That Was Your Mother
July 9th, 2009
First of all, I LOVE the name discussion going on down there, so please, keep it up. I also love that no one stuck their foot in their mouth and was all, “What kind of douchebag names their kid MASON?” and then a flame war breaks out, because Mason is about more than just jars, you know. Mason is PEOPLE, kind of like Soylent Green, but not, you know, edible.
(For the record, I love the name Mason, and just pulled it out of my ass for the sake of illustration up there.)
So! Because I have TIME and because oh my God THREE WHOLE POSTS IN ONE WEEK, STOP THE PRESSES, I’m going to list some, uh, random facts/issues that have been swirling around here lately. Some I’ve said elsewhere, some I haven’t.
1) I don’t think Michael Jackson was in any way, shape, or form a child molester. I think he was a fucked up, seriously lonely guy who was basically unable to relate to anyone in the world. Yes, he had some very serious issues and made some highly questionable decisions, but I honestly believe they were undertaken innocently. I mean, dude had NO CHILDHOOD, so yeah, I think he liked to be around kids,and maybe not in the most appropriate way, but … I don’t know, the words “arrested development” come to mind whenever I think of him.
Also, last time I checked, he was acquitted, and it bothers me that some of the same people who praise our justice system were the same people who continue to scream that he’s a dirty, dirty molester. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t planning to send Sam on an overnight trip to Neverland or anything, but … oh I don’t know. I just thought some of the comments were super mean-spirited, and I don’t know why I even care. I know, I said I had no real feelings on the topic, but seeing people react to the whole thing made me angry. Like mental illness is okay in some contexts, but not others and MY MY, we can be vicious about it.
2) I had a very unfortunate Stroller Incident today involving an overly weighted stroller, a door, and a lot of orange soda. Also, some screaming, “OH GOD, OH GOD” as I watched my kid pitch headfirst toward the floor, caught in the nick of time by the clerk at the five and dime. Worst moment of my life so far. And maybe the reason I’m afraid to go back to that store, ever, which is hard to do in a small town.
I mean, she would have obviously survived and been FINE, as the fall was all of like, uh, two feet and not even at that point, but you know, she was all DANGLING THERE and I was POURING ORANGE SODA ALL OVER HER in a desperate attempt to wrangle the whole mess and I forgot to throw the bottle down first, and the whole thing up and … oh God. She was ORANGE. I have never felt like such a bad parent, and I’ve cried about it approximately 9,786 times today. Because really, almost dumping her on the floor is bad enough, but basting her in a nice coating of Diet Sunkist is another, and what kind of idiot doesn’t put the BOTTLE DOWN before tending to her CHILD?
(I don’t even have an answer for this, except that I was apparently flustered and stupid. Not, you know, worried more about my Sunkist than my kid.)
And of course, she has a huge gash on her cheek from her own FINGERNAILS and the lady asked me about it, probably because she had one finger on the phone to call child protective services. (Though really, she was very nice.) Sam’s fine, and yes, I know, there are worse things, but GAH GAH GAH. Clearly, I am not fine, and am stuck having the only beer we had in the house which is … Bud Light. Because we’re classy.
3) We ordered Showtime for Big Brother After Dark. Well, and Dexter, but wouldn’t you believe it’s not starting until SEPTEMBER? Anyway, this is embarrassing on every level possible, not the least of which is that we WATCH Big Brother, but let me say that I don’t know where either one of us thinks we’re going to find the TIME to watch such pathetic shenanigans, but that one of us will have a bit more time than the other, ahem.
4) Once, when Sam was a newborn, I stuck the thermometer in my daughter’s girl parts instead of her hind parts. It was the first time I ever thought that maybe I wouldn’t be a natural parent, because for crying out loud, I couldn’t even put a THERMOMETER in the right place. Oh, and in case you were wondering, it was a degree higher. Vaginas are warmer than butts? We may never know for sure.
5) I think horror movie previews should be regulated, because honest to freakin’ God, if I see the preview for Orphan one more time, I am going to pee myself from bald terror. Just call me Tipper.
I could go on about things like Mrs. Meyer’s products (Love! But why so SCENTED? And I LIKE scent!), artisanal butter (BUTTTTTTEEEER), Top Chef Masters (Kelly Choi YOU SUCK, and I am done with you), but alas, there is no room for additional mundanity. (Look at me! Makin’ up words and shit!)
Happy weekend!
*Paul Simon. Am obviously on Graceland kick and it’s The New Girl’s fault.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
43 Comments Add your own
1. Kate | July 9th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Every single parent in the universe has at least one “I dropped my baby at the Five and Dime and also bathed her with Diet Sunkist rather than rescuing her” moment. Every. Single. Parent. Including Michelle Obama and Michael Jackson and everyone in between.
I love the name discussion so, so much. The dash-a names are KILLING me.
2. Trish | July 9th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Oh Lord. I had to delurk and tell you that this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long, long time.
2 – totally normal! I have done the same thing. It’s not that the Sunkist was more important. No, it’s the HOLY CRAP WHY CAN I NOT MOVE? WHY AM I WATCHING THIS IN SLO-MO? syndrome. Someday you’ll laugh. I promise.
3 – I may, or may not, know someone else watching this trainwreck.
4 – I had to explain to my father in law why I was laughing so hard. The look on his face was almost as good.
5 – totally agree. Ever since I became a mom I can’t watch scary movies. gah!
Anyway, wow, I’ll shut up now. Just wanted to say (in a long way) that you crack me up!
3. Laurin | July 9th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Ha, taking the vagina temp really got me. I didn’t see that coming. I love multi-topic posts for that very reason.
I agree about Michael Jackson. People give me the “are you kidding me?” look when I say similar things, but I just think he never progressed past being a child, and children have sleepovers. Weird and inappropriate when you’re 40, true, but not really the actions of a predatory molester trying to be sneaky.
4. Blythe | July 9th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
My husband has to literally cover his eyes and ears and sing “lalalalalala” when those previews come on TV, and last night there were two in a row and he actually squealed and hid his head under a pillow.
5. amandam | July 9th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Wow, you two have really had a time of it lately – Night of the Homeless River People and now unintended baptism by orange soda! Seriously, I applaud you for handling it all the way you do, with healthy perspective and humor. I wouldn’t be able to, which is likely why I don’t have kids – but in an alternate reality of some sort, my picks for names would be Judy or Penny (Penelope) for girls – totally inspired by “Lost in Space” on both counts, and what alternate-reality daughter wouldn’t highly appreciate that? – or Sean or Ray (or possibly Will Robinson or Dr. Smith) for bots. Boys, I mean, boys.
Totally agree about Michael Jackson.
6. -R- | July 9th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
The only person I have told about my worst parenting moment so far is my husband. It wasn’t that horrible, B was fine, but I sat in a rocking chair with him and held him and cried afterwards, so … good times.
I actually agree with you on Michael Jackson. I think he was a really easy person to accuse too because (1) he is known for being “off” – I mean, his nickname was Wacko Jacko, and (2) he had a ton of money. I don’t know if he did anything wrong, but I am unwilling to assume that he did, and I am not even a fan of his.
7. She Likes Purple | July 9th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Whoa, what’s wrong with Bud Light?
8. Hilary | July 9th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Re: Michael Jackson — did you noticed that his accusers only took him to civil court, not criminal court? (Unlike the Goldmans in the OJ case.) If you truly believed your child had been molested, would you not take that person to every court possible and pursue them endlessly? So, yeah, I think he was a strange, strange man with lots of money, and people took advantage of him.
I have never even attempted getting my kids’ temp anywhere below their belly buttons, so you get an A for effort … if not accuracy.
9. slynnro | July 9th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I have to correct Hilary- there were criminal proceedings. And I agree with Jonna- I don’t think he did it either. And Jonna, you know what I do for a living (I think you do anyway, I mean not just a lawyer, but specific job?) and the day after I had defense attorneys coming in calling all of my victims a bunch of liars that made up the assault charges on their defendants. Meanwhile, they are in my office calling MJ a molestor and pervert and pedophile. I was ENRAGED to say the least. He was acquitted, and the accuser in that case he settled for $25M has recanted his story.
10. Karl | July 9th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Unlax, Doc.
I still get hassled about the time #2 boy was in a pillow fight in the basement and got his head bounced off a sharp edge, blood everywhere, and I wouldn’t let him off the steps into the bathroom because it was DRIPPING and was going to DRIP ON THE CARPET and just give me the STUPID TOWEL first and I’ll wrap it up so he can cross, no dear, give me the towel FIRST, and NO kiddo, you CAN’T get off the steps I don’t care if you’re bleeding, you’re not squirting, wait until I get a towel so you don’t drip on the carpet …
The other neighborhood boys treated me very cautiously for a long time afterwards. I don’t know why.
11. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | July 9th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
OK, honestly, I know I’m still getting to know you, but I wasn’t even through the first sentence of your first bullet point when I wanted to scream out my love for you, or at least ask if you wanted to hang out and watch junk TV. We subscxribed to HBO just for True Blood this season because we felt this time around, we should at least view it on the up and up. Well, my husband did because he travels constantly and could watch it while at his various hotels. My viewing of it may have been a wee bit shady. Anyway, if I could swing it, I’d toss in Showtime, too, because I weep for missing Dexter. Honestly.
Finally, fist bumps on the Kelly Choi thing, too. Seriously. Let’s hang out.
12. little miss mel | July 9th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Um, I have never seen a preview for Orphan until i looked up at the TV the moment BEFORE I read #5. Way Bizarre.
And that movie is a hundred time CREEPY btw.
13. Minze | July 10th, 2009 at 12:35 am
The Sunkist incident – I’d look at it this way: you prioritized helping your child over saving the Sunkist. You win! As far as fight-or-flight and must-save-brood responses go, this is one to be proud of. OK, so your child did look a bit spectacular afterwards, but kids ARE washable, and in four years’ time she will WANT to be showered with Sunkist.
14. anne | July 10th, 2009 at 3:06 am
TOTALLY agree with you on MJ.
15. jonniker | July 10th, 2009 at 6:55 am
Jennie: HA. Nothing wrong with Bud Light except that it tastes like water to me. It’s Adam’s favorite beer — he’s not a beer drinker by nature and it’s nice and thirst quenching for him. Because, as I keep pointing out, it tastes like WATER.
16. kakaty | July 10th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying that about MJ. I found that when I started to say the same thing people around me would be all “but you’re a MOTHER!” like being a parent would change my view on how what I saw as a mental illness should be treated.
And also Kelly Choi does suck and makes Top Chef almost unbearable…if it weren’t for the fact that there is nothing else on TV right now I would totally be boycotting the show.
17. Kristin H | July 10th, 2009 at 7:48 am
You know what I love? The Paul Simon/Psymon tie in. Was that on purpose?
18. Shelly | July 10th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Yes, every parent has one of those, “I dropped the kid; I suck” moments. I let my two-yr-old tumble out of our SUV because I didn’t LOOK IN THE DAMN WINDOW to see that he had his little body pressed up against the door. So, yeah, we’ve all been there.
19. Hillary | July 10th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Laughed out loud at the taking of the vagina temperature.
20. TwoBusy | July 10th, 2009 at 8:23 am
All I can say is thank god it wasn’t Orange Crush, because that shit eats right through human skin. It’s like Alien blood.
21. mar | July 10th, 2009 at 8:30 am
the whole thermometer things ain’t so bad. we had a new physician’s assistant here in the gi clinic and as the nurses tell it, she misplaced herself doing a dre (digital rectal exam for the unschooled). and you know exactly where she put it.
as far as the names go (sorry, haven’t read that post yet!), i give you:
blueberrie morningsnow (last name is her married name)
candy morningstar (a m2f’s legal name)
divine-koch (a married couple’s name)
and my coworker’s fave of all time (she keeps a list)
miaomiao miao
22. bessie.viola | July 10th, 2009 at 8:33 am
My Diet Sunkist moment entails me, standing at the top of the staircase with my daughter, holding her hand. She wants to go DOWN, GOO GO GO DOWN, and I say sure, but you have to turn around, on hands & knees, remember?
So she lets go of my hand (to turn around, I presume, as she has a thousand times before) and then she takes a step. OFF THE STAIRS. And subsequently goes TUMBLING DOWN TEN STAIRS, thankfully rolling sideways and not end-over-end as I scream hysterically, immobile.
The rest of the day included sobbing, much hugging, refusal to put her down (which was quite irritating to her, as she was 16mos at the time) and repeated questioning of my husband: “Do you think she has a concussion? Should we take her to the hospital? Oh my God, they’re going to KEEP HER.”
She was fine. She didn’t even have a bump or bruise.
But thinking about it? I still want to throw up.
23. Jess | July 10th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I hate horror movie previews. HATE. I agree they should be regulated so wimps like me can avoid them at all costs. Or at least they should come with a warning so I can mute the TV and leave the room.
24. Kristina | July 10th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I am also loving the name discussion, and wish I had time to read all the comments. And the dash names? I mean really, people, how can you hate your child that much when they are just a little baby?
Anyway, here is my “The Awful Mommy in the Store” story. My husband was called out of town unexpectedly for work this mother’s day. I decided I was going to go get myself a bottle of wine and relax after Little Man went to bed. So off we went to the store. I picked out my bottle of wine, and right as I was placing it in the cart, my son twacked his mouth on the side of the cart and started bleeding. Moral of the story? When you walk through the check-out line with a cart full of wine and a bleeding child, expect to get some odd looks.
25. Rhi | July 10th, 2009 at 8:48 am
I SWEAR to you that Kelly Choi used to be on some Saturday Morning Teen Program. But, I just checked her IMDB and it’s not on there. Clearly, this embarrasses her and she had those acting credits expunged.
But, I know it was her. I know it.
26. jonniker | July 10th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Kakaty: Someone actually said to me that I couldn’t understand the Michael Jackson thing because I don’t have small boys. Ummmm …
First off, any person, parent or non-parent gets that fear. Second? I have a little GIRL. And she said it as though little girls aren’t subjected to sexual assault, ever. Which … riiiiight. I wish that were true.
Rhi: I THINK YOU ARE RIGHT. It all makes SENSE. She totally looks like a Saved By the Bell-type thing.
27. Kristin | July 10th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Totally agree with you on the MJ thing. Just a very sad situation all around. Also–Kelly Choi and basically the whole concept of Top Chef Masters just sucks. It is so boring! I miss the old show.
And thanks for the suggestion Jonna, but I will probably not name the baby L-a, although it is rather brilliant. And economical.
Here is my bizarre baby name story. I wasn’t going to write about this because no one in my real life believes this happened, but I SWEAR it did. I was sitting in the doctor’s office the other day, waiting for a prenatal appointment. The woman next to me was pregnant too and we started to talk. Everything was going fine until we started to talk about potential baby names. She is planning to name her daughter Queen Renee. Not joking. I said, oh, that’s really interesting…are you naming her after someone special? And she said, well yes, Queen Renee! WTF? I had her spell it because I thought I was mishearing. Does anyone know a Queen Renee?
28. iheartgreen | July 10th, 2009 at 9:58 am
You crack me up! #4) made me choke on my coffee. I sincerely appreciate you writing about it. Of course this is from the person who for a very long time (teenage years) was convinced that she didn’t have a hole there despite having a period and everything. Oh and I completely agree with #5) because, dude, the little girl in that movie is giving me nightmares.
29. » Blog Archive &raq&hellip | July 10th, 2009 at 10:51 am
[...] commented on Jonniker’s post today that I was PRETTY SURE that Kelly Choi from Top Chef Masters used to be on some Saturday Morning [...]
30. Jen | July 10th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Seriously, #4? HILARIOUS. I just had to bust out the rectal thermometer the other night (not for temp. taking but for poop encouragement) and I was a little traumatized by it honestly. I just want to stick to the arm pit from now on.
Totally with you on MJ. The whole thing is just so sad.
31. The New Girl | July 10th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I just laughed out loud at the ‘more worried about my Sunkist than my kid.’ OMFG.
NOT that I’m laughing at the horrible, horrible moment that was for you. Those moments make me sick to my stomach. One of mine was when TLNG was a little older and she was standing in one of those little kid-put a quarter in-ride things. I was leaning into it and she backed up and almost fell STRAIGHT BACKWARD out the other side, with the back of her head meeting the concrete/tile mall floor. two feet below. I managed to catch her, roughly, but I had that awful metal taste in my mouth, while my heart POUNDED.
Those moments SUCK ASS.
32. Suebob | July 10th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
You are going to do far worse things to your daughter (I almost said “Sunny.” You know where my mind is). Like those outfits you are going to pick out for her in third grade. Or forcing her to be seen in public with you when she is 15.
33. Penny | July 11th, 2009 at 11:07 am
and what kind of idiot doesn’t put the BOTTLE DOWN before tending to her CHILD?
Brittany Spears?
We’ve all had those moments, I think: child in danger, MUST SAVE DRINK / FOOD / CELL PHONE / whatever. I sure have, anyway.
34. Penny | July 11th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Uh, brittany spears was supposed to be sarcastic, but somehow the ‘just kidding’ part of my comment (was in ‘) got erased…
35. Penny | July 11th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Damnit! Can I not put in a sideways carrot without it getting erased? It was a sideways carrot, damnit: <
36. Jennifer | July 11th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
I’m with you on Michael Jackson.
37. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | July 12th, 2009 at 7:46 am
I totally agree with you about the horror movie thing. I hate it when I am watching a sporting event or Top Chef and the kids look up and see something that would give ME nightmares.
And I disagree (respectfully) on the Michael Jackson thing. I would prefer to believe he was innocent, but I don’t.
38. monkey | July 13th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Thank you! I think MJ was criminally stupid, an inter-stellar space alien and a good dancer, but I don’t think he was a child molester. When I voice this opinion most people act like I just ate a puppy in front of them and heiled to Hitler.
39. Kristabella | July 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
I agree on Michael Jackson. He was a messed up, creepy dude (HAVE YOU SEEN THE PHOTOS FROM THE RAID ON HIS HOUSE? Child mannequins. It’s creepy, creepy, creepy.) But I’m not sure he did anything wrong. He was really a child and I think he enjoyed being around other children.
I read all the updates on jokersupdates.com for the BB stuff since I don’t have Showtime. I know, it’s sad to READ it.
I’m not a Padma fan, but why did Top Chef change it up? It makes no sense because Kelly Choi is HORRIBLE.
40. Jeanne B. | July 14th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
1) I agree
2) Just look sheepish and say, “I’m new at this”.
3) September? That’s so far away!!!
4) Ooops.
5) ME TOO! I mean, WTF?!?
41. iamthediva | July 17th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
LOL, that was some quality blogging gold! i popped over via Fivestarfriday.com
42. djbeat | July 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
omg you are hilarious. there – my first rave post to someone i`ve never met (linked from fivestarfriday.com)…
1 there will be a tell all book in 50 yrs
2 i expect many ohgod.ohgod.ohgod moments – but am getting panicky just thinking about it
3 sigh – dexter
4 another reason to be glad i have a boy
5 the freaking things just sneak up on you too!! you expect a nice sandwich bag ad or minute on smoking cessation & instead they scare the living crap out of you in under 30 seconds & leave you crying in a puddle on the couch unable to even turn off the tv.
43. Heather | July 17th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
1. i’m getting a little jealous of the raw emotion produced by motherhood, simply because it then leads to such great writing.
2. i can see how the orange-ness of your daughter would really heighten the passion of the situation. unnatural color, sort of psychedelic, playing on your already high tension level. . . yep.
3. as far as i’m concerned, my entire life is a graceland kick.
thanks for writing! that was fun.
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