I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish
June 28th, 2009
So! Celebrity deaths! You know, I have no real strong feelings on any of those who died, except that I liked Billy Mays, dammit, and could almost always be relied upon to buy whatever it was he was hawking. He stole my heart with OxyClean, and never gave it back. While I was vaguely moved by Michael Jackson’s passing, I have to say it was … well, it was mostly inevitable, right? I’m no Nostradamus, but that dude was not long for this world.
I’ve told you about my affinity for products that are as seen on TV, most notably the awful, awful sugaring wax kit debacle that I’m not even going to LINK to, that’s how awful it was. But if you were wondering, it involves getting sugar wax stuck inside … areas where Farrah Fawcett had cancer, and while yes, you probably saw a similar story tooting around the Internet as one of those jokey e-mails, as I did later, let me assure you, it actually happened to me, and probably happens every day to someone. The allure of an at-home bikini wax is like a siren song, especially after spending a good half-hour at 2 a.m. watching them show you how EASY it is!
Not unlike the infamous Epilady incident, wherein I was using it to … epilate? … my legs and the daughter of a family friend had her doll nearby, and was all, “Look, Baby Bubbles! Auntie Jonna’s shaving!” and gave Baby Bubbles a closer look at the whirring coils.
Baby Bubbles lost her life that day to the Epilady. May she rest in peace.
Also, if you didn’t know, the Epilady fucking HURTS. Or at least it did in the old style, which was basically exposed coils gyrating around and ripping your hair out at the roots, along with Baby Bubbles’ hair and ultimately, head. Yes, SURE, your leg hair doesn’t grow back for AGES, but you’d get the same result pouring flesh-eating acid directly onto your skin, and it would probably hurt quite a bit less.
By the by, to close the loop on something approximately no one was wondering about, I haven’t gone back to work yet, and have no plans to in the immediate future. This is … surprising to me, she of the hand-wringy-ness for years about how my whole IDENTITY was my JOB and no baby was going to TAKE THAT AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEE. Well well well, surprise surprise. You can plan absolutely nothing when it comes to having a baby, and since it works for us right now, it works for me, and yes, I’m aware of how lucky I am to get to make that choice.
Speaking of choices, one thing that is both fortunate and unfortunate is that I had my first baby a little later in life than some, at 33. In some ways, I deeply regret waiting so long, for had I known how much I was going to enjoy it, I could have saved myself years of preemptive identity crises and hand-wringing and annoying, introspective posts about how hard it was to decide whether to have children, because hell, what about that summer in Paris I’d always planned on? WHAT ABOUT FRANCE?
On the other hand, folks, let’s be glad I waited so long — or at least, Adam should be glad I waited so long — because if I’d started earlier, I guarantee you that I’d have five children by now, begging Adam to get going on the sixth and seventh and maybe EIGHTH. Jonna & Adam Plus 8! Take THAT Jon & Kate! Or Kate! And, uh, Jon! Alone! Whatever! At this rate, and at my age, it’s likely we’ll cap out at two. Uh, maybe three. (Adam is shitting himself in the corner somewhere, but I am allowing for twins, okay?) (Or maybe I just want three. I don’t know.) Not that having more is bad — au contraire — but really, two is fine, and all I really wanted before I started this whole journey, and eight would have been a creepy biological urge beyond my comprehension, rather than something I approached with logic and the intimate knowledge of our financial situation.
Then again, if you’d told me before Sam was here that I’d have a baby who screams all the time, has colic AND reflux and that I would be co-sleeping and exclusively breastfeeding, I’d probably have laughed directly in your face. Ah, life plans. The most useless pieces of shit imaginable, but not in a bad way.
And with that, I’ll leave you with a photo of my girl out for a walk with her daddy. The whole walk, Adam kept sending me photos of her in funny poses with captions like, ‘Getting a passport’ (in front of the post office), ‘Saw Up. Loved it.’ (in front of the movie theater). This one, alas, was simply titled, ‘Miss you!’
And, uh, I missed them, too. It’s been a rough road in more ways than I can even go into, but after all of it, man, it’s way better than I ever could have anticipated.
Happy Monday!
*The Smiths
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
34 Comments Add your own
1. page | June 28th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
It’s funny, but this is the response all of my friends are having to waiitng/ having kids. The response that makes 35 year-old me want to try even harder (if that is possible) to have kids, and soon. And yet I keep thinking, “If it happens this month, then i’ll be back to work at this time…” while secretly knowing that I would not want to go back. Maybe. Cos who knows.
That being said, ADORABLE. She and her baby lips and her baby cheeks and, well, everything are absolutely adorable. And pretty background too!
2. Sarah | June 28th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
The not going back to work? I did that too. I was 9 months out of business school, a freshly minted MBA, ridiculously ambitious, didn’t want to be a SAHM, it just wasn’t who I was, ETC. When my son was 4 months old I put him in daycare anticipating my imminent return to Corporate America.
And then it hit me that I was really fucking happy at home with my baby boy and why would I mess with that when I didn’t need to. It was the supreme “ah-ha” moment. And here we are nearly 2 years later and if given the decision to make again, I would totally make the same choice.
3. Linda | June 28th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
I think one of the nicer things I’ve learned from parenthood is that I get to decide what’s meaningful to me and what makes up my identity. I have kids, I work, I stay home, I have hobbies, I do other shit, it’s all . . . you know, A RICH TAPESTRY. It seems like the silver lining of sometimes feeling pulled in a million directions— which is the inevitable fate of any parent—you sort of grok the fact that one particular pursuit need not define you as a person.
4. Amy K | June 29th, 2009 at 12:42 am
What a nice place to take a walk! Re: Epilady, my mother-in-law used her Epilady twice in the 80s and HER LEG HAIR NEVER GREW BACK. Isn’t that weird? I can’t describe how jealous I am.
5. SwingCheese | June 29th, 2009 at 3:27 am
You know, I always thought I’d want to be a SAHM, but I found myself surprisingly ready to go back to work. I’m planning on working only part time as soon as my husband is done with school, but over the course of maternity leave and summer (I’m a teacher), I have realized that I enjoy the professional me too much to give her up completely. Motherhood definitely inspired me to become much clearer about my professional boundaries, though.
I think children benefit when their parents (moms usually, but dads too, in some cases) are able to have the option to work outside or stay at home. When a parent is forced to do one but would prefer to do the other is when resentment starts to build and that is what children pick up on. Generally, happy parents = happy children. Enjoy your munchkin time
6. Jess | June 29th, 2009 at 8:56 am
This is so cute and now I want babies. And I mean NOW.
7. -R- | June 29th, 2009 at 9:26 am
She is so cute! She looks like she is making a motorboat noise- does she do that yet?
I love reading about how much you love being a mom.
8. Lauren | June 29th, 2009 at 10:27 am
We’re the same age and I’ve had the exact same thought: if I’d known how happy this makes me, I’d have done it sooner. But, at the same time, it would have been a lot harder earlier. I’m a working mom who doesn’t have much of a choice about it (Los Angeles = expensive), but I’m surprisingly okay with it. I do think part-time work would be ideal, though. But I’ve seriously never had so many conscious thoughts of “I’m happy” in my whole life. It’s encouraging to me that you can still feel this way after having such a rough go of it. I’m convinced your experience will be my experience the next time around, since my kid is so easy. I’m terrified of it, but that you’re happy despite it all, eases my fears some (of course there’s no predicting, but I’m seriously convinced you get one easy and one hard).
Side question: you were wondering a while back if she was teething? Was she? I’m trying to figure out if that’s what’s going on with my baby or if he’s just going through a fussy period.
9. jakki | June 29th, 2009 at 10:56 am
oh my…she is beautiful! LOL, I love this
“Ah, life plans. The most useless pieces of shit imaginable, but not in a bad way. ”
Say it LOUDLY!
10. bessie.viola | June 29th, 2009 at 11:47 am
She is so lovely, Jonna, really. She is a doll-baby.
Life plans are just a bunch of useless shit, but oh – the surprises we get when they don’t work out just so!
Glad that you’re able to stay home and that it makes you happy… it’s so nice to hear someone who’s happy with their choice and not condemning others for not making the same.
11. Kristin H | June 29th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Oh, how sweet! What a cutie.
You’re right about life plans: they’re just as useful as birth plans, in my opinion. For me, part-time is ideal. I never thought I would want to stay home FT and indeed, I do not. But I DO love being able to be home some of the time. It just takes so much stress off the frantic get-everything-done-in-the-weekend mindset that we have when one of us isn’t home part time. After I had my 2nd kid, I gave up my freelancing business (that I had in addition to working FT) altogether. There are just not enough hours in the day.
12. Hilary | June 29th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
The pictures with the captions Adam sent are awesome — and totally help with the crazy thing that happens when you finally get a break from the baby … you can’t stop THINKING about and MISSING the baby.
13. michele | June 29th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
ok, honey–you are going to have to elaborate on this some more(the part about wanting 8 kids and loving all of it an all that, not the staying home part, i say be happy)–i have read your blog since before you were pregnant, follow you on twitter–i kinda feel like 98% of the things you have written about being pregnant and a new mother have been AWFUL. (this is not accusatory in any way–for reals!) the things you have written have made me say “meh, maybe i can just be childless” (full disclosure i am married and 30 yrs old). it has seemed that horrendous for you. it has been outright painful to “watch” you suffer. i feel very bad for you ALL THE TIME. and now you want lots o babies and it is a good thing you are probably too old to make that many?! i am stumped. please elaborate on this. please please.
*huh, not that you owe me any of this as some randomass reader.
14. Lasha | June 29th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
First: ADORABLE picture!
When I was pregnant I actually thought I would be disappointed in myself if I considered NOT going back to work. But then . . .
I enjoyed being a mom much more than I thought I would, and then we moved while I was still on mat leave, and it seemed like such a chore to apply for a teaching job here . . . Now she’s 2 and I’m still happy with my choice (and the fact that we are in a position so I can have this choice).
I should learn that nothing turns out the way I plan. But still the planning and stressing will continue.
15. jonniker | June 29th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
HA. Michele, it’s hard and it sucks and it’s HARD. But even at its hardest, it is still the most awesome thing I’ve ever done. I think almost any parent will tell you the same thing, challenging baby or no. Truly. Even the hardest parts of it are amazing, because it’s your baby! And she’s funny and cute! And really, there are a remarkable amount of awesome moments in every day. There are. I promise.
And none of the shitty phases have lasted forever. I do realize that — they haven’t, and they won’t. Go on! Breed! You won’t regret it. I swear.
16. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | June 29th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I haven’t been back to full time work since my now 7 year old was six months old. I am not sure how (if)(one day)(maybe) how I’ll ever go back. Heck, I’m not even sure what in the world I’d do if I went back! I can’t be a newspaper editor again. Just cannot!
That girl of yours…scrumptious! How have you not eaten her up yet?
17. Krisitna | June 29th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
She is so freakin’ cute! No wonder The Screaming is worth it
I am envious, I have to admit, that you have the choice to stay home. I hope to be able to one day. I jumped back into work, thinking that was what I wanted, and right about the time I realized I might rather be at home was the same time I realized that our financial decisions (the big ones, y’know, house, car, boat) were based on our 2-income life…and now I’m stuck. Part-time would be great, but hardly covers childcare costs. But most importantly, I’m still happy, and our son LOVES his babysitter, so I think (hope) we’ll all come out of it with minimal trauma!
18. michele | June 29th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
thanks jonniker! or should i say jonna? whatever.
i like “go on, breed!” that is kind of awesome. i guess i will have to experience it myself to truly understand.
19. aly | June 29th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
i think michele and i are going to hide outside your windows and peer in b/c i felt/feel the same way she does. i’m staring at 30, am married and are completely perplexed by the “huh. i just dont get how it’s FUN. you’re tired, overwhelmed and yet it’s overshadowed by the cute?”. my brain is just not computing.
but “go on, breed” is something my MIL would totally chant to me while sleeping, hee.
(also? Samantha doesnt *just* have my favorite name of all time, but MY GOD she is GORGEOUS and looks so much like you!)
20. Danell | June 29th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
You know, I used to read Swistle’s blog and think “how in the WORLD does somebody ever want 5 kids??” (No offense meant to Swistle, either!) And now, three and a half months after the birth of my second baby, I have NO PROBLEM seeing how that happens. And she’s been a colicy-refluxy-screamy-nonsleeper, too. (Er, my second baby, not Swistle.) My age is the ONLY reason I won’t be having any more…I’ll be 38 this year and I am almost 100% sure that I would fall apart like an old jalopy if I got pregnant again. Seriously, there are bits and pieces that are just NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME after two pregnancies in my 30s. And I’m pretty damned disappointed that I won’t be going for a 3rd.
And I’m saying all of this after yet another sleepless night with the colicy baby….SOMEHOW IT IS STILL JUST THAT AWESOME, PEOPLE.
21. Danell | June 29th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Also, Samantha’s cheeks are Movie-Star Adorable.
22. Christine | June 29th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
I’ve got nothing to say on identity or life crises, but jeez louise, does that kid have some cute freaking cheeks. Love her expression in this one!
23. Shana | June 30th, 2009 at 1:52 am
Epilady? The general name for this type of device is “epilator,” and they can still be found on Amazon, etc., with a design much less likely to pinch than the Epilady’s coil. Mine’s made by Braun, and though it hurt like a MOTHER the first time I used it, the pain quickly tapered off, and now it doesn’t bother me at all. It’s a faster pull than with waxing, and hurts less, even at the beginning. I’d marry my Braun if it wouldn’t make all the ultra-conservatives freak out.
And the pic of Sam on the walk with Adam makes me yearn for my homeland (born and raised in NH, now living in OK). *sigh*
24. TwoBusy | June 30th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Twins?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
25. metalia | June 30th, 2009 at 8:07 am
So, this: “Ah, life plans. The most useless pieces of shit imaginable, but not in a bad way.” needs to be on a shirt. Or a bumper sticker. Or…or..I don’t know, SOMEplace. I, too, was all “I will NEVER marry/have kids young! What about my plans to backpack through Europe, write my memoirs, and become a successful patent attorney?!” And…here we are. I’ve never seen any part of Europe that isn’t prominently featured on The Spectacular Depression-Inducing School Holocaust Trip of Spectacularly Depressing Sadness, my only “writing” is blog-related, and my law school aspirations are…well, wherever Baby Bubbles has gone off to, And you know what? I swear to you, I regret no aspect of the course my life has taken, and I couldn’t be happier with my lot. And there’s something deeply satisfying in realizing your life is in no way what you expected it to be, but is still, in its own way, perfect.
26. Mauigirl | June 30th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Great update as always, and I’m so glad you are staying home with Sam for now. There is plenty of time to work, only one babyhood. She’s adorable!
Love the Epilady story, I’m snorting here at my desk…
27. jen from boston | June 30th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
“Ah, life plans. The most useless pieces of shit imaginable, but not in a bad way. ”
Love this.
28. Sarah | June 30th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
It’s interesting to hear that what you thought you would do after baby (going back to work) completely changed. As someone who’s pregnant and thinking through all the possibilities – full time, part time, no (work) time — it hardly seems fair that we have to make a decision about a situation for which we have no frame of reference. Who knows where our mindset will be once we’re In It?? And yet…I’ve decided to tell myself that whatever I think I’ll want will end up being completely opposite of what I actually want once I experience the day-to-day of having a child.
29. Kristabella | July 1st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Man, she is just so adorable! That helps when you have the colic and the screaming!
When I was growing up, back in college and my 20s, I was so career oriented. I wanted to be the first woman PR Director in the NFL. I was going to bust down glass ceilings. And then I got burn out. And as I got older, all I want now is to be a stay at home mom. But seeing as I’m currently single with two cats, that doesn’t seem like much of a reality.
But the psychic in NOLA told me I’m going to have a good marriage, within 2 years, and will have 2 kids. I’m also supposed to meet this person in the next 2 months.
30. Stinkypaw | July 1st, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I hadn’t been here in ages, so imagine my surprise when I read and saw your beautiful daughter! Congrats!
31. Carmen | July 1st, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Ah, so much of this I could have written in relation to me. I also waited until I was 33 to have my first child (I had my second 2 days before my 36th birthday). We waited, first because we were both in school getting our PhDs which is stressful and excruciatingly time-consuming (12 hr days, 6 days/wk) and then afterward because we had the amazing opportunity to work in Europe for 3 years in a country with 7 weeks vacation every year. We travelled the world while we had the chance, then came home to Canada and settled in our jobs & new life before having kids.
I’m extremely lucky to live in a country where we have a paid one year maternity/parental leave. For 27 of those 52 weeks, I get 95% salary thanks to the university that I work at; for the remainder of the year, I get ~55% of my salary through employment insurance and the federal government. My job is secure and will be waiting when I return. I feel so thankful that I get to spend that first year with my kids without having to worry about heading back to work after a teensy tiny number of weeks.
I’m at home now with my 9 month old, Lexi, and time is flying by – I can understand the desire to have just one more. Even with The Screaming and The Not-Sleeping and The Whining and The Potty Training. But sadly, I think now that I’m almost 37, we’re done. But having kids was the absolute most wonderful mind-bendingly awesome thing we’ve ever done. And ever will do.
32. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com | July 2nd, 2009 at 10:47 am
You know, at the beginning of this post, I had something witty to say about celebrity deaths and OxyClean or Britney Spears’ twitter account or something, but then I got to the bottom and now all I can think is: GOODNESS, that’s an adorable baby!!
33. Carrie | July 6th, 2009 at 7:42 am
I love the “life plans” comment, too!
34. BIRD25DALE | March 8th, 2010 at 2:18 pm
Some time before, I needed to buy a building for my firm but I didn’t have enough cash and could not buy something. Thank God my brother adviced to try to get the business loans from trustworthy bank. So, I did so and used to be satisfied with my auto loan.
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