Friday, I’m in Love
February 18th, 2009
My aunt is a graphic designer-slash-promotional material maker-type person, and one of the side benefits to the screen-printing portion is that my family gets every blasted runoff mailed to us in a big-ass package once or twice a year. As a result, I have an ungodly amount of day-of-the-week T-shirts in a size meant for only the largest among us. I used to wear them to the gym and now, I typically wear them to bed, as they are among the few left that sort of cover my belly. I’ve yet to wear them on the proper day — to do so would, at this point, seem weird and a little contrived, because why start now? And besides, Saturday’s shirt is never clean on a Saturday anyway.
However, I included one in the hospital bag, as it’s a comfortable pajama-type thing that I don’t mind getting gross, should there be grossness (and I am promised that there will be grossness). Thursday, I think. I can’t help but wonder in an odd sort of way if this is maybe portentous, in a vaguely ironic sort of way. I shall now look at every Thursday with an eye of deep suspicion. I’m onto you, Thursday.
I like Friday better than Thursday, however. Or, you know, Saturday, so that Adam’s paternity leave can be a wee bit longer. Or whenever. I’m cool with whenever. Provided it is more than a week from now, because …
Yesterday I came down with a mild case of The Herp — by which I mean cold sores — which is distressing for many reasons, but mostly that if I were to go into labor right now, there could be no baby smooching AT ALL which is, not to be dramatic, pretty devastating. There would also be an inordinate amount of hand-washing and panic about where my lips might be and did I touch my lips during all that grunting and panicking? Am I going to kill her with herpes not five minutes after she’s arrived? WHY, HERP, WHY?
I’ve been self-medicating with Abreva, as per usual, which seems to be helping, and I mentioned this during my now-weekly appointment at the OB’s office to a stand-in non-practicing midwife who I will never see again (they were down a doc/midwife due to many babies arriving today) (yay, babies!). My God, she was HORRIFIED, and the first words out of her mouth were, “Okay, you know that’s herpes, right? And do you get them … anywhere else?”
Seriously. First of all, while the two types of herpes are generally the same virus (HSV1 & 2 classifications notwithstanding), not everyone with one has the other. In fact, MOST people with one don’t have the other. And secondly, seriously? Do you think I’d get THIS FAR in my pregnancy, much less LIFE, without knowing I had genital herpes? And wouldn’t make some kind of CONTINGENCY PLAN in case of an outbreak?
I … oh heavens. I’m not sure if it speaks to her mistaken assumption of my ignorance or to that of the general population who would just blithely walk around with painful, itchy open sores on their hoo-has and not think it’s something worth mentioning to the doctor, especially given that someone’s HEAD will be EXITING PAST THAT REGION very soon. Especially a very wee someone with a paper-thin immune system.
She then took my hand and gently advised me against oral sex “during this time.” Again, oh good heavens, what KIND of women does this person work with? So many things wrong with the visual she brings forth, but again, it involves open sores lurching towards private parts, a lack of common sense, and for the love of God no, just no, and again, I question the intelligence of someone who wouldn’t realize this.
This also makes me laugh until I can’t breathe when you consider that I lumber around here like Roseanne Barr and have begun to resemble an elephant. And an elephant with open sores wearing a T-shirt that screams “MONDAY” in giant fake newsprint font on a Wednesday, no less. (No really, I’m wearing one now.) In other words: HOT.
(Aside: don’t Google “cold sores and newborns” because you’ll be regaled with a British couple whose baby DIED because of a cold sore on the mom and … well. Nothing like Dr. Google to add to the panic of an already-panicked time. However, let it be known that it is VERY RARE, and hers was a primary infection — her first — not a secondary one, and long-term Herp sufferers of all kinds pass antibodies to our wee ones through the bloodstream into the placenta, so they are protected to some degree already. And herein ends our herpes medical lesson for the day.)
(This does not mean, however, that I’m not calling an actual doctor tomorrow to see if I can snag some Valtrex, because honestly: BABY KISSING. And DEATH. And … oh MAN.)
She also kept referring to her now-defunct practice as “midwifery,” pronounced “midwhiffery,” which I know, I KNOW, is the right way to say it, but it always makes me think of people taking very deep breaths — whiffs, if you will — of another person’s midsection, perhaps while they’re giving birth. MIDWHIFFERY. It sounds stinky.
MIDWHIFFERY.
Am catching up on e-mail now that my arm is semi-functioning by the way. So if you’re waiting for one from me, feel free to rejoice, as tomorrow is your day. I’m so sure you can hardly wait. Huzzah!
Happy Wednesday!
*The Cure
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
24 Comments Add your own
1. Amanda | February 18th, 2009 at 12:40 am
The week before my due date with Alex, Dave got the flu. The JUST-GOT-HIT-BY-A-BUS flu where you can’t breathe or eat or sleep or do anything but lay in a pool of your own filth for ten days. I took him to the doctor, all 39.5 weeks of my giant pregnant ass and she took one look at me, stood up and DRAGGED me over to the sink where she poured anti-bacterial soap all over my hands, turned on the hot water and then INSISTED I needed to move into a hotel room. Like YESTERDAY. I spent four days at my parents house seriously freaked out that he wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the birth of his first child.
Alex didn’t come out until more than two weeks later and this is my way of saying: it’ll all work out. You’re still WAY early and I’m sure the cold sore will clear up with plenty of time left for you to smother your baby with smooches when she arrives. (I psyched myself up to go AT LEAST two weeks past my due date so I wouldn’t be so upset when I had to wait. It did help!)
2. Sal's Girl | February 18th, 2009 at 1:29 am
I used to get terrible cold sores all the time until I started eating yogurt (the ones with live bacteria.) Haven’t had one since! Just a helpful hint.
3. Nothing But Bonfires | February 18th, 2009 at 2:00 am
Screw the days of the week t-shirts, I want a t-shirt that says MIDWHIFFERY in giant fake newsprint font.
4. Hillary | February 18th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Midwhiffery? How did you not laugh out loud at her? I do not think I could have contained myself.
5. Sadie | February 18th, 2009 at 8:25 am
“I lumber around here like Roseanne Barr and have begun to resemble an elephant. And an elephant with open sores wearing a T-shirt that screams “MONDAY” in giant fake newsprint font on a Wednesday, no less. (No really, I’m wearing one now.) In other words: HOT.” Well after reading that, *I* totally want a blow job.
I wish that midwife also called herself a “midwhiff.” Maybe she does?!
6. Korinna | February 18th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Note to self…if Dr. Google strikes the fear in you, NEVER use Google Images to, say, you know; self-diagnose a spider bite.
I still can’t get some of the spider bite pictures out of my head.
(Shudder.)
And “midwhiffery”? For real? I would have snort laughed in my head.
7. TwoBusy | February 18th, 2009 at 8:43 am
All I can think when reading that “HOT” paragraph is… well… do you remember the part of “Singles” with Xavier McDaniel?
I think you just improved on it.
8. slynnro | February 18th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Apparently Polish people get cold sores more commonly than your average person, and I was basically the only non-Polish person in my rinky dink town. There was actually a time I felt left out for NOT getting cold sores. NO REALLY.
9. jonniker | February 18th, 2009 at 9:25 am
SG: Thanks. Unfortunately I am a yogurt-eating machine and it does nothing — I get them three or four times a year, usually when my immune system is down or when I have PMS. And hooray! Not only is your immune system down when you’re pregnant, but it’s basically a permanent state of PMS. Oh man.
10. Emily | February 18th, 2009 at 9:27 am
I absolutely cannot wait for you to have this baby. The content is going to be so unbelievably fantastic, Jonna. Your take on everything amuses me to no end. How much longer do you have until your due date?
11. Shelly | February 18th, 2009 at 10:57 am
NO BABY KISSING???!!!! Listen, that is unthinkable. You must do everything you can not to have that baby until after your cold sore is better. Because I don’t think there’s a mother strong enough to resist the urge to kiss her newborn.
And the midwhiff who assumed that everyone who gets cold sores gets them other places? Just wrong.
Midwhiff, on the other hand? Hilarious.
12. Deb | February 18th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Hi! I just discovered you! Congratulations on the upcoming bebe.
Ok, so, I get cold sores too. Ick. And here is my Extremely Unscientific And Disgusting Cure. Ready?
I get some cotton balls soaked in rubbing alcohol. I pierce the cold sore with a pair of Sterilized And Reserved For This Purpose cuticle scissors. I immediately douse the cold sore with the rubbing alcohol for several minutes and press out the fluid(yeah, it burns). Sometimes I also douse with peroxide and/or get in the shower and scrub everything down with soap. Needless to say the bathroom and the cuticle scissors get a good cleaning. And then I keep Camphophenique on it all all times until it is healed – seriously less than a week until total disappearance.
Ok, I know this is Gross And Disgusting And Might Cause Hurling. But it always works for me. If I leave the sores alone, they spread like wildfire. If I prick it at the first sign, it goes away in no time. If the poking idea does not work for you, wiping it with rubbing alcohol several times a day will dry it out much faster.
I shall now bow my head in shame that I even told a bunch of strangers this Disgustingness Normally Reserved For The Privacy Of My Own Bathroom, and prepare to be blocked from commenting.
happy baby-making!
13. heels | February 18th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Oh hell- I came down with shingles for the second time 2 weeks before my son’s due date with the outbreak right below my boob which would mean NO BREASTFEEDING, not to mention unspeakable pain. Took the Valtrex and the imminent crisis was totally averted with no harm done to my son. AWESOME STUFF. Good luck, and lots of happy wishes for buckets of baby kisses.
14. Sarah | February 18th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Lol, your version of your doctor is hilarious! Sadly, it also reminds me of my doctor…
Anyway, good luck with the cold sore. I hope it goes away in the next day or two, so that there can be baby-kissing aplenty!
15. kirdia | February 18th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I had a massive cold sore that needed more than abreva (at 19 dollars a tube, it did not work!) so I got a valtrex sample and it worked quickly.
16. ali | February 18th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
when i was a kid and had days of the week underwear, i took great pleasure in wearing them on the wrong days. and now i take great pleasure in telling you. heh.
MIDWHIFFERY….hahahahah
17. MrsBabyBump | February 18th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
That is so hilarious. Is it bad that I kind of wish I had cold sores so I’d have a built-in excuse to not give blow jobs?! OK, maybe that’s a bit extreme.
18. Kristin H | February 18th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
From a fellow lip-herp sufferer, let me say that I am suffering vicariously with you. As if it isn’t embarrassing enough to have a big old cold sore and be worried about not being able to kiss your baby, but to have her take you aside like she’s your confidante, imparting great wisdom. Eesh!
19. Melospiza | February 18th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Will now sprint vigorously for sixty minutes to get the horrible (yet wonderful) vision of professional midriff-sniffers out of my head.
20. TUWABVB | February 18th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
As a fellow herp sufferer, I can totally sympathize with the usual inconvenient occurrence of those pesky sores. I hate them – and I ALWAYS get them when I am run down (usually before a big event) or have too much sun (usually on vacation). In fact, my hubby gets this too, and I have yet to forget the look on the pharmacist’s face when I filled not one, but two prescriptions for Valtrex before we went on our honeymoon (he knew I was headed to my honeymoon because I was also holidng sunscreen and he inquired why I needed it in a snowstorm). Anyway, my point is that people who have this issue are usually well-educated on the dangers, etc. and that woman is an asshat for thinking otherwise.
21. jonniker | February 18th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
em, I’m answering you via e-mail, but my earlier comment got eaten (ON MY OWN SITE). I’m due March 7. Two and a half weeks. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
22. Page | February 18th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
If that mid-whiff had taken my hand and advised me against the oral, I would have made a lewd gesture or cried, for sure. I have this image of the whole Kurgan (from Highlander) scene where he says “MAAAA”… and freaks out the old lady completely. You doing that. Or the like.
That would have given her something to whiff over.
23. Page | February 18th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
If that mid-whiff had taken my hand and advised me against the oral, I would have made a lewd gesture or cried, for sure. I have this image of the whole Kurgan (from Highlander) scene where he says “MAAAA”… and freaks out the old lady completely. You doing that. Or the like.
That would have given her something to whiff over.
24. Kristabella | February 19th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
So did that midwhiff person have to go to some sort of medical school? Because with her lack of understanding of common sense, I’m a little disheartened by the educational system in this country.
Like, hi, someone’s been looking at your cooter for 9 months, they would KNOW if you had The Herp down there.
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