Daysleeper
March 31st, 2009
Sam is a wonderful napper. Um, during the day, that is. She’s actually not sure what the difference between night and day IS, so every evening/morning/ha ha WHATEVER between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. (the timing, it is marvelously unpredictable!), there is The Screaming. The Screaming FROM HELL. The painful, bloody murder screaming that implies that I’m ripping her toes off and stuffing them in her mouth. (Wait, you’re not supposed to do that to babies?) (I KID OMG.)
The first few times were hellish. I mean, TRULY HELLISH. She screamed, I cried, Adam Googled, we all lost our collective shit. It’s gotten a little easier because I know it’s all temporary — eventually, she stops screaming and just passes right the hell out in my arms, so exhausted from whatever leg-wriggling pain, real or imagined, she was in. It eventually stops. Mercifully, it EVENTUALLY STOPS.
I’m not sure it’s anything beyond the normal witching hour stuff, just at a most inconvenient time of day, because 90% of the time, she’s the happiest baby ever, and sleeps like a true champion (you know, in two-hour chunks, not through the night or anything), provided she’s properly swaddled. (ALL HAIL THE SWADDLE ME) (TM)
Anyway! A word about sleep deprivation and the childless.I don’t know why I feel a responsibility to debunk all the asshole things parents said to me before I had a kid, and to give people who don’t have kids a little respect, but I do. So! To the “Sleep now…” or “You think you’re tired NOW!” people: Let me say that although I am getting less sleep than I’ve ever gotten in my entire life, I am not nearly as tired as I was after a night of no sleep Before Sam. I don’t know what kicks in — adrenaline, love, whatever — but it’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, even on the nights when she doesn’t sleep AT ALL.
I don’t think you can compare the two experiences, because one includes the enormity of a COLOSSAL RESPONSIBILITY OF A TINY PERSON and you know, the need to KEEP ANOTHER PERSON ALIVE, whereas the other is just incredibly fucking annoying, and you are cut no breaks whatsoever, because you don’t have any responsibilities, you sad, childless, lazy sow! How DARE you require eight hours of sleep!
And so, to the sleepless childless people out there: you probably are more tired than me, in a weird way. It’s all relative.
Not that I’m not really fucking tired. Because OH I AM. I’m literally weeping by the time 4 p.m. rolls around every afternoon, and my evenings are filled with a special kind of dread. Sadly, the person who is suffering from my exhaustion is Adam, not Sam. I have no patience for him, and he hasn’t even done anything wrong — in fact, he’s done everything he can to make this easier on me and then some. I think that’s the biggest challenge — remembering that I’m also married to someone, not just a mom, and treating him as a person who also deserves attention and nice words, especially since he can actually understand what I’m saying, unlike the pants pooper among us. Not that she’s not worthy, of course, because she is.
Finally, I will leave you with the most ridiculous thing I have done to date, and I … oh God, whatever. So Sam was laid up with her first head cold last week, and I’m sorry, there is NOTHING more pitiful than the sound of a newborn snorfling and snuffling because girlfriend can’t breathe. It’s awful. Awful.
Of course, she’s way too little to dose up with Sudafed and sack out for the night (DARE TO DREAM), so we were pretty much stuck with homeopathic remedies, including hot steamy showers, humidifiers and irrigating her nostrils with saline and the snot sucker. Except that Adam performed some constructive Googling and determined that breastmilk in the nostril was helpful (?!) and … well, you see where this is going. Desperation led me to the most ridiculous position of my life, wherein I hovered over my daughter, boob in hand and I tried to actually shoot breastmilk up my child’s nostrils.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Happy day! Or night! WHATEVER! HA HA HA.
I promise one day I’ll stop talking about the baby all the time. I PROMISE. Please bear with me.
*REM
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
50 Comments Add your own
1. Anyabeth | March 31st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
You didn’t ask for assvice and I swear this isn’t any. But if I recall correctly, the two weeks old time period was the worst and I remember just sobbing at 9pm every night because I knew it was going to go tits up any second. And then it sorted out a bit in week three. Not that she slept through or anything but she started to be awake more during the day and sleeping at night.
2. jonniker | March 31st, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Anyabeth: EXCEPT THAT WE ARE NOW IN WEEK FOUR. HOLD ME.
3. Swiggy | March 31st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Boob juice in the nose! Where did he read that? So funny!
4. Erin | March 31st, 2009 at 10:33 pm
But the real question is: Did the breastmilk shot up the nose help? Because that would be sort of awesome.
Even though you’re tired you sound so so so happy, YAY!
5. She Likes Purple | March 31st, 2009 at 10:34 pm
I completely agree about exhaustion. It’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be until the anxiety kicked in and I COULD NOT FALL ASLEEP FOR DAYS. I felt like Al Pacino in “Insomnia.” The baby was asleep AND I NEVER WAS. Thankfully kicking caffeine made all the difference. I’m less exhausted without it then I was with it coursing through me.
6. jonniker | March 31st, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Erin: Um, no. I basically shot it all over her face like a creepy twist on a non-porn porn movie, and gave up and went with saline. Never again.
7. slynnro | March 31st, 2009 at 10:52 pm
My love for you. It grows and grows.
8. Erin | March 31st, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Oh well. Still a valiant effort!
9. Carla Hinkle | March 31st, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Umm, at this stage in the game, you really do NOT need to be worried about being the Good Wife. You have a leave of absence from that job for at least another month, maybe 2.
A friend of mine used to go to bed at like 7pm, more of a nap really, to gird herself for the evening ahead. Since her babies (and mine too, actually) always slept great from about 7-11 pm, just put herself down then too. I could never manage that early-evening nap (I spent the time messing around on the laptop and watching TV) but she swore by it.
10. Amanda | March 31st, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Isn’t it funny how seamlessly you can go from being 100% self-absorbed to totally forgetting you ever existed in the first place? (I promise you get yourself back eventually. PROMISE!)
Okay, so I say this to EVERY new mom, but are you by any chance eating a giant bowl of MUCH DESERVED ice cream before bed every night? Because I did that with Genoa and that was how I finally figured out that her middle-of-the-night EVACUATE THE HOUSE THE ZOMBIES ARE UPON US scream fest was dairy allergy. Just a seed I must plant because GOOD LORD THE SUFFERING. (Both mine and hers.)
If you google it enough, you’ll find that breast milk is a solution to just about every evil known to mankind. Pretty soon they’ll start prescribing it for erectile dysfunction.
PS – Dude, she’s only 4 weeks old. It’s okay to talk about the baby!
11. Camels & Chocolate | April 1st, 2009 at 12:53 am
You KILL me. Even when sleep deprived and weary, you’re still HILARIOUS.
12. Kate @ Life As I Life It | April 1st, 2009 at 2:17 am
I’ve heard of breastmilk helping unclog tear ducts, but not snotty noses. Good on ya for trying!
13. -R- | April 1st, 2009 at 7:24 am
Poor sniffly baby!
Warren does the horrible screams of death sometimes, but usually only during middle of the night diaper changes. I can’t imagine how horrible it would be to deal with those screams for hours! I hope Sam gets over it soon!
It sounds like you and Adam are a really good team (and fantastic parents too).
14. A. | April 1st, 2009 at 7:37 am
I just have to say: You are a mom now. You can talk about your daughter all freakin’ day if you want. And, when your world is consumed by her 24/7, of course that’s what you’re going to write about on your blog. And we love it.
15. Korinna | April 1st, 2009 at 7:52 am
Feel free to blog about the baby all freaking day. Just don’t use the word “mommy blogger.” Evah.
It makes me want to punch someone.
16. Assertagirl | April 1st, 2009 at 8:46 am
I sure hope little Sam’s feeling better! And you just go on talking about her a long as you want.
17. Jennifer | April 1st, 2009 at 8:47 am
Um, I did the breastmilk in nose thing too – several times. Also – it is supposed to work for pink eye too… I can only imagine how awful that was for my infant son.
18. beyond | April 1st, 2009 at 8:48 am
hey, don’t stop talking about the baby! i come over here to read about the baby!
19. Swistle | April 1st, 2009 at 9:19 am
1. At this stag of new baby, I WANT to hear about your baby all the time and would be disappointed if you discussed anything else.
2. I totally put breastmilk in my baby’s infected eye. Kid you not. Also: it either worked or the infection cleared up on its own for unrelated reasons.
20. Shelly | April 1st, 2009 at 9:31 am
I will second Swistle’s call for All Baby, All the Time! She’s brand new! We want to know all about her, and your (very funny) thoughts on new motherhood.
And I, too, had trouble being patient with my husband after Baby #1. For her, I was all patience, all love. For him, I was mostly annoyed and bitchy. NOT a good way to maintain my marriage.
21. Jess | April 1st, 2009 at 10:08 am
But the question is, DID IT WORK?
Also, I love that you call your daughter “girlfriend.”
22. Penny | April 1st, 2009 at 10:24 am
We never did the breastmilk in the nose thing, but it would seem slightly easier if you pump it out first, but it in a little syringe, and squirt at will. Less contorting around anyway.
Stupidest thing I ever did with baby: on an 8 hr road trip, I didn’t bring any bottles. I was breastfeeding and figured we’d just stop on the side of the road in the even of a needed snack. Only, we hit rush hour and there was no where to pull over, and the baby was wailing, and well, guess what? I managed to contort myself over the backwards-facing baby seat and hover there, breastfeed my infant while the car was in motion. Gah. The things we do when the baby isn’t happy.
23. Anonymous New York | April 1st, 2009 at 10:25 am
So freaking hilarious. I totally would have made Sports Fan SHOW ME THE WEBPAGE because I could totally see him telling me that to get me to try it before stopping me in the nick of time. You know, before dousing a newborn with breastmilk. But I guess it’s true. I learn so much. So much!
And I have to echo Slynnro. I just love you more and more with each post.
24. JMH | April 1st, 2009 at 10:55 am
My parenting mantra is “This too shall pass” It has helped me get through the newborn stage, teething, potty training and now the 8 year old’s attitude…!! You are doing a great job. Hope she is feeling better
25. birdgal | April 1st, 2009 at 11:51 am
Yeah, that breastmilk thing? I did that too
, except I squirted some into a bowl and then used an eye dropper to administer it. And, you know what? It DOES help!
26. jen from boston | April 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I am still in the throes of preganacy, but I can identify to your breastmilk/nose story. There are things I have done in the confines of my bathroom b/c of some…uh, bathroom related issues that I have filed under: “Desperation, Acts of” that you can’t believe you did or would consider.
Bottom line: You do what you have to do…or what you think will work.
27. Jinxy | April 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
OMG I laughed so hard at the breastmilk thing that I wok up my baby.
28. Leah | April 1st, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Although I don’t think I’d call a head cold (but maybe others would?), Wombat was stuffed up every night for the first month of his life. The pediatrician reassured us it was just normal baby mucus from the womb and that it would clear up soon (and it did). The thing that kept us up for that first month was the need to shoot saline up his nose and to suction him out (Simon and Simon) and the need to keep his head elevated, which meant trying to sleep with a newborn propped in the crook of my arm. The baby slept fine through all of this, which was both a blessing and also kind of annoying.
29. Blythe | April 1st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
My midwife was all about breastmilk-as-panacea. I feared she was going to try to tell me my episiotomy would heal faster if I could just get some breastmilk on it. Now there’s a visual for you.
30. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com | April 1st, 2009 at 6:26 pm
So, did the breastmilk work? Because, it must have been a sight to see and I’m sure it really puts your life into perspective lol, but hey, if it works it works!
I hope Sam is feeling better soon!
31. clickmom | April 1st, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Sounds like colic to this seasoned mother which means something you are eating is upsetting her stomach because in the least she has an intolerance that she might possibly outgrow. These are the various things I could not eat when I was nursing one or the other of my kids: MILK- this was a huge one, wheat, pineapple, soy, and red dye. I’d get rid of the dairy (careful it’s like- in everything) first. Stay with it at least two weeks, but if it is dairy you should start to see her symptoms ease in about 4 days. Email me if you want the whole food allergy briefing. My whole family has them and I am well versed.
32. Erica | April 1st, 2009 at 6:58 pm
i hope that you never stop talking about her.
33. Megan | April 1st, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Oh, how I WISH our witching/evil hours were the same time. Lila starts up around 7pm, and finally gives in, and passes out due to sheer exhaustion around 11. I can hear her screaming upstairs with dad now, b/c he DARES to try to feed her.
Can you please come over and have Sam teach her how to nap? Lila will NOT nap during the day. If she sleeps, it’s only due to being milk drunk, and only if she’s lying ON me.
SO agree about me being tired–I can handle this brand of tired much better than the late-pregnancy tired. That sucked.
And HA about the breastmilk, I’m definitely writing that one down. I’m sure I’ll need it soon.
34. The New Girl | April 1st, 2009 at 7:52 pm
There are some really wicked growth spurts and shit in there, too.
I can so, so, SO relate with all the angry going to the spouse. I remember feeling like ALL MY NICE WAS USED UP by the baby. I have never, EVER been so short and uh, HOSTILE-like to my awesome, true-to-life best friend of a husband. If we had a shaky foundation to begin with, I can imagine it being STRESSFUL MARITAL HELL. As it was, we’d each apologize when it was warranted and then we’d MOVE ON. It got so much better when the hormones and the all-day-and-night-screaming (which could be used to TORTURE TERRORISTS) waned.
So much of the weeping is still post-partum and oh, OH, THE DREAD OF NIGHT. I wrote a whole post about it and my sister and I talked about it on the reg. FWIW, she says that TDON is almost non-existent the second time around.
Will keep you posted.
xo
35. Pocklock | April 1st, 2009 at 8:39 pm
My kid did the SAME thing with the screaming. It’s brutal. Absolutely brutal. I’ve never felt like more of a failure in my life. It turned out she had reflux pretty bad and she was also reacting to a ton of stuff in my breastmilk. A prescription for Zantac and a change in my diet made a HUGE difference. By 6-weeks we were almost normal people.
Oh – and I shot my milk in her eye because my Lactation Consultant said it would cure her pink-eye.
I think it might have worked…
36. Meredith | April 1st, 2009 at 9:14 pm
First time commenting here…but I had to let you know that it is such a relief to hear your side of “sleeping during pregnancy vs. sleeping during new parenthood”.
I’m in week 30 of my first pregnancy, and I’ve been pretty mellow about everyone’s assvice. Everyone seems to ask how I’m doing, and when I relay that everything is pretty good, except for the awful, horrible insomnia and restless leg syndrome…most people’s first instinct is to say something along the lines of “Oh honey, sleep now because you won’t when he comes!”. Gee, that never occurred to me! Thanks so much for pointing that out. I may throttle the next person who says something like that, because I’m SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT HOW I’M DOOMED TO NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.
Ahem. Sorry about that. Anyway, many, many thanks to you for writing about how you would take sleep deprivation post-birth than during pregnancy anytime. It helps me to know that not all people are miserable zombies once their kid arrives.
Keep the baby updates coming. I love reading your perspective on new parenthood.
37. willikat | April 1st, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Parts of this made me laugh until I snorted. The other parts made me sympathetic. One last part of me is relieved you’re debunking. And don’t worry. We love the talk of the babe.
38. TwoBusy | April 1st, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Y’know, I thought the image of you attempting to shoot milk up Sam’s nose was strange enough, and then you went ahead and compared that to a porn scene, and now…
Well, I’m going to have a damned strange time trying to get to sleep now with that running through my head.
39. Suebob | April 2nd, 2009 at 12:35 am
Haha you are a mommyblogger! Neener neener neener.
40. Shin Ae | April 2nd, 2009 at 8:50 am
This all sounds so normal to me. I have been sleep-deprived for almost nine years now. Many moms tell me it doesn’t get better until they move out. I don’t know. It is worth it, though, a million times over.
I am sorry if this is annoying but I have to say a couple things:
(1) Taking my first outdoors during the colicky period would make him better. Instantly. Too bad that outdoors was about the last place I wanted to be. Outdoors did not work with the second child at all.
If you ever want to have a conversation about baby/child screaming fits, by all means contact me. I have experience with that. It ended, though. It did. Took a long time, though, and got weirded and more perplexing with each passing year.
(2) Here are the things I cut out of my diet when I was breastfeeding my second child to try to get rid of the screaming: broccoli, cauliflower, onions, garlic, anything like onions and garlic, chocolate, coffee, anything caffeinated, processed foods, all dairy, potatoes and other nightshades, wheat, soy. That’s what I can think of, off the top of my head. I was a little desperate. Guess what? It didn’t work. I did it for quite a while, and it did not work. He cried and screamed anyway. I am sure that it works for some people or it wouldn’t be advised so much, but it doesn’t always work.
I read that somewhere (forget where) it is called the Hundred Days Crying. Sounds about right. Then you get to start with teething.
They are so worth it.
41. Shin Ae | April 2nd, 2009 at 10:04 am
Hey, that place that you go to when you click my name on my comment above? That was a typo. Sorry about that.
42. Suebob | April 2nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I didn’t mean to mock your status as mommyblogger (ok, I will stop saying that term. I actually like “mom blogger.” Is that better to you?)
I love that you talk about Sam all the time. It is wonderful to see you grow and stretch as a person and I love the joy you have with your daughter. It explains a lot about why people ever do it twice, which is something I hadn’t been able to figure out til now.
43. jen from boston | April 2nd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
was just in my co. breakroom and got my first “sleep now while you can” advice from a woman in there.
I actaully pushed back referencing what you had written, your comparision sleep deprivation of those with kids and without, and she had to agree with you. Ha! Take that, breakroom lady.
Thanks!
44. Miss E | April 2nd, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Shooting milk up her nose. I’m peeing my pants laughing! Does that really work??
Glad you are enjoying mommyhood so much. And I, personally, love the Sam stories. Keep ‘em coming!
45. samantha jo campen | April 3rd, 2009 at 10:34 am
Boob juice in the eye–totally. Never heard about up the nose. I’m intrigued.
And OH PLEASE you need to keep talking about her because helLO your life is now turned upside down and she consumes all your energy so what else are you going to talk about for a while? Bring on The Bebe! With more pictures. . .:-)
46. Jess | April 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
Sweetie, talk about the baby every dang day! We lurve it! And my doctor told us to squirt breastmilk into my daughters eyes for eye infections and blocked ducts, so hey I’ve been there. It’s a great moment. A moment when you realize that you don’t believe in dignity anymore…
47. Carrie (in MN) | April 3rd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Ditto on loving hearing about the baby – it makes us happy to have you bring your particular brand of funny to this. And, while I totally understand if you’re not comfy with pictures, but I think I speak for many when I say MORE MORE, can we have some MORE please?
48. amber | April 4th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I like the baby talk! No complaints here.
49. babs | April 6th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Just a shout out that you are STILL hilarious… I’m one of your single, childless readers, and I’ve always wondered “if I’m this tired now, how could I ever be a new mom?”
50. Danielle-lee | April 7th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
So the breastmilk face bath didn’t work? Damn. I was hoping you had happened upon a new remedy. You don’t me to tell you about the feedings where my milk ended up all over my girl’s face, my face, the couch, the wall…..OMG, it was crazy.
The 4pm weeping, the night time dread….most of us have been there, and I hate that no one really REALLY prepares us. I wonder if it’s because, when we are pregnant, we are so annoyed by all those kind-hearted bitches who want to tell us ALL ABOUT their experience? So, that being said, I feel I must say this:
It will get awesomely-easy soon. I mean, you will be able to shower, put on some make-up, fit into skinny clothes, have a REAL conversation with Adam, all while bathing, dressing, and feeding Sam, and all of a sudden it will smack you in the face: “I’m DOING IT. I’m getting the hang of being so many different people at once!”
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