My Head Sounds Like That
September 14th, 2009
One of my greatest talents is remembering details about people. With few exceptions, I remember EVERYTHING, and it’s a popular game among my close friends — Ask Jonna, Because She’ll Know. Who smeared poop all over the bathroom walls in fourth grade? Oh that’s easy! Chris Lindeman, whose mother’s name was Jane and wore the blouse with the big flowers to the PTA meeting. Chris — who I don’t even KNOW anymore — also preferred his cupcakes without icing, and would scrape it off in disgust every time a birthday came through our classroom.
Who doesn’t like icing, you ask? I can only assume some sort of puritanical stick in the mud, and have since determined that Chris joined a monastery and enjoys wearing a hairshirt. Unfortunately, Google turns up nothing, but that is consistent with monks. They don’t really broadcast their career choices on LinkedIn.
Usually, this ability makes me look thoughtful — the next time Meredith* comes to visit, I plan to have plenty of Flat Earth chips in Farmland Cheddar flavor, along with Paul Newman’s pineapple salsa, because I remember she enjoys them. See? Helpful!
When it is not helpful is when I meet someone once — or in some cases, don’t meet them, but hear so many details about them from someone ELSE that I feel like I met them — and run into them somewhere and start spouting off like some kind of stalker, which is precisely what I did to the wife of the host of one of our favorite restaurants. Yes, please read that again. I ran into the WIFE of a HOST of a local restaurant — who I have never met — and, after making small talk about our babies, realized who she was, and started spouting a variety of details I’d heard about her, including WHO DELIVERED HER BABY AND HOW LABOR WAS, in the middle of TJ Maxx. Oh, and then had to explain that I got all this from her husband in five-minute snippets as he escorted us to our table, which I’m sure she appreciated. Jesus.
What’s worse is that I GUARANTEE her husband has no idea who I am. I just REMEMBER these stupid things about people, and have a compulsion to SHARE THEM.
STALKER. STALKER.
I have zero brain to mouth filter, y’all. ZERO. I need an escort, for God’s sake, and will be publicly soliciting one for BlogHer ’10 before this whole thing becomes a PR NIGHTMARE for me.
Snippets!
– Big-assed girls, I have found your jeans, and though they are unglamorous, I have been bending over with impunity for DAYS now. Vera Wang Simply Vera jeans, available at Kohl’s. I know, I know, Kohl’s isn’t exactly the land of high quality fashion, but for me, they were a great purchase, as I’m losing weight (HAHAHA, sort of), and didn’t want to spend a lot on transitional jeans. I believe I spent $35 for them, though the fact that they cover my whole ass no matter how much bending and lifting I do is worth every cent in my bank account, I tell you.
– I have a few irrational baby-related fears that make no sense whatsoever. First, Tylenol. I hate Tylenol. I’m AFRAID of Tylenol, and so help me, I think it will be the end of us all. I have no scientific basis for this, and I’m pretty sure it’s just me, but I avoid giving my kid Tylenol like the fucking PLAGUE. I swear I can hear her little liver atrophy with each wee baby dose.
Edited to add, after AndreAnna‘s comment: Oh you guys, MOTRIN. For some reason, Motrin feels safe to me. I Motrin her ASS OFF. My sister’s husband once gave her son FIVE TIMES the dosage of Motrin — uhh, accidentally, obvs. — and when she spoke to poison control AND the pediatrician, both said stomach upset was the only likely side effect. However, both nearly SHIT THEMSELVES at the thought that it could be Tylenol. I’m telling you, I hate Tylenol. AFRAIIIIIIIDDDDDD.
Also? I am afraid of constipation. For everyone, and if I could, I would make prunes mandatory eating for everyone in the entire world. I just think we’d all be a lot happier if all systems were go, all the time. My kid started solids recently, and what was the second food I gave her? Prunes. How proud was I that she loved them? ABSURDLY SO.
Don’t be afraid of prunes, people. They’re just dried plums. Remember, however, that while they are sweet and delicious, overdoing them is … well, a very bad idea.
– True Blood, True Blood, True Blood. Oh, how your finale SUCKED. SUCKED. Am EMBITTERED. And ANGRY. And EMBITTERED. Things were really at a fever pitch there, with all the Eric nakedness and Godric-burning and Steve and Sarah Newlin and Nan Flanagan and … well, it seems that things really peaked too soon, did they not? They blew their wad with the Dallas/Eric/Sookie/Lorena storyline and ended up in a very sad place that Michelle Forbes couldn’t even save, and people, Michelle Forbes is talented.
To tide my ass over until next season, I ordered the Sookie Stackhouse books. Am hopeful that they get here in time for Laptopless Wednesday and Offline Saturday, which are new rules in our house that I am very excited about. Because really, the world could use just a LITTLE less Internet, and I’m starting here at home, y’all.
Happy Tuesday!
*Dude, have you read the news? THE NEWS! IT IS OUT! GO!
** Peter Gabriel
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
47 Comments Add your own
1. Carolyn J. | September 14th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
You’ll have to work a lot harder than that to get me to eat prunes! No way, no how.
Perhaps I could take them I.V.?
2. jonniker | September 14th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Hm. IV wouldn’t work, as it bypasses the digestive system, which is where prunes work their pruney magic. Perhaps you’d do best with some prune JUICE. (HAHAHAHA *dies*)
3. AndreAnna | September 14th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Total suckfest, True Blood. Ha! I so did not intend that horrible, awful pun. For real.
You’ll enjoy the books way better.
And I always worry that pain is way worse – mentally – for a poor baby to deal with than any bad effects of something as safe as Tylenol. But I know how it is ti worry about everything you put in their tiny perfect, pure bodies. My pediatrician once told me that if adults had to teethe, we’d all be on Vicodin and Demerol. That, plus the fact that my kids go on hunger strikes when their mouths hurt, makes me bust out the Motrin every time.
OMG AndreAnna: I MOTRIN HER ASS OFF. I should have said that. In fact, I will go edit. It’s not PAINKILLERS. It’s just Tylenol.
4. Susan (Trout Towers) | September 14th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
My mom used to mix prune juice with water and sugar and call it iced tea. Oh wait, no! She called it simile (similea?). Which is nothing like a metaphor.
5. beyond | September 14th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
my husband is very afraid of tylenol as well. i’m not sure why. but if he got a headache he would swallow a whole handful of advil. i have since weaned him down to ‘only’ four. (i take a half pill 4 times a year, so this seems crazy to me)
i eat raisin bran cereal. but so you know how i really enjoy prunes? wrapped in bacon and slowly roasted in the oven…
6. Audrey | September 14th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Venturing out of google reader to say HAHA. I never comment but today’s post left me giggling.
7. AndreAnna | September 14th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Oh ME TOO!!!
It’s weird because were always told how safe Tylenol is and how we can take it pregnant, nursing, and for newborns, etc., but dude, my liver is highly important.
One of my best friends is a pharmacist and he says one of the worst things you can do is drink and take Tylenol. Havoc on your liver. But Motrin is okay to take if you’ve had a few.
Yes. That’s my gold standard. Ha.
8. Steph the WonderWorrier | September 14th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
I too was a bit miffed while watching the True Blood Finale… I felt that the Maryann stuff concluded way too quickly, and then there was just too much sitting around Merlotte’s doing nothing…
BUT… the ending sets up season three nicely (being a reader of the book series).. it’s totally different than the books, but if they take the storyline next season to where it needs to be to follow the book, then I prefer this “mysterious exit of Bill” from how it goes in the start of Book Three (which is a little laaaame at the beginning).
You should enjoy the books. They’re a pretty light read. The TV series is doing enough differently not to be annoying, but just to improve the storyline and make it more “HBO-worthy” and to allow fans of the book series to still be guessing what might happen next (rather than just knowing exactly how it’ll play out).
I have high hopes for next season, so I’m not so pissed about the boring mid-section of the finale anymore!
9. Diane | September 14th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Do you make your own prune puree? Or do you use jars? I tried with Violet and failed miserably at getting them to a good consistency. Miss Roo is consistently constipated, so I’ve been going through jars like mad, but would MUCH rather make them myself. If you have some SPESHUL method, I am all ears.
And I think your non-internet days are awesome, but NO JONNA ON WEDNESDAYS? Mope face.
10. She Likes Purple | September 14th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
You know what’s funny, I’m a Tylenol slut around my house but that Baby Motrin sat in our cupboard for WEEKS (no, MONTHS) because I could not bring myself to give it to him. Some type of marketing worked wonders on me, I tell you.
Also, yeah, THIS sounds a bit stalkerish, but I am the exact same way with details. I can remember anything about anyone. I remember birthdays (I will refrain from saying yours as to not FREAK YOU THE FUCK OUT) and anniversaries, and I remember what I wore and where it was from for every first day of school. I actually hate this quality because I will say to Mike, “Remember that one time, five years ago, and it was June and hot and we were drinking a very specific type of beer and you were wearing that blue shirt?” And he’s all, “I can’t remember our address. So, no, I don’t remember that.” It’s like I’m the only member of our relationship for entire chunks of it. A blessing and a curse.
11. Marie Green | September 14th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
I also have a wonderful memory and am noted for it in my own personal circle of friends. I have a good friend who has a notoriously BAD memory, so we are quite the match!
Also, besides Tylenol being scary, it just plain doesn’t work worth shit. My kids, with fevers especially, show NO response to it. Motrin, and the fever is gone. So, it both ruins the liver AND doesn’t do jack squat for the fever.
12. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | September 14th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
More than 24 hours since watching the True Blood finale, I’m still pissed. That episode sucked ass. Not even vampire ass, because did we even get to see any of that?! NO! Blech. That’s me, spitting out the finale.
I’m onto Mad Men now. Oh, yes, you 60s smokin’, scotchin’ boys…
13. Anyabeth | September 14th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Oh I have the Tylenol fear too. It does some messed up things to your liver! And it totally doesn’t work. The only thing it is good for is when she has a really bad fever I will stagger dose her to get it down. But that is the only time she gets it.
14. monkeyinasuit | September 14th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
I prefer Kefir or yoghurt to keep things “on the go”.
15. Kate | September 15th, 2009 at 12:16 am
I have kind of a freaky memory too, especially for numbers.
And constipation. Hmm. Can’t say I’ve ever heard of anyone being afraid of constipation, but I suppose it can be rather frightening. I don’t mind prunes, I suppose, but don’t purposefully seek them out. Maybe I should.
16. Giselle | September 15th, 2009 at 4:57 am
This is so interesting…because I’ve always avoided Motrin/Advil because I’ve read it does horrible things to your kidneys. We only give it to the kids if we need to double dose/stagger meds for really bad pain like ear infections.
Looks like my liver AND my kidneys are screwed.
But, then, I don’t exactly monitor the stuff my kids intake very well. I suppose if I am willing to risk their little systems to things like the occasional Oreo (trans fat!) or Pepsi (sweetners! caffeine!) or Froot Loops (red dye #whatever)! then I am willing to risk their liver/kidney a bit for the relief that it offers.
It’s not like they get it every day…right?
17. jonniker | September 15th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Giselle — I read that about Motrin, too, but the thing is (for me) is that you can’t KILL YOURSELF with one or two overdoses of Motrin, whereas you can really do some damage with the Tylenol.
This is all very unscientific and stupidly superstitiony for me, you see. Bah. But you’re right, we could make ourselves NUTSO for NO REASON, because really, life is all a calculated risk, and a life without Oreos isn’t worth living.
Diane: ZOMG I tried to make my own prunes, but there was way too much stringy-ness. HOWEVER, I didn’t strain them appropriately, and with a fine enough strainer, I think. I plan to try again.
Are you cooking them first, to get them all plump and happy?
18. Shin Ae | September 15th, 2009 at 7:22 am
I don’t often use Tylenol, either. I used to before I knew how scary it is. But now, yes, we are a Motrin family, too, although that still scares me somewhat as well. I tend to go the homeopathic route if possible (I know so many people think it’s a scam…). A couple items of note: 1. the school nurse told me that often if the pain reliever is needed for a viral illness, Motrin will work better for some reason (I think this is based on anecdotal evidence) and 2. Hyland’s Teething Tablets–babies lived on those for quite some time. Good stuff.
19. Lawyerish | September 15th, 2009 at 7:54 am
As you probably know, I have the same propensity for remembering bizarrely specific details about other people, and sometimes I have to dial it back lest I completely freak people out. When Joe and I first became friends, I would remark about some anecdote he’d told me months before and he would look at me like I’d grown another head. He called me the Steel Trap. Also, I remember when I told you about the Newman’s Own Pineapple Salsa and you tried it, you said, “I want to eat it WITH A SPOON.” (YUM).
I wonder if one of the reasons Tylenol is ok for pregnant women is that they know we’re not sucking down wine along with it, so the liver thing is ok? I mean, aside from the fact that they’ve done a load of studies showing it doesn’t affect the fetus, whereas ibuprofen can cause heart defects or something like that. Anyway, I am terrified to take anything but regular strength Tylenol these days — and then only if I have a RAGING headache. I can only imagine the varying degrees of pain killer paranoia with an infant.
20. slynnro | September 15th, 2009 at 8:28 am
I suffer from the same memory curse. And it irritates me when people don’t remember the same stuff about me!
21. Shelly | September 15th, 2009 at 8:35 am
I have the memory curse, too. Sometimes I’ll pretend like I haven’t told someone something when I know I have, just to see if they remember. They never do. (OR, they think I’m getting old and forgetful and are just humoring me.)
22. Shelly | September 15th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Oh! And! Some of us don’t need prunes. Or Fiber One bars. Or anything else, thankyouverymuch.
23. Jen | September 15th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Ha! I gave Avery prunes last night, and she loved them! I am waiting to see how they appear on the other end though. Gross. Heh.
Also, I am going to buy Baby Motrin after this.
24. susie | September 15th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I used to have the same freaky stalkerish memory abilities (and lack of filter) and then… at some point since i started college, it disappeared. now my friends call me goldfish because my memory is so bad. if my fiance gets me into one of those “yes” “no” “yes” etc fights long enough, not only will i forget what it’s about, if he switches sides, i will go on seamlessly, arguing against myself about something i can’t remember.
wow, so writing that out? makes me think i should seek professional help. but goldfish are really happy right? right? oh god.
25. amandam | September 15th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Tylenol is something I’m deeply suspicious of as well – though that may be wrapped up in the fact that my sister has always been allergic to aspirin, resulting in Tylenol being our “house brand” pain reliever throughout my childhood. I wanted to be like everybody else and have plain old aspirin – better yet, that fruit-flavored St. Joseph’s stuff – but noooooooo. Hence, I still hate it. The Tylenol Killer thing in the 80s didn’t much, either. Viva la Advil!!!
26. kyslp | September 15th, 2009 at 11:19 am
WTF, True Blood? Most season finales could be 2 hours long. I felt like that one could have been a half an hour. Just end it after MaryAnn met her demise.
I’m going to check out those Kohl’s jeans. Baby Got Back. (Unfortunately.)
27. julie | September 15th, 2009 at 11:23 am
You know, the funny thing is, I think Tylenol is safer than Motrin (toxically speaking) (yes, I know that’s not a word). I use Motrin with my daughter, because it works better, but I actually prefer Tylenol (or the generic brand) because I get to give it more often.
Yes. I’m THAT kind of mother.
28. Jess | September 15th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
The thing that I do is analyze on my feet. So if I get into a conversation with someone about something that interests me and that I’ve never thought about before, I will totally spew verbal diarrhea of thoughts about it as they come. This often leads to people saying, “Well, I can tell you’ve been thinking about this for awhile!” in a slightly judge-y, pejorative way–and I always want to be like, NO I HAVEN’T, but I think that would just make things worse.
29. michele | September 15th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
ha! in the books there is a never ending string of events that the keeps the story moving along. just when you think they have conquered it all. there will be more!
i have always found tylenol useless. not afraid of it, but annoyed by it. i had a childhood friend that was ALLERGIC to tylenol. and when you put your allergies on forms to go on trips they never wanted to believe her/her parents!
i think i personally have developed an aspirin allergy.
good think i prefer ibuprofen above all others!
30. michele (mouthy_broad) | September 15th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
aka mouthy_broad see above.
31. Molly | September 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Acetaminophen (Tylenol) is not “less toxic” than ibuprofen (Motrin/Advil) per se – they work via different pathways in the body. NSAIDS like ibuprofen can be very harsh & damaging to the gastro-intestinal system and Tylenol can damage the liver, kidneys and pancreas through overdose. You have to take a whopping dose of ibuprofin to kill yourself but death by Tylenol overdose is much easier to accomplish. NSAIDS & aspirin are implicated in miscarriage, birth defects & other complications during pregnancy. : 0 Can you tell I’m bored & work in the medical-research field?
32. Christine | September 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Oh I love love love prunes. It is not normal. But they are so tasty. They’ve gotten a bad reputation unfairly I’m afraid.
Also, I do believe that you’ve heard my opinion re: True Blood, seriously? oy. That is all.
And lastly, I am so absurdly happy for Lawyerish that it verges on weird. I mean, I don’t know her, might not notice who she was if I was to meet her and yet! so excited for her!
33. jonniker | September 15th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Molly: Because I have researched this TO DEATH, I knew that, which sort of embarrasses me. But it’s PRECISELY what freaks me out about Tylenol and my baby, which I KNOW is irrational. I have this crazy irrational fear that I’m going to, I don’t know, DUMP THE WHOLE THING IN HER MOUTH or something. Which I would obviously never do. I feel better with Motrin, because OD-ing is harder. Which is so dumb.
And yep, Mer & Molly, I ONLY took Tylenol during pregnancy, and in minimal doses. Ibu’s greenlit for the first tri, I think, but VERY BAD in the second and third. But really, I never even CONSIDERED it.
34. Minivan Soapbox | September 15th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Motrin our Mantra here in the house! I’m not really sure WHY we hate Tylenol…But I think when I was pregnant…My mother basically told me that if I ever gave her grandchild Tylenol she would grow an extra head and start liking hard core rap music. So…yea, I’m with you on that.
35. Molly | September 15th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
J,
I totally agree, don’t get me wrong. I was just putting some info out there for some of the other folks. I don’t think it’s irrational at all to be kind of afraid of Tylenol. I got the flu when I was pregnant and was SCARED TO DEATH to take Tylenol to lower my fever because I knew the toxic byproducts do cross the placenta. My husband was like YOU MUST CHILL, you crazy person! Luckily my son was not born with flippers.
Of course I’m freaked out by artificial sweeteners too. We all have our thing. : )
P.S. prunes are nasty. That is all.
36. jonniker | September 15th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
HAHAHA, Molly, I spent an entire afternoon crying over the two glasses of fruit punch with Splenda I had while I was pregnant. CONVINCED that my child was going to be DEFORMED. That’s so funny. Clearly I have artificial sweetener issues too.
37. mjb | September 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
So on the subject of remembering too many facts about people, I just have to say that one time I was on this trip with a guy I had previously had a crush on and his girlfriend (now wife), and I was sharing a room with her. So we were talking about something or other and I mentioned an anecdote from her boyfriend’s childhood – I hadn’t known him then, but his mom had told me and of course I remembered, because that’s what you do when you have a crush on someone. The girl was like, why do you know that story about my boyfriend’s junior high girlfriend? Um…yeah.
38. Swistle | September 15th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Well! Do you know how VERY PERSUASIVE you are? I am now LOOKING ASKANCE at the acetaminophen in the cabinet (which we have in baby, child, and adult versions) and feeling like maybe it’s going to….LUNGE at me. Whereas the ibuprofen now seems to glow angelically.
I have a BAD memory, except that I remember clearly all the times my bad memory EMBARRASSED me by, for example, allowing me to ask someone all about their wedding details, and then ask them THE SAME QUESTIONS a few weeks later, with NO SENSE OF DEJA VU, only a slight feeling that I must be prying or something because the person keeps looking at me funny and pausing before answering.
39. Jen W. | September 16th, 2009 at 11:26 am
I’m so excited that you’re going to read the books. They’re SO MUCH BETTER than True Blood. In fact, you might get all sanctimonious and pissy like me when you start watching TB again, saying, “Hmph. That’s not how it is in the books.”
40. SwingCheese | September 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I’ve never had Tylenol issues and it has always offered relief to my little guy. However – it has not worked for me as an adult. Ever. So I’ve always taken ibuprofen. Then my cousin ended up in the hospital with an ulcer as a direct result of taking (too much) ibuprofen. When I was pregnant, I got migraines with my second trimester. All I could do was lay in a dark room with a cool washcloth on my forehead. It suuuuuuuucked.
41. Kristabella | September 16th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
When I had horrible, horrible acid reflux in the winter, my doctor told me to stop with the Advil. (Mostly because I had, just months before, been ingesting up to 30 a day for a tooth problem which has since been fixed.) And I only then took Tylenol when absolutely necessary and I was in too much pain. I’m back on Advil now. My stomach be damned!
I used to have a memory like that. And then I started drinking and killed off all my brain cells.
42. Briana | September 16th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I haven’t read all 41 previous comments, I don’ t have that kind of time, with a 21 month old who only sleeps for a short nap!
Anyway, we SWEAR by Hyland’s teething tablets. They work better than motrin and tylenol combined! And they are homeopathic, which makes me less worrisome about popping them into his cry-hole.
I also have the crazy stalker memory and NO FILTER TO TURN IT OFF! I get this from my father, it must be genetic.
43. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy | September 17th, 2009 at 1:00 am
I have the same sort of memory. I regularly, and quite unintentionally, creep people the fuck out with it. Especially if it is someone I haven’t seen in forever, and I ask how their grandmother is doing by name and if she still likes impatiens and orchids. Yeah…I’m pretty much a creeper.
OR! When I’m like, “yeah, you know, that time on twitter when you said *insert weird thing*” and the person is all, “I said that?” and has to scan their previous tweets. It makes me feel like I suck at life.
44. Hashak | September 18th, 2009 at 9:36 am
I realize I’m late to the party, but had to comment any way. I can do you one better in the “remembering random, embarrassing details of people you barely know” department.
Sometimes when I go onto facebook and my husband is still logged on to his account I’ll stay on under his name, not to spy on his or anything, but to surf around just to see what people are up to (people I am not friends with) – like a friend’s sister whom I’ve met a few times. Then one night I’m at a bar and a few sheets to the wind and I see a guy who looks familiar and I realize it’s the BOYFRIEND OF THIS FRIEND’S SISTER FROM MY HUSBAND’S FACEBOOK PAGE. And, I am so embarrassed to admit this, I WENT UP AND STARTED TALKING TO HIM, like I knew him or something.
Ugh, I will go my grave still embarrassed by this.
45. Hashak | September 18th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I should add to my above comment that I had never met the boyfriend – I only recognized him from pictures posted on facebook by this friend’s sister.
46. Jonniker. » I’&hellip | January 29th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
[...] her company was doing an upcoming anthology on True Blood. And people, you KNOW how I feel about True Blood, considering it’s the only show I’ve seen in its entirety more than twice since [...]
47. Eva26g | July 14th, 2011 at 8:37 am
Thank you for an informative post.
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