I Am A Rock
February 26th, 2009
The can of deluxe mixed nuts I bought today has a label on it screeching, “WARNING: MAY CONTAIN NUTS AND OTHER ALLERGENS.”
Ha ha haaaa? Oh God.
**WARNING: EXTREME GESTATIONAL-RELATED KVETCHING FOLLOWS**
(Mercifully, it is a LIMITED-TIME ENGAGEMENT)
(We hope.)
(Otherwise, some of us will have to be committed.)
(But really, that’s kind of all I’ve got going on, because I AM A LUMP. AN ISLAND. A CONTINENT.)
Hey, have I told you guys that I don’t sleep? Like, at all? I know, I know! I have! People think I’m exaggerating and all, but no no, really, I’m not. I start trying around 10:30, and without fail, I break out into an inexplicable full-body sweat by 11:30, at which point Adam falls asleep and snores ever so gently in tune with the dog, which is too much for my delicate little constitution to bear in this state, and I’m up! I’m up!
Enter hours and hours of television and infomercials mixed with tossing and turning and the occasional driftoff for no more than THIRTY MINUTES at a time, because I’ve been roused by the need to turn over — which believe me, is a process involving lots of heaving and more sweating, plus a body pillow — or I have to pee, or my arm (MY STUPID ARM) is throbbing from carpal tunnel.
Or — and this is the best part — I WAKE MYSELF UP SNORING. And by “snoring” I mean … oh God, you guys, I can’t believe the noises that come out of my face. Imagine a very large, very loud train full of snorting pigs screeching into megaphones. Now imagine that train in your bed. Or you know, ON YOUR FACE.
You see, perhaps, why I have come, however naively, to believe that the one- to three-hour stretches new parents complain about with newborns is beginning to sound downright LUXURIOUS. After all, I get exactly one (1) of those every day, usually between the hours of 7-10 a.m., during which the phone almost always rings, enraging me to the point of … well, blind rage. And even then, I wake up at least twice to pee and/or roll over and/or ALL OF THE DAMN ABOVE.
Here’s something also interesting! Do you know that sometimes stretch marks HURT while they are being created? You can actually feel your skin pulling apart! This of course, makes me think of OTHER nether-like regions pulling apart, only much faster and … oy, folks, OY. I am very excited for her to arrive, but I am not excited about the MODE of her arrival, and am wondering if there is some sort of alien osmosis way of getting her out so that none of us quite realizes it, until suddenly, OH LOOK, A BABY. HOW MAGICAL.
As for the marks themselves, I don’t actually care, because they aren’t that bad yet, AND I’m not inclined to get yanked out about such things, especially when there’s nothing I can do about it, short of duct-taping my skin together (a novel idea!). However, I am not all THIS IS THE SHAPE OF A MOTHER. I WEAR THEM AS BADGES OF HONOR. Um, no. They are what they are, and dude, I’m gonna assume those babies will fade. Or at least hope. If not, please don’t look for my midsection anywhere but underneath my shirts from now until forever and ever, amen.
Anyway, this will all be moot within the month, at least, as she’s due a week from Saturday, and I could go as long as 42 weeks. (Ha ha?) (HA HA HA?)
So. Other than an inordinate amount of very boring preparation and nesting (we have very clean toilets and bathtubs right now, because, you know, she’ll be born potty trained and showering solo, so those MUST BE CLEAN), there is little happening here. I am busy as hell doing things that are probably of little consequence (bills! repairmen scheduling in Florida! PANIC!) and watching my skin rip like an overinflated balloon.
And finally, Top Chef this season was really stinky. Thank God for Real Housewives. Or you know, I could watch something other than Bravo, but why start now?
Happy Thursday!
*Simon & Garfunkel
Entry Filed under: Pregnancy
48 Comments Add your own
1. She Likes Purple | February 26th, 2009 at 12:55 am
I completely agree about stretch marks. I wasn’t thrilled to see them sprout all over my hips, ass and lower stomach but, hey, there wasn’t much I could do to stop them from appearing once they, you know, appeared. I am not proud of them by any means, but I’m not crying over them either. I, too, am sort of optimistically hoping they’ll fade quickly enough and I can pretend they never existed in the first place.
2. Amanda | February 26th, 2009 at 1:28 am
I have vivid memories of the mental debate I used have with myself 800 times a night over whether I should roll over by way of getting up on my knees and letting gravity help me or just rolling over on my back. Either way, it might as well have been the New York Marathon. During my second pregnancy, I slept ALONE on an air mattress in the living room and it was the only way I could sleep AT ALL after about 30 weeks. (I even packed one when we went on over night trips!) Our regular mattress might just as well have been made of bricks.
I also remember vacuuming our entire apartment the day after I got home from the hospital with Genoa. I was tired, sure, but also? NOT PREGNANT. Nothing can prepare you for how awesome that’s going to feel!
3. Amy K | February 26th, 2009 at 2:54 am
I’ve actually considered sleeping in the bathtub. My pregnant snores might still wake me up, but at least there would be fewer rib/pelvis/belly/miscellaneous aches from the pressure of a mattress.
Totally with you on the stretch mark thing. I didn’t have any until week 34 or so, and then all of a sudden there was one little purple line under my belly button. And then there were several. And then it seemed like there was a new one every morning. If I have them anywhere else on my body, I’m too fat to locate them right now. (Ignorance is bliss.) I’m assuming they’ll fade at some point, and if not, I guess we’ll be in the same midsection-covering shirt club.
AND HOLY CRAP – A WEEK AND A HALF TO GO!
4. TwoBusy | February 26th, 2009 at 7:34 am
All I can think when reading your first line is of you with a sticker on your forehead… WARNING: may contain baby and other toxins.
5. Michelle | February 26th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Love the thought of alien osmosis. After watching the birthing class videos of the only two known ways for the baby to come out, I had a panic attack and decided that we had a month to figure out a new way. I couldn’t even wrap my mind about either possibilities for a good three weeks. Somehow I found peace right before she came. Hang in there. She will be here before you know it!
6. beyond | February 26th, 2009 at 9:43 am
best description of snores ever.
7. Sadie | February 26th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I know you are going to want to throttle me when I say this, but wow, it seems like your pregnancy has flown right by.
Also, I died thinking about being able to FEEL stretch marks forming. Good god, mothers deserve medals.
8. Penny | February 26th, 2009 at 9:53 am
I feel your pain, and yes, the infant sleeping cycle IS luxurious in comparison. I can’t wait.
9. H | February 26th, 2009 at 10:02 am
My brain works the same way as yours. At least 10 times during my pregnancies, I wondered why the baby couldn’t show up in the crib one morning when I woke up. I agree with Sadie, it seems like your pregnancy has flown by. And I know, I know, it’ll feel like every day from now until her birth will last a month!
10. Mama Bub | February 26th, 2009 at 10:10 am
When I left the hospital the nurse said to me, “Keep your stretch marks out of the sun or they’ll get darker.” To which I thought, “Right, thanks, because I was DYING to go show these babies off.” And they did fade.
11. Susan C | February 26th, 2009 at 11:22 am
I did not sleep at all towards the end of my pregnancy either. When I complained to my OB, he’d say “You know what cures that? Childbirth.” Didn’t make me feel better at all. The night that I delivered I had them keep the baby in the nursery and I slept all night long for the first time in months. It was awesome! Good luck on your impending delivery, I bet it will be better than you think.
12. Kristin | February 26th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I remember the not sleeping at all after about 36 weeks–man, did that suck. I feel for you. And the future me, in about 16 weeks…but you are right…you will probably sleep more after the baby is born.
I remember being so grateful that Will slept at night in 3 to 4 hour cycles. It felt like such a luxury to actually sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time! And I was so exhausted that I’d sleep really, really deeply for those 3 hours, get up, nurse the baby with my eyes closed, and fall back asleep instantly when he was done. Good times.
13. Kristin H | February 26th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I was amazed toward the end that I just kept getting…bigger. I know, I know, this is revolutionary. But somehow I thought, I don’t know, that once I reached ginormous proportions, things would go on hold for a while and I’d maintain some sort of status quo until the baby was born. But no! Turns out it doesn’t work that way at all! I just got bigger and bigger and BIGGER and my god, who knew anyone could stretch this much? Amazing, I tell you.
Also: I had my first baby exactly one week before she was due. I realize, us all being unique snowflakes and all, that your experience will vary. But still! Exciting!
14. Kristin H | February 26th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
And also! Amanda’s comment (the awesomeness of not being pregnant) is so true. After I gave birth, I made list right there in the hospital of all the things I was happy about, not being pregnant any more. Sleeping topped the list. No more heartburn. Peeing more than half an ounce at a time. Being able to reach my shoes and putting on underwear without lassoing them around my foot first. The list goes on and on.
15. ali | February 26th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
also…a bonus to not being pregnant. being able to sleep that tiny little stretch ON YOUR STOMACH. way better than being pregnant.
16. Chelsea | February 26th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Hahha you should read my blog, you might be my soul mate
17. Jen | February 26th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I, too, have less than a week left, and I FEEL YOUR PAIN! The carpal tunnel is the worst…I have it n my left hand, even though I am right-handed, and waking up with a dead, lifeless hand every morning is really getting OLD.
18. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com | February 26th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
I’ve woken myself up snoring too. And talking in my sleep. Lol.
19. Danell | February 26th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Dear god, yes, the SKIN STRETCHING…it HURTS…I mean, is it going to TEAR? Because it is SO TIGHT that it feels like it’s going to split like a pair of old, too-tight-across-the-ass bluejeans…like I might try to bend over and hear that same RIIII-IIP sound…
20. Blythe | February 26th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I remember the glee of sleeping on my stomach in the hospital. (I also remember the my doctor recommending Benadryl for my allergies and the glee of realizing that it kind of knocked me out so though I will not come out and SAY I used it as a sleep aid, I was very meticulous about allergy relief during those last few weeks…)
21. Leah | February 27th, 2009 at 12:15 am
May your little girl be a generous sleeper, and may your labor be fun and awesome (yes, it’s possible). I can’t believe she’s almost here!
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