Jealousy
October 13th, 2009
I really love reading Sundry‘s posts about achieving her goals and doing what scares her. I think it’s ridiculously awesome, and if that’s not creating a life with no regrets, I don’t know what is. I just think she’s spectacular for doing all of it, and the thrill of seeing her do it is … well, it’s absurdly heartwarming, is what it is, and I mean that it the most admiring, earnest way possible. How fucking COOL is that, to set out to do something and do it, changing your whole life in the process?
I wish I could say I was inspired, but to be honest, I’ve done little in the way of goal-achieving for a while now, unless those goals include “keeping child alive” and “paying bills on time.” Occasionally, I’ll think to myself that some day I’ll get there and start expanding my horizons, and I beat myself up for about a minute, thinking GOD, I hardly do ANYTHING and then …
Well, then today I took some time to really think about it, and I realized that I am absurdly, stupidly happy with the way my life is right now. If you’d asked me ten years ago if this was the life I wanted, I’m not sure I would have been able to say yes. I think back then I wanted to stay in the city, be a vice president of something corporate and important-sounding and have an impeccable wardrobe of expensive suits. I did not see living in rural Vermont with my husband and small daughter and, of all things, staying home with her. I did not, I assure you. The life I have now is the life I spent years raging against, writing entry after angst-filled entry in my journal about how I was going to BE SOMEONE and not give it all up for a family. A family would only weigh me down, yo.
And after all THAT, I realized that I’ve already DONE the thing that scares me the most, and she’s in her crib, half-asleep in frog pajamas right now (Tom Robbins? Anyone?), and the rest, to a certain degree, is just gravy. Having done that, and having it worked out, means that I’m confident enough to be able to go after everything else. I know, I know, it sounds like my child is the be-all, end-all of personal fulfillment, and behold, I am some sort of crazy-ass earth mother type who never knew life before having a child, but that’s not really what I’m saying at all. Like, at all. I swear.
I still have things I want to do — I want to get back to exercising and write more for actual money and yes, like everyone else, finally finish that book I’ve been planning on writing, and oh yes, I want to have another child, yes — and while some of those things scare me, I’m more confident than ever that I’ll do them, and I’m actually excited about doing them. And after all that, too, having the life you want — even if it’s not the life you planned — is pretty fucking awesome, and if that‘s not goal achievement, however fluid, I’m not sure what else it could be.
***
This brings me, weirdly, to a rant I’ve been going on about all OVER the Internet, which is, yet again, fracking women can’t disagree about anything or see something as wrong without being accused of being just jealous. It’s just … well, it’s just plain stupid, is what it is, because there are a lot of things I find distasteful, but I’m not envious of them. I don’t like George W. Bush, for example, and back in the day, I could get quite heated about him. And yet, I think it goes without saying that I didn’t want to be him, nor was I particularly envious of his life. I mean, right?
I’m not perfect. I am capable of envy. But it usually doesn’t manifest itself in petty, mean comments and it doesn’t manifest itself in calling something out as wrong — if something is wrong, it doesn’t mean I somehow covet it. Jealousy, for me, is an easy thing to admit, and it usually manifests itself in a simple statement of, “Damn, I wish I could be in the Caribbean right now, too,” or, “GodDAMN, why do I look like shit with long hair? Her hair is BEAUTIFUL.” or, “WHY AM I NOT BEYONCE?”
And though I am generally a good person, I am also capable of being petty. I am capable of schadenfreude, and even really get off on it from time to time. I make fun of people, sometimes meanly, and I can be crueler than I’d like to admit. I can be a judgmental asshole sometimes. But all of that is rarely fueled by jealousy. I can be a douchebag in my own right, for no reason other than I’m being a douchebag. Just like, say, a man can.
***
A few weeks ago, I came across a perfect, giant, blushing green apple just outside our condo. I picked it up and brought it inside and honest to pete, I had plans to eat it. And then I realized that I’d picked it up in our parking lot, you know, UNDER A CAR. And that eating found fruit is generally a bad idea, and for chrissake, did I not READ Snow White as a child? WTF.
***
Hey, are you reading Style Lush? I have to tell you, it’s one of my favorite places on the web, and I don’t think it’s just because I’m part of it. The stuff on there is just! so! cool! I want all of it. ALLL OF ITTTTT. Except that we’re kind of watching our wallets right now, which makes me very sad. I will never get that perfect fall dress, scarf or pile of fake food I’ve always wanted. Boo.
Polite Fictions is ALSO going strong, although even I’m having trouble keeping up with the story at this point, which makes it an especially hilarious exercise when it’s my turn. I’m all, let’s write about this character! Unless he’s dead! Wait, let’s make him a ZOMBIE. I … I don’t know what’s going on with me there.
Happy Wednesday!
*The version I’m thinking of is the Pet Shop Boys. But I’m sure there are a legion.
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20 Comments Add your own
1. Swistle | October 13th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
I am SO WITH YOU on the jealousy thing. Furthermore, I think it’s jaw-droppingly vain for a woman to suggest that other women’s problem with her is that they’re jealous. I mean, seriously! What kind of person do you have to be to LEAP to that conclusion? “Because clearly there’s nothing wrong with my behavior in any way or on any level! So the only conclusion is that other people are JEALOUS OF MY AWESOMENESS!!”
2. Elizabeth | October 13th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
I know exactly what you mean. If one more person responds to a grievance of mine with “you’re just jealous” I might have to puke on their shoes.
3. Jess | October 13th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
I could have written this post. Seriously. You and I are sometimes the same person. I have goals, I do. But they aren’t the kind that will make history. And I’m OK with that. It’s about personal fulfillment. And you have that, and so do I.
4. Carla Hinkle | October 13th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Right now I work 10-15 hours per week, from home in my PJs, have 2 small children and another one (!!!!!) arriving shortly. I spend most mornings working by myself at home, most afternoons running kids all over town, most evenings on the sofa. I could never have imagined this life 10 (or 5) years ago and I LOVE it.
I immediately heard the Natalie Merchant/10,000 Maniacs version … love that song.
5. jenB | October 14th, 2009 at 12:07 am
You have never been a douche that I have witnessed. YOU had the balls to call out something tacky and elitist where someone like me is more likely to cower. You specifically clarified this issue of jealousy, which isn’t really jealousy, but a valid observation and conclusion about whats going on. I don’t mean to be vague, I mean to thank you and tell you to keep saying what you say and having the courage to say what a lot of us are afraid to speak out loud about.
6. She Likes Purple | October 14th, 2009 at 1:04 am
If four cents isn’t actual money then I don’t know how to make you happy, woman, MY GOD.
Next you’re going to tell me that jumping doesn’t make you happy either.
It’s like I don’t even know you.
Still adore you, sure, BUT DO NOT KNOW YOU.
7. -R- | October 14th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Why were you looking under someone else’s car for fruit?
8. jonniker | October 14th, 2009 at 8:46 am
HA! R, I wasn’t LOOKING, I swear. I was walking home, and it was this GIANT LUMP under the front bumper. I thought it was an animal and then it turned out to be an apple. Hee.
JenB: I don’t think I was a douche in that situation, either. I don’t regret saying anything — it was tacky, ridiculous and … rude, and inappropriate, and oh my God, don’t get me started again.
HOWEVER, it’s important for me to note that there are people I love who went to the event, and I don’t fault them for it.
But I can be a real douche in other contexts. I can. I think we all can.
9. AndreAnna | October 14th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I think the wherewithal to admit our own douchey-ness (douchiness?) is one of life’s big accomplishments.
So is figuring out how to spell douchieness (douchyness?).
Frack.
10. Annie | October 14th, 2009 at 9:49 am
The only thing I’ve ever wanted to be (consistantly, at least) throughout my life is a kick ass stay at home mom and wife. I don’t know if that will ever happen, considering that’s something that I can’t make on my own. I often wonder why so many women who end up staying at home with their children were not originally enthuuuuused with the idea. But I am happy you are happy!
Jealousy. Oh man, I could go on and on and on about women and jealousy. And on. Did I say I could go on? Because I could. But I’ll stop here, short of giving a dissertation on the psychology behind the innate drive to be jealous in women. Blah!
11. Shelly | October 14th, 2009 at 10:10 am
TOTALLY got the Tom Robbins reference.
With you on the jealousy bit, too.
12. Hillary | October 14th, 2009 at 10:15 am
LOVE Tom Robbins. And I totally understand about the angst-filled journal entries about “being someone” giving way to actual living your life and finding out you like it. I think it’s good our plans don’t always work out the way we see them. Our journals were angst-filled for a reason, right?
13. Jen | October 14th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I would also like to be Beyonce sometimes. Mostly because I have a weird little crush on Jay-Z.
I never know what the internet drama du jour is, which makes me think I really need to get around more.
14. Penny | October 14th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Okay, now I really want to know what the particular example of disagreement misconstrued as jealousy you are describing. I’m petty and gossipy that way.
15. shriek house | October 14th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
It’s funny how this accidental fallout of feminism makes us embarrassed to admit we find motherhood meaningful and perhaps even fulfilling. Even putting that “most important job on earth” crap aside, it is a powerful thing building a relationship with a brand-new human. It’s happy-making to me to hear people acknowledge this. And as to the rest of your plans, go you! Power suit or polar fleece, we are dynamic, multi-talented people and it is OK to love being a parent as much as we love a career or anything else!
And, I know the jealousy thing is annoying, but isn’t it just a way people have of deflecting criticism? It’s stupid, but it’s just someone not wanting to take ownership of their crap. I say give them the Whatever hand and ignore.
Step AWAY from the apple though.
16. Sarah | October 15th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Jonna – I just had a similar epiphany the other day about my life not looking like I expected but me really and truly enjoying it nonetheless. I still sometimes question my decisions that got me here – such as to not go to law school when I wanted from age 13 or so to be a lawyer. But I’ve found another way to work with and for people and it works really well for me. And someday, if I’m lucky, I’ll have a happy, healthy hubby and kid(s) to go along with it. Even now, though, I appreciate having amazing people in my life – when I think of my “accomplishments”, I think of the relationships I have built. And while it isn’t newsworthy to have strong friendships, it is certainly fulfilling and something to be proud of.
17. Sarah | October 15th, 2009 at 10:30 am
So thanks. Comforting to know others are feeling the way I do. (Except for that whole apple thing – I’m all for free food, but produce from the parking lot (other than, say, a farm stand? :p)
18. Alex | October 15th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Tom Robbins, YES.
19. Kristabella | October 15th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
So you and I are very similar! I too once pictured myself climbing the corporate ladder and not being a MOM because I was going to DO things with my life. Now when I think hard about what I want to do and what I want to be when I grow up, my first thought is always “a stay at home mom”. Which seems silly to some, but it is what I aim to be.
Let’s see if it ever happens, though. I am getting up there in years!
20. Laura | October 20th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I needed to read this tonight. Thank you for reminding me that taking care of another person is important work.
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