No Way Out
March 3rd, 2009
After all the brouhaha after last night’s Bachelor, I kind of wish I’d watched it this season so that I, too, could be jam-packed with righteous indignation. Instead, I will have to live vicariously through Miss Banshee, who made me laugh out loud with repeated references to him as “The Douchelor.” Which, you know, is kind of awesome.
I went back to the doctor yesterday for the weekly check-up and really, one word: meh. See also: ow. No progress, not really dilated, was given pity figure for effacement, and so on. She actually suggested we make a fancy couples dinner date for our due date so that we wouldn’t be too disappointed when it comes and goes. Le sigh. I shall live to waddle another day.
What was fairly awesome, however, was at this stage of the game, Adam is coming with me to all my appointments in the unlikely event that they screech that I am mysteriously in labor without realizing it and AIEE, let us go to the hospital NOW NOW NOW!
And look, I maintain that the gynecologist’s office is rarely not funny, kind of like seeing people fall down. It just is. It’s almost ALWAYS funny, unless you’re there for something really and truly dire. Even if you’re Emily and the doctor heats up the speculum to a temperature that could cauterize noses, it’s still mildly amusing, at least in retrospect. For crying out loud, there are STIRRUPS involved and people are jamming things in places that should never have unwanted visitors. It has to be funny, otherwise it would be very, very pitiful and sad.
My friend Alex’s* wife is pregnant, as I’ve mentioned, and when I talked to him earlier this week, he announced that he had finally seen “the stirrups behind the green curtain” during her last ultrasound. Adam delivered further confirmation of this bizarre sense of mysticism yesterday when, after the nurse wordlessly left me with a paper sheet, I started to disrobe from the waist down.
“What … WHAAT? Oh my God, why are you taking your pants off? WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF? OH MY GOD.”
So not kidding. You’d think I’d pulled out a pack of matches and lit the place on fire. Apparently, in Man World, you never take your pants off without instructions expressly demanding that you do so, and with explicit directions for precisely the point in the appointment that it is acceptable to do so. Or something. But I can’t help but think that he might be a wee bit traumatized and that this may have prepared him for the birth and not in a good way. I mean, he’d been to appointments with me before, but my pants stayed on until more recently, obviously.
Anyway! In exciting news, a piece of art arrived for the baby’s room done by the incredible hands of Lawyerish‘s mom herself and you guys, it’s amazing. It’s so amazing I wish I could take a picture of it and show you all RIGHT NOW, but unfortunately, Boy Scout Adam has the car packed and loaded for labor and the camera is IN THE BAG and God forbid we disturb the sacred birthing bag. Never mind that until yesterday the bag didn’t contain CLOTHES for me to go home in, because he didn’t think I needed them, NEVER MIND.
(Speaking of Lawyerish, did you know she’s back? Because she is and with all kinds of updates, both heartbreaking and hopeful.)
And finally, this evening I flicked on American Idol for no reason at all (I never watch it, and that will become clear in a moment) and found myself Tweeting that the dude who sang Mandolin Rain had “axe murderer eyes” and was all, what the hell’s with the guy’s EYES? He looks scary! Very scary! And mean!
Fortunately or unfortunately as these things go, I was about to launch off on something else when someone informed me that hi, um, he’s actually blind. Yes, BLIND. OH HI HO. Is there another pile of shit I can step in?
Please, someone let me know where I can show up for my sensitivity award, because clearly I deserve one.
*Alex, he of Facebook Mom fame. By the way, he informed me of a post I’d missed, wherein he mentions beer and she FAH-REEKS OUT on his public profile, screeching that he should not be drinking in front of his wife and for the love of God, doesn’t he know about FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME? BEER IS DANGEROUS. I guess through proximal osmosis. I don’t know.
**Peter Gabriel. Toying with the idea of whipping through the birth playlist until she’s actually out.
Entry Filed under: Pregnancy,Uncategorized
17 Comments Add your own
1. Blythe | March 4th, 2009 at 12:33 am
“…rarely not funny, kind of like seeing people fall down.”
You are so right. One of the top five times I’ve laughed the hardest was watching my sister-in-law in a full-length bridesmaid gown, dancing with her husband at a wedding, and slowly tripping and toppling over and landing on the floor. And I just could. not. stop. giggling. And she was not at all amused. But. Funny!
2. TwoBusy | March 4th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Adam saw the birth video, right? He’s been informed that childbirth is generally a pants-free experience?
I think a PowerPoint presentation might be in order here.
3. mar | March 4th, 2009 at 8:06 am
i don’t watch the bachelor (douchelor? good one, banshee!) but i’d heard about a slap in the face. did not see on the snip/recap last night while flipping channels. nor do i watch idol, but holy sh#t, millionaire matchmaker is a hilarious trainwreck that i cannot turn away from. or rather, i tried to change the channel, but s nearly smacked my remote hand when i tried to turn it to something else this weekend. apparently we will be seeing if this is a one-time phenomenon.
also, thanks for the add on f’book. isn’t facebook mom a bit of a creeper, spying on her son or whatnot? i mean, what is she doing on there?
4. Marie Green | March 4th, 2009 at 9:30 am
So, I just wanted to throw out there that whether or not a woman is dialated/effaced or not, it really doesn’t predict when said woman will go into labor. Some women walk around at a 3-4 cm for WEEKS before labor, and other will not be dialated at all and go into labor the evening of the check that said she wasn’t dialated At! All!
I think having a fancy date planned for you due date is a GENIUS idea. It would have saved me sobbing into my pillow about how I was going to be Pregnant! Foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
5. H | March 4th, 2009 at 9:41 am
You crack me up!
6. Sadie | March 4th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Men really have no idea of the indignities suffered by women as a matter of course, do they? I mean, really. Can you imagine if a man ever had a period, even? It would make a “Man Cold” look like NOTHING.
7. Moose | March 4th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Alex – of Facebook Mom fame – is being quoted in every Facebook conversation I have (and there have been a lot lately). Because that shit is brilliant. Also: My mother joined Facebook, as I learned from a friend in England of all places. She hasn’t friended me. I think this is probably a blessing.
8. Kristin H | March 4th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Watching people fall down really IS funny. The best is watching people fall off a treadmill. Comedy gold, I tell you.
Now, off to the gym. I’m sure karma will be joining me.
9. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com | March 4th, 2009 at 11:49 am
On the blind guy:
A few years ago, my friend and I got together for dinner. She brought another friend of hers along, so the three of us stood outside waiting for a table together. There had been this creepy stalker guy episode in my life that was finally coming to a close with the help of police, and I was explaining the whole thing to the friend and as I talked, the guy kept twitching. It annoyed me, I thought he was making fun of how expressive I am with my hands, so finally I told him “You can stop imitating me by twitching around anytime now.”
And it turned out he had Turret’s.
Which is why I am going to Hell.
10. ali | March 4th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
the husband walked in the room as he was singing last night and said the same thing… “what the hell is with that dude’s eyes? he looks, like, unibomber scary”
and then i was all “that dude is blind, yo!”
and then he felt like an ass.
and that was the highlight of this entire season for me.
11. Anonymous New York | March 4th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I actually was shaking from laughter at Adam’s response to you removing your pants. It’s as if you started in the waiting room, trailing your garments behind you. Priceless.
12. Pam | March 5th, 2009 at 1:05 am
When women go into labor, I think their husbands should have to take their pants off, too. A little solidarity never hurts.
13. Style Bard | March 5th, 2009 at 5:28 am
You know what’s funny too? Animals falling down. Once my dog was walking and tripped over nothing and fell. It’s one of the funniest things I can think of. You have FOUR LEGS and you’re like SIX INCHES from the ground. How can you fall?! HOW?
Also, my mother and aunt just got fb to prove they’re still hip and with it, and whatall. I feel bad ignoring their friend requests but really? No. Just no. I’m sorry, mom. I can’t be your facebook friend. Alex is why, mom. Go ask Alex.
14. Shelly | March 5th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Yes, the gyno’s office is ALWAYS funny. My new favorite is just before they examine you, they say, “You’ll feel me touch you.” Well, I should hope so! And at one of my last gyn visits, they left my hubby and I in the room so I could change clothes. I started disrobing and my hubby looked at me uncomfortably, and said, “Um, shouldn’t you go into the bathroom to change?” and then handed me the paper sheet that they leave you to put on. I just looked at him and laughed. Then I showed him how little the sheet covers and he understood.
And I am totally in love with FB Mom.
15. Jen W. | March 5th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
So glad I’m not the only one who made a mildly offensive remark about the blind guy’s eyes before knowing he was blind.
16. The New Girl | March 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
OMG. Jonna, I read the paragraph about the pants coming off THREE times, laughing OUT LOUD throughout.
That is some funny right there. It also reminded me of a David Sedaris essay (?) in which he disrobes at the doctor’s at an inappropriate time and then has to go and sit in the waiting room, with other people.
17. Rae Ann | March 8th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
When I read Adam’s reaction to the reality of an OB apt. I laughed until I cried. Seriously. My whole face is wet.
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