Spellbound
November 12th, 2009
This morning I sat slack-jawed for a full, oh, I don’t know, twenty minutes or so, glazed over and positively enthralled by the infomercial for the Cricut (pronounced “CRICKET,” which I never would have guessed) Expressions paper cutter. The first five minutes were spent in ridiculous disbelief that anyone would want to fake-etch glass with some kind of faux varnish using patterns on a paper cutter, but by the time the last fifteen rolled around, I was not only considering “etching” some kind of commemorative plate of my own, but was ALSO wondering why I hadn’t yet taken up scrapbooking as a hobby when the Cricut made it so easy! And fun! And would UNLEASH MY CREATIVITY!
There’s a reason infomercials are on in the wee hours of the morning, because that’s when your defenses are down. Had the Cricut not been — oh my God — FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS, I could see how I could have lazily convinced myself over coffee that now that I was in breeding mode, my children’s lives needed to be documented with fancy paper cutouts of diapers and baby bottles adorned with parchment curlicues. This is reminiscent of the time back when Adam and I first started dating (at the tender age of 23, oh my God) and we stayed up far too late smoking cigarettes and doing God knows what and watched a full thirty minutes of an infomercial for a five-disc collection of Stevie Wonder’s greatest hits. Now, I like — nay, LOVE — Stevie Wonder as much as the next person, but I didn’t need five full discs of his early greats, nor did I need to put a RUSH ORDER on it, which we did, oh yes, my friends, YES WE DID. FOR AN EXTRA THIRTEEN DOLLARS AND NINETY FIVE CENTS.
Speaking of Adam, he was working from home yesterday while Sam and I were out, and when I came home, he was practically shivering from half-watching Oprah and the lady who was mauled by the chimpanzee. I don’t even know how it happened, but somehow the conversation broke down and we were almost fighting — yes, FIGHTING — because he kept insisting that if his face were to be ripped off from a rogue chimpanzee, he wouldn’t want to live, and I should just pull the plug and say no no, don’t sew over his eyeball sockets, please, just LET HIM DIE. And *I* was DEVASTATED by this, because DON’T LEAVE ME, ADAM and I hovered thisclose to tears, because I don’t CARE if he doesn’t have a face, HE IS STILL HIM AND I LOVE HIM. Aaaand, I do believe that’s when we realized that no, seriously, the chances of his face being eaten off by a chimp are … well, significantly less than zero, but if it happens, you heard it here first, folks: Adam doesn’t want his eyeballs sewn over.
And now, three bits of nothingness before the weekend:
- Sam cut a second tooth last night and let me tell you, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started seriously pitying HER around 10:30 p.m. when she was CLEARLY trying SO HARD to go to sleep, and yet the pain was bugging her shit right out. The pathetic whimpering! Putting her head down, then popping it up and looking around in desperation! Oh, poor baby. All pity was left by the wayside, however, when at 5 a.m. like FRACKING CLOCKWORK, the kid blew out another diaper, and seriously, if anyone knows how I can stop this phenomenon and make her take care of the business, I don’t know, EARLIER IN THE DAY, I will take suggestions. The pattern is this: if she goes during dinner (appetizing!), we’re good for the night. If she doesn’t, we’re very likely effed effed EFFED. (KID GOES A ZILLION TIMES A DAY OMG).
(SORRY FOR POOP TALK)
- I started Grave Sight, from Charlaine Harris’s Harper Connelly series, and dude, I really like it. It’s fluffy and light and totally frivolous, but while I have begun reading again (and rather voraciously at that), I don’t see myself delving into anything super-heavy for quite some time. And by “heavy” I don’t mean in topic, I mean using things like big words and esoteric concepts or anything resembling literature I’m supposed to feel DEEPLY about and DECONSTRUCT. Those days, ladies and gentlemen, are over. And I am RELIEVED.
- Am I the only one taking totally perverse pleasure in the minor downfall of the Real Housewives of Orange County? Those bitches lived WAY TOO LARGE for way too long, and this, my friends, this is what happens when your entire self-worth is tied up into diamonds and a 9,000-square-foot house. Marriages crumble! Houses are in peril! And there I am, like an asshole, gleefully clapping my hands. Please note, this does not fall under NaNiceMo. I know, it’s probably CHEATING.
Happy weekend, y’all!
*Siouxsie and the Banshees
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
37 Comments Add your own
1. TwoBusy | November 12th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I wish I hadn’t just tracked down that Oprah thing online.
2. Bunnyslipers | November 12th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
You have my sympathy. In our house the blowouts happen at 2 AM. Blech. Try falling asleep after fixing that.
3. Jessica | November 12th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
My close mom friend envies me because her baby poops all the time and mine goes once a week, twice if I’m lucky. And I mean lucky. Because the poor dude has the hardest time and we have tried so many things to help make it easier on him. Although it does make me thankful that we do not have 5 AM blowouts because there is nothing worse than changing a diaper when you should be sleeping.
4. Ahmielyn | November 12th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
So. I’m just going to come right out and say that I’ve read a lot of Charlaine Harris and the Graves series is my favorite. In fact, the Sookie series is my least favorite of her offerings. And I’m struggling wildly against the urge to say something to prove my intelligence to you, because why should I apologize for reading a benign, entertaining series of books? STOP JUDGING ME.
5. Em | November 12th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
I, too, awoke to the Criket infomercial this morning. Funny thing … we sleep with the TV on, and I guess I really hit REM sleep around 2 or 3 in the morning. Whatever is on TV while I’m dreaming ends up being incorporated somehow into my dream. Sometimes its P90X, sometimes its evangelism (that makes for some interesting nightmares), but today it was the Criket. I need to start muting the TV when I’m drifting off.
6. JenK | November 12th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Having grown up in the OC, with most of my family still living there, you would think I would have some sympathy.
But no. I do not.
Because I knew (know?) way too many people just like that whom I wanted to push off the Newport Pier. And I know way too many people in the OC that are normal folks just trying to get by. That show gave us all a bad rep. I’ll be happy to see it go.
7. Steph the WonderWorrier | November 12th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
After finishing the Sookie series up to book 8 (I’ve been waiting for Book 9 in paperback), I moved on to the Aurora Teagarden series by Charlaine, and I’m on book three and they’re really good! I’m glad to hear the Harper Connelly series seems good too, I’ll check those out too!
Have you ever read the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich? I’m moving on to book 8 (she just finished writing book 14, haha), and I’m really enjoying them. They aren’t a heavy read, and they’re pretty fun. I totally recommend them.
8. Aunt Becky | November 12th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I almost bought a pasta maker when I was a teenager because a particularly persuasive infomercial told me I should. Now, you should know that I am not the sort of person who would EVER EVER EVER EVER cook, let alone make PASTA. So it’s a good thing that I didn’t have access to a credit card.
9. beyond | November 13th, 2009 at 12:35 am
oooh! the stephanie plum series is definitely good entertainment. the first four (maybe five) are the best, of course, they kinda peter out after that.
infomercials are fascinating. the last one i watched was some kind of panty girdle corset thingy. it was just WOW.
10. Leah | November 13th, 2009 at 12:56 am
As soon as Wombat started solids, he’s also started…uh…producing solids, which meant no more blowouts. He only ever poops first thing in the morning, and even though that’s usually on a fullish diaper (this is twelve hours after his last change, mind you), it all stays contained because it’s not the oozey stuff. (I’M SORRY, but it’s hard to talk about poop without being totally gross.)
Another possibility: Maybe Sam needs to go up a size in diapers? We were having blowout problems in the 2s, but then we switched to the magical 3s and all our prayers were answered.
11. JMH | November 13th, 2009 at 7:14 am
I own a Cricut and I love it.
However, mine was not the $400 one because that is crazy! I use it more for school stuff (I am an elementary teacher) than personal stuff though.
And I am clapping along with you as the ridiculous Housewives fall off of their ridiculously high horses.
12. Deckside Thoughts | November 13th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Funny funny funny stuff! You got me with the Cricut and Stevie Wonder infomercials! Love will do crazy shit to your brain in the wee hours.
And I’m with TwoBusy, I’m sorry I tracked down the Oprah clip too. Also sorry for poor little Sam. It’s hell growing up.
13. jonniker | November 13th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Heh, Leah, it’s … it’s the combination of her poop (which is not ENTIRELY solid, thanks to her overwhelming love for LOTS OF VEGETABLES coupled with teething) and the fact that she’s a heavy night wetter, so ANYTHING on top of the already-wet diaper just sends it right into stinky overfilled mode. It’s so fun.
(She’s in size fives for overnight. SIZE FIVES. WTF. That’s HUGE.)
Then she gets upset because she’s left to sit in poop, she doesn’t go back to bed and WOE. She ends up in bed with me for two more hours because she’s so upset from having the indignity of a diaper change that she can’t calm down otherwise.
Tomorrow morning, I’m tempted to just let her go back to sleep in it, if it isn’t, uhhh, blown out (GAH) just to see what happens.
JenK: I don’t judge the rest of the people in the OC by the show anymore than I judge the entire state of New Jersey by the RHoNJ (I grew up near there, so I am with you). There are assholes in EVERY state/county/city.
14. Kristin H | November 13th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Ha! on deconstructing literature. Here’s one English major who knows exactly what you mean.
15. Swistle | November 13th, 2009 at 8:25 am
If Adam DOES get his face ripped off by a chimp, I will help you hold him down and drug him so he has to live.
16. Jen | November 13th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Poopus Interruptus! That happens to us EVERY DAY at naptime. Never fails. I hear the grunting on the monitor and man, it SUCKS because she will not go back to sleep, and going in there to change her and then putting her back down never works. Once she poops, it’s a big old nap FAIL. It’s terrible.
Clearly I need to catch up on the RH.
17. Sarah | November 13th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Jim and I had the SAME DAMN CONVERSATION about the chimpanzee-eating-face scenario. And I was so pissed at him for saying what he did, which was, I swear, the same exact thing Adam did: “I wouldn’t want to live.”
Geez. How shallow are you? I demanded. How selfish?
And then, like you, I remembered it was probably an argument that could… wait.
18. Joe | November 13th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I’m the opposite of Adam in this regard (although I suspect we’re pretty much the same in 99.9% of everything else). A chimp could shred me to the point where all that’s left is my nose, and I say do NOT let that freakin’ nose die man, just plop it on the couch and keep the damn cat away from it and we’re good.
19. Lawyerish | November 13th, 2009 at 10:35 am
First of all, we got my mom a Cricut last year for Christmas, and she can do AMAZING things with that contraption. Artwork, scrapbooking, anything you want, basically. Since I did not inherit any Crafting Genes, it’s useless to me but for others it’s pretty impressive.
Secondly, unlike my husband, above, I would probably not want to live if I had to be faceless. But, you know, I am guessing it would be sort of a gametime decision; it’s easy to say now that I’d want my plug pulled post-chimp attack, but maybe it would turn out that even faceless I’d still want to cling to life. Even if I were just, say, a nose (SNORT!).
20. Christine | November 13th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Tony and I have had similar conversations. Thankfully no kids are involved here yet, but still: I am with Adam. Youch. Faceless? No thank you. Oof.
21. Melissa L. Hart | November 13th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Found you on twitter today! (I just joined yesterday). Cute site and community. I noticed alot of potty and poop discussions…some of my favorite! I just released my first children’s book called Max and the Diaper Fairy! (www.maxandthediaperfairy.com)
you can follow me on twitter or on my facebook fan page.
Look forward to you rposts!
Melissa
22. julie | November 13th, 2009 at 11:39 am
My mother in law bought a Cricut. Appalled at the price tag. She’ll never use it, either… I’d say I’d swipe it and ship it to you, but I’m a little gun shy at the moment…
And the 5 am blowout? It’s a phase. It’ll pass.
23. Jess | November 13th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I etched glasses once, using actual… what was it called? Etching cream, basically. And stickers. And it actually turned out really well!
24. Hillary | November 13th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
My husband and I had the exact same conversation about the chimp lady. He said he would definitely want to die, and I was arguing that he wouldn’t know how bad it was, because he would be blind, and he could get hooks or bionic hands. He was unconvinced. Luckily, as you point out, it is unlikely to happen.
25. Kristabella | November 13th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
ZOMG, the things I have ordered from infomercials!
I will say that I’m still a little upset that I never bought that pocket sandwich maker.
26. Shana | November 13th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Heh. Blog as Advance Directive.
27. Rhi | November 13th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
My mom has the Cricut thing and let me just tell you HOW THANKFUL I am that she’s not offered to whip it out and make my wedding invitations. SO VERY THANKFUL.
28. monkey | November 13th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Yeah, I’m with your husband. On another note, I’ve always been amazed by people who go to 3rd world countries and then try to make friendly with the monkeys. Yes, the babies are just unnaturally adorable but the big ones are scary muthaf*****, yo. My family stays far away and watches while the stupid tempt them with food and such. They will bite your face off for a Kitkat. Even the American kind.
29. monkey | November 13th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
American kitkats, not American monkeys. As an American monkey, I assure you that I would never bite anyone’s face off, not unless it involved the opportunity to get next to Clive Owen or a gigantic melted vat of swiss chocolate or something. Or Clive Owen in a gigantic vat of melted chocolate. After that it’s all fair game.
30. ed hardy | November 14th, 2009 at 2:42 am
Agree. It’s a good article that I can apply this for my routine. I loved it, so usefully. Thanks
31. Susan (Trout Towers) | November 14th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Okay, now if at some point you end up having a BOY you may find that he doesn’t blow out of diapers at 5am because… well, actually, he might… but you don’t know about it because the boy child, unlike the girl child, is all “oooh! warm” and THINKS NOTHING OF IT.
Sorry for the poop talk.
32. ZestyJenny | November 14th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
OMG. Great post, Jonna.
And these comments!
What a lovely Saturday night treat.
33. ed hardy | November 16th, 2009 at 2:01 am
I really like this article and have enjoyed reading. Nice article, love the post.
34. Shelly | November 16th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Ooh, I have Grave Sight checked out from the library, so I’m glad to hear that it’s good.
Haven’t bought much from infomercials…except, um, the Mari Windsor Pilates series. Which I think I have lost. So, yeah, effective.
35. Margo | November 23rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
I completely share your Real Housewives sentiment!
36. Lara | December 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Hi!! I haven’t read in forever and just popped over here to do some catching-up and say hidey-ho (or, um, just plain “hello”). I, too, have found myself eerily intrigued by the Cricut – and I am one who has a box filled with 15+ years’ worth of photos and zero photo albums (except for the ones I have purchased but not filled). Anyway, I hope you an Miss Beebs are feeling better! I can’t believe how big she has gotten, by the way!
37. North Face Pink Ribbon | December 29th, 2011 at 8:36 pm
This is some great thing never thought of it like that.
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