Teeth
August 19th, 2009
There are two things that automatically calm Samantha when she’s having a crappy day — which, by the looks of her swollen red lower gums, are coming fast, furious and OFTEN these days, because clearly, kid’s teeth feel like ASS. First, her kitty rug, seen in this photo. Take her clothes off, lay her down and glee ensues without fail, complete with screechy sound effects. And the second, which is perhaps my favorite, is to hold her up in front of the mirror and ask, “Who’s the pretty baby? Who’s the pretty baby in the mirror?” Invariably, she will gaze lovingly at herself and smile the proudest smile in the world, sometimes holding her hands to her chest as if to say, “ME! I am SO PRETTY! ME!”
In that moment, I think my heart is going to explode, because — and forgive me for entering schmoopy, parent-y heart-clutching territory here — I hope she always feels that way about herself. I hope she always looks in the mirror and thinks that she is the prettiest, most awesome thing in the world (and yet, uhh, remains humble), even if her thigh rolls could hide a full picnic lunch.
I’ve entered one of those mythical stages of parenthood where every day holds at least one moment where I think that I cannot possibly love her any more; that she cannot get any more awesome, and then, I promise you, she does something so delightful that I think, well, shit. I think I love you even more now, kid. How’d you do that?
I hastily add that every day also holds at least one moment where I find myself thinking, oh my GOD, kid, just CLOSE YOUR EYES, because the world will be SO MUCH BETTER FOR ALL OF US if you could just TAKE A NAP.
Ahem.
Which brings me to the fact that for the last two days, my daughter hasn’t wanted to nap ANYWHERE but in the Ergo. On me. Leaving me trapped on the couch beneath a beautiful-but-heavy sleeping baby and a few times, I’d reached the End of the Internet. And AHOY! I have a point that is not baby-related.
But first! Let me back up! It is a miracle that I am happily married, because you guys, when I was single, I was the PICKIEST EVER. And about stuff that would seem stupid at first blush, but that would turn into this massive … thing that I’m sorry, I just could not get past. For example, three dates into a budding relationship with a guy who seemed decent enough, I suddenly realized that his eyes were a little wide-set for his face, and like magic, his once-handsome face morphed into that of a slug and … well, suffice it to say THAT goodnight kiss did not happen, nor did date four.
Another potential suitor met his demise when I realized with horror, somewhere around Date Five, that he had fatboy hands. He was handsome, sweet and … and then, rather suddenly, I took a good look at his hands and saw nothing but Jimmy Dean breakfast links. Oh, sure, we went out a few more times after that, but by then I’d started referring to him to my friends as Piggy Bojangles, and … well, you can never be serious about a person you call Piggy Bojangles, I don’t care how nice he is.
For the record, 11 years in to my relationship with Adam, I have yet to have anything remotely resembling a Piggy Bojangles moment. I hope nothing ever happens to him, because I have LITTLE HOPE of finding such a miracle in another human being, and am clearly destined to be alone forever.
Enter Eric the Vampire and his Piggy Bojangles moment. Remember the other day how I was all wondering what the HELL was with Eric’s disembodied head during the naked Sookie scene in this week’s True Blood? Well. WELL. I re-watched the episode in question during one of Sam’s Ergo naps, and came to a startling discovery:
Alexander Skarsgard suffers from Wee Head Syndrome. Big, ripped body and small, pea-sized head? Wrong. Pea-head dudes take note. If your head is small, keep your body in proportion, yo. And worse? Some End of Internet Googling to determine if this was actually the case led to the startling discovery that Skarsgard has allegedly had … silicone implants put into his back. To make it bigger I, uh, guess. To EMPHASIZE WEE HEAD SYNDROME. But really, I think this photo is enough.
And another crush bites the dust, ladies and gentlemen. I haven’t been this disappointed since Ryan Star awkwardly climbed the speakers during Baba O’Riley on the Rockstar: Supernova semi-finals, ending a season-long love affair from afar.
Finally! Two things:
– Dude, what did I say about Big Brother being boring? I lied. Oh Chima. Oh, Chima Chima Chima. And the Twittering! I think my favorite bit is when she announced that her detractors are all “fat and ugly.” Stay classy, Chima!
– Today, while walking a sleeping, Ergo’d Sam a grand total of TEN FEET to the restaurant across the street, a woman leaving the restaurant said, loudly enough for me to hear, and yet clearly, uhh, under her breath, “Stupid mother. That baby should have a hat.”
I … I yelled at her like a deranged lunatic. “WE ARE ONLY WALKING TEN FEET, WHICH IS WHY SHE DOESN’T HAVE ONE. BUT THANKS FOR NOTICING!” And then I waved my arms all menacing-like. Or more likely, crazy-like. And the worst part is that this is the smallest town ever, and she looked … familiar, which means I know I’ll see her again, and it will be hard not to clock her. Who says that? WHO SAYS THAT? OH MY GAAAAWWWWDDD.
Happy Thursday!
*Lisa Hannigan, who finally has her own solo album.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
42 Comments Add your own
1. TwoBusy | August 19th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
God, I love your life in that town.
2. katie | August 19th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
omg. too funny and good for you!
3. Mama in the City | August 19th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
You know what..my baby REFUSES to wear a hat. What’s that? Even as a newborn we would get intense screeching if a hat was anywhere near the boys head.
I HATE how women can be so judgemental about motherhood. I was told that my baby should be wearing socks this summer. My friends MIL said her 8 month old should be wearing shoes. People are over opinionated and somehow when it comes to children they feel that it is free territory to comment. My last motherhood judgement was a friend questioning the juice I added to the water in my boys sippy cup. Leave it alone!
4. jonniker | August 19th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
HAHAHAHA Mama, I have a relative that goes APESHIT because Sam doesn’t wear socks. Ever. It’s SUMMER. *I* don’t wear socks in summer! OR SHOES. SHE’S NOT EVEN SIX MONTHS OLD.
Adam revealed to me today that he deliberately points out that she doesn’t wear socks in front of this person, just to get a rise out of her.
5. Metalia | August 19th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Okay, I would TOTALLY have lost my shit at that woman if I were in your shoes. And? You know Andy Rooney would have, too. In addition, I keep going back to stare at the phrase “Piggy Bojangles” and cracking up. And it’s like, I know what I’m going to see when I go back to that paragraph, but still, I keep doing it, and uncontrollably cackling like a loon. PIGGY BOJANGLES, HAHAAAA.
6. Cora | August 19th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Wow! Why are people such jerks? Good for you for saying something! I probably wouldn’t have said anything but then complained to my husband for the rest of the night. Oh well.
And I totally thought of you when Chima went nuts. Ha! I know no one in real life who watches Big Brother. But that was some good stuff right there. Way to go, Big Brother.
7. Kerri Anne | August 19th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
That picture just annihilated Eric’s vampire street cred.
8. slynnro | August 19th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Eh. I can get over wee head syndrome.
9. ali | August 19th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
you are so mean. thanks for pointing out the effing peahead… I have a teeny tiny head too. Imagine that beetlejuice-like babies we’d have! ha!
10. H | August 19th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Chima brought the Evil Dick type of excitement back to Big Brother – not that they’re the same in any way other than the drama. It killed me to watch Kevin, Natalie and Lydia fetch her microphone for her and fish it out of the hot tub. And speaking of Pea Head, the first person I thought of (because I can’t watch True Blood) is Jessie. I don’t know if his head is unusually small but his proportions are very disturbing. He looks like he had a head transplant.
God – I love TV.
11. Jess | August 19th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
How DARE that woman? SMACKDOWN TIME.
12. Maggy | August 19th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
I once had a lady stop her car in the Target parking lot to tell me that my baby needed a blanket. The sleeper fit him when we went into the store, but was too short after I changed him. So I wrapped him in my coat to take him to the car, where he wanted to eat again since the two times in the store wasn’t enough. I just waved and smiled. Whatever, lady. I understand when older ladies give me advice, and I smile sweetly and then continue what I was doing. (No, I am not going to put cereal in his bedtime bottle to make him sleep through the night. Especially since he doesn’t take a bottle.)
I did see a baby at the county fair (a tiny, not yet sitting up baby), lying (completely flat) in the stroller, with a bottle (a full, eight ounce bottle) propped into his mouth with his mom’s purse. There’s a recipe for choking. I was too wimpy to say anything.
13. Jennifer | August 20th, 2009 at 12:44 am
“Alexander Skarsgard suffers from Wee Head Syndrome.”
This.
That being said, I would still climb him like a tree given the opportunity. Ahem.
14. Cookie | August 20th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Often times the only reason my baby has a hat on his head is because I’m physically holding it there. But 10 feet? Really? I don’t think she’s going to get cancer from 10 foot walk in the sun. Love the picture. Your daughter is adorable.
15. Swistle | August 20th, 2009 at 6:52 am
My jaw is still in a dramatically lower-than-usual position due to the “Stupid mother” comment. Is my Smacking Hand warming up for take-off? Yes. Yes, it is.
Also, your dating experiences sound JUST LIKE SEINFELD: everything is PERFECT until he imagines her with coleslaw stuck in her teeth, or whatever, and then it’s OVAH.
16. Beth Fish | August 20th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Be forewarned – the Hat Police are usually followed closely by the Sock Police.
17. saly | August 20th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I love piggy bojangles! I am fond of nick-naming people myself. I call a girl who works for me ‘Peanutbutter Oozingsore’.
18. Kristin H | August 20th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Even if that man (who I have never heard of, because apparently I live under a rock) didn’t have wee head syndrome, the whole idea of silicone implants in his BACK would be a deal-breaker for me. Yuuuuuuck!
The fuzzy rug picture, on the other hand? A-dorable.
19. nicolle | August 20th, 2009 at 8:18 am
i totally did that too! i once woke up (after like 1.5 years together) and looked over at then boyfriend and thought, hmm. i can’t stand you. how odd. yesterday i loved you, today, not so much.
as to the redonkulous nature of people and their opinions; i had a long standing deal with my then 3 year old that anytime my mil was present she would put on her hat until we were out of sight and then she was free to ditch the hat, regardless of season or outside temp… (once, she started sweating while wearing a hat in 30 degree weather. she’s just a hot head, whaddyagonnadoaboutit?)
good for you for flailing retort. i would have yelled, “it’s august, bite me.” but i’m classy like that.
20. Erica | August 20th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I think what she muttered was “I am a huge twat.” You must have misheard her.
21. Fiona Picklebottom | August 20th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Jeez, it’s 5000 frickin’ degrees out, and she wants you to hold your baby’s body heat IN? She’s nuts. Hats are for winter, unless you’re going to be out in the sun for a long time and need to protect that stupid-ass part in your thin hair that ALWAYS burns, even on those rare or nonexistent occasions when the rest of your body doesn’t burn, because it hurts like a mofo when it’s burnt and you brush your hair, and yes I’ve gone from talking about your gorgeous baby and that idiot woman to talking about me me me. I’m self-centered that way.
22. bessie.viola | August 20th, 2009 at 9:05 am
HA HA HA. That woman deserved more than she got, for sure. I would have to venture a guess that she’s never had a baby. My daughter would not wear a hat at that age. WOULD.NOT. Attempts to force it resulted in wails (which I happily took right in the ear in the winter, but summer? Meh. I sunscreened her head, she never burned, end of story). She loves hats now, by the way. She knows they buy her time outside, so she puts up with them.
Also? I don’t watch True Blood, but that picture? Totally ruined any vision I *may* have had in my head of that guy. Weird.
23. Emily | August 20th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I HATE when strangers comment on what a bad parent I am!! It is SO none of their business. Good for you for yelling at that woman!
24. kakaty | August 20th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Good god, some people are just awful. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t it unholy hot in your area right now? Like in the 90s? Sure – let’s put a hat on the baby and have her pass out from heat exhaustion!! I’m impressed with how you handled it because being a non-confrontational Midwesterner I would have just mocked her under my breath.
My grandmother was very vocal in her belief that babies should only wear light colors – light pink/blue and/or white were preferred. So I bought every black and navy blue thing I could find for my girl to wear when we went to visit. I’m evil like that.
25. She Likes Purple | August 20th, 2009 at 9:19 am
People are crazy. (And also fucking rude, MY GOD.) I get the sock thing from strangers A LOT. I usually look at them for a very long while before I ask something like, “We live in Texas. Do YOU live in Texas?”
Babies don’t need to be any more dressed up or down than we are. And I’ve never needed a hat in Texas in the 16 years I’ve lived here.
26. lindsay | August 20th, 2009 at 10:04 am
I hate when people comment on what other people are eating or doing with their own or their kids physical health. I’m sure EVERYONE does something that is supposedly terrible whether it’s sun exposure, salt, processed foods, smoking alcohol running and destroying knees or figure skating and destroying self esteem, not wearing helmets, wearing helmets too often, being white and looking like a kid never plays outside and on and on. Seriously.
27. Summer | August 20th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Wow…he does have a small head. I still think he’s HOT and I love that Sooky is having wet dreams about him. So does this mean you’re on Team (Sookeh) Bill? Because I have to say, at first I was very hot and bothered by this man (Bill). Like, in a teenage girl kind of way and I do NOT get like that. He just had this thing, this raw, manly kind of thing that was SO good. And then? Then I saw an interview of him, of him as NOT Bill but as Stephen Moyer and he was a total DORK. Dork isn’t the right word. Worst then a dork. And here he was my manly man fantasy all packaged up into one hot sexy vampire, and well, I was crushed, too. And now as Bill he’s looking just a tad pathetic. So go Eric! Let him have a turn at Anna Paquin’s titties. Bill gets to go home to them!
Also you are making me think I need an Ergo. Currently I have a Moby but the thing is so stinkin hot when it’s like 100 out. I’m going to investigate. Thanks!
cute kid you got there!
28. Christine | August 20th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I have absolutely no problem w/ Bill’s pea head. But then again, I’m marrying someone with a GIANT noggin, still as we’re both ah, pleasantly plump, it is proportional, but serioiusly, Giant.
29. Suze | August 20th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I just downloaded Lisa Hannigan’s album. Thank you for the notice!
And, I’m sorry that woman thought it was perfectly okay to talk to / at / about you like that. People crack me up and make me crazy all at the same time.
30. cindy w | August 20th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
a) Who puts a hat on a baby in August? I mean, really?
b) She actually called you “stupid”?? Like, loud enough for you to hear? WTF?
She’s lucky you just yelled at her & didn’t punch her. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to hold back. Gah, people are jerks.
31. Sarah | August 20th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Wow. That hat thing kills me, but I’m so happy it happened to YOU, who had the nerve to reply as she deserved, than to me, who would only have sputtered defensively and then questioned myself all day: “DID she need a hat, omg?”
32. Kristabella | August 20th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I am the SAME way with guys! My mom tells me I have a Seinfeld complex! But it is true! I could never date a Piggy Bojangles (HAHAHAHA!)
Dude, this has to be one of the best BB seasons yet! I refuse to follow Chima on Twitter, but I love reading the madness! I kind of wish she was still in the house!
33. Jen W. | August 20th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Ohhh Skarsgard. I’ll never look at you the same again. Especially with that doofus grin on your face in the photo that Jonna linked to. Sigh.
34. halloweenlover | August 20th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
That woman is cuh-razy. Next time you see her, you should lean all menacing toward her and say, “You got something else to say? Huh? Huh? Do you?” and then tell us what she does!
35. Leah | August 20th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
The worst is when people make their passive-aggressive comments about parenting to the BABY. Like, “Oh, you’re such a cute little baby! Too bad you don’t have a hat on like you’re supposed to!” HAAAAAAATE. Good for you for speaking up. I would have just slunk (slinked?) out in silence.
36. The New Girl | August 20th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
GEEZUZ. How much cuter can she GET, smiling away on that rug?
Here’s the thing for me: I read all those effing Southern Vampire books and always pictured Eric as much, uh, bigger and hotter (with a less receding chin.) He doesn’t evoke ‘VIKING’ for me. I find him much more attractive in that picture that you linked, actually, than I ever did on the show.
I tease my husband all the time about his tiny little head and have spent lots of time in department stores trying to find the BIGGEST EVER sunglasses to put on his mug. ENTERTAINMENT!! I’m with you on the sausage fingers, though. No can do.
37. Katy | August 20th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
OMG! That is totally insane. I think some people just have a pathological need to make judgemental comments, especially about other people’s children. That sucks btw about Sam’s teething. Lorelei is going through that some what. She actually tries to bite my toes!
38. page | August 20th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
That? is the main reason my husband didn’t want to have children for the longest time. He didn’t want all of the judgmental shit and the assvice from everyone in the world, not to mention our families going apeshit on us for not raising the child as THEY thought was right.
He’s still living in mortal fear of the day his mom and my mom decide to try and hijack our baby to raise it in a “normal, civilized way with TRADITIONS”, and I don’t blame him a bit.
That being said, I’d like to give that twattard a pice of my mind. Who says that?
And, btw, you made me tear up talking about your Sam. I love hearing about her and how she makes you feel. it’s awesome.
39. Mauigirl | August 22nd, 2009 at 9:59 pm
She’s adorable on that rug.
The Piggy Bojangles thing does remind me of Seinfeld and the Man Hands episode!
Good for you for telling off that woman!
40. shriek house | August 24th, 2009 at 11:52 am
I think… I think that mean asshat mother who muttered rudely at you needs a kitty rug of her own. Clearly she is lacking in the happy department.
41. kyslp | August 25th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
My mother is one of those rude people about baby care. At her church all the moms make sure to put socks on their babies when she has nursery duty. You can imagine the things she said to me.
42. cIII | August 25th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Piggie Bojangles made me pee a little. The comment about the hat made me cringe up.
Nothing like a little Fung-Shui for the swimsuit area.
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