Fat-Bottomed Girls
July 26th, 2009
Aaaand, we’re back from vacation, and y’all, it was surprisingly lovely. Really. With Adam freed from the shackles of full-time employment, he was able to help so much that despite my primary baby-wrangling responsibilities, I was able to relax during her downtime. I took long showers! I stared into space! I read my first post- baby-yet-non-baby-related BOOK*! Yes, fine, it was only ONE, whereas on pre-kid vacations I read approximately twenty, but whatever. It was seriously great, is what I’m saying.
*By the way, the book I read was The Girls, a choice I later regretted, as I threw it into my bag as an afterthought, thinking I’d NEVER have time to read. It was … well, it was middle-aged women’s fiction, is what it was. I’m shocked it hasn’t been an Oprah selection. I mean, it was good, it was well written, it was fine, but it was just one of THOSE books, you know what I’m saying? Like The Memory Keeper’s Daughter, it was TRYING to be what it was. This is possibly why I love Elizabeth Berg so much — her stories are beautifully written and though they are sometimes implausible, they are usually written about simple people and simple events. Not, you know, conjoined twins. Gah.
Anyway. Onto daily dashes, because literally nothing on my mind is remotely contiguous or related!
– The people of Carbondale, Pennsylvania, are among the most downtrodden-looking I have ever seen. Seriously, people of Carbondale? Are you beaten with sticks nightly? Is that a hairshirt you’re wearing? Do you have a celice belt underneath your pants? Yes, I REALIZE your local economy isn’t doing well, and uh, hasn’t been since the 1970s (hello, Billy Joel’s Allentown), but I left your Weis market feeling downright DEPRESSED. All of your eyes were DEAD. DEAD. Oh, Lackawanna County. You have left some people BEHIND, yo. Maybe you should reinvent yourself? Is the anthracite museum REALLY that big of a draw?
– My family’s ski-slash-lake house is easily my favorite place in the world, and I wish I could bring you all there with me. Yes, yes, it’s in Deliverance-like land (near the gleaming four-street metropolis of Forest City, PA), but oh, it’s so beautiful. Seriously, there’s nothing like falling asleep to the sound of bullfrogs and crickets. And I mean that sincerely. I can’t wait for my kid(s) to be old enough that I can take them swimming in the lake and raspberry picking on the old railroad tracks-turned-hiking trails. Even if there is no goddamn cable or WiFi. (Seriously, Dad? WHYYYYY?)
– Despite having grown up going to this house for virtually my entire life, I was downright PETRIFIED sleeping there at night this trip. To maximize sleep for everyone, and because Sam sleeps with me, Adam and I took advantage of the empty four-bedroom house and slept in separate rooms which, while seemingly unromantic, was sort of, uh, blissful. No one woke anyone up snoring, and I could spread my ass OUT next to Sam.
This is all lovely, except that I was in the room that stays cool best by having the windows open — it’s where the crib is — and y’all, I had NIGHTMARES that True Blood’s Maryann and her bacteria-laden porcine (bovine?) claws and ram-like head were going to scale the walls and COME IN AND SCRATCH ME and then RIP OUT MY HEART. I’m not kidding. I had to talk myself off of the ledge every night, and made Adam check on me during the night to make sure I wasn’t disemboweled and leaving my child motherless. I am utterly sincere about this.
– My kid slept like a champion for almost the entire vacation, which contributed greatly to the whole relaxation thing. Long stretches at night! MULTIPLE-HOUR naps, typically early to late in the morning, which gave me the ILLUSION of sleeping in, and allowed me to let my HUSBAND sleep in with zero bitterness! And then, Wednesday night, it all went to shit, with a slight rebound on Thursday, only to go to such shit again on Friday night that I started angrily Tweeting (yes, TWEETING, for some reason) my husband that he claims to be an insomniac, but WHO’S NOT UP AT 3 A.M. NOW, SUCKAH?
I maintain that it’s the worst to be lulled into complacency, only to be slammed out of nowhere with a shitty, shitty night. It’s easier when it’s your constantly sleep deprived, in a way. But to be under the illusion that rest is YOURS FOR THE TAKING, then have the rug yanked out from under you is cruelty indeed.
Also, teething, you suck.
– Pennsylvania’s food is a delight not to be missed. It is possible I feel this way because I grew up there and it is the food of my childhood, but I’m not clear how one could argue against deep-fried perogies, the judicious application of cabbage to meals that don’t necessarily NEED cabbage, although really, no one should argue with a halupki, hoagies to die for and, though true Philadelphians would argue, you can get a decent cheesesteak almost anywhere.
– Relatedly, we do not own a full-length mirror at our current home. Oddly, over the last five years or so, we’ve had them built in somewhere in our place of residence, rendering the need to own a standalone non-existent. Ergo, the first time, I shit you not, that I caught my current postpartum body in all its glory was in the reflection of the entrance to Boscov’s at the Steamtown Mall in Scranton. While on vacation. (It was raining, and we were bored.) It was … enlightening. I made a halfhearted attempt to go back on Weight Watchers a few weeks ago, but let me tell you, the size of my ass — no seriously, the SIZE of my ASS — has me going back tomorrow in earnest. Oh gluttony, I hardly knew ye. Except that I did, all too closely. Haluski (not to be confused with a halupki) for everyone!
I have many more thoughts on this, which are not all hand-wringy and “Oh I am so FAT,” but about how little I actually give a rip about these things except when it greatly inconveniences me — i.e., I would like to wear the entire closet of clothes without having to buy new ones, and also how MIXED my feelings are on the topic because I have a daughter.
But alas, I am all done and then some, and have to get my tired, sorry ass to bed, where my daughter will hopefully sleep like she did last week. The good nights, that is. THE GOOD NIGHTS. Hear me, Sam? SLEEP LIKE YOU DID ON THE GOOD NIGHTS.
Happy Monday!
*Queen
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
24 Comments Add your own
1. She Likes Purple | July 26th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
I wish I didn’t give a rip. GOD HOW I WISH.
Also, we just returned from our first vacation with baby, and it was also surprisingly lovely. Those babies shock the hell out of us, still, don’t they?
2. Blythe | July 26th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
I had to read The Girls for a book group and just about threw it across the room during our meeting because seriously? It was just boring. And it out-Oprah’ed Oprah.
And my entire weight loss incentive during Theo’s first year of live centered around not having to shop for a new wardrobe. Health? Attractiveness? Pshaw. But having to spend hours in a dressing room, trying on jeans? Please pass the celery sticks.
3. Sadie | July 27th, 2009 at 2:12 am
Mmmm, cheesesteak…
Glad you enjoyed your vacation, even if Carbondale was featured…for some reason I just remembered staying overnight in York once during a long weekend with an old boyfriend. Oh, Pennsylvania!
I’m sure your ass isn’t *that* big. That said, I find that going on a diet of no food and all alcohol is surprisingly effective for rapid weight loss. Guess that’s kind of off the table for a breastfeeder, though…shame.
(“Dead eyes” is what my dog gets when I scold him, too, hahaha!)
4. JMH | July 27th, 2009 at 6:13 am
I love “fat bottom girls” Reminds me of a really fun summer I had in the early 90′s……thanx for the memory!
5. Bethany | July 27th, 2009 at 7:25 am
The people of Carbondale ARE the most downtrodden people I’ve seen, you’re right! And they sell their houses for about $50,000 because no one has wanted to move there since the 70s, either. (I live about 45 minutes from the area.)
6. Jen | July 27th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Your good nights give me hope for our upcoming vacation.
7. Christine | July 27th, 2009 at 9:15 am
As a Philadelphia dweller for the past (ohmyfreaking lord time flies) four years, I have to say that some of the most touristy places for cheesesteaks really fall flat. (Except for a Jim’s steak at like 2:45 a.m., those are consistently delicious.)
A friend of mine told me of a place in the Northeast that has salami in its cheesesteak, and well, that sounds fantastic.
Here’s hoping for more good nights.
8. -R- | July 27th, 2009 at 9:16 am
I’m glad the vacation was so great, despite the intense fears of being disemboweled,
9. Anti-aging Health Products | July 27th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I totally agree with that sentimental feeling when you wake up to the sound of nature. That’s what’s lacking in the metro, where the air is so so dirty and the noise is metal.
10. Jess | July 27th, 2009 at 9:58 am
We don’t have a full-length mirror either. In our DC apartment I bought a cheap one at Target and nailed it to the back of the door, and then didn’t bother bringing it when we moved. So now we will have to buy one, I guess. It is a little frustrating not having one. Though perhaps it’s good for my self-image?
11. mar | July 27th, 2009 at 10:03 am
glad you survived the vacay with bebeh in tow. and to think, i’m dreading the 13 hour drive with puppy monster next month to my brother’s wedding.
i just have to comment on your tweets about blogher (because i don’t tweet). it was my first trip & there were so many things i enjoyed, but it wasn’t so much the conference itself as the people. which i believe is what it was ‘supposed’ to be about. my disillusionment started the night before the offical start (why the h#ll have people rsvp if you’re going to run out/give away cameras/swag to non-rsvpers!!?!?) but my roomies were the best (suebob of redstapler & suzanne of cuss!!!!) and we made our own fun. which is why i’ll be doing nyc next year finances permitting.
and your name was mentioned by us (full-sized samples of gap close!) & kinda wished you were there to bring the fun as well. (even though we’ve never met)
12. Cute~Ella | July 27th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I’ve been to Carbondale. You’re right. It sucks. I’m pretty sure that’s why my aunt and uncle own stock in Gin, Tonic and Lime companies.
One thing a friend of mine found is that her body had just changed shape after carrying the extra weight and having the baby.
Good luck with the good ole butt size. I fight with mine constantly.
And if I might throw in my own two cents, I don’t think its a necessarily bad thing to want to be fit or to fit in clothes you already own. If you go about it smartly and realistically…I mean, I know I’ll never be smaller than a size 10 at best, but that doesn’t mean I have to be happy feeling sluggish and sloppy.
13. Newt | July 27th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Do not trust window reflections! They shorten and…squatten(?) you, and generally are not to be relied upon for an accurate assessment of your assets.
I know what you mean about not really caring about the weight but needing to fit into the clothes. I’ve managed to lose almost all my baby weight, but I’m not sure I’ll ever fit back into my old clothes. Things are just redistributed, and softer now. I haven’t thrown the old jeans out yet, but they’re at the bottom of a drawer, getting a bit musty these days.
14. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | July 27th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I kind of think you and I would be best real life friends.
And now that I’ve scared you with that thought, let me just say that I sleep on the second floor of our house, but when my husband is away for work, which seems like constantly, I ALWAYS close up the windows and lock them and still panic. This despite spending hours before going to bed convincing myself no one is going to go to the effort of climbing up my house to enter it through my bedroom windows while I sleep. Who cares if it’s a sauna in here. Safety first, I say!
15. Sarah | July 27th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I so agree re: Elizabeth Berg books. Also, all I could think of this whole post was about The Office, what with all the Scranton and Steamtown Mall references. You’re walking on hallowed ground, missy! Dwight Schrute’s stomping ground!
16. Kristabella | July 27th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I feel the same way about your mirror experience as seeing my photos from BlogHer this weekend. And that is why I’m eating a salad and planning a long walk when I get home because I have too many chins!
Glad you had a great vacation!
17. GingerB | July 27th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I heart cheesesteaks too – and every other cheese and steak and everything in between or on the side. I need a lot of calories when I am breastfeeding. Goddamn peach rings and Cadbury bars before bed and taking their toll, but I hung a shoe hanger over the closet door to cover the mirror on purpose and I do my best to stay out of clothing stores.
18. The New Girl | July 27th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I agree that it’s better to be on the every-night-sucks local train because once you get on the sleeping-good-chunks-of-the-night express? It is HARD to make that switch back, yo. Talk about BITTERNESS.
Also? The title of this post made me LAUGH.
You make this rockin’ world go round, sistah.
19. gorillabuns | July 28th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
i wouldn’t mind being disembowled by Eric.
and my ass could carry a platter of ribs without dropping them. Not because it’s high and tight but because it’s so fat and large, i could carry anything including a village.
20. Maggy | July 28th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
My baby is two months old. My maternity clothes are far too big (and sloppy), and my “regular” clothes are not fitting either. And as delightful as it would be to have a whole new wardrobe, I like my old wardrobe. And where would I put a new wardrobe?
I remind myself that very few people are looking at me; they’re all looking at the baby.
21. M. L. Kiner | July 29th, 2009 at 8:36 am
“The Hong Kong Connection” is a legal thriller about a gutsy female attorney who takes on high ranking International officials. It’s a taut, rollercoaster of a ride from New York to Palm Beach to Washington D.C. to Hong Kong. The plot is expertly woven, the characters persuasive, and the dialogue snappy and spot on.
http://www.StrategicBookPublishing.com/TheHongKongConnection.html
22. TwoBusy | July 29th, 2009 at 10:23 am
If wearing a celice belt is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
23. kris | July 29th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Am saddened that I began to salivate while reading about PA food – it’s where my people are from and boy do I love me some meat and potatoes. Started (re-started? re-re-re-re-re-started?) WW two days ago and almost tried to eat my paper plate at lunch. Wishing you better luck.
24. metalia | August 4th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I am SO VERY SCARRED by so man things I saw on True Blood this season that the mere mention of Maryann just made me involuntarily emit a little shriek of abject horror. No joke.
To remedy that, however, I just reread the paragraph about Carbondale, and nearly wet myself for the second time in a row, so we’re all good. SO TRUE.
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