Pumpkin Soup

Yes, I’m STILL ON A BOAT and have been for, oh, three days now, and if Andy Samberg could very nicely get out of my head now, please and fracking THANK YOU. I find myself disturbed, by the way, that lately I’ve been finding Andy … a little attractive, especially when he acts like Mark Wahlberg. I ALSO found him attractive in “I Love You, Man,” which I saw on Saturday night thanks to Amazon rentals. That, by the way, was the first feature-length film I’ve watched with Adam ALL AT ONCE since Sam’s been born. Yes, yes, sure, I watched Twilight and Sex and the City over and over and over again at 4 a.m. while she nursed up a freakin’ storm, but this was DELIBERATE and rented and apparently had Andy Samberg in the role of gay lothario, in a surprisingly effective casting turn.

So! Onward with random bits of nothingness, because that’s just how things are rolling around these parts:

– The dog, as I mentioned, was sick. And I … I daresay it was almost — ALMOST — as bad as dealing with a sick child. The hacking! The sleepless nights! Did I mention the HACKING? Where she even GOT this shit is beyond me, as she’s a) vaccinated against kennel cough, which is apparently less effective than the fucking FLU SHOT, and let me say how happy we are to have paid the $75 for that little number; and b) she hasn’t been boarded recently. I mean, what the christ. The good news is that she’s on a hefty dose of a freakin’ NARCOTIC every night, so now she’s not keeping us up coughing, but is, in fact, drugged to a limp-limbed stupor. I think it’s Tramadol, which can be sold on the black market, so we’ll be refilling that shit and hitting the wild streets of rural Vermont in a matter of days, offering trippy nights of oblivion to the local pigs and cows for a profit, yo.

– Why, please tell me WHY, is it that my daughter screams as though I am actually REMOVING HER ARMS every time I put on something with sleeves? The shrieking! The hostile protests! FOR GOD’S SAKE CHILD. YOU NEED TO WEAR SLEEVES. TO COVER YOUR ARMS.

– We’re in the process of fully transitioning from three naps to two, and while she hasn’t actually napped during that third timeslot for quite some time, the hours from 4 to 7 p.m. are so hilariously painful, it’s like someone is removing MY arms, very, very slowly. And yet, if I put her to bed any earlier than 6:45 p.m., she gets up at … 4 a.m. For the day. Can I get a HELL NO, my friends? I thought so.

– I had potentially the most awkward, yet hilarious, moment of my time in this here small town at lunch today when one of the (many) hairdressers I jilted before finally settling on Kate in the big city, walked in. The jilted hairdresser, through a series of unfortunate events, read this here blog and found the EXACT post wherein I said I was … less than thrilled with the haircuts I’d received to date and … left a kind of snarky comment. LET US TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME THAT WAS. And how today I … tried to HIDE BEHIND THE BABY and then just bolted out of the restaurant, leaving Adam to clean up the rest of our shit while I ran to the car like a little bitch. THAT WAS AWESOME.

(And look, I’m just going to say that it’s HARD to cut a woman’s hair short. I get that. I also get that I was wearing a men’s haircut for several months, and it wasn’t flattering, and I GET that there aren’t many women here in this small town with short hair and look it’s HARD! I know it’s HARD! But I didn’t like having a men’s haircut! Men are cut in SQUARE CUTS and women are cut in ROUND CUTS and … oh whatever, KATE TOLD ME SO, OKAY?)

– I also ran into a woman who dislikes me because she has repeatedly asked me to host a jewelry party for her, and dude, none of my friends have time. For God’s sake, all of my friends are moms, and if we have a free night off, really? Really we’re going to host a jewelry party and be PITCHED jewelry, really? And this woman and I are not CLOSE, and yet I feel so GUILTY and she’s always telling me how I need to host this PARTY and you know what, today I realized that for chrissake, I’m not going to feel bad about it. SHE SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR DISLIKING ME OVER A JEWELRY PARTY OMG.

– I found pumpkin butter in the grocery store today. Huzzah.

Happy Wednesday!

*Kate Nash

21 comments October 20th, 2009