You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb
November 8th, 2009
Jai ho! Last week was some sort of bizarre blur of sleepless misery, as my child’s first tooth decided to make an appearance, and MY GOD, I felt so sorry for her, but you know what else? I also felt very sorry for myself, because there was much wee-hour stumbling back and forth from one room to the next, and not a lot of sleeping and MAH GOD, what, are those little teeth made of RAZORBLADES or what? And why, suddenly, although the tooth is a mere MILLIMETER further along than it was those fretful, tired days, does she seem much more accustomed to it?
Speaking of kid, she’s a spectacular eater, to no one’s surprise, and I only wish I could get as excited as she does about a plate of green beans. GREEN BEANS. Pureed, no less, and resembling the color of puked-up camo pants. The kid flaps her arms and yells and GRUNTS, like someone’s handing her a giant piece of caramel-soaked CAKE, for chrissake. This, oddly, brings my to my first parenting-related FOOD BEEF, which is that companies like Gerber are marketing pureed desserts to babies. COME ON. Babies — if they’re still eating purees — don’t give a shit about dessert. The don’t even know what dessert IS. So really, do we have to have DESSERT? For BABIES? Babies who think that green beans are the SHIZNIT? She likes carrots and delicious Greek yogurt with pears equally, so for God’s sake, can we LAY OFF THE DESSERT TALK FOR INFANTS?
**WARNING TO PEOPLE OF THE MALE PERSUASION: MENSTRUAL TALK AHEAD**
In other thrilling news, my period has arrived once again. This is remarkable because I have not experienced my monthly womanly duties since May. Of 2008. MAY OF 2008. That’s a year and a half, folks, thanks to pregnancy and nursing (which I’m still doing), and let me tell you, I think the only person in history who was more surprised by the arrival of their period was Stephen King’s Carrie. You guys, I was MYSTIFIED by the entire phenomenon, and was so shocked that for a few horrific moments, I was certain that my birth-related stitches, which are long healed, had somehow RUPTURED and I was coming apart at the ladybits. A flip through the mental rolodex of PMS symptoms and earlier feeling that the return was nigh saved me from pulling a Fried Green Tomatoes and lying on the floor with a mirror between my legs to check for damage.
To add insult to injury, I do believe my Moon Cup was lost in our last move, and let’s pause for a moment to consider the horrific moment when someone makes THAT discovery, wherever she landed. Also, an unsolicited tip: I’m ordering The Keeper, and if you’re on the market for such things, I suggest you do the same. Yes, it’s brown, and resembles the color of poop, but you know what? It doesn’t stain. Well, visibly, anyway.
SORRY SORRY SORRY
To abruptly switch gears, my mother and step-dad went to Virginia over Halloween to visit a few of my brothers and go trick-or-treating with my (many) nephews. This is mostly irrelevant, except that the trip reminded me of a fight she got into with one of my brother’s wives, and while it was quite ugly and ridiculous at the time (all is now well, of course), I will never forget the moment she called me on my mobile as I placed an order at Five Guys’ Burgers and Fries and wailed, “WE HAD A HORRIBLE ROW!”
A ROW. A row. Honestly, who says that? My mother, that’s who. Oh, Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry, it’s not that I think the situation was funny, it’s that … well, come on now. ROW. Pronounced “RAO” not like rowing a boat. And I can’t stop laughing about it. Although in retrospect, it WAS a horrible row, although again, really, EVERYTHING IS FINE.
And finally, NaNiceMo is going reasonably well, I reckon, although today I copped out like a little pansy and made my contribution to society at large the simple act of picking up one of those holiday food donation boxes at the grocery store and paying $10 to donate it to the local food bank. Shrug. I prefer more personal acts of niceness, because anyone can plunk down ten bucks, you know? Meh.
With that, I’m off to bed at the ungodly hour of EIGHT FORTY FIVE, and will very likely finish Sookie #9 (thank you, Jesus, we are almost done here), effectively ending my time with this series until book 10 comes out in May. I have, for reasons unclear to me, chosen Charlaine Harris’s Harper Connelly series next, although mercifully there are only four so far.
And after THAT, my reading list consists of The Historian, The Hour I First Believed and Her Fearful Symmetry. Aaaand, only one of those does not really deal with the supernatural, and I think it’s safe to say that a) I have a problem with the paranormal; and b) I am going to be busy for a little while.
Happy Monday!
*Spoon. (SORRY SORRY SORRY. AM GROSSER THAN GROSS I KNOW.)
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36 Comments Add your own
1. Aunt Becky | November 8th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I am OFFICIALLY full of The Jealousy because my kid? Any of my kids? Would have SNEERED at the very idea of green beans. In fact, had I dared eat a green bean NEAR them, they would have pitched a fit to rival the one that they pitched when I ate spinach last.
Also, my kids are horrible eaters.
But the green bits in Captain Crunch count as “green food” right? RIGHT?
2. Swistle | November 8th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Do you know, I don’t think I have ever once written or said the word “row,” even though I am very familiar with reading it. I love your mother for SAYING IT ALOUD–and in a moment of true distress, too, so it wasn’t even tongue-in-cheek.
3. NGS | November 8th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
The Harper Connelly series is way better than Sookie, although my love for Sookie is deep, too. Unfortunately, the fourth book of that series is available only in hardcover at the moment, but it’s definitely on my library request list!!
4. Kristina | November 8th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I gave up on Sookie after book #2, couldn’t stomach it. You will L.O.V.E. all the books on your reading list, I’ve read them all and they’re great. The Hour I First Believed is by far the best, though. (Let me point out, however, I read that when I was in Mexico sans child so I was in a tequila-induced fog for much of the time. But I’m still pretty sure that book was wonderful!)
5. Nothing But Bonfires | November 8th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
How British of your mother! We say “row” all the time. I much prefer it to “fight” or “argument,” maybe because it sounds a bit like “riaow!” which is the sort of noise you’d make when scratching someone’s eyes out (uh, I imagine.)
6. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | November 8th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
The period paragraph was the best thing I’ve read in forever. Good heavens, everything about it is gold!
I picked up a copy of The Historian in the used book sale at the library a couple weeks ago and am working my way toward it. After finishing (finally) The Time Traveler’s Wife, I’m off that author. She stole my life away in that damn book.
7. JCF | November 8th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
1. I completely agree about the dessert for infants! My grandmother gets all up in arms because I do not feed my baby “a treat” after dinner. But you know what? She SCREAMS with pleasure when I give her pureed mango mixed with plain yogurt. We should all be so easily pleased…
2. You need to order an amber teething necklace for Sam. It sounds like voodoo, but it works. My husband laughed at me for believing it would end teething-related misery, and now I laugh at him for making me suffer through it with the first kid. Also, the necklace looks adorable, so bonus there.
3. I never got my period in between two pregnancies (kids born 15 months apart) and almost died of fright when it showed up a couple of months ago, after more than two and a half years. And that was the only one I had before getting pregnant again. That’s right. #3 in under 3 years.
8. Sam | November 9th, 2009 at 12:54 am
The start of my last period was 4/20/08. I am telling you this because HA HA HA have not started period yet and also because four twenty, yo. I cannot milk that one enough. Pun intended. Sorry.
9. mar | November 9th, 2009 at 7:55 am
ahaha! row/rao. my laughter was induced by your explanation of the pronunciation. despite my anglophile nature (inherited from my mother), i would only ever write that word, not say it out loud. much like any number of other spiffy words that i’m certain i would be laughed at if i actually said in front of people.
also find it funny because we have a dr rao in the clinic where i work and we’re constantly getting calls from patients to set up appointments with dr. “ray-oh”
10. heather | November 9th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Oh my gosh, when do you have time to read? I am so impressed! My kids don’t let me do anything
11. Melanie Kerton | November 9th, 2009 at 8:35 am
mostly a lurker, but really wishing I could figure out how to use the darn moon cup myself…..except I bought the diva cup, but they dont seem that much different and I really struggled! Apparently I am beyond help!
12. jonniker | November 9th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Heather: At night, before bed. That’s pretty much it. That’s also why my reading list consists of the fluffiest of the fluff, because I lack the concentration for anything remotely deep or challenging. I need to be able to read two pages at a time and then remember what happened the next time.
13. The New Girl | November 9th, 2009 at 8:53 am
I thought the SAME THING when my period started after TLNG. Seriously. I was all, ‘WHAT THE HELL? I’M BLEEEDING AGAIN?’
lmao.
Also? I think that after the tooth actually cuts through the gums, my kid was always more comfortable. When they were riiiiight under the surface, it was the WORST and I dosed her ass on the REG with medicine before bed and that seemed to help. (still does as she’s got THREE MOLARS AND THREE EYE TEETH cutting at once. omfg.)
And lastly, I was wondering about the pronunciation of that word, ROW and then you helpfully included it.
14. Shelly | November 9th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I really liked The Hour I First Believed, but it is very similar to I Know This Much Is True in structure and form. Still a damn good book, though. I’m hearing mixed reviews of Her Fearful Symmetry, but I still really want to read it, because I loved The Time Traveler’s Wife SO much.
15. Jen | November 9th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Ha! I just went to the doctor last week and when I had to fill out a form that asked when my last periodwas, I took pause for a moment before I said out loud (in the waiting room), “Wow, it was 2008!” Thank goodness for the empty waiting room. I am DREADING the return.
I definitely think the teeth hurt the most just before they break through the gum, then after that it’s practically a cakewalk for them. I consider Avery kind of a professional at this tooth thing at this point -she’s already got SIX. At this rate, she will be the only 1 year old on the block with a full grill, top and bottom YO.
16. Jess | November 9th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Anyone CAN plunk down the $10 for that stuff, but not everyone does. I still think that’s a very nice thing to do. If that’s your cop-out, you know, that’s still really nice. As opposed to some people’s cop-outs, which would probably involve being angry at the world.
17. halloweenlover | November 9th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Am OBSESSED with the historian. Now that I know you are similarly obsessed with the paranormal, I shall forward you book recommendations! I am also obsessed with scary movies. Too bad you don’t live closer to Boston! We could lament about babies getting up at night and moaning about teeth, and then share scary books.
18. julie | November 9th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Just finished The Hour I First Believed. Heavy and sad, and could have used a good editor. But still, I loved it. Loved the historical bits especially. But be warned – fluffy reading it is NOT!
I’m now reading the Time Traveller’s Wife. Enjoying it immensely.
Both my kids are great eaters. You’ll see how much easier it will make your life in the long (short-term) run. And dessert? You’re right. My kid didn’t taste chocolate until he was close to 3 years old.
19. Ang | November 9th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Don’t forget – now that you have your period you can – shockingly – GET PREGNANT. I got my period a week or two after my first started eating solids. And my daughters are 18 months apart so unless you want a double header – um, birth control please!
And yes yes yes to no baby desserts – they don’t care about sugar or salt, plain is so tasty to them! And a good use of pumped breast milk is to sweeten anything up they’re not crazy about.
20. parkingathome | November 9th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
so…like…it collects it? Then what? I would think you’d yank it out and it would poop out and you’d jerk back violently getting several tablespoons of guk all over whatever is in the vicinity. This method is strange and foreign to me and I’m enthralled by what seems to be uncomfortable and gross. Tell me more.
Also I’m glad you cleared up the pronunciation of row. I’ve always wondered
21. Becky | November 9th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I just read The Historian a month or so ago, and it was FABULOUS. I also love those kinds of books. I’m reading the Sookie Stackhouse books right now, but while I wait for the next one from the library I’m reading The Other Boleyn Girl. Much better than I expected.
22. jonniker | November 9th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Halloweenlover, I LOVE scary/creepy books, but cannot take scary movies. At all. I get too scared and can’t sleep and I cry. For real.
Parkingathome: OH BOY DO I HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU. Start here and read on, because there is a veritable MOON CUP TREASURE TROVE on this site: http://www.jonniker.com/2007/03/13/foggy-notion/
23. sarawr | November 9th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
The Historian is pretty great, although you don’t really notice that as you’re reading. The reading experience is kind of like, “God, this is boring. I will put it down now. Wait, I cannot put it down even though it is BORING. WTF. Well, it’s been 300 pages and something is finally kind of happening, slowly. Maybe I feel a little twinge of something for the protagonist, but I am STILL BORED… wait, was that the end? Is that it? Man, that was a great book! I remember it fondly.”
I don’t know if that little internal monologue really does it justice, so just trust me when I say that you will THINK you are bored, but you really are not. Promise.
24. Hillary | November 9th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I commend you for getting through the Sookie books. I’ve read three and they’re just so … not good. I mean, mildly entertaining, yes. I find myself constantly wondering what horribly tacky thing Sookie will wear next and then, when the outfit appears, checking AGAIN to see what time period we’re supposed to be in. But then I finish and I just feel foolish for having spent any time at all on that plot.
And yet, I’ve read three.
Those things — they are like junk food.
25. Jessica | November 9th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I’m wondering when my day of doom will come in the form of my fist post baby period. I got pregnant in November of 2007 so it’s almost been 2 years since my last one. Even though I’m on BC pills, I still have random moments of panic that I’m pregnant again.
26. Kristabella | November 9th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
We are reading The Historian for book club and I LOVE it. I can’t put it down. It is totally fascinating and I’m not usually a lover of historical fiction. SO GOOD!
Also, my contribution to NaNiceMo was to flirt with a very cute Chicago cop at a bar last night and give him my number when he politely asked.
27. Maggy | November 9th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
How, how, how do I become one of those lucky women who don’t get a period for ages after baby? My first child, it came back at six weeks. The lochia hadn’t stopped yet. Same with the second child. So not cool. So, I got the Mirena, but the “possible spotting” has now been going on for several months now. It’s getting old. Suggestions? And, yes, I breastfeed. Exclusively.
Anyone know if the Diva cup and Mirena are compatible. The internet has conflicting answers.
Why do infants need dessert? Heck, my four year old doesn’t need dessert. Nor do I, really.
28. Michelle | November 9th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Have you read the Stephanie Plum series from Janet Evanavitch? It’s awesome.
29. willikat | November 9th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
This entry gave me the giggles for so many reasons. So good. If the 10-dollar box o’ food didn’t do it for you, your NaNiceMo can be that you gave me the giggles. Because giggles are priceless.
30. Audrey | November 9th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I second the amber necklace idea. It sounds voodoo but it’s not. I promise. I let my boy wear one, so there.
And the Cup? A gift to make the period somewhat bearable. Thank you Jesus.
31. Jen W. | November 10th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I liked the Harper Connelly books until the end of book three…you’ll see. I felt so awkward.
32. Shana | November 10th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
@parkingathome:
Seriously? You can’t Google it? You have to act like other people’s personal care habits are weird and gross? I long for the day when those of us between middle-of-the-road and crunchy-hippie on the continuum can do our thing without anybody feeling the need to verbally turn a nose up. I think tampons are pretty freakin’ gross, but I don’t go around asking people how they deal with something that’s so OMG EWWW.
33. jonniker | November 10th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Uhhh, Shana, I thought it was pretty gross at first, too. I didn’t think the people who did it were gross, but some people are squeamish about handling blood, you know? And if you ARE squeamish about it, I don’t recommend the cup, as you probably know. It’s a … different experience than a tampon, that’s for sure.
34. Amie | November 11th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
OMG I just finished Sookie # 9 and I hate to say that it does not have the riding off into the sunset you were hoping for – damnit pick one would you Sookie? just pick one. Waiting until May for more dickering around (excuse the pun) with the vampires and other supes may kill me. I thought she got rid of Quinn way too easily.
I love the Historian – it is one of my favorite books. I’m so glad to see someone else who has an unholy love of unholy fiction books!
OK, I am a geek!
35. Hawkeyegirl | November 18th, 2009 at 12:46 am
WIth regard to the supernatural books, would you mind a recommendation or two?
Jim Butcher- The Dresden Files (There’s 11 of these bad boys, with no end in sight, but they are all fantastic. The first is “Storm Front”)
M.L.N. Hanover- “Unclean Spirits” (there’s a sequal, “Darker Angels”)
Kat Richardson- “Greywalker” (+ three sequels, the first is the best)
36. JChevais | December 1st, 2009 at 8:49 am
I hear “row” rather often. But then I’m just one of a gajillion other anglophones in Paris, so I guess that’s sort of normal since my English friends keep saying it and unloading their Brit chicklit on me.
I’ve read The Historian. Meh. The Hour I First Believed is good though a little on the pathos side (but then, that’s Wally Lamb). I haven’t read the Fearful Symmetry one yet tho (am waiting for a hand me down)… We seem to have similar reading tastes. Am interested in knowing your takes on them.
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