Paper Bag
September 24th, 2009
I cannot get over the swiftness and relative ease with which I willingly pick my child’s nose. It’s one of those quintessential parenting moments that embarrasses and humbles me, because I KNOW the childless among you are going, seriously? She’s talking about this? She’s one of THOSE? And I know, right? I KNOW. I know how awful and ridiculous it is to DO, much less talk about. But God, how far the mighty have fallen. A few years ago, I was overcome with a wave of nausea at the mere sight of another person’s boogers, and just today, I willingly plucked someone else’s from their little nose-hole and instead was overcome with a wave of satisfaction. Parenting is one non-stop acid trip set to a Sigur Ros-penned soundtrack, where upside-down is right side up and right side up is … I don’t know, the universe where picking someone else’s nose is not only considered polite, but widely accepted.
Ugh. I sort of hate myself for the above paragraph, but the mind, it BOGGLES.
***
I have to hand it to Adam, by the way, for one of the better things about him — and I mean in the petty, not-important sense, not the handsome, kind and big-time shit, sense — is his penchant for junk food and candy. Usually this is a bit on the frustrating side — it’s not exactly easy being on a diet when you have a man who regularly comes home with those big, soft grocery store cookies. You know, the kind that comes in a bag with the silvery tabs? And the cookies are BIG and SOFT and MOST DEFINITELY made with Crisco. Ahem. Anyway, I can usually ignore the cookies, but what I cannot ignore is a giant pack of Fun Dip.
Fun. Dip. What was the last time you had Fun Dip? I assure you, it was far too long ago and that it is, indeed, as fun as the name promises. And the dipper, if you recall, is called a Lik A Stik. Which sounds more than a little on the porny side, and it’s not inaccurate, as you continue to dip this … sti(c)k into a little packet of powder and lasciviously lick it off, going back for more more more like some kind of bizarre sugar-cocaine addict, but MAN, Fun Dip is … well. Deliciously gross and grossly delicious. And we now have an effing JUMBO PACK in our kitchen, if anyone wants to come by.
***
Perhaps the most frightening and shocking thing about Vermont is the spiders. You guys, I have never in my 33 years seen spiders like this. Spider webs! Everywhere! With spiders the size of an effing QUARTER. And last night, while I was walking the dog, I stood there, riveted, as I watched a spider feed on a wrapped up INSECT like some kind of personal view into Charlotte’s Web. And ALLLL I could think of was Shelob the Giant Spider from Tolkein and ALLLL I dreamed about, all night long, was giant spiders devouring my flesh and if you, or anyone, thinks I’m ever going outside at night again, you are ALLLL OUT OF YOUR MIND.
In OTHER insect news, I took the baby to the park today while we waited for a friend, and honest to sweet LORD what the FUCK, people? Is it not AUTUMN? It was like MIDSUMMER MOSQUITO’S DREAM up in there, and I now have three (3) bites in each of my armpits, leaving me scratching my underarms every fifteen minutes like some kind of orangutan. And worse, I was sitting there playing the “How Big Is Samantha?” “SO BIG!” game, when in the middle of the “SO BIG!” portion of our show, I noticed a mosquito draining the blood from her forehead, and I promptly SLAPPED MY BABY IN THE HEAD, killing the mosquito and scaring the bejesus out of my child, complete with heaving, startled tears.
This injustice is second only to the time when I was nursing her in the park, cradling her head with one arm, when my other arm was suddenly STUNG BY A WASP and I abruptly yanked my arm out from under her to smack the wasp away and ZOMG TEARS and DRAMA, because her head just clonked right down on my knee. Kind of hard. And then, just now, oh thank you Amalah, I see that I am not the only person to do this (the mosquito-slapping bit, not the knee-clonking bit), and once again, the Internet makes me feel NORMAL.
***
I made plans to go to the movies in two weeks with some girlfriends. It will be my first — and longest — real outing to do something purely enjoyable, other than, say, getting my hair done or frantically running to Target solo, since Sam’s been born. Yep, folks, it’s been MORE THAN SIX MONTHS, and I haven’t left the baby at all. Crazytown, right? What’s crazier is that I haven’t really minded, especially since she now goes to bed between 7 and 7:30, and our evenings! They are FREE! FREE! FREEEEEEEE! And while Sam is easier and can drink from a cup now and eats the occasional meal not procured from my bosom, that didn’t stop Adam’s initial reaction from … well, you’d think I’d asked him to FLY A PLANE. He’s more than willing, certainly, but this brave new world — one that involves her being detached from my bosom for more than an hour — is new to both of us. Oh, the POSSIBILITIES.
Happy weekend!
* Fiona Apple. When next I speak with you, I will have NEW HAIR. And there will be PHOTOS if it’s good! If not, there will be PHOTOS OF ME IN A PAPER BAG. HA HA GET IT.
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs
24 Comments Add your own
1. Stacey | September 24th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I have been drawn out of lurkerdom, because………Fun Dip comes in jumbo packs?? I think you have just made my day!!
2. Beth Fish | September 24th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Have you wiped her runny nose on your shirt yet? And then walked around in the snot smeared shirt for the rest of the day? And possibly a goodly portion of the next day too? Because if not, hey, something to which to look forward.
3. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | September 24th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
The other afternoon, I walked out to get the mail and came face to face with a praying mantis as big as my arm. In fact, I think that damn thing flipped it’s head around at me, full of swagger like he’s damn Jay-Z, and told me the postman hadn’t been around yet. Also, it was red, and I was all, “Damn, Satanic Praying Mantis!!!” so yeah…bugs are not cool. Harvesting a giant baby booger, however, is. I know. Sad, really, but it’s true. We all know it.
4. Slynnro | September 24th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
ZOMG I love FunDip! And Aaron informed me tonight he us taking me on a candy store tour on Saturday!
5. jonniker | September 24th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Stacey: Yes, but I sure hope you have kids, because we found the jumbo packs at … Toys R Us.
6. Shana | September 24th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Haaa. It’s like the time I was eighteen and utterly shocked by my gay-best-friend, Jason, slapping my bathing-suit-clad arse (to kill a bug). Only, you know, more so, what with her being tiny and you being her mom and it being her face. (What? I’m not only a wordsmith, I’m a THOUGHTSMITH. Heh.)
7. Shana | September 24th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Wait. I just called Sam tiny. You know what I mean. Is it vodka o’clock yet? Why yes, it certainly is! Excuse me, I hear something in the other room.
8. Marilyn (ALotofLoves) | September 24th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Is it wrong that I totally laughed out loud when I read that you (and Amalah actually) slapped your baby in an (I assume) automatic reflex to kill a mosquito. I did that to. And then I felt so bad. Their little trusting faces all shocked and sad. It’s such an automatic thing though right? See a mosquito – slap it.
Re: Big spiders. You ain’t seen nothin’ The other night there was a wolf spider in the house that was so big I could actually hear the clicking of his legs as he walked across the floor. My cats will eat then but leave the legs. So we have little piles of spider legs left here and there.
9. TwoBusy | September 24th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
See, people kept making fun of me when I talked about The Biggest Spider in Vermont. Thank you for validating that I am/was not completely insane, at least insofar as this is concerned.
Also: Marilyn’s comment above? Is just about the grossest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. If I lived in a house where cats ate giant hairy spiders and left hundreds of giant hairy spider legs all over the house… I don’t know what I’d do, beyond going completely bugfuck crazy.
10. HollyLynne | September 24th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
ooh . . . Fun Dip. I am twitching just thinking about it. Fun Dip and Nerds and Gobstoppers and PIXIE STIX. I need to get me some sugar.
11. Mama Bub | September 24th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
I vividly remember being at the mini-mart where we were vacationing when I was a child, desperate to buy Fun Dip because it’s what all the cool kids had, and being completely unable to figure out how to separate the little packs. Because, I thought, I had to separate them to buy one individually. And the lady was like, “you break that, you’re buying it.” I may have cried.
And between this post and Amalah’s today, I may have to officially evacuate the internet because I’m sure I’ll never sleep a bug nightmare free sleep again.
12. The New Girl | September 25th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Kid, I actually SNORTED at the description of the mosquito-smacking incident.
OMFG.
And fun dip? It’s been aaaages and all I really remember is the weird, puckered feeling my mouth had afterward.
13. Jen | September 25th, 2009 at 10:06 am
OMG, the boogers! I am all over them. I can’t help myself. So gross, but she needs a booger harvester!
And YES for you going out to the movies! My husband feels the same way as Adam, so I’ve done a tiny trip here or there (OK, TWO since she was born more than 6 months ago) to the library to test drive him being on his own. I’m thinking he’ll be ready for me to go to a movie in say, 6 more months.
14. Jess | September 25th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I would totally do that mosquito thing too. Must stop wearing rings once I have a child.
Good luck at the hair appointment!
15. Rebecca (Bearca) | September 25th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I’m sure this is not a popular sentiment, but I consider picking my children’s noses as an actual PERK of parenthood. It’s satisfying.
THERE I SAID IT.
(Am embarrassed.)
16. MinivanSoapbox | September 25th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I don’t think it’s just Vermont and the spiders. I’m completely convinced that Spiders Across America have joined forces – and they are starting their attack. If we don’t keep up with it…Our entire house will be encased in spider webs within days. Please send help.
17. Cookie | September 25th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
I’ve totally used my sleeve as a kleenex. And I would do the head smack thing with a mosquito. Also the knee smack thing.
Spiders are awful. We have one that lives on our front steps. And every time my husband wipes away a web (cause I’m not going near that thing) it builds a new one. Luckily they aren’t too big around where I live. But the ones down South or back in the Seattle area. Oh boy. They used to get into my house growing up. Those things could take up an entire stair step.
Congrats on the movie plans. I don’t think I went anywhere other than to work for entire first year without my baby, except maybe a quick dinner on our anniversary. So yeah, all my movies were rented. Hope you have a great time.
18. Lynn | September 25th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
All I can say to this post is yes, yes, and more yes.
It’s weird how you can pick your kids’ noses with no trouble, yet still be horrified to see some other kid with a runny nose on the playground. Hm.
Fun Dip is my most favourite candy, EVAH. I’ll be right over.
As for mosquito bites and wasp stings…well, that’s never happened to me. But man, was that ever hilarious!
19. shriek house | September 25th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
At first I read that as *Adam* being unattached to your bosom for more than an hour and thought, wow, uh, go you guys!
Oh and when you went straight from boogers to Lik a Stix I thought you were going to suggest some sort of ungodly combo, like a marshmallow-flavored booger extractor or… ew, I’ll just stop there.
The things I disliked about Vermont were the mosquitos, mud season, and the utter lack of decent avocados. Spiders were promptly dispatched by my husband and never bothered me. Much. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it, anyway!
20. Trenches of Mommyhood | September 28th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I loved the booger-picking and am now sad that my youngest is 4 and can pick (and eat) his own boogers on his own.
(Just re-read that and want to clarify that I, did not, in fact EAT HIS BOOGERS. I just picked them.)
And ear-cleaning is satisfying too, by the way. Especially with grimy boyz.
(This is getting weird. Must stop. Okthxbai.)
21. Style Bard | September 28th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
a) omg I want a Fun Dip right -now-!
b) Laughed so hard it hurt reading about you smacking poor Sam’s face. Too good, thank you so much for sharing with us!
22. cindy w | September 29th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
The mosquito-slapping made me laugh out loud – both your version as well as Amalah’s – because I have done that *exact* thing to my daughter when she was a baby. It’s an instinct. And afterward you feel simultaneously awful and full of giggles.
Mmm. Fun Dip. Now I need to go see if I can find some.
23. Rhi | September 29th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Lame, but I just have to say, I love that Fiona Apple song.
24. Rhi | September 29th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Um, my COMMENT is lame. That is what I meant.
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