Come Running
September 17th, 2009
I brought Sunny on a playdate this morning at the request of a few of the mothers whose kids are into dogs and hey, wow, how about we do that again on the twelfth day of never? In the course of an hour, she got herself tangled in a raspberry bush, attempted to lick off (oh God) the, um, NAKED PRIVATE PARTS of a toddler (you can imagine the joint chorus of “SUNNY NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!” yes?), and eventually decided she’d had enough of this shit, yo, let’s blow this joint! Catch you later, Mom! HOLLA! She then squeezed underneath a fence and headed off into the nearest busy street.
I have never been so fracking grateful that Sam isn’t yet mobile, because dude, I could just throw her gigantic tiny ass onto the ground and haul after the damn dog without worrying that she was going to run off herself. Thank you Mary, Joseph and JESUS that I ended up with the World’s Largest Baby, which, if you didn’t know, leaves her a little … behind, shall we say it, in the area of physical milestones. I watch videos of Wombat from Leah, and can’t help but notice that she and Simon seem to be SMILING as their baby trucks off into the horizon and not, say, giggling maniacally as they hook their veins up to an IV of Ativan.
I am not remotely ready for mobility. Or two children, apparently, because I’m guessing by the time I have a second, Sam will no longer be content to lay around like Jabba the Hutt (why the extra ‘t’, Jabba?) on whatever blanket or T-shirt happens to be lying nearby. Bonus points if there’s grass she can attempt to stuff into her gaping maw.
(I know I sound mean about my kid and her, uhhh, girth, but seriously, she’s quite literally off the charts in terms of height and weight (21 pounds. Like, uhhh, the size of a one-year-old), and you could lose an entire load of laundry in her Cinnabon-worthy thigh rolls. I think if I weighed that much, I might have bit of a hard time moving around, too. Her head, however, is of the pea-head variety and in the less than 10th percentile. Mah babeh! She suffers from WEE HEAD SYNDROME. This is some sort of PARENTAL KARMA.)
At the risk of being offensive to some, it never fails to give me a hearty chuckle when people refer to their children — infants and toddlers, particularly — as being “wise” or “possessing an old soul” or, really, any commentary on their child’s soul at all. I mean, have you guys spent any time with children? I’m sure their souls are as pure and snowy as a fresh winter’s day, but I can’t help but think that an old, wise soul would be able to poop somewhere other than one’s own pants (and no, the floor doesn’t count), or at least have the good sense God gave them to not eat dirt. There might be a wee bit of projection going on up in this piece, don’t you think?
The usual quick takes, which are never very quick, nor related:
- I love Glee, and it surprises the crap out of me. Nothing about it is my kind of show, and yet? Adorable. Fun. So cute. So available on Amazon download if you, like me, were late to Glee. OH WAIT. I said that BEFORE the wife’s pregnancy went ON even though it’s not really ON and OH HELL, this is what I get for blogging while watching a show and becoming ANNOYED.
- I started reading the Sookie Stackhouse books as a way to prolong the True Blood love, and thus far, I am hooked, and on high alert for her to be getting dressed up in … scrunchies and banana clips.
- I wish I remembered what my boobs looked like before I got pregnant and/or started nursing. Because although I can’t remember exactly, I’m fairly certain that their current incarnation — that of Topless African Naked Tribal Lady on the Cover of National Geographic isn’t what they once were. And it’s very sad.
- I think Andrew Bird is painfully overrated. I have a few albums, and every time I listen to them, I think, “Eh? EH? WHERE IS JESUS? I AM WAITING FOR JESUS TO SHOOT OUT OF THE SPEAKERS.” He never does.
- Since I started dieting, I have lost and then gained back five pounds. I’d say this is THE MOST effective diet EVER, wouldn’t you?
Happy weekend!
*Van Morrison
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
29 Comments Add your own
1. tracey | September 17th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
I so so so so SO wish I had taken naughty pictures of myself pre-children. Just to have as proof that I WAS HOT ONCE. That, once upon a time, my skin snapped back to its original location when it was pinched or twisted instead of (oh my God) retaining that twisted shape for longer than I care to admit.
Extra skin. The gifts our kids give us just never end, do they?
2. Jessica | September 17th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Just to let you know, I had one of those impossibly chubby babies like Sam. And he started crawling at 7 months and walking a little after 9. So it is possible! And honestly, I love mobility. With a few exceptions, of course.
3. Carla Hinkle | September 17th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Heh heh heh. I used exactly that phrase (well, not quite EXACTLY but I did say “National Geographic boobs) to describe mine when I had been nursing about 6 months. Let me just warn you that when you wean they will get worse before they get better, as they will be tiny, flat little nothings AND hang down to your knees. Or at least mine did. They did eventually firm up somewhat but have never really regained the … structure … they once had.
4. jonniker | September 17th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Hee. Jessica, I doubt we’ll be there, as she truly is straight-up BEHIND in this stuff. She’s just now rolling over regularly, when most other kids are way, way past that. She’s also nowhere near sitting unassisted.
5. Amy K | September 17th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Enjoy the immobility while it lasts! My (Sam-sized) daughter figured out how to roll from back to stomach and then back again right after she hit five months, and now at six months there’s no stopping her. She’s like a tumbleweed speeding toward whatever object looks the most dangerous – usually electrical cords that her bad parents haven’t babyproofed yet. She still tries to crawl and can scoot forward a little bit, but apparently rolling is easier and much more fun.
6. Corinne | September 17th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Andrew Bird was amazing to me from the Bowl of Fire days up to and including the Mysterious Production of Eggs. The last two albums have been forgettable, and I miss the days that he played venues that sat 100 people or fewer. Jesus has left him. I kinda have, too.
7. Joceline | September 18th, 2009 at 12:21 am
I hear you on the baby-mobility front. My kids both don’t get the actual crawling-memo until a normal age, but start doing some sort of stroke-victim-army-crawling-mobility-thing at just before 6 months. They get super fast at it at an inappropriate age and I spend playdates at the park chasing my 6-month-old out of the duck pond, while the other 6-month-olds sit on a blanket looking angelic and the mothers relax and chat. Blerg.
8. Sara | September 18th, 2009 at 1:30 am
Holy cats! She’s bigger than my 14 month old, but that’s not super hard to do. Baby mobility stuff is funny. Before I had one I assumed that all babies did things on the same basic time line. My son crawled at 7 months, but didn’t sit until 11. I eventually figured out that it was because he simply chose not to, ever. But still, go figure.
9. Cookie | September 18th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Enjoy the non-mobile baby. Nick started sitting and crawling and pulling himself up at 6-months (so much the better for chasing after his big brother). It sucked. And then he started walking… Babies do everything at their own pace. My oldest never crawled.
I love Glee. It’s not what I usually watch, but it’s actually really entertaining. Although I agree, the wife pregnancy thing, what?
When I want to remember what my boobs looked like before pregnancy and nursing, I put on a Victoria’s Secret Push Up Bra. It’s the only way.
10. The New Girl | September 18th, 2009 at 6:54 am
Oh, ha ha! HA HAAA! HAA HA HA HA HAAAAAA! I could NOT stop laughing at the idea of your dog at the playdate, acting fresher than any toddler. OMFG.
Also? The picture of you tossing your daughter to the ground to haul ass after your freshie dog STILL has me laughing. Only I shouldn’t laugh because I’m quite sure in a couple months that will BE MY LIFE, only I’ll be dumping my own infant to run after my TODDLER. (My dog hasn’t seen the light of day in 2+ years.)
Lastly, I’m surprised that you have yet to come across the ubiquitous scrunchie-slash-banana clip in the book….Sookeh is QUITE the *fashion plate* on the page.
11. AndreAnna | September 18th, 2009 at 6:57 am
I have the opposite – skinny kids who morph into football playing todders.
My daughter was 18 pounds at her one-year well. Now, at 3, she is taller than most 4 year olds and in 5-T clothes, and STRONG LIKE OX.
My son, 14 monts, is only 22 pounds, but if you even THINK about taking away his bottle, he uses some kind of jedi strength to rip it out of your hands, arch himself on the floor and yell STELLAAAAAAAAAA!!
And yes about Glee. Love it. Hate the wife and the stupid pregnancy storyline. It’s banal and overdone and the show is much better than that.
“Who is Josh Groban?! KIll yourself. He is an angel sent from Heaven to deliver platinum records upon us!”
Ha.
12. Carla Hinkle | September 18th, 2009 at 7:00 am
PS my good friend had a baby that was slow to mobility and it helped her decide that hey, sure, let’s have another baby! when he was 8 months old. Let’s just say things were a little…challenging… when #2 arrived and #1 was 17 months old and running crazily everywhere. She waited a leeeetle longer before going for #3.
13. MinivanSoapbox | September 18th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I am very surprised at my enjoyment of Glee. Which, by the way, is also available on Hulu for free. But don’t you think it’s a bit weird that they sang “I want to sex you up” at a PTA meeting…Just saying. But I’m kind of thinking I wouldn’t mind going to THAT PTA meeting.
14. Jamie | September 18th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Re: Andrew Bird – YESSSSSSSSS. Thank you for saying this. I thought I was the only one. Because, you know…meh. (shrugs)
15. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | September 18th, 2009 at 9:05 am
I think it takes about five years before a child can earn that title of an ‘old soul’ or ‘wise.’ My son is 7 and this morning, he was complaning about how he hates having recess and snack at the end of the day. Then he bitched about how cold he was. Then he dozed in the middle of a show he was watching. Now that I type that out, I think I’m confusing ‘old soul’ with ‘grumpy old man.’
We watched this week’s Glee last night, and when it was over, my husband sighed happily and announced, “I don’t know why I like it, but I LOVE IT.” That could also be his explanation for our lasting marriage.
16. Someone Being Me | September 18th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Too funny. I also love Glee for no apparent reason. It falls under the list of shows I love that were absolutely nothing like my high school experience. Also on that list are Friday Night Lights and One Tree Hill. I may have a sickness.
17. Jess | September 18th, 2009 at 9:39 am
The projecting thing totally happens at the dog park too. Like you can always tell the ones who had social issues at school because they are always rending garments over how their poor dog is being left out of the pack.
18. She Likes Purple | September 18th, 2009 at 10:03 am
This morning I got visibly annoyed with Kyle for crawling. I think I said, “Seriously, Kyle? Can’t you just stay still? I have to get on Twitter for one damn minute.” Which makes me QUITE the parent, right?
19. -R- | September 18th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Mobility isn’t that bad because it starts off REALLY slowly, so you have some time to get used to it. Not that it’s easy to constantly chase down a baby, but it’s not as bad as it may seem (assuming you are not also trying to chase down a rogue, baby-licking dog at the same time).
I know a baby who is 8 months old and is wearing size 18 months clothes. And they are tight! He has not yet even made any kind of attempt to crawl yet. I don’t know if the non-movement is because of his size or what, but eh, he’ll crawl eventually. In the meantime, he is super cute.
20. Jen | September 18th, 2009 at 10:09 am
It still amazes me that I can wake up like Pamela Anderson and go to bed looking like, um, wicked skinny Keira Knightley. The breastfeeding boobs are magical.
Avery is still mostly a stationary baby, and I am considering stapling her pants to the floor to keep her that way.
21. Christine | September 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I was that chubby baby. So, eh, she’ll walk eventually,
22. Kristin H | September 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
My favorite baby period is when they can sit, but they can’t crawl. With my first, that time lasted an impressive four months. And what a blessed four months they were.
23. Leah | September 18th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I like Andrew Bird okay (the early stuff, at least), but I think the reason people are so ga-ga about him is because of his concerts. Apparently he plays EVERYTHING, including some really weird homemade instruments?, and he’s a genius at improv. Also, there’s that whole “I have to like Andrew Bird or I’m not cool” factor, which, sadly, is largely at play.
24. Swistle | September 18th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I am SO GLAD I don’t know for sure what I looked like pre-babies, because I suspect my foggy memory is being kind, very kind.
I KNOW. People used to say my firstborn had an “old soul,” presumably because he was looking off dimly into the middle distance as he pooped.
25. Kristabella | September 18th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I’m scared for my boobs if I ever have kids because, um, let’s just say they are quite saggy on their own now.
I watched Glee for the first time this week and I loved it! More than I thought I would because generally with that much hype, I usually hate it.
I’ve lost and gained the same 10 pounds for the last 6 months. Good times.
26. Amie | September 20th, 2009 at 11:07 am
In Sookie book 2, she uses a Hair agami (as seen on tv) so you have that to look forward to. At one point, I believe Bill helps her take it off. I can just picture the vampire thinking “WTF? 130 years and this is what humtans have progressed to?”
27. julie | September 21st, 2009 at 12:01 pm
2 kids gave me a great rack. I know it’s not the norm, but I went from a B cup to a D cup. For the first time in my life…CLEAVAGE!
I recently brought my toddler to a doggie party. The complete opposite, but just as exhausting and ridiculous.
Still on the fence about Glee, but since I’m not a True Blood fan, I’m hoping we’ll have something material and meaningless to bond over…
28. kathy | September 21st, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Holey moley! My Adam is only 25 pounds! And he’s 3! LOL!
29. willikat | September 21st, 2009 at 9:15 pm
This made me laugh out loud for several reasons.
I had to comment about Andrew Bird though. I love him, but I don’t think he’s Jesus. I hate when bands get overrated because then you can’t just enjoy them for who they are or what kind of music they make. But every time I hear an Andrew Bird song, I think “Wow, I like that song!” and then inevitably it’s him.
But that IS how I feel about Bon Iver. My GOD, that guy really didn’t even do something interesting, in my mind.
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