Come Running

I brought Sunny on a playdate this morning at the request of a few of the mothers whose kids are into dogs and hey, wow, how about we do that again on the twelfth day of never? In the course of an hour, she got herself tangled in a raspberry bush, attempted to lick off (oh God) the, um, NAKED PRIVATE PARTS of a toddler (you can imagine the joint chorus of “SUNNY NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!” yes?), and eventually decided she’d had enough of this shit, yo, let’s blow this joint! Catch you later, Mom! HOLLA! She then squeezed underneath a fence and headed off into the nearest busy street.

I have never been so fracking grateful that Sam isn’t yet mobile, because dude, I could just throw her gigantic tiny ass onto the ground and haul after the damn dog without worrying that she was going to run off herself. Thank you Mary, Joseph and JESUS that I ended up with the World’s Largest Baby, which, if you didn’t know, leaves her a little … behind, shall we say it, in the area of physical milestones. I watch videos of Wombat from Leah, and can’t help but notice that she and Simon seem to be SMILING as their baby trucks off into the horizon and not, say, giggling maniacally as they hook their veins up to an IV of Ativan.

I am not remotely ready for mobility. Or two children, apparently, because I’m guessing by the time I have a second, Sam will no longer be content to lay around like Jabba the Hutt (why the extra ‘t’, Jabba?) on whatever blanket or T-shirt happens to be lying nearby. Bonus points if there’s grass she can attempt to stuff into her gaping maw.

(I know I sound mean about my kid and her, uhhh, girth, but seriously, she’s quite literally off the charts in terms of height and weight (21 pounds. Like, uhhh, the size of a one-year-old), and you could lose an entire load of laundry in her Cinnabon-worthy thigh rolls. I think if I weighed that much, I might have bit of a hard time moving around, too. Her head, however, is of the pea-head variety and in the less than 10th percentile. Mah babeh! She suffers from WEE HEAD SYNDROME. This is some sort of PARENTAL KARMA.)

At the risk of being offensive to some, it never fails to give me a hearty chuckle when people refer to their children — infants and toddlers, particularly — as being “wise” or “possessing an old soul” or, really, any commentary on their child’s soul at all. I mean, have you guys spent any time with children? I’m sure their souls are as pure and snowy as a fresh winter’s day, but I can’t help but think that an old, wise soul would be able to poop somewhere other than one’s own pants (and no, the floor doesn’t count), or at least have the good sense God gave them to not eat dirt. There might be a wee bit of projection going on up in this piece, don’t you think?

The usual quick takes, which are never very quick, nor related:

- I love Glee, and it surprises the crap out of me. Nothing about it is my kind of show, and yet? Adorable. Fun. So cute. So available on Amazon download if you, like me, were late to Glee. OH WAIT. I said that BEFORE the wife’s pregnancy went ON even though it’s not really ON and OH HELL, this is what I get for blogging while watching a show and becoming ANNOYED.

- I started reading the Sookie Stackhouse books as a way to prolong the True Blood love, and thus far, I am hooked, and on high alert for her to be getting dressed up in … scrunchies and banana clips.

- I wish I remembered what my boobs looked like before I got pregnant and/or started nursing. Because although I can’t remember exactly, I’m fairly certain that their current incarnation — that of Topless African Naked Tribal Lady on the Cover of National Geographic isn’t what they once were. And it’s very sad.

- I think Andrew Bird is painfully overrated. I have a few albums, and every time I listen to them, I think, “Eh? EH? WHERE IS JESUS? I AM WAITING FOR JESUS TO SHOOT OUT OF THE SPEAKERS.” He never does.

- Since I started dieting, I have lost and then gained back five pounds. I’d say this is THE MOST effective diet EVER, wouldn’t you?

Happy weekend!

*Van Morrison

29 comments September 17th, 2009