Never Enough
February 19th, 2009
One of my favorite posts of all-time on the Internets is Swistle’s The Facts (For Some People), and while I’m sure I’ll appreciate it later, I REALLY appreciate it now, in this Time of Well-Meaning (and Sometimes Scary) Advice. It’s SO FUNNY how everyone thinks their experience is THE universal experience, but what they don’t realize is that everyone thinks that, and yet everyone’s experience is different, and I know this, because I’ve heard it all, I swear. Pregnant people and new parents, I imagine, are particularly privy to this phenomenon, because we are irresistible fresh-faced targets.
You wouldn’t think that this phenomenon would extend to what I EAT, but lo, you would be very wrong. I’m currently stocking my freezer with enough yummy stuff to last for a while so that I don’t have to cook or run out or do anything normal, at least at first. This is hilariously ill-advised to some people, because I will TOTALLY be able to at least cook something BASIC, and am overreacting.
Conversely, the fact that I “only” have somewhere in the range of 40-50 meals frozen is panic-inducing for others, because the facts are that I will NEVER BE ABLE TO COOK AGAIN and I should really consider a bigger freezer packed with enough food to sustain me for a year, at least. No, really. Never again.
And we haven’t even touched on WHAT I’ve frozen which, for the record, is a wide variety of foods featuring all sorts of food groups. “No tomatoes!” some warn me, as they claim tomatoes upset baby’s tummy if you’re breastfeeding. “No dairy!” screech others, for the same reason. “Meat? OMG no meat!” others admonish. “Ditch the gluten!” say others. “It causes gas!” And oh, it goes on.
All this is basically to say that if I took everyone’s food advice, I would be able to subsist on air and the occasional spoonful of Miracle Whip. Nope, not even that. It has chemicals. And forget about mayonnaise, because WHAT ABOUT THE EGGS.
I am amused, not irritated, by this, for the record. Unsolicited advice doesn’t bother me unless it’s related to my early demise because of the wrong birthing choice. There’s advice, and then there’s death-related advice, is what I’m saying.
This is probably why I can tell you that I have very little expectation for what parenthood will be like, except that it will probably be Very Very Bad and Very Very Hard and Very Very Exhausting, not to mention Very Very Tear-Inducing and maybe Very Very Miserable. No kidding. That’s where I’m starting from, and I’m cool with that. Only one way to go but up at that point.
Onward! One of my closest friends’ moms is on Facebook, and it truly provides endless hours of entertainment. He and I have been friends since we were ten, so obviously, I know her quite well, and am familiar with her hot buttons. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t find it hilarious when she responds to his totally benign midday status updates with harsh, borderline hysterical admonishments like (and I’m so not making this up or even exaggerating), “ALEXANDER SMITH, GET OFF THE INTERNET THIS INSTANT. DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR JOB OVER FACEBOOK.”
He’s 33, married, successful and has a kid on the way. HA HA HAAAA. Oh, MOMS.
(And not his real name, obvs, because that would be unfair.)
And finally, three gestational-related events that amused, horrified and delighted me this week:
1) I forgot to mention that the midwhiff from earlier this week asked me if I knew what I was having. And, strangely, when I replied, “A girl!” she promptly asked, “And has anyone talked to you about circumcision?”
Me: “…”
MW: “Well, would you like to discuss it?”
Me: “Again, not really, as it’s a girl.”
MW: “…”
I’m wondering if she was high or just really, really out of practice.
2) While sitting and/or lying down, it can be hard to realize just how badly you have to pee. That is, until you get up, when all hell breaks loose as the baby’s head drops directly onto your bladder and suddenly you find that you can no longer walk. I got up today and lurched to the bathroom in such an awkward fashion that the dog no longer recognized me and started barking, chasing me and biting my ankles because clearly, I had morphed into an intruder. Good to know in the event that my body is taken over by aliens and/or I become a zombie.
3) Adam’s company threw us a baby shower earlier in the week, which was ADORABLE and so nice and too generous and just … yes. So cute. Among the myriad of ridiculously cute things we received were decorated onesies from each department (one of them an artistic interpretation of some sort of theory of calculating a carbon footprint, complete with mathematical equations), clothes, books, useful stuff and, oh I didn’t realize such a thing EXISTED, but … baby ice skates, designed for a two-year-old-ish midgety person. Yes, WEE ICE SKATES, so that, I don’t know, we can raise the next Katerina Witt or a female Wayne Gretzky. Too cute. Thanks again, guys.
And speaking of, Adam’s working on an environmental-related project that some of you might be interested in being beta users for. If so, you can find the information here. (Added bonus: you may occasionally receive correspondence from the man himself, as Suebob discovered previously.)
Have a great weekend!
*The Cure
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
36 Comments Add your own
1. susan | February 19th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Oh curses. Just friended Alexander Smith AND his mother on facebook before reading your parenthetical comment. Must learn to read to the end before acting on insider information.
2. Jenna | February 19th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
I love that post of Swistle’s as well. It should be handed out to all new parents I think. And as a reminder to out-of-line old parents as well.
The bit about you lurching out of bed and the dog barking had me laughing so hard I had to comment. And then go pee before I wet myself.
3. Blythe | February 19th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
The only unsolicited advice that I can’t cheerfully ignore is the kind that comes from my mother. So I’m thankful she’s not on Facebook.
4. Kate @ Life As I Life It | February 20th, 2009 at 12:27 am
I think that post from Swistle was what led me to her. One of my all-time favs too. It’s brilliant.
Be prepared, Ms. Jonna, that while parenthood will be bad, hard, exhausting, tear-inducing and miserable AT TIMES, it will also be equally exhilerating, incredible, awe-inspiring, redefining and flat out FUN too. Don’t forget to look for those moments too, when you’re drowning in the bad, hard and exhausting. They often happen all at the same time.
5. She Likes Purple | February 20th, 2009 at 2:31 am
You know, plenty of people told me how hard and awful it would be and how I WOULD NEVER SLEEP AGAIN OH MY GOD, but I don’t think I was prepared for how *I* ended up feeling, which is such strong, solid proof that everyone has a very different after-birth experience and no one can really brace you for what it’s going to be like FOR YOU. (Or at least for me.) So why doesn’t everyone just sort of shut up with the warnings, you know?
(Also, strangely enough, my nesting hit after he came. I’ve done the dishes and cooked more in the last two weeks than in the nine months before, even if I’m “cooking” tomato-laden meals I froze before.)
6. Kristi | February 20th, 2009 at 3:11 am
The food advice is seriously out of control. Although I do have to say, that right around week 4 your brain may sort of implode and you’ll do anything, ANYTHING, to get past whatever current, inexplicable stage is going on. Oh parenthood, you slay me.
7. TwoBusy | February 20th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Even if she can’t skate like Gretzky… she can still have his haircut.
Just sayin’.
8. Swistle | February 20th, 2009 at 8:43 am
“There’s advice, and then there’s death-related advice”–AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
“Midwhiff”—-also ha-ha-ha-ing.
And I SO LOVE the circumcision question.
9. jonniker | February 20th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Ah, but Kristi, that is only true for SOME! Some people never wanted that stage to end and were DISAPPOINTED when they moved on to the next one! THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW.
10. Karen | February 20th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Must see pix of wee ice skates! Squeeeee!
11. Lesha | February 20th, 2009 at 10:10 am
The link to the Facts is so very appreciated. Thanks for that.
I’ve noticed that a lot of the midwiffs I’ve seen are sort of spacey. Nice, loved seeing them, but they were just a little bit out there. Still, the circumcision discussion over a girl baby is pretty strange.
Personally I think it’s easy to target pregnant women with advice because we are so obvious at that point. I smiled and listened, picked through and took away what I wanted…unless it was a horrific birth story. Then I just tuned them out. No need to scare myself any more than the classes already had!
12. Gaby | February 20th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Hearing about your husband’s co-workers throwing you two a shower bums me out, because I look at my co-workers and realize that they will never, ever think to do something like that for me whenever I get pregnant. Never. Because at work, I am the one that invites people to buy a little something for someone expecting; I am the one who looks online for the gift; I am the one to collect the money, order the gifts, purchase the bag, bring the card around to sign, etc. *Sigh* I envy people who work in offices of considerate, socially attuned co-workers.
13. Marin | February 20th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I vote for her being high, because anything else wouldn’t be as funny. Yes, let’s circumcise a girl. Wait, what?
14. ali | February 20th, 2009 at 10:45 am
will it make you feel better to know that i ate EVERYTHING while nursing…even the dreaded peanut butter????!?!?
15. -R- | February 20th, 2009 at 10:59 am
If my mom were on Facebook, she would probably do the same thing as Alex’s. Too funny.
It’s good that you are able to handle all the advice so well. I was lucky not to get too much. Instead I got way too many comments on how big I was.
Not related to this post, I hope you found a good pediatrician.
16. Penny | February 20th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Hey, do you mind sharing those freezer recipes? Because all I got’s lasagna and an enchilada recipe, and last time I got so sick of eating the same thing over and over again that I still have trouble eating those two things today (3 years later).
17. Rebecca (Bearca) | February 20th, 2009 at 11:41 am
One time, when I was pregnant, I was drinking out of a water bottle. Like, a regular Arrowhead water bottle. This guy — WHO I DID NOT EVEN KNOW — came up to me and launched into a lengthy diatribe about the Chemicals That Are Leached Out Of Water Bottles And Might Possibly Harm My Baby If I Continued Drinking It In Such An Irresponsible Manner.
And that was the point in my pregnancy where I ceased caring what anyone else had to say. Because really? I can’t even drink WATER anymore without putting my fetus in harm’s way?
People, they are crazy.
18. Sadie | February 20th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I also like the idea that your widwhiff was high as a kite. I am imagining her feeding a diabetic police horse candy bars right now, like in Half-Baked.
19. Anonymous New York | February 20th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Everything in this post had me laughing out loud. Shall we talk about circumcision? You got out of that by having a GIRL. And then Sunny biting your ankles as you, ahem, dantily walked to the ladies? Seriously. Hilarious.
I have to tell my sister about the midwiffery. She’s in nursing school and looks forward to clinic days in L&D. I think she’ll like the midwiff story.
20. Kristin H | February 20th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Sunny freaking out due to the way you’re walking? Funny!
Space-cadet midwife circumcision episode? V. Funny!
Mom yelling at son over Facebook? HI-larious. I laughed out loud. This is why I love reading your blog.
21. Angella | February 20th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Oh, the people and their advice. It starts when you are pregnant and IT NEVER ENDS.
As for the food thing, I had ZERO meals in my freezer and ZERO dropped off (Our family is AWESOME).
Honestly? Matthew would get home from work, I’d hand him the baby, and make dinner as a break from being barfed and pooped on.
22. Hollylynne | February 20th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Oh! The ice skates! I just teared up a little.
23. Amy | February 20th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Aren’t we all our own unique, parenting snowflakes?
24. Traci | February 21st, 2009 at 7:13 am
I too love that Swistle post, even though I came upon it after my boys were out of the baby stage. My oldest turned six yesterday, and I found myself thinking throughout the day “what was happening six years ago right at this moment?” All of it, the unexpected, the painful, the joyful, in retrospect, was just right. Why? Because it’s my particular experience. That I had, with my partner, creating our family. The beginning of it, which is why it’s all so cool.
I ate everything while I was breastfeeding, and I drank coffee. Wasn’t going to make it too long without the coffee, so glad that worked out okay! I also bought into that theory of drinking half a beer to help out with the milk production.
25. Jess | February 21st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
GET OFF THE INTERNET THIS INSTANCE. HA HA HA HA HA HA I cannot get over that.
26. Christine | February 21st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I would kind of like “Alexander Smith” and his mother to be my friends. How funny!
Also, feh, I’ve got no words of advice on children except that maybe you shouldn’t circumcise your girl. Ever. Also, frozen food is always a good idea, because hell, it can’t hurt.
And you’re the cutest in the new flickr pics. The belly! I can’t believe it is almost time.
27. LiLu | February 21st, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Female circumcision? In a developed nation? In 2009??
Baby jeebus, I hope she was high.
28. clickmom | February 21st, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I have three allergic kids and I can tell you 100% accuracy that all three are allergic to whatever I was craving while pregnant with them. The weirdest was a mad craving for of all things tofu apple raisin knishes (yeah I know weird right?) while pregnant with #3. He couldn’t tolerate anything soy for 2 years.
29. TB | February 22nd, 2009 at 10:36 am
Oh, the advice, it just keeps coming. It’s amazing how good you will get at just letting it roll right over your head and away as if you never heard it at all.
30. willikat | February 22nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
i laughed so hard i snorted at your #2: the pee walk and the dog biting your ankles. talk about kicking a girl when she’s down!
31. The New Girl | February 23rd, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I laughed right OL about your dog barking at you as you lurched to the bathroom, morphing into an intruder. OMG. Still laughing.
I also LOOOVED that post of Swistle’s and am going to go and read it AGAIN. It’s so, so true. Everything you say. IT’S ALL RELATIVE.
The screaming-potato-baby stage was so not for me, really. But I know people who CRAVE that very thing. CRAAAVE IT.
IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW!
32. Kristabella | February 24th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
So my BFF had her baby in early Jan. And she’s been struggling big time with fussy baby, etc. and getting no sleep and all that stuff. And even her mom, who is helping her out, has commented that her baby is the FUSSIEST OF ALL TIME!
So I debated forever about sending her an email mentioning The Miracle Blanket because, holy crap I read a lot of mommy blogs and they all mention it. I finally sent the email and was so apologetic if it was assvicey because hi! I don’t have babies!
And then it turns out, my friend was ignoring the assvice of everyone around her and feeding the baby too much and not burping her, which means, hell yeah she was fussy! She was uncomfortably full.
My point? I have none.
33. Connie @ Young and Relentless | February 24th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
You will find time to cook….until the baby is a toddler and then you will eat Spagettio’s out of the can for dinner most nights because you can’t leave them alone long enough to actually turn the stove on.
At some point you won’t make it to the bathroom and laughing and sneezing will cause you to pee your pants.
34. Connie @ Young and Relentless | February 24th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
You will find time to cook….until the baby is a toddler and then you will eat Spagettio’s out of the can for dinner most nights because you can’t leave them alone long enough to actually turn the stove on.
At some point you won’t make it to the bathroom and laughing and sneezing will cause you to pee your pants.
35. Mauigirl | February 25th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
This was great. And I totally identify with your pee experience. Interestingly, the same phenomenon occurs again post-menopause, without a baby head causing it.
36. LIZANielsen30 | March 17th, 2010 at 6:59 am
Have no a lot of money to buy a house? You not have to worry, because it is real to receive the business loans to resolve such problems. Therefore take a collateral loan to buy everything you want.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed