The Planets Bend Between Us
June 17th, 2009
I know I haven’t updated photos of Sam in like, a month, but I swear it’s not because I haven’t taken them, it’s because a) I can’t find the damn photo uploader thing; and b) at the moment, the camera is in the bedroom, and would YOU go in there and wake her up to get it? I didn’t think so.
It’s a shame, really, because she’s damn cute. I think that’s one of the Unspoken Worries of parents (or, in some cases, spoken, as I’ve totally said it): that our kids won’t be cute, or that we’ll have ugly kids and we won’t know it and people will be mocking us and … oh, God, this sounds so stupid, and let me say that it wasn’t like TOP OF MY LIST OF FEARS or anything, but it did linger there under the litany of things like “healthy” and “has all important parts.”
What’s interesting about this is that for starters, *I* have the most beautiful baby in the world, and no, I cannot be convinced otherwise. Also, she could be hideous, and I wouldn’t know, nor would I care. But I’m pretty sure she IS beautiful, so there’s that.
Besides all the other stuff going on, I think what’s missing is talking about the good, and I just don’t say it enough. At least once a day, although usually along the lines of a thousand times, I scoop her up and cover her with kisses until she laughs so hard she can’t see, because I just can’t believe this little girl is mine. She’s starting to develop a sense of humor about things and figuring out what she finds funny is my favorite thing in the whole world, hands down.
And the situation that led to the co-sleeping, for all its sleepless drawbacks, gives me these unbelievable moments with her in the middle of the night, when I wake up with my face mere inches from hers and watch her little lips gently move up and down as she sucks on her tongue. God, I wouldn’t have missed that for the world, honestly. In the mornings, when she wakes up with her face puffy from sleep, she lets out a grin that will light up your whole life, just before pulling her feet in the air and proudly ripping the loudest farts in the world, right in my face, smiling brighter than the sun the whole time.
It’s not like I couldn’t imagine parental love before, or that I think that people who haven’t had kids don’t know love, blah blah blah, but I AM constantly surprised by how much I love her. Sometimes it’s a physical need so strong that I have to touch her — I have to pick her up and kiss her and hold her just tightly enough to satisfy me, but not as tightly as I want to, which, quite frankly, would probably break her.
Throughout all of this, I am, mercifully, acutely aware of how fast it’s all going, and that one day, she won’t need me so much anymore, and that I’ll look back and be willing to give anything for one more night with her snuggled up against me, and one more morning waking up to her noxious, noxious farts. I know this, and it’s what gets me through every single day. You never know when the last time of anything will be, because they grow so fast and furious, the next stage is here before you can even blink. When I think about it, my whole body aches and I miss her already. I want to freeze time; to tell her to stop growing up already, it’s going too fast. Please, baby girl, don’t leave me.
So, you know, for all of this shit, for all the days I’ve cried because I’m just so goddamn TIRED and would give anything for another five more minutes of sleep, I’m … well, I’m not sure I would do anything differently. I don’t know what, if anything, I would change about right now, because any change — even in her sleep patterns — might have sent us on a slightly different path, and oh, I would have missed so much, even the hardest of hard stuff. Oh, you guys. This baby. This little girl. I love her so.
And with that, I’m going to bed with my girl. Because really, before you know it, I won’t get to do that anymore.
Have a great Thursday, y’all.
*Snow Patrol
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32 Comments Add your own
1. Kristina | June 17th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Almost (almost) convinced me to start co-sleeping. With my 2 year old. So sweet and so very true.
I also worried about “the ugly baby”. I didn’t want to be like those people on that episode of Seinfeld and everyone would be all “Ohhh, looooook… a…..baby….” Seriously I tried to find a friend who would agree to tell me if my kid was ugly. No one would swear they would do it. Luckily, I gave birth to a beautiful baby. Of course
2. Thistle | June 17th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Hee! From the time I found out I was having a girl, I have had near the top of my list of worries “What if she looks like my mother-in-law?”
3. Megan | June 17th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I think this is my favorite post you’ve ever written. Brought tears to my eyes. Because I KNOW. Man, I know. Thank you for reminding me.
4. whoorl | June 17th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
“Sometimes it’s a physical need so strong that I have to touch her — I have to pick her up and kiss her and hold her just tightly enough to satisfy me, but not as tightly as I want to, which, quite frankly, would probably break her.”
YES. Exactly, Jonna. EXACTLY. Thank you for putting it into words.
5. Beth Fish | June 17th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Owen has just started sleeping through the night – more or less – and I am thrilled. And crushed. He’s 16 months old, it is time, and I miss it so much. You are right that it will be over before you know it and as hard as it is, it is wonderful that you are able to enjoy it.
6. samantha jo campen | June 17th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
I’m all blinky and teary here too. Damn if I don’t want to rush into the nursery and pepper Theo’s belly with kisses RIGHT NOW.
The exhaustion sucks. Like, more than anyone can possibly explain. But yes. The good parts? The really good parts? Are the oxygen that we breathe.
Can’t wait to see her adorable little face. And EVERY mother has the most beautiful baby in the whole world, didn’t you know?
Hugs!
7. Diane | June 17th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Beautiful, Jonna. Absolutely beautiful. You have reminded me how much I need to savor all these moments. They pass so quickly and you remember so little it’s heartbreaking.
I told my 2yo today, when she wanted to play with me but NOT baby sister, that one day she would probably want to play with just baby sister and not mommy at all. “Oh, Mommy,” she said. “I’ll always want to play with you!” How I wish that were true.
8. metalia | June 17th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Oof, my heart.
Yes. EXACTLY.
9. TwoBusy | June 17th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Look at you, bein’ all sweet and achingly overflowing with love.
10. Kristi | June 17th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
I love this post. I am so very impressed that you are able to have that kind of perspective in the midst of it – I didn’t get to take that kind of breath until my 2nd. Being able to step outside of yourself and see it for what it is really is a gift.
11. Amy K | June 17th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
It’s all so ephemeral, isn’t it? I get teary-eyed every time I realize that my daughter will someday be too large to carry in my arms, clutched against my chest and abdomen like she’s still a part of my body. Gah. I cry when she cries in pain, because it hurts my heart, and I cry when she shows me her biggest gummy smile, because it’s the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened in the history of the universe. I don’t think anything can prepare you for the mushiness or complete miracle of motherhood.
Her favorite game is currently Kissy Monster. You never know when or where the noisy Kissy Monster might strike! It could be the tummy, or the nose, or the knees, or the cheeks – there’s just no telling until it happens. Anticipation drives her wild.
12. Teej | June 18th, 2009 at 1:29 am
Ahhhh. I needed that.
13. clickmom | June 18th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Yesterday I saw a woman I used to hang with when my extremely handsome from the day he was born 12 year old was under two. He’s always been completely gorgeous to me. This woman who I hadn’t seen in 10 years said “Wow, he really grew into his looks!” and I didn’t know what to say so I just said, “Well, I gotta go” and walked out of the place scratching my head.
14. Susan (Trout Towers) | June 18th, 2009 at 7:14 am
When our kids were babies, my husband said “everyone talks about how having kids changes your life forever. It’s true, but it’s like how putting in windows changes your house.”
15. Julie Momster | June 18th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Exactly the way I’ve been feeling. Exactly the way I feel every time I see her.
That was beautiful.
16. Sarah | June 18th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Few blog posts make me well up with tears, especially first thing in the morning when I’m happily sipping my coffee and have yet to be beaten down by the stresses of the day. But this? THIS? I’m blinking back gushy tears and feeling such anticipation to have this feeling one day. Thank you!
17. Kristi | June 18th, 2009 at 8:33 am
This is one of my most favorite posts I’ve ever read because YES! This is exactly how it feels! My daughter is almost 7. I can’t believe how fast it has gone, and I’m still blown away that I love her more every single day. Only now she gets annoyed when I give her too many hugs and kisses. I love watching her grow into the amazing little person that she is, but I wish I could go back to her baby days for just a little bit longer!!!
18. dawn | June 18th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Love this…well written. I needed this today…complained to someone at work a few moments ago about how I haven’t had more then 4 hours of sleep in years…(3 boys under the age of 5) b/c there is always someone up and about. I got upset around 3:30 this morning when he got up to go potty and wanted me to come…I felt bad about it…then he cuddled up with me and it all melted away. You are so right…it flies by! Enjoy the moment…
19. -R- | June 18th, 2009 at 8:45 am
When I am up in the middle of the night with B, i try to remember that it won’t always be like this, that I should enjoy the time holidng him shile I can, but it’s really hard for me to do that in the middle of the night. Expecially since he’s back to waking up ever 2 hours (teething!). I’m so glad you are able to do that. This whole post is incredibly sweet and just awesome.
I told several people before B was born that I hoped he was cute, and I wondered whether I would realize if he wasn’t cute, and those people looked at me like I was a total crazy person. Luckily I have the cutest baby *boy* in the world!
20. -R- | June 18th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Sorry for the horrible typing.
21. Jess | June 18th, 2009 at 9:09 am
OK, now I have to read this post to Torsten too. For balance, you know?
22. Kristen | June 18th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Thank you for sharing the positives! I am three months pregnant right now and sometimes I get overwhelmed reading all the negative stuff about being a parent that seems to consume most of many blogs. I have no illusions: I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am glad to know that there are people who acknowledge that the hard stuff is completely worth it! THANK YOU!
23. jonniker | June 18th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Kristen — It is worth it a thousand times over and then some. It IS. It’s just easier to talk about the bad stuff, because it’s stressful, and you have to vent. But the good FAR outweighs the bad. FAR. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. You have much to look forward to.
24. Notes from the Forest (Sandy) | June 18th, 2009 at 10:27 am
As the mom of four children (two boys, twin girls) who are now grown (university age), yes, enjoy every minute. It does indeed go much too quickly.
Kids are such a treasure – at any age.
Enjoying your blog!
Sandy
25. Christine | June 18th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Oh Jonna that was beautiful. As is your baby girl.
26. Kristin H | June 18th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
One of the reasons we decided to homeschool is that we want to spend that extra time with our kids — the time that otherwise they would be spending away from us, growing away from us. My husband mentioned the other day that in 10 years (only 10 years!) our 5-year-old daughter will not be wanting to spend much time with us any more. 10 years! My God!
I still constantly find myself thinking, Oh, I’ll remember how s/he does XXX. And then, of course, I don’t remember it at all. I have one of those 10-year Journals (http://tinyurl.com/n8lxly), and it’s wonderful for jotting down quick stuff that I would absolutely not remember otherwise.
27. The New Girl | June 18th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Oh, it’s SO TRUE. But it is good to hear it, to say it and to be aware of it. I try not to speed up time or wish away one pesky part of a stage because of all the awesome stuff that goes with it.
My girl’s limbs are starting to lengthen. She’s starting to thin out. She’s starting to look like a KID instead of a baby. It is incredible how different she looks and sounds over just the past few months. I don’t want to miss a minute.
Not a minute.
28. Moose | June 18th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Oh, I loved reading that. Thank you.
29. Toni | June 18th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Written so wonderfully and those of use who have been there do indeed get it. With my middle son I went 8.5 months without more than 5 hours of consecutive sleep, and there were exactly two 5-hour-stretches in that entire time. That was almost 7 years ago and I still remember the stats. It was brutal, but of course, would I trade him for anything? Never.
My youngest of 3 sons just turned 5 and I now have to struggle to remember these moments, though of course I still do have some of them. My 6-year-old ended up in our bed just last night, and you bet your ass I cherished that despite the annoyance at being awakened. I still laugh at the look my husband would give ME any time one of our newborns ripped one, as if to say, “HE couldn’t have made that sound so it had to have come from YOU.”
My favorite thing about parenting is laughing with my kids. It gets even sweeter as they go on, because while they outgrow delicious babyhood, one day they will make YOU laugh and it’s the best feeling ever.
I’m very happy for you, despite feeling your pain of sleep deprivation. I know how long you waited to be here and I’m glad you made it.
30. slynnro | June 18th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
You are so great at expressing your adoration of your child without making it offputting to nonparents.
31. Kristin | June 18th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
That was a beautiful post. My husband was extremely worried that our baby wouldn’t be cute when he was born. The thought never crossed my mind. Then he was born and we both thought he was of course, the most perfect child ever created. And we continued to think that through baby acne, horrific eczema, balding and hair regrowth spurts and underweight issues.
Recently we looked at some pictures of Will when he was about 3 or 4 months old and we just started laughing hysterically. Only parents could be so blinded by love to think that baby was beautiful! He seriously looked like a skinny, balding, bad complexioned, myopic accountant. I am happy to say that he is now a very cute 2.5 year old. Or at least I think he is…
32. Kristabella | June 19th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
That was so beautiful!
Now this makes my want to have babies, rough times and all!
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