Sam’s Town
July 29th, 2009
You know, despite the fact that my kid doesn’t sleep (STILL OMG), one of the things I’ve come to finally realize is that all of my fears that I would turn into a different person once I had a baby were completely unfounded. I am still ME, and even though I have less time to do the things that make me … uh, me … I am finding that as I get the hang of this, I get a little more of myself back every day. It’s true. It all gets harder, in some ways, but it also gets easier. Or maybe I’m just comfortably numb to it all. Not sure, truthfully. It could go either way.
But it is not easy, by any stretch. But by saying that, I’m not saying it’s not awesome, because weirdly, it is — the most awesome thing ever, in fact — but holy hell, is it hard. And it’s hard in ways that can’t really be articulated, for even all the things that SOUND hard — staying up all night, dealing with a child who screams for no reason at all, pushing a stroller around and around in circles while wearing an afghan until the kid finally falls asleep — aren’t really THAT hard. No, really. What’s hard is that it’s all so RELENTLESS.
You can live through anything if you know there’s an end. A sleepless night here or there is no big deal if you know you can catch up on the weekend, or look forward to some much-needed downtime on a slow afternoon. But in parenthood, there is no definite end. Whatever challenge you’re enduring could end tomorrow, or it could go on for three more years, with absolutely zero downtime. You just don’t know, and my God, that is hard.
Hey, do you guys read -R-? If not, you should, for she is friggin’ hilarious, and one of the most real, honest people I’ve ever “met.” This reminds me of a post of hers I caught up on after vacation that absolutely slayed me. We all know those women/moms/bloggers, and she articulated all of it SO WELL.
“I really do not get it if you think your baby is so wonderful that his pee smells like Chanel No. 5.”
HA HA HA. HA HAAAAAAAAAA. I mean, I love my daughter more than life itself, but: yes. It’s hard. I don’t care who you are. It’s HARD. I’ll bet even Jennifer Lopez, who never admits anything bad in the universe, including the fact that she married a dead man’s skeleton, will tell you that it’s EFFING HARD SOMETIMES, even if she hands her baby off to the manny when shit goes down. To pretend otherwise is such a load of shit.
Onward! A few things:
– Dude, Maryann’s minotaur head was not what I pictured. I pictured her as a full-bore shapeshifter, not some person/thing who threw on a HELMET. WTF. (Right, that would be True Blood. What the hell I’m going to talk about when this season’s over is friggin’ beyond me.)
–I am going to admit right here and now that I am a full 30 pounds overweight. THIRTY! It’s a frightening number, but it is the God’s honest truth, and the most I have ever weighed, excluding pregnancy. Ever. And boy howdy, I would like to get rid of it, because not only am I fitting into exactly none of my clothes, but y’all, MY KNEES. They are dead. I should not be carrying this amount weight around, and my knees are politely informing me in the only way they know how.
– Relatedly, one of the unfortunate side effects of my ever-changing postpartum body — particularly, my large ass — is that all of my pants fit funny in the back. All of them, no matter what size I try. They all … well, there’s no other way to say this, but they all end up baring my ASS CRACK when I bend over, squat or sit on the floor. Which, if you have ever been around the mother of a five-month-old, you fully realize is something I do approximately 9,568,345 times a day. Adam has taken to simply announcing, “I SEE FRANCE” to give me a heads up that things have, uh, gone south. And when he’s not around, I just hope that no one’s behind me. Awesome.
– Finally, bringing it back to babies and their, uh, challenges, I have to say I would like to publicly thank everyone who didn’t scream at me that I was a total idiot whilst in the throes of my honeymoon stage with Sam. I thought, based on her newborn-ness, that I had birthed an EASY BABY OMG. And I CROWED ABOUT IT on this here blog. And everywhere else. The old, “She’s so easily placated!” “She only cries when hungry/wet/whatever!” “This is SO AWESOME, I don’t know WHAT people complain about!”
Dear God, people. You are all saints for not warning me. And I love you all for later admitting that yes, you did this, too, even if it was only to make me feel less stupid about it.
I say this, because it has recently come to my attention that this is a UNIVERSAL THING that most new moms do. Three times, in the last month, I have watched three of my real life friends have babies, and without fail, they have announced that they “seem to have a really easy baby,” and then crow that they have NO IDEA WHY PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.
OMG.
And it has taken EVERY OUNCE OF WILLPOWER not to laugh at them, shake my head ruefully and announce, “Oh darling. We all did. Everyone does. This is not your baby. Your baby will emerge at the four to five week mark, give or take. And then that baby will turn into a DIFFERENT baby and you … well, I’m sorry, you’ll never REALLY know what kind of baby your baby is. Sorry.”
So now you all know, folks. The baby you bring home from the hospital is not really your baby. It will seem like the world’s easiest baby, or the world’s hardest baby, depending on your experience, but trust me: that baby is not your baby. Even if he turns out to be easy, he’ll still have a personality that is probably different than the newborn one. You just have to wait and see.
Happy Thursday! Playgroup day! THANK GOD. AM DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE UP IN THIS PIECE.
*The Killers. Chosen not only for the obvious, but because of the lyric, “I seeeee London … I see Sam’s Town …” or you know, France. AND THEN MY ASS.
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27 Comments Add your own
1. Someone Being Me | July 29th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Actually I did get lucky and have an easy baby the first time around. The first year was a breeze and then the cracks started showing. By 18 months we were fully in the throes of the terrible twos. Now he is 2 1/2 and it is not letting up. I have friends that say 3 is worse or 4 is the worst but I pray my kid is just going through things early. He can be the most awesome kid ever in the morning and be a complete mess by the time my husband gets home from work. It is so hard because I don’t know when it will get easier. My second baby is 3 1/2 months old and is a more difficult baby than his brother but it doesn’t bother me as much because I do know that this age goes by so fast. I think it is the unknown that makes it so difficult.
2. willikat | July 29th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Your blogs are like a hug and then a really good belly laugh.
3. samantha jo campen | July 29th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
You are just so the best. That is all.
4. Anyabeth | July 29th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I wish there was some way that we could all just fast forward through the first six weeks. They set up some weird expectations whether the baby is “easy” or not. My most vivid memory from that time is sobbing on the phone with a friend and her telling me that yeah it would be like this for six weeks and I almost DIED I swear. I think it would have been just as weird to think your baby was SO GOOD and then have that taken away.
5. Jess | July 29th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Thank you for this warning. I did not know that. I will now attempt to preemptively teach myself not to be complacent about my newborn.
6. jonniker | July 29th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Anyabeth: The first month for me was a breeze. And then shit hit the fan, and is still … hitting the fan. (I say this as I lay here, wide awake, with hourly waking baby. Whatthefuck.)
7. page | July 30th, 2009 at 3:31 am
I second willikat. And oh my heck, you nailed it with the easy baby thing. every one of my friends has done this. Every. Last. One.
-R- is great! Thanks for turning me onto her!
8. laura | July 30th, 2009 at 5:03 am
OMG i feel your pain, my son who is my 2nd child was “NOT AN EASY BABY” he turned 2 in march and still doesn’t sleep all night. someday it will not be so hard, she is still new and working out her kinks “. as for the weight my only advice is don’t stress to much over it as long as your staying healthy it will come off in due time
peace and love. your blog is awesome 
9. Carrie | July 30th, 2009 at 7:39 am
I love how REAL you are with your posts. I wish I were close by so that I could drop off a batch of cookies and jaw with you about babies and life (Cuz, seriously–the weight will just have to WAIT, ya know? Homemade cookies are manna to the post-partum mum.)
10. Sarah | July 30th, 2009 at 8:31 am
I LOVE the last part of this post. “You will never really know what kind of baby your baby is.” No kidding. I too thought I had an easy first child, and she WAS, until she turned one. Total angel baby into completely normal, even dare I say kind of highly needy and easily frustrated, child. I was all, “Where’s my baby?” Plus I was pregnant again. Scary! I did a lot better the second time (at least, I hope) trying not to assume I had my kid all figured out just because something happened to work a few nights in a row. Babies are little people, and they are constantly evolving, just like us, except at a much more rapid pace! So you gotta just buckle up and enjoy the ride.
11. -R- | July 30th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Oh, thanks!
I definitely have the same weight and pants problems. I have the pants problem even when I am skinnier though, so I don’t really know what to do about that. I just wear belts, but even then I am still usually showing a lot of butt.
I did not have that newborn complacency issue, but that is because I myself was a crazy person for the first few weeks after B was born. I don’t really remember what he was like for the first few weeks. That sounds really sad, but really I just feel like Thank God I was only crazy for a few weeks.
12. Jen | July 30th, 2009 at 8:52 am
It does get easier, doesn’t it? But some days are just SO HARD.I had one of those days on Monday and I ended up taking a walk around the block with my husband and the baby, crying the whole time. Thank god for sunglasses or my neighbors would think I am nuts.
I really hope Sam gives you a big fat chunk of sleep soon!
And -R- is the best. I cracked up at that Chanel No. 5 comment too!
13. Arwen | July 30th, 2009 at 11:27 am
We totally did that! With my daughter. She was born and we were like, “She sleeps all the time! She only cries when she’s hungry! This is a breeze!” And then at 3.5 weeks it became clear that we had a Screaming Non-Sleeper on our hands. And we laughed desperately and maniacally when we remembered our former complacent selves.
Ironically, a close friend of mine had a baby when Camilla was six months old, and she did that whole “she’s such an easy baby!” thing with her newborn, and I warned her, and then her baby turned out to be one of those freaks of nature who slept through the night at two months old. So now I have no cred with my friend. But whatever.
Here’s hoping the sleep things gets better soon for you, Jonna! I have been there and it is SO awful.
14. Swistle | July 30th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Love.
15. Kristabella | July 30th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I’m dying laughing about Adam yelling “I see France!” HAHAHA!
16. scantee | July 30th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I didn’t get a honeymoon period as my child screamed from the get go. Lucky me! Not sure which is worse, being surprised by a screaming baby after a wonderful honeymoon period or never getting the honeymoon period in the first place.
I’m on my second (last!) pregnancy and am already dreading the weight I will need to lose postpartum. Does it stop me from pigging out on sweets? Certainly not. If I’m going to be this miserable I’m at least going to get some enjoyment out of it, even if I pay for it in the long run.
17. Amy K | July 30th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I hate to say it, but my 4.5-month-old daughter was easy when she came home from the hospital and has stayed that way so far. Like, it’s been months since she hasn’t slept 8-10 hours straight at night (sorry, SORRY). I just figure that I’d better enjoy it now, because she’ll be the most obnoxious toddler ever in the history of toddlers. It will all balance out somehow.
18. Pocklock | July 30th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
My baby screamed all night when we were still in the hospital. So no honeymoon for me. Anti-Christ baby, FTW!
Dude, my ass hangs out of my pants so much you could sell tickets. I have no choice but to accept it.
19. SwingCheese | July 30th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I have to second you on the relentlessness of parenthood. That is what gets to me. I remember crying during a 3 am feeding because it was so. hard. and I, even though I love my son tremendously, kinda sorta wanted to give him back. Because I was just done. But now, it is both better and worse. Better because I know that nothing lasts forever, and worse for that same reason (the teething has commenced, ending the few blessed nights of non-stop sleep).
My bf from high school just had her first baby and he is now two weeks old. I am not telling her about the 6 week baby swap b/c I fear that might send her over the edge. But it is true nonetheless.
20. Cookie | July 31st, 2009 at 7:52 am
Lol – the pants thing, my husband warns me by calling me a plumber. It’s annoying, the pants, not my husband (usually).
The sleep thing is one of the hardest. Nick has just started having the occasionally night were he sleeps through, and he’s 16-months! Most nights he wakes up at least once. And while I am loathe to admit it, he usually sleeps through the night when my husband puts him to bed,
21. shriek house | July 31st, 2009 at 10:49 am
First, those swingy tunic tops things are your friend, and I think still even vaguely fashionable. (Crack-covering is my specialty, I’m sad to say.)
You are so on the mark with relentlessness. If it’s any consolation, as a parent for almost seven years now I still stupidly think, “ok, if we can just get through *this*, things will be fine” and then am stupidly surprised by the next immediate installment of sleeplessness/sickness/calamity to befall us.
And I think it is one of the great sweetnesses of parenthood, being able to witness other parents in a moment of innocent bliss while we are in the throes of child-induced misery. I think of it less as OMFG I WAS SO STUPID and more of OHHHH I REMEMBER HOW VERY VERY LOVELY THAT TIME WAS.
22. Sarah | July 31st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Regardless of the fact that I am currently carting around 15 extra pounds (and a 32lb 22-month-old), I have always had a big old bedunkadunk butt. After years and years of trying to find jeans that fit my butt without exposing the “coin slot”/”mom crack”/ETCETERA I resorted to politely asking African American women with a similar sense of style to my own what jeans they wore. And so I was told repeatedly about Levi’s 512′s. I love them. They have a bit of stretch, and a tummy panel and they aren’t low-rider for godssakes (hate hate hate) and they don’t gap in the back. They’re also cheap (I buy mine at JC Penney where they are almost always on sale). The other favorite that emerged from my “research” were Levi’s 536′s. They’re newer to the market and don’t fit me as well, but they certainly have room in the trunk.
Hope that little piece of unasked-for assvice (har har har) helps!
23. tracey | August 1st, 2009 at 12:15 am
Oh this brought back memories… The hardest part of parenting a baby (or ANY age, actually) is NOT knowing when that stage will end. If someone could have told me that my middle son would suddenly, at age 10.5 months, sleep through the night, then I could have handled the 10.499 months of sleeplessness. Just knowing where the END is, would make it all so much easier to handle.
You’ll NEVER know. With any stage. Ever. Isn’t that fabulous?!? It never ends and it only gets harder. Which is FUN! Wooohoo!!
People who tell me older kids are “more fun” and “easier” irk me. Give me diaper rash and playgroups any day. Pre-teen angst and tantrums SUCK.
On that note, Have a fun time at playgroup! Wish I were there!
24. jonniker | August 1st, 2009 at 5:32 am
Tracey – I *do* think there is a sweet spot with kids, where it’s easier and more fun and all that stuff. But it is NOT when they are pre-teens. NOT. My sister is going through it now and HOO BOY, it is not fun. But she’s said multiple times that she’d go back to almost any stage from age 1 – on. Except for the one she’s in now.
25. Leah | August 1st, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Yeah, I really wish someone had told me the baby would “wake up” a few weeks after he was born. Although he continues to be a (RELATIVELY) easy baby, he was most definitely not the baby we brought home from the hospital, and it would have been nice to have a warning (although, seriously, would any new mother believe that anyway? I think not).
26. Amanda Brown | August 4th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Posts like this one are why I think you’re the best, Jonna. Nicely done!
27. serror | August 5th, 2009 at 12:12 am
I have that problem with pants even with out having born a child. Belts! Seriously, they make my pants decent.
Also, lurf the post!!! You’re the bestest!
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