The Kids Don’t Stand A Chance
October 5th, 2009
For all my talk of how I’m still ME and all this parenting stuff is sort of falling into place, ahoy!, once in a while an event happens — not necessarily a MAJOR event, but an event nonetheless — to remind me that Jesus, folks, no. Life is not the same. At all.
A couple days ago my friend Tasha asked if I wouldn’t mind lending her my car — and my company — to go pick up a swath of rug for her son Archer’s playroom that she’d found on Craigslist. Granted, it was kind of a haul — about an hour and a half away — but hey, we could make it a road trip! FUN! And I’m all YES! Road trip! FUN! And then there’s the part where we we came to our senses and were all, WE HAVE CHILDREN. ROAD TRIPS ARE NOT FUN WITH CHILDREN.
Oh, except that never happened. We continued, undaunted, with our attitude of “Road trip! FUN!”
There was a time, I swear to God you guys, when a road trip meant Combos and illicit cigarettes and blasting Peter Gabriel or — ooh ooh, maybe some Vampire Weekend! What the COOL KIDS are listening to! — and the windows, they would be down as we tooled through the idyllic Vermont landscape pointing out beautiful clusters of leaves and marveling at how RELAXING life was and GEE, ISN’T THIS LOVELY?
Oh hey, guess what? IT IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL WITH CHILDREN.
Taking off, if you will, involved a ridiculous amount of preparation involving tandem car seat installation, and picking up straps in case we had to tie the rug to the roof and the packing of diaper bags to make sure we had snacks! juice! books! toys! among other methods of child and toddler entertainment, and oh my GOD, once we were on the road, it wasn’t all Peter Gabriel and “Here Comes the Flood” and heads out the window to blow out a plume of smoke, NO.
Instead, it was all, “Archer OUT! Archer WALK! Archer OUT! Archer WALK!” followed by Sam screaming, “AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” and also, “GUREGHTEGHTEGHETHELKETH” followed by, “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARHGHT” and a nice bout of “Mommy READ? Rosh Hashanah READ? READ?” as I frantically yelled, “Sam! Mama’s here! Mama’s here! Archer LOOK! MOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOO!” and pointed maniacally at what turned out to be a collection of HORSES, not cows, leading me to be stubbornly scolded by a two-year-old that “No MOOOOO, Rosh Hashanah. NEIIIIIGGHHHHHHHH!”
*He calls me Jonna Rosh Hashanah. No one is sure why, except that it rhymes. Although usually it’s just Rosh Hashanah.
We were then treated to about a thousand renditions of the Shiny Penny song, followed by four consecutive readings of The Gruffalo (dear Jesus, thank you for THAT baby gift, TwoBusy, for it SAVED US) and oh my sweet LORD, you guys, if I hear “The Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round” one more time, I might shave my body with a cheese grater, but more likely I will just SING ALONG.
The whole thing took more than six hours, and we returned at — wait for it — 10:30 p.m., and we realized, hilariously, that by the time we stopped at the grocery store for dinner for the kids and a Chinese restaurant for dinner for the mamas and gas and oh my God, the SINGING, that the whole shebang cost us more to GET THERE than she spent on the rug. And what’s totally and completely messed up and hilarious is that honestly, the whole thing was FUN. Put THAT in your pipe of ridiculous things I never thought I would say and smoke it, but there you have it. IT WAS FUN.
Nothing is the same. Everything is different.
What is also different is that I picked up a pair of cords at TJ Maxx over the weekend, and they were — oh my lord — LIZ CLAIBORNE, and I came home and was ranting and raving about how I finally found a pair of pants that fit me properly, and were kind of cute and they had to be fracking LIZ CLAIBORNE, the original creator, in my mind, of the Mom Jean. I was all, “It’s for LADIES. Ladies who are usually called MISSES. OLDER LADIES. WHO ARE MOMS.” And then Adam, ever the clueless straight-talker, was all, “Yes, but I hate to break this to you: you are a mom. And kind of older and out of the Britney Spears’ low-rise pants demographic.”
And REALLY, HE’S RIGHT. Next thing you know, I’ll be doing all of my spring shopping at Chico’s and waxing poetic about this great mosaic/tapestry jacket I found, like I’m Suze Orman or something.
MAN.
P.S., Did I TELL you guys about Style Lush, Jennie‘s brain child, where I’ll mostly be writing about … MOM AND KID PRODUCTS? I’m super-excited — seriously, the shit I don’t buy but drool over is eclipsed only by the shit I drool over and DO buy — and Jennie and the other writers are Teh Awesome. Stop by or follow us on Twittah.
*Vampire Weekend. I DO love them, but I don’t think this makes me hip, cool or at all cutting-edge, considering I was LAAATE to the party and also, can sing the Shiny Penny song by heart.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
28 Comments Add your own
1. Maggy | October 5th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Hey, am I first? Awesome!
My four year old calls my friend Chris “Christmas.” We don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I call him Mister Chris when the kids are around. Who knows?
My first child? Great road-tripper. My new baby? Not so much. There is much singing going on, and I am not a good singer. Then the older boy says, “Mama, don’t sing!” Thanks, kid.
2. Allison | October 5th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
I may be able to top your Liz Claiborne pants with my DOCKERS trouser jeans that I bought last weekend. Ugh. I was never cool but now I don’t even pretend.
3. The Tutugirl | October 5th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
You know, I rail about how society is coming undone because we have dvd players in the back of cars. And then I read tails of roadtrip adventures with kids like this one, and suddenly it ALL MAKES SENSE.
When I was little I insisted in calling my grandmother “Mary”. Seeing as her name is “Dolly,” no one is quite sure where I pulled that one from, but it took seven years to convince me otherwise.
4. Erika Jurney | October 5th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I remember the first time my husband reminded me in a similar situation that I was a mom. Surprised he’s still alive!
5. page | October 5th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Do not say Chicos.
NO!
6. Anyabeth | October 5th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
It is sad but I always try to say that I am a young mom but really I am not. I just am a sad shell in my mid rise jeans that I pretend hold the pooch in.
7. Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) | October 5th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Love, love, love “The Gruffalo”. You should also pick up the sequel “The Gruffalo’s Child” – my son is all over it.
8. Chrissy | October 6th, 2009 at 12:32 am
Oh, Jonna. I’m 21, started listening to Vampire Weekend well over a year ago (but do not let that fool you into my being a “cool kid”, far from it, especially musically. My god, the pace one has to be at to keep up with these hip children! Come back, guys! And what do you mean you’ve been listening to that song from the Wild Things trailer for YEARS? But it just came into life like a new and exciting and somehow tear jerking ice cream flavor!)–AND, point coming, I swear, Liz Claiborne, Schmiz Clairborne. I totally wanna be you when I “grow” up. I don’t comment often, and the times my voracious-blog-reading-and-rare-commenting self chooses to bust through the barrier and gush seems arbitrary sometimes, but there it is. So much love for your blog and humor and spot-on words and observations, and obviously, for the ridiculously adorable Sam. Get out the velour sweatpants a la Amy Poehler in Mean Girls, you ARE the cool Mom.
9. Suebob | October 6th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Hey! I do all my shopping at the Chico’s outlet, and I LOOK HOT. In that way that middle aged ladies who wear colorful prints look hot. Ok, maybe not. But I like their clothes. They are comfy.
10. Cookie | October 6th, 2009 at 6:59 am
I now walk by the stores I used to shop in and shake my head at the ridiculous clothes (Forever 21, Charlotte Russe). Then my husband reminds me that I used to shop there. And I just glare at him. As I tug up my jeans to cover up that pooch I can’t get rid of.
Also DVD players in cars = awesome. Also, wireless headphones. My minivan (oh yes, I am a soccer mom) is the first vehicle I’ve ever had that has them and it is beyond awesome for long trips with my 4-year-old. My 18-month-old is okay just watching the picture without sound and often falls asleep. But yes, I still get excited about road trips even with all the work that goes into them.
11. mollykath | October 6th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Liz Claiborne has Tim Gunn and Isaac Mizrahi. Ergo, is awesome.
12. Aprylsantics | October 6th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Liz Claiborne is okay as long as you stay away from the coordinates and/or resort wear. I tell myself this.
13. -R- | October 6th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Oh, Rosh Hashanah, I cannot imagine signing up voluntarily for a road trip with my baby. He is good in the car for 30 minutes, and then the screaming begins. But I’m glad you guys had fun!
14. amandam | October 6th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Liz Claiborne’s not so heinous. Now if you were to say you were lovin’ the cord easy-fits you’d picked up at the Vermont Country Store, a style intervention could theoretically be in order. (What a fashion b-tch I sound like; I’m FROM New England, and know damn well it’s all about the practicality and nothing but the practicality, dammit! Duh!!!) Sadly, even low-rise jeans are no longer what’s hot. It’s the skinny jeans now, and channeling one’s inner Joan Jett, mullet optional.
15. Jen | October 6th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
You are one brave lady, I tell you. The “Mama’s here! Mama’s here!” thing cracked me up, because I am typically yelling that to the backseat as soon as the squirmy whining starts. It never really helps, does it? They don’t care if they can hear your voice – they usually just WANT OUT!
Also, road trips definitely mean Combos in my world. The cracker and cheddar cheese kind. YUM.
16. shriek house | October 6th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Ahahahaha, Chico’s! Or, if you’re feeling a little more prim, there’s always Talbots!
Congrats on the Style Lush thing! (Just don’t tell them about your Claiborne habit.)
17. Kristabella | October 6th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Well, I’m glad it was FUN!
I bought a new pair of the Gap jeans and bought the perfect bootcut because the sexy bootcut was too low rise for me because I’m 32 now and no one needs to see my ass crack.
18. monkey | October 6th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I think Chicos is where we Bebe wearing whores go to pick out a last rites outfit right before we die. You’re probably a little too classy for it. Now I am definitely Chico’s material in thirty or so years.
19. Rhi | October 6th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
This brings me back to driving to a wedding with my pregnant best friend and her toddler. My throat hurt by the time we got there from all the singing to her son. BUT HE CLAPPED FOR ME, so it was worth it. Also, we had to pull over every 40 minutes for her to throw up. FUN TIMES.
20. TwoBusy | October 7th, 2009 at 6:36 am
You’re most welcome. Also, your definition of fun kind of scares me.
21. Gaby | October 7th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Hey Jonna, your link to Style Lush is missing the www. As it’s linked now, it goes to a GoDaddy site, and I’d hate for people to not find your cool new site!
22. Nimble | October 8th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I like the name Archer. And you are way cool to get a nickname like Rosh Hashanah no matter whose pants you wear.
23. Susan (Trout Towers) | October 8th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Sometimes it’s a matter of having someone there to share your misery, so you can add in the “sweet mother of god, WILL YOU LOOK AT US?” factor. Which can be fun.
24. Sam | October 8th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
The other day I was doing laundry and realized that I now wear shorts (khaki and longish) from the Gap. And jeans. A place where my younger self scoffed at as boring and LAME. I feel you. Mom jeans terrify me, they are right up there with minivans. They are minivans for your ass!
25. Corinne | October 11th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
I keep meaning to tell you this, since the original ass crack post long ago: Have you considered attacking the issue from the other, er, end? What I mean is longer shirts instead of higher jeans. I bought a shirt in my size, but Tall because they didn’t have regular (I’m 5’7″, not particularly tall) and the next day when I was crouched way over rummaging in the stroller basket, my goodness – there was no refreshing breeze on my arse. It was covered! What a strange feeling, and a big disappointment to the others at the playground I’m sure.
26. credit repair vt&hellip | December 17th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
credit repair vt…
I have been looking through these pages and thought this site was interesting!…
27. AbbyHobbs | March 2nd, 2010 at 1:54 pm
The mortgage loans suppose to be very useful for guys, which want to start their career. As a fact, this is very easy to receive a auto loan.
28. application paper writing | September 6th, 2010 at 1:38 am
The case study writing created by professional essay writers, could give people A+. Thence it’s worth to buy paper to achieve your goal, I guess.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed