Summertime
February 26th, 2009
Now that the statute of limitations on spoilers has passed, may I have a word about Top Chef? Yes, that’s right, I said STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS, meaning that the people who were live-Tweeting the results Wednesday night broke some major etiquette rules, because it’s one thing to ruin it for those of us who were on TiVo delay, but WAY DIFFERENT to totally Hose(a) the people on the West coast who didn’t even have the CHANCE TO SEE IT. And when your Tweet is nothing more than, “Hosea wins!” I then think you are an even LARGER douche, because you’re not even adding value with your Tweet! You are just ruining it for others! YES, YOU!
Ahem. I seem to have worked myself into a pregnant FROTH over this, so pissed off was I. Because it’s never happened before during a regular episode, much less a FINALE.
Anyway, Hosea. Whatever. Man, do I dislike the guy, and I see nothing attractive about him, and will consider it a service to others if the reunion reveals that he has, indeed, hooked up with Leah on a more permanent basis. Because at least then we can assume that by two totally annoying, destructive people being together that they are at least reducing the damage to other, more innocent victims.
So! I have two things I’ve been wondering about, both non-pregnancy-bitching related, although I will FIRST tell you that I had an internal exam today which is very painful, HOO BOY OH YES IT IS. I had no idea, man. I mean, getting a hand up in there isn’t exactly a piece of cake, but I didn’t realize having someone noodle around in my cervix would feel not unlike that awful scene in Seven, if you know what I’m saying and BLECH I HOPE YOU DON’T. But! Word is that I’m 50% effaced and a fingertip dilated, which, plus a bag of salt and vinegar chips, will get me lunch, if that, and I’m told to “hang tight.” Whee.
So onward to the two things!
1) I really, really thought acrylic French-manicured nails went out in 1987. Am I woefully behind the times on this? I mean, I realize that the Real Housewives of Orange County aren’t exactly the most CLASSY of ladies, given their behavior, but don’t their nails seem so INCONGRUOUS? They’re PLASTIC. And very gross. Ew. Just ew.
2) It is pretty much determined that my daughter will be a Piscean unless she goes beyond March 20 and is born Giant Freaky Overcooked Baby, which: no. This is a little bit scary for me, a Capricorn/Scorpio mix, because while I love Pisces, my mind immediately goes to the most extreme manifestation, which is usually awesome, and generally the kind of person I admire because it’s so different from me.
But because I’ll be her MOTHER, and will turn into the completely crazy controlling Capricorn that I am, unleashing every negative aspect of my personality and sign on her like the WIND, I’m terrified she’s going to be all WIFTY and want to run off to swim with the dolphins or something, which will give me HIVES, because WHAT ABOUT HER FUTURE OH MY GOD, DOLPHINS DO NOT PAY THE BILLS. And it will morph into an epic battle of wills, when really, dolphin-wranglers are probably the happiest of sorts and can do just FINE.
But still, then I’ll be that irritating helicopter mom telling her to go do something practical, and just give up on her freakin’ marine dreams already, because it’s MUCH BETTER TO DO SOMETHING PRACTICAL. AND HAS SHE CONSIDERED BEING A CPA? And while she’s at it, pick up a suit from Brooks Brothers, perhaps the kind with the gold buttons on the cuffs! HURRY. STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DOLPHINS.
I used to be a bit of an astrology buff, and in fact, have a chart to do for a friend (AIEEE, JENNIE WILL DO), but can no longer really claim much beyond the most rudimentary of knowledge. However! I know my own signs rather well, and fit them to a T. And so I ask, do you? Is my fear of Wifty Piscean Dolphin Child completely unfounded?
(Note: this is mostly in jest. Please do not panic that I’m going to send my child back or, I don’t know TO MILITARY SCHOOL, because she decides to paint teapots for a living. Or that I have some sort of THING against Pisces, because OBVIOUSLY NOT.)
Happy weekend! Holla!
*The Sundays. And the only reason I use it is because I believe she uses the term “romantic Piscean” in her whole personal ad parallel, and now it’s in my head.
45 Comments Add your own
1. Amy | February 26th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Funny – I am due March 20 and I’m hoping to go a little early so I have a Picses baby rather than an Aries. People look at me like I’m a nutso when I say this, so I am glad someone else is also thinking about these things.
2. tutugirl1345 | February 26th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
If it makes you feel better, I’m a Pieces (birthday was yesterday!) and I am super responsible and focus. I went to engineering school.
3. Victoria | February 26th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
I’m actually a Piscean CPA! Well, the Canadian version of that, at least.
4. Penny | February 26th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Clearly the lack of sleep is starting to get to you. In a funny, dissociative blogging way, not some kind of bad way.
I match hardly any of my sign, but maybe this was because I was, in fact, the freaky overcooked baby (born 3 weeks late).
5. She Likes Purple | February 26th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
I cannot tell you how annoyed I was to briefly check in with Twitter while watching American Idol and see the results of Top Chef. I didn’t want to ruin it for Mike, so I spent the last twenty minutes scratching my head with him and saying, “Man, this one seems close!”
You’ve totally reached the point in your pregnancy where every time I open your site I wonder HAS IT HAPPENED!? IS SHE HERE!? Kyle can’t WAIT for her arrival, by the way. He may already have a crush. We’ll have to do his chart and see if they’re a good match once she’s here.
6. Kristi | February 26th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
This is so funny because I am anal Capricorn, astrology dabbler myself – and have a Scorpio daughter. Man, we can fight, and she’s only 4! I can understand your fear of Pisces, but I’m betting she’ll just bring out the best in you!
7. Sadie | February 26th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
1) I, too, am appalled by the number of women who still sport acrylic French tips. I mean, I think that was passable until the late 90s or so, but I still see it, with alarming frequency. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me, since I also still see Juicy tracksuits, and people who tan until they are Oompa Loompa orange. And I don’t even live on Long Island, or in Florida!
2) I know two Pisceans. The one I know best is my brother. I wouldn’t describe him as ‘wifty’ but he is definitely ah, a little directionless. On the good side, he has always been sensitive and thoughtful and he is an amazing ‘people person’ that manages to connect with everyone…and he is always full of ideas and dreams, which pragmatic curmudgeonly me envies. He just never seems to execute. But then, he just turned 25 which is like an infant in man years, so there’s still time. And the other Pisces I know is a girl I work with, and she is honestly one of the busiest worker bees I know, and very goal-oriented. So there’s that!
8. Sadie | February 26th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Also, I knew immediately what scene in Seven you alluded to, because dear god I have been haunted by it for like a decade now, and THANK YOU for sealing the deal for me today: feeling one’s skin stretching apart and internal exams that feel like razor dicks = ME NEVER HAVING A BABY, EVER
9. Kathryn | February 26th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Oh, man, for a minute there, I thought the long french-tipped nails observation was in relation to your ob/gyn, which, EEEK!
10. Kathryn | February 26th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Oh, and yes, HAAAAAAAAATE Hosea. I found Stefan to be an irritating prick, but man, I just did not want Hosea to win.
11. anne | February 27th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Seriously the fake nails are so horrible. And gross. And unattractive. Why?
Also, my sister is a Pisces. She is now getting a Phd in Fluvial Geomorphology – which is a fancy way of saying she has figured out how to be near or in water and yet have a career. Which is so Pisces.
12. Hawkeyegirl | February 27th, 2009 at 1:03 am
I used to be pretty deep into astrology. I’m a pretty solid Taurus but the Virgo rising sign adds some interesting twists every now and then. I don’t have any kids but when my now fiance and I started dating, I knew for sure we wouldn’t be a long term relationship because he’s an Aries, a textbook Aries if there ever was one. We’ve had some issues, communication mostly and um, physical stuff too, all of which is glaringly obvious when looking at our personalities on paper with or without astrology. Somehow we’ve made it through six years and have a really healthy relationship. I know its not the same as your mother/daughter thing, but sometimes things just work out.
13. Margaret | February 27th, 2009 at 6:44 am
You know what trumps Pisces? Firstborn. My oldest (a daughter) is Pisces (I’m Aries) and is super responsible, completely self sufficient yet highly creative. She’s a freshman in HS and we remain really close. I keep waiting for all the teenage angst stuff to kick in. So far so good!
14. Hillary | February 27th, 2009 at 7:02 am
We’re thinking of another kid, and I’ve actually included potential astrological signs in my debates about the ideal time to get pregnant. It’s not the key factor, of course, but it is something to think about …
As for the internal exam, the first one I had — I foolishly kinda-sorta asked for it because I was desperate to know the show was on the road, so to speak — I bled a lot and was so shocked by it, I almost fell off the exam table when I sat up. And the sight of a hugely pregnant woman nearly falling belly-first off the exam table so shocked the doctor, she lost her breath a little. A part of me felt like I was getting even.
15. Aprylsantics | February 27th, 2009 at 7:52 am
I’m a Pisces and I just dream about dolphins.
16. TwoBusy | February 27th, 2009 at 7:53 am
As soon as I saw “acrylic French-manicured nails” I thought: Please don’t let this tie back into your exam.
17. Swistle | February 27th, 2009 at 8:20 am
“Wifty.” Love that word.
18. Cass | February 27th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I, too, am a pisces CPA … first-born girl who was a type-A, responsible, all the way go-getter. I do have a creative side, but by far, my driven/type A side wins out. So chalk me up as another that says who knows what you’ll get!
19. Korinna | February 27th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Re: internal exam…just wait until they do that when you’re in labor. That ALONE made the epidural worth it.
No noodling for me, thanks.
Oh! And if you have a random bit of time, check out oprah.com. Awhile back, both on her show and in O magazine, they gave the women makeovers. In O magazine, they gave the women New York looks (v. current trashy CA looks). Holy crap on a stick they looked so much better.
20. Katie R | February 27th, 2009 at 9:14 am
I am a libra and a LIBRA is what I am! Everything I have ever read about Libras screams my name!!
21. Sian | February 27th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Typical Gemini here, but as all that says is that I have a split personality and you never know what you’re going to get, I’m not sure that proves much!
22. ali | February 27th, 2009 at 11:01 am
so…when ARE you allowed to talk about shows?
are there rules? please, make some rules!
23. Jess | February 27th, 2009 at 11:03 am
This spoiler thing! My god! All I can say is that I’ve only been in a different time zone for like a week and I’ve already learned to stay the hell away from Twitter on important TV nights. I assume other West Coasters have learned the same lesson.
24. Cassie | February 27th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Top Chef, I KNOW. Hosea. GOD.
I don’t know much about astrological signs, but I am a Pisces and I work at an investment bank. Maybe I go against my sign? I do love dolphins, though.
25. beyond | February 27th, 2009 at 11:10 am
just read in the nypost (which i read for entertainment purposes) that hosea and leah were seen making out at some bar in the west village.
i am cancer. i wanted to run off and swim with the dolphins until i was about 16. than i came to my senses and studied acting. ha!
26. jonniker | February 27th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Ali: I say 24 hours. It’s reasonable enough that it’s still relevant, and gives people on all coasts the CHANCE to see it — I mean, if it’s a results-driven show, that’s when all the media covers it ANYWAY.
Plus, it doesn’t bring out all the people who are watching season 2 of Lost screeching, “YOU RUINED THE SHOW FOR ME. I AM TWO SEASONS BEHIND. PLZ STOP THE SPOILERS”
I hate those people, but would you believe they exist?
Jess: Some poor West coasters didn’t learn their lesson with Top Chef and they were totally effed. It was ruined for me, but DOUBLY ruined for them.
27. Marin | February 27th, 2009 at 11:43 am
If it makes you feel better, I’m a Pisces and I have yet to run off to swim with the dolphins. (I did just get out of a pool about an hour ago, though, so maybe you should have some water around.) March 8, Jonna’s baby, don’t forget.
28. page | February 27th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
This is me, every month: “So. If we conceive this month, our child will be an (insert astrological sign here).” and proceed to go off on a tangent of why said sign would be good or bad for us. Or challenging, or whatever. I totally get it, but remember, your Cap/Scorp will be shaping her, along with Adam’s whatever, and it will be FUN to see what kind of dolphins she hangs with.
Also. Awful scene in Seven. SHUDDER.
29. Kristin H | February 27th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I have never known much about astrological signs, but my mom is a Pisces and, as a VP of finance for a huge aeronautical company, she is as opposite of wifty as one can get. And I’m a Libra…maybe that explains why we don’t get along? Or something?
Your projection of your future self onto your daughter (Do something practical! Stop thinking about dolphins!) reminds me of my husband’s boss, who seriously told my husband during a review: “It’s time to give up your dreams. You work for [company name] now.”
Worst boss ever.
30. nonsoccermom | February 27th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
No worries about your Picsean daughter. I am one myself and while I tend to be a bit of a free spirit, I am also extremely responsible about the things that matter. Paying bills, holding down a good job, raising children, that sort of thing. So you will be fine! But don’t be surprised if she is a bit of a rebellious teen. I’m just saying.
31. Hollylynne | February 27th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I had The Real Housewives of OC on last night and my boy walked into the room and asked “Are you watching porn?”. Because he thought they were made up like porn stars. AWESOME.
32. kirida | February 27th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I used to have acrylic nails when I was 20. I thought I was soooo hot, even though it was expensive and everytime I left the nail salon after a fill, it felt like my fingernails were in a vise. So glad I don’t have them anymore.
33. Aprylsantics | February 27th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I forgot to mention french manicured TOENAILS, which I think is absolutely gross. The logic of painting toenails to look LONGER escapes me.
34. Kenandbelly | February 27th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
I’m a Pisces-Loving-Scorpio. My daughter came a couple weeks early and so she is an Aquarius but was supposed to be a Pisces (like her father). Had to laugh because he’s a C.P.A. But damn if he doesn’t rule out any vacation location that doesn’t involve water.
35. C | February 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
OK, I had to go sorta incognito on this one under threat form my father-in-law, BUT….
I know the OC Housewives. As in, been to Jeana’s house, etc. They’re bitches. No, really. And they brag so much about being filthy rich but their mortgages are not paid. Go figure. At any rate, their nails ARE like claws.
And also? Living here in “The O.C.” tose acrylics are a dime a dozen. My co-worker calls them Tupperware Nails.
36. slynnro | February 27th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
I have heard of these internal exams, but do not understand how they are possible. A whole hand???
37. Hashak | February 27th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I’m so so glad to see that other people couldn’t stand Hosea (and Leah) either. I was watching the finale wondering if anyone else found him to be so grating as I did. His big stupid teeth and his big stupid head. Yeah, Stefan was a prick, but I kind of think that might have been a trick of editing and that he was really a nice guy that teased people a lot.
Oh, and I’m a typical analytical Virgo married to a typical happy-go-lucky Sagittarius.
38. Hannah | February 27th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
I know a Pisces who is completely anal and a definite Type A. (She’s the baby in the family, too, which you would never guess when you first meet her.) I’ve known her all my life and seen her in the water maybe twice. Not all Pisces are wifty, unfocused mermaids! I promise!
39. Kris T | February 27th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Just a comment to say…the LAST person that should have won was Hosea…winning one elimination (ok maybe 2 I dont remember) and cooking one good last meal isn’t enough. Stephan and Carla both schooled him several times…Yes Stefan was an ass..but he was a better chef…and Carla caught the late wave but should have been given some leeway (though she did get manipulated by Casey) I just HATE who won and am considering not watching next season (yes I thought this season was that bad)
40. Kerri Anne | February 27th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
I managed to steer clear of Twitter just long enough last night to miss all spoilers, but I knew Hosea was going to win when Stephen froze his fish, or whatever, and I was sad for Stephen. I mean, he’s sort of an ass, right? But a likeable ass! At least, I thought so.
Also: I really want a t-shirt that says “Never give up on your marine dreams.” Just because I once had them. Marine dreams, I mean. Though they didn’t involve swimming with dolphins so much as being a marine biologist. Which, I guess would mean I might get to swim with dolphins, if I played my cards right.
41. Mauigirl | February 28th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I hear you on the Pisces thing – I’m not completely into astrology either but I do find there are certain signs that I just don’t tend to relate to as much – and Pisces is one of them. I am a Virgo on the cusp of Libra and I have absolutely no friends who are Pisces. They’re all Taurus, Gemini, even Cancer – but no Pisces. My husband (and my first boyfriend, actually) is a Libra. So there must be something about the signs that means something. But I’m sure you’ll be fine with your daughter! We don’t choose our relatives. My mom is a Sagitarrius and we get along fine even though nobody else I know is a Sag.
42. Alyce | February 28th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
I’m a Scorpio (first three houses – REPRESENT). I’ve had some great Pisces friends and some challenging ones. Great ones were firstborn or equivalent (5-6 yrs between sibs). I think you’ll be great.
43. Christine | March 1st, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I’m a Scorpio, and my mother is a Pisces…she’s pretty driven though. Although she didn’t really work a lot when we were growing up she just opened up her own daycare/preschool a few years back and despite the economy the school is still going strong.
Also! It’s almost time! Yay!
44. Calliope | March 1st, 2009 at 4:34 pm
ha- cracking up over your Top Chef comments. I was SO rooting for Carla just because she was the underdog.
Also cracking up over the astro stuff. As a fellow Capricorn I was dorkily THRILLED to find out that Snork would be an Aires kid as I have high hopes that our frantic needs for organization would be a good mix.
45. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com | March 1st, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Your blog always makes me laugh =)
Here’s some best wishes for a baby that is not giant, freaky, and overcooked!
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