, hate to break it to ya nosy neighbor, but that car had been moved at least once a day, if not twice, as I had been driving to work everyone of those days! Another all time favorite was the same note leaver I believe… “If you moved your car up there would be room for four cars instead of three! Try to be considerate!” And umm, no there isn’t room for 3 cars, because contrary to popular belief it is not legal for me to park in front of that fire hydrant that I was instructed to pull up farther for fitting in that tricky 4th car. Oddly enough it is a slightly busy business district with lots of cars that come and go, not a place that is easy to keep tabs on cars.
I totally agree that you should just start taking the notes down and throwing them away. Hee! talk about passive agressive! LOVE it!
I did finally pick up a damn tootsie roll wrapper in the hallway today that had been there for near on a month. (I do not live in classy condo building, the vacuum the halls but twice a year)
10. Korinna | February 16th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I remember coming across an illustration in one of my pregnancy books that showed a side-view of a pregnant woman at 8 months. It is RIDICULOUS where all the guts end up.
Hello! Bladder-size-of-pancake smashed under baby.
Nice to see you there! Stomach and intestines practically in my throat!
11. jonniker | February 16th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Oh, you guys, I just CANNOT GET BEHIND the note-leaving! I can’t! I realize there are problems (I don’t like dog shit either!) but dude, leaving a note on the MAIL? And making the WHOLE BUILDING feel crappy, when it’s probably a select few?
No can do. Besides, they don’t work. Frankly, the notes make me want to leave my dog’s poop, when I NEVER would have done so before. (And still won’t. But don’t think I’m not tempted!)
12. H | February 16th, 2009 at 10:26 am
While I agree with you and I wouldn’t want to have to deal with those people, this is a very funny post. I’m sorry you have to deal with the nutjobs. Thank you for a Monday morning chuckle!
13. R | February 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am
From inside the building—–
I never see all these notes, just the 2, wipe you feet and mind the heat! We are all 5 years old and need to be reminded of these things. Plus the note leaver told me about them and claimed them with pride! Leave a note about dog barking that will get them! Their dog barks a lot where i am and it drives me crazy. As for the parking spot LMAO!!! i wish i saw it; i wish it was my Toyota! And Poor Molly I would have brought it up if i had seen the note but i am oblivious
BTW i should tell you what i found about the floors, those matts do nothing to help!
14. kirida | February 16th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I’m sorry you have to deal with people who are trigger-happy with their passive aggressive notes. I would totally point them to passiveagressivenotes.com. It’s like the person said, “I”ll show HER! I’ll write a note!” Utterly childish. But please please please post the notes you see here, too. I can’t wait.
15. AndreAnna | February 16th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I love Passive Aggressive Notes. LOVE.
Mostly, because I’m the kind of person who would write exactly what you were thinking of writing for Molly. That, or I’d figure out who wrote them, and make them feel like a tool for not having the gonads to deal with the problem.
Last year in my office, we had a small microwave station by one of the refrigerators. This was convenient for heating up water for tea/oatmeal or your lunch if you brought it, rather than walking the three buildings over to the cafeteria. One day, someone burned popcorn and set the fire alarms off. So the next day there was a laminated note (LAMINATED) saying “If you cannot stand by for the 2 minutes it takes to pop your popcorn, please pop it elsewhere” THEN two weeks later it happened AGAIN and the whole building was evacuated. Facilities removed the microwaves and in their place was another LAMINATED note saying, “Thanks for being as mature as my 12-year old son who is unable to cook hot pockets without setting them on fire. I now have to walk to the cafeteria every morning for my tea on a bad knee.”
IT WAS AWESOME.
I suppose they were more aggressive/aggressive rather than passive/aggressive but it was the laminated that killed me.
BTW, I peed on Spoon’s tour bus. Well, not ON it. IN it.
16. jonniker | February 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
R: The person who left the note for Molly was DEFINITELY the same person as the mats/dog poop. (Dog poop note, PS, is downstairs near the elevators in the garage lobby. Second dog poop note left near mailboxes and it was Nan. Which: HAHAHAHAHA, oh God.)
17. Mauigirl | February 16th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I totally agree you should leave the passive-aggressive note saying you’re gong to post them all.
I had the same experience with several neighbors when we first had our previous dog. Now mind you, I always picked up after our dog (and still do for the one we have now), and on top of that I never let my dog off the leash. Several neighbors would see me walking our dog and yell out the window or door “I hope you’re going to pick up after her, are you the one who has been leaving dog crap on my lawn?” I would hold up my bag of poop as proof. Finally I just snapped one day. You see, there are people in my neighborhood (especially back then) who let their dogs run LOOSE. One neighbor yelled at me out of their window, and I did my usual “It’s not me” gesture with the bag and then we moved on.
Then I thought about it. I turned around, came back, rang their doorbell, and confronted them. I told them I was one of their RESPONSIBLE neighbors and that I never let her off the leash and always clean up after her, etc. etc. They were kind of dumbfounded and I didn’t get yelled at again. I think they were a little worried since my dog was part pit bull!
18. Joceline | February 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
We also live in a condo with an HOA, as well as a ton of retired people with too much time on their hands. There was a note THE DAY AFTER the election reminding people that election day was the deadline for taking down campaign signs. Are you kidding me?
I must admit to having left notes before, but these notes were just straight up aggressive, and were directed at people who were REPEATEDLY using my one covered parking spot. I live in Arizona, it was summertime, and that cover over the spot makes a difference of 20 degrees in the car when you get in it. I was also pregnant and cranky.
19. Kristin H | February 16th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I always wanted to see a picture of what your internal organs look like when 9 months pregnant. It’s really amazing to think that your body can make room for another entire person. I think all the people who tell you you’ll never sleep again fail to take into account the loveliness of having your body back to yourself, with all organs in their originally assigned places. I actually slept better AFTER the baby was born. No lie.
20. Carolyn J. | February 16th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Female dogs don’t lift their legs?? I did not know this. I am a cat person. Thanks for teaching me something today!
21. jonniker | February 16th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Carolyn: Nope. I hear there is the rare dog who does, but most of them squat like little gymnasts, kind of like they’re sitting, but … well, not sitting, clearly. It’s a major perk of a girl dog.
22. Zandor | February 16th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I love that website. You should definately take pictures and send them there..
23. La Petite Chic | February 16th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I love Sarah’s suggestion! That sounds like a wonderful group of people you live near. Good lord, don’t they have anything better to do?
P.S. For Caroyln: My dog, Lola, is ultra prissy in all ways except for the way she pees. She lifts her one leg up and even props it on the tree if one happens to be near
24. Melospiza | February 16th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I’m a fantasy passive/aggressive note leaver. That is, I’d be far too mortified to ever actually leave a note (plus it gives me karma problems), but I spend lavish hours mentally detailing EXACTLY how I’m going to phrase the letter I’m going to send to the people who wall off their corner of a busy intersection with a steel berm, then post a note telling pedestrians they can’t trespass. Or Republican political-sign posters who don’t shovel their walks (I think this one is because I associate the Republican party, possibly unfairly, with being the party of needing to tell people how to run their lives. Want to tell me what birth control I can use and when? Well, TRY CLEANING THE SNOW OFF OF YOUR FUCKING SIDEWALK, THEN.)
Anyhow. So I’m totally rooting for you to leave a note for the note leavers. (DO IT DO IT DO IT–the best part is, you can always blame it later on pregnancy hormones. Uh, not that I’ve ever done anything like that.)
25. Amy K | February 16th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
At my apartment during grad school, I received a note from management asking me to remove the hummingbird feeder from my balcony because other residents had expressed concern about hummingbird poop falling onto the lawn. HUMMINGBIRD POOP. Since I only had one set of downstairs neighbors, I felt pretty confident that I knew who had made the complaint. It was the same neighbors who had wall-banging, screaming, moaning, “Give it to me, baby!” early morning sex directly below my bedroom several times per week. I was irritated about having to remove the feeder, but I totally lost my inhibitions about stomping downstairs and knocking on their door whenever they woke me up. That ridiculous complaint about microscopic hummingbird poop might have ruined their sex life.
26. HollyLynne | February 16th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Oh I have SO wanted to leave passive aggressive notes in our condo complex, but have refrained (barely) so far.
The big transgressor lately is the guy across the hall from us who drags his trash out instead of carrying it. As in LEAVES TRAILS OF GOD KNOWS WHAT staining our walkway. As in seriously, past all hope of repair stained and the walkway needs to be re-tiled someday. Preferably after he moves out. Of course we all know whose fault that will be since there is a TRAIL OF FILTH COMING FROM HIS FRONT DOOR.
Dick.
27. nonsoccermom | February 16th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
I know that I’ve had plenty of experience with passive-aggressive notes myself but am laughing too hard at this post and the subsequent comments to remember any of them. AWESOME.
28. Sarah | February 16th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
If you can’t get behind leaving a note yourself, maybe an alternate solution would be to just start mailing them in. And then leave a post-it with the URL somewhere highly visible. I mean, that’s not technically a note, is it?
29. mar | February 17th, 2009 at 12:08 am
i don’t know if i could handle a jonniker/passive-aggressive notes crossover! i might die from the combined hilarity.
i’m amongst the group that the thinks too hard about the phrasing & never ends up posting my passive-aggressive notes. like the people who park in my reserved space (just because s has my car at his place most of the time doesn’t mean that i want to use my parking space when i have the car!) or the 3 different neighbors who i want to call cops on for domestic disturbances. *sigh*
30. mar | February 17th, 2009 at 12:09 am
ps~with regards to your twitter: i have no qualms of proclaiming my air supply love. i finally found my greatest hits (with the colored pencil looking cover) in my crawlspace this weekend!
31. Beth | February 17th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I very briefly considered writing a note at 2:00 a.m. today when my neighbors’ TV had been resonating all along our shared wall for the past three hours. However, I ultimately decided to put a coat on and go knock on their door to talk to them in person. They’re like dogs. You gotta catch ‘em on the act.
32. Jordyn | February 17th, 2009 at 1:46 am
Oh wow. Impressive notes.
I really love/hate the parking space one. I like how the people aren’t even really living there but they just CAN’T LET ANYONE take that space. I hate people like that. Once I parked my car at my friend’s apartment complex for a few hours (because, you know, I WAS HANGING OUT WITH HER) and when I got out of my car there was some creepy dude watching me to make sure I wasn’t using up one of his spaces.
Gah!
33. Jess | February 17th, 2009 at 10:00 am
It’s a sad state of affairs when the only person helping the mom who’s alone with the infant carry the heavy package is the wildly pregnant neighbor. Seriously.
34. Kristabella | February 17th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
That is ridiculously awesome!
And also scary since I’m moving into a condo in March and do not want douchey neighbors! Or minutes from meetings!
35. Anonymous New York | February 17th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Wee beast of burden. HA!
I find the dog poo problem to be the worst in the winter. The snow melts and it looks like the circus has been through the area. Poo everywhere! Snow only hides it temporarily, people!
36. Dana | February 18th, 2009 at 12:13 am
PLEASE take pictures. You should leave competing notes next to the originals using bigger paper. Though, they would probably make a note about that.
OK, so someone left a *business card* on my husband’s car a couple of months ago that read, in caps “IF YOU F**K LIKE YOU PARK YOU’LL NEVER GET LAID.” It was obviously a dude but I’m all, business cards? Really? You know he was sooo excited to spot an opportunity to use one. I bet he beats animals. Sounds like an animal beater.
37. Page | February 18th, 2009 at 12:13 am
I second what Jess said. And I love the tee shirt idea. Take that, notemongers!!!!!!!
My old boss used to leave those notes. It made me mad as there were only two of us. I got bored with the note-posting and finally started saving them, then picked an especially annoying day and wallpapered her door in them.
She got the hint.
38. Leah | February 18th, 2009 at 12:52 am
I have never had stomach noises the way I had stomach noises in the 72 hours after birth. It must have been all the organs shifting back into their original places or something, but holy Moses, everytime I breastfed the kid and my uterus did it’s little crampy dance, the noises from my midsection could be heard down the hall. So…um, watch out for that.
39. Leah | February 18th, 2009 at 12:53 am
p.s. I have never heard anyone else talk about this, so maybe it’s just me? If it happens to you, though, let me know, okay?, so I won’t feel so alone.
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