Graceland
September 22nd, 2009
I don’t think anyone can deny that being a parent gives you new insight into your own parents, for better or worse. Sometimes, it’s wondering how a parent could possibly abandon one’s child, and sometimes it’s overwhelming sympathy for how a parent handled what you now realize was an incredibly difficult situation. I can’t believe I’m admitting that I’ve given more than a fleeting thought to Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t punch me right in the gut every time I see Gisele talking about Tom’s son, John, as if he were HER child, and look at pictures of him snuggled into her on the beaches of whatever tropical destination the family happens to be on at the moment. Because man, poor everyone, but my heart bleeds most for Bridget Moynahan, who, as the kid’s MOTHER, seems to be forgotten. And break-ups and step-parenting are hard enough without watching your child’s life when he’s not with you play out on the public stage.
My parents divorced when I was relatively young (about six or seven — I’m honestly not sure), and each of them remarried relatively quickly, to the people they are still married to, to this day. And though I am loath to say anything that could be construed as airing dirty family laundry here, I think we can all agree that things were rocky, at best, for a not-insignificant portion of my childhood and adolescence. Some of the resulting fallout was appropriate and understandable, and a lot of it was wildly inappropriate and awful, and frankly, it’s only in recent years that I’ve given myself a pass on feeling guilty for “causing” any of the hideousness. I was, I realized, only a kid after all, whereas they were ADULTS, you know? You know.
But now that I’m a parent, I see some things a little differently. I see how incredibly hard it must be to be put in a position to parent what is, essentially, someone else’s child, and that as much as you’d like to keep things equitable and even, blending a family is a daunting challenge, especially if you’re bringing your own children into the mix. It’s not really an adoption — the child is never really fully yours — but the expectation of love, devotion and treatment is there, and rightfully so, I suppose. And on the other hand, watching another woman or man raise YOUR child as if they were their own, right in front of your very eyes? Oh, my heart. I’d like to pretend I’d be able to be the bigger person and be happy that they were with someone who seems to love them, but I’m not sure my envy could be contained. Step-parent/child relationships are almost always challenging — I think that’s well within the range of normal — but still, it must take a superhuman effort to maintain propriety and positivity when your child — your CHILD — complains about the other parent/step-parent.
It’s all so complicated and hideous and oh, my poor parents. All four of them — all four of them, by the way, whom I love deeply and at this point equally, both biological and by marriage. They did their best under not unusual, but no less heartwrenching, circumstances. If there was any lingering bitterness, it fell away the moment I had Samantha. All is forgiven, if not forgotten, and my heart grew three sizes not just for my daughter, but for the people who raised me.
I have many reasons to hope that Adam and I maintain a happy, healthy marriage, and we’ve both worked hard at it, even — no, perhaps, especially — since bringing Sam into the mix. I know there’s a time when it’s better for everyone to walk away, but I also know that it’s harder on everyone when that happens. I wish for many things, but after the health and safety of our little family, this tops the list.
Introspection and depth, brought to you by … Tom Brady. Never saw that one coming.
On a lighter note, remember how I was all, “I AM NEVER DRESSING MY DAUGHTER IN PINK! DOWN WITH GIRLY CLOTHES!” Hey, you know, it turns out I pretty much lied, because I have since gotten over myself and realized that holy crap, girl clothes are freakin’ cute. What I will not do, however, is spend a lot of money on them, because dudes, do you have any idea how FAST kids grow out of shit? I love this kid more than life itself, but I think I’d be inclined to want to stab my own eyeballs out if I spent more than $15 for an outfit for her at this stage and that’s … on the high end. Carter’s outlets and I are BFF, is what I’m saying.
What I am also saying is that MAN, this kid is cute, and MAN, this outfit kills me.
The hooded vest! The fleece pants! THE HOODED VEST! HAHAHAHAHA.
Happy Wednesday, everyone.
*Paul Simon. Because the lyrics — hell, the whole ALBUM — is fitting.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
27 Comments Add your own
1. leenie | September 22nd, 2009 at 9:15 pm
aye aye ye…i’m dating a single dad, and have been for over a year and just met the ex wife. i don’t know how to do this right, to love the kid, and love the man, and also be kind and loving to the ex. i’m trying, but yikes.
thanks for writing about this. i feel like i’m floating off in no-mans land with no direction or thought or anything.
also, sam is a-freaking-dorable. i love the vest! with hood!! gack! the cuteness!
2. Kristin | September 22nd, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Wow–I’m never the first commenter! Anyway, your kid is so super cute. I love the outfit too. Also, I agree with everything you said in your post. It’s amazing how different your perspective becomes when you have a child. It made me extremely forgiving of any wrong I had convicted my parents of previously. Being a parent is HARD. Being an adult in general is hard, but trying to raise your child without messing up their life completely is no easy feat.
3. Cindy | September 22nd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Years ago I found myself in pretty much the same situ(minus the rich & famous part, of course)as Bridget Moynahan. So her drama hit pretty close to home with me. I, too, was appalled at Bundchen’s lack of respect for Jack’s mommy. But as bad as that all was…am I the only one who has noticed that since she got preggers with her own TB offspring, there hasn’t been a single sighting of Jack with Brady & Bundchen. Coincidence?
4. TwoBusy | September 22nd, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Nothing wrong with that at all. Tom Brady can teach us a lot about ourselves. Even if he can’t hit Joey Galloway in traffic.
5. Carmen | September 22nd, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I love the hooded vest! I hate pink and I swore I’d never dress Lexi in it. But…we received a lot of clothes from others – all pink. My hatred of pink has waned a bit, but I still tend to buy her red or green or orange clothes if I have a choice. That being said, sometimes you just can’t avoid it if the clothes are that cute. Oy, the hooded vest.
6. tracey | September 23rd, 2009 at 1:19 am
I love all baby clothes. ADORABLE. The teeny tiny stuff is so sweet, it’s almost edible. (almost. I tried once and that fleece hooded vest is sweet, but not very tasty. At least I didn’t bite the baby!)
(Well, I HAVE bitten babies, but only very gently and never with my teeth. Just a little lip munching cuz they are so darn CUTE.)
(Not a cannibal. Swear.)
7. Jeanne | September 23rd, 2009 at 5:26 am
Parenthood changes soooo many of the beliefs that you hold to be true! For me, divorce is no longer an option because there’s no way I’d be able to deal with shared custody. To not have access to my daughter for a week at a time would KILL me. Of course, I can say this because my husband is only mildly annoying at times, he’s not abusive or a cheater (those traits would change everything).
And the sole reason we didn’t tell anyone ahead of time that we were having a girl was so that we wouldn’t be bombarded with PINK EVERTHING! We got over the aversion to pink though because some of that girly stuff is absolutely adorable. Be prepared for Sam to go through a phase where all she wants to wear are clothes that are pink and/or purple, I think it’s a requirement for preschool girls. Don’t worry, they often outgrow it!
8. Giselle | September 23rd, 2009 at 5:49 am
Okay, that color pink is totally cute and not the obnoxious Pepto-bismol pink. And the stripes totally make it acceptable. I’ve reluctantly learned to embrace pink (my 3 yr old daughter has decided it is her favorite color), but I still put my foot down on lace and ruffles and lace with ruffles and that horrible horrible shade of pink that makes me want to trade her in for a boy.
And, yes, parenting does many amazing things, accepting and appreciating your parents being numero uno. Now how long do I have to wait until my OWN children learn to appreciate me?
9. Swistle | September 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 am
1. I am SO GLAD you have come to like pink! Because it was a rift in our relationship. A RIFT.
2. I think of “staying together for the sake of the children” ENTIRELY DIFFERENTLY now. Like, not “because it makes the children happier” but more “because now if we split up it would be HELL ON EARTH because we have children together.”
10. Swistle | September 23rd, 2009 at 7:43 am
Oh! Wait! I don’t mean AT ALL anything about parents therefore not divorcing! Heavens no! I mean that when Paul’s inability to handle laundry has me fantasizing about divorce, all I have to do is think how hellish it would be to still have to be in touch with each other as reasonable parents. ACK ACK ACK EMPATHY. But of course I am not comparing that to the kinds of big reasons that cause parents to divorce.
11. Cookie | September 23rd, 2009 at 7:55 am
I am so jealous of baby girl clothes. Not that I don’t love my boys, and I’ve bought them some cute things (fuzzy bear slippers, hats with ears, hats with horns, but I digress), it never compares to the extent of the adorable girl clothes.
Also I am right there with you both with Tom Brady, and the step parenting thing. Although, my experience was a little different as neither of my parents are still married to their second (and third) spouses, only one of whom was particularly interested in raising my brother and me. But yes my heart bleeds for Bridget Moynahan every time I see a picture of Gisele snuggling her baby.
12. H | September 23rd, 2009 at 8:32 am
I spent a few hours last weekend speaking with one of my daughter’s friends who has been saddled with planning her own graduation celebration because her divorced parents don’t get along and there are rifts between step-parents and other family members don’t get along. It was all I could do to refrain from offering to plan and host her party for her. (I’m slightly more than a stranger to her mom and I’ve never met her dad – it would be rather odd.) My heart broke for her. And I will keep up with her progress with the party and offer to help, if it seems appropriate. I’m sure it is a difficult situation all around and I don’t judge her parents at all, but I so badly want to make this all better for her.
You have an adorable daughter!
13. Shelly | September 23rd, 2009 at 8:49 am
Totally love Carter’s outlets! The less expensive the kid’s clothes, the better. Makes me less angry when my daughter tears through the knees of her jeans in two weeks.
And yes, having children makes you see your parents in a whole new light. I agree with you – I’m committed to my marriage, not just for myself, but to avoid putting my children through the mess I went through in my childhood.
14. Annie | September 23rd, 2009 at 9:12 am
I traded Tom Brady from my fanatsy football team for the sheer fact that he’s a douche. The team I put together after I kicked Brady off ended up winning me the game that week. Can you say karma?
I am not married and don’t have any children, but I gained a whole new level of respect for my parents when I student taught high school students. I was nothing short of a defiant knowitall bratface to my parents (inparticular, my Mom) when I was in high school. I’m sure this level of appreciation will continue to increase as I get married and have my own kids, but man. I don’t know why my Mom didn’t just kick me in the throat when I was 15. I totally deserved it!
15. Jen | September 23rd, 2009 at 9:18 am
I’m all about the cheap clothes too! It seems like they only wear them for a few weeks, so as long as they are soft and wash well, I am all over it! I’ve even found some cute yoga pants at WalMart – the Garanimals stuff isn’t half bad. (Also, Avery has that outfit too! Love the hood! The vest! So cute.)
The whole Gisele thing annoyed me too. I give Bridget a lot of credit for staying quiet, because I would be rip roaring about her talking about Jack like he was her child. Ugh.
16. Kate | September 23rd, 2009 at 9:20 am
Having come from a similar background, I do know!
17. AndreAnna | September 23rd, 2009 at 10:04 am
Another thing Tom Brady has taught me? Chin dimples are SEX-AY.
18. -R- | September 23rd, 2009 at 10:06 am
I almost bought that same outfit for B in blue, orange, and brown. It is so cute! I buy most of B’s clothes at the Carter’s outlet and Kohl’s. Oh, and also a local store that sells lightly worn clothes because I am not spending $25 on overalls, people.
I am fine with pink in moderation, but if you start making her wear clothes that say “Daddy’s Little Princess,” we may have to have a serious talk. Except that I probably shouldn’t talk because I am pretty sure B has two shirts that say something like, “I Love Mommy.”
19. Anonymous | September 23rd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Mmm, I love how Tom Brady got worked into this convo. Even without the star quarterback thing, that man is dead sexy.
I don’t know much about divorce. But I’ve seen married couples with kids where one parent obviously has no voice, and the grandparents and other spouse just run shit. It is disgusting to see and leaves me wondering: Why do the grandparents thing it’s their job to override the meek parent? Why doesn’t the meek parent man up and say I’m the parent here? Why does the spouse tolerate this bs out of either the grandparents or the meek spouse? Grrrr.
20. Laura | September 23rd, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Oh, you just took me back. My son had that same little outfit (in blue) last fall and I had so much trouble giving it up when he outgrew it. Hooded vest!
I had a moment recently when it came to forgiving my parents, too (who are not divorced). My dad had always been a social, outdoor smoker when I was little but then when I was around 9 or 10 it was all of a sudden 2 packs a day, in the car with us, in the house whenever, etc and I was mad at him for years about that. Especially after I had kids, wondering how he thought it was ok to expose us to all that smoke.
And then I overheard a conversation my dad had with my husband about how he started really smoking when he joined AA and it was the only way he could quit the alcohol. I had never put the time frame together before, but it’s true. And if I had a choice between him smoking or drinking, OMG smoking every time. And so while I still get judgy when I see people who are pushing strollers while puffing away, I try to remember that we are all just doing the best that we can. My kids will have plenty to forgive me for, I’m sure.
21. Cori | September 23rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Yes, yes, yes! I was just talking about this to my husband the other day.
In related news, my daughter lived in Geranimals clothes from Wal-Mart for the first two years of her life. Can’t beat $2.50 pants!
22. Jen W. | September 23rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Aw. Sam looks like she represents Baskin-Robbins! The pink!
23. Penny | September 23rd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I have daily awe for my mother, who raised two girls single-handedly. I can’t even imagine.
Get used to the pink, because cheap girl clothes are all pink. It’s endless.
24. Penny | September 23rd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Can I say “daily awe”? I think I just goofed. I should have said, “I am in awe on a daily basis.” Gejus. Comment sections need an edit function.
25. Kristin H | September 23rd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Oh, pink. After a while you have to give in because the day she says that’s her favorite color and that’s only color she will wear and she WANTS HER PINK SHIRT AGAIN TODAY MOMMY is the day you know you are beaten.
My friend smugly told me one day that her daughter will never have anything princess-related (as my daughter was deep in the throes of all things Disney), so I am waiting for her to eat crow any day now. Ah, karma.
26. julie | September 23rd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I’m going to skip over the profound nature of this post to focus on one thing: Baby Clothes Karma.
When I had my first, my closest friends gave me all their baby boy clothes. When I was done, I passed them along. When my daughter was born, I knew NO ONE with girls who were at the point (ie: finished breeding) of being able to part with clothes. And then I got a call out of the blue. Someone I went to school with who heard I’d had a girl. Next day, she came over with garbage bags filled with clothes. I’ve since given those away, too.
All this to say, I truly believe in Baby Clothes Karma. If you give, you will receive. I think I’ve spent, collectively, less than $300 on clothes for my kids. I have a 3 1/2 yr old and a 21 month old.
This goes for toys, strollers, and other baby gear, too.
27. Blythe | October 1st, 2009 at 8:45 pm
I am eons late to this discussion but wanted to chime in and say yes. This is important and interesting and so very multilayered. (Divorce, not pink baby clothes, although that is a riveting point as well. I, myself, have Strong Opinions about puppy- and truck- decorated boys’ clothing. SO . Tired. of. it.)
My parents divorced when I was eleven and though they’ve always been civil and it was relatively easy/smooth, it still makes life difficult for me. In fact, I think it became more difficult as I got older because now I’m aware of the awkwardness and anger between them whereas I was a nicely self-centered pre-teen when they divorced and they did a decent job of hiding it all from me.
That’s all to say that, yes, now that I have a child I see this topic in a different way. It’s no less painful but it makes me understand everything better.
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