The Drop
November 23rd, 2009
Well, hello there, pretty things. We survived the flight, obviously, although on the leg home, I’m fairly certain the old man in front of us was fervently wishing — nay, PRAYING TO GOD — that we would not, by some sort of individual seat-ejection, sending Sam and I off into the ether.
You know, no one likes to be on a plane with babies. No one. It sucks, dude. They’re loud, they’re kicky, they’re annoying as fuck. I KNOW. I was That Person once — the person who came home and ranted to her friends about how there was a CHILD on the plane and the kid KICKED and YELLED and CRIED and oh my God, it was THE MOST ANNOYING FLIGHT EVAR.
Dude, I KNOW. What I did not know, however, was that, a) Unless the parent is a totally heartless monster, they are trying SO HARD to make it stop, make it stop, oh my God, MAKE IT STOP, so that you, childless traveler, can be more comfortable. I swear. Oh, and b) They are more miserable than you are. Like, A HUNDRED-FOLD. For not only do they (WE) have to suffer through the screaming, but they are responsible for making the screaming stop, and then, on top of everything, the child — THEIR (OUR) CHILD! — is miserable, and oh, there is heartache, because there is much weeping and woe and because the child does not speak fucking ENGLISH, there is no way to explain rationally how this whole flying thing works. And by “how it works” I mean, YOU HAVE TO STAY SEATED, MORE OR LESS. THAT’S KIND OF ALL THERE IS, KID.
Oh, but I will also tell you that what was also awesome was the special trip the flight attendant made to our seats at the beginning of both flights to give us a Very Special Infant Flotation Vest, with instructions muttered so quickly that I couldn’t have put the vest on if my life depended on it, which HA HA, but also? If we’re going down over water, chances are we’re DEAD ANYWAY, SullyWhatsisface “miracles” notwithstanding.
Ahoy! Thanksgiving! Since we visited Adam’s family this weekend, it’s just OUR little family for the holiday and I am THEEE-RILLED. Yes, yes, we will stuff our faces and relax and nap together AS A FAMILY, and … we will also figure out how to devour an 11-pound turkey between the, uh, two of us, but do you know that’s basically the smallest turkey you can get from our local, uh, turkey people? (I can’t just do a breast. I like a WHOLE TURKEY.) And I’m totally making Pioneer Woman’s mashed potatoes, which feature cream cheese, cream and other assorted dairy products.
And HEY, speaking of potatoes, you should make these soon, because THEY ARE DELISH.
And with that, if I don’t talk to you (though I hope to) beforehand, I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving.
*Peter Gabriel
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24 Comments Add your own
1. mar | November 23rd, 2009 at 9:02 pm
i feel bad for all involved with the flying with wee children. i remember a flight with an orthodox family with 5 children, seemingly under the age of 6.
and i’ve been commissioned to make pioneer woman’s sweet potatoes for the 3rd time in a row. drooling just thinking about it & i just made the most divine scalloped potatoes.
2. Susan (Trout Towers) | November 23rd, 2009 at 9:57 pm
I have this flow chart in my head.
Crying Baby!
Is it mine?
yes= do something
no= stop hearing it entirely and dive back into smutty romance.
3. Lippy | November 23rd, 2009 at 10:12 pm
I am making the same mashed potatoes. Planes just suck. We have a bag of snacks of increasing tastiness when we visit my inlaws. For the last hour we hand out cheetos! Our kids are orange and greasy and usually still annoying. I remember one flight we were on had another family with a small child. He screamed the entire way, and the mom was throwing up into one of those bags. I was so happy because no matter how terrible our kids acted, our trip was not as bad as theirs. (I did feel bad for them, I’m not a total selfish bitch)
4. Aunt Becky | November 23rd, 2009 at 11:40 pm
I’ve always felt really sorry for people traveling with babies and small children. So much so, that when I was asked, very politely, as a teenager to switch spots with a young lady separated from her husband and small baby, I agreed.
MY BAD. MY BAD. MY BAD.
I got stuck next to the 11 year old SPAWN OF THE DEVIL HIMSELF. Who, at one point, actually glommed onto my leg and began sucking when I had the audacity to get up and go to the bathroom. He was begging me to not leave him.
I will never, ever switch seats with anyone, ever again. SPAWN OF SATAN.
5. tracey | November 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Ah, but you survived! As long as the flotation device wasn’t needed, it was a good flight, right?
6. serror | November 24th, 2009 at 3:05 am
I always feel sympathy for people flying with small children. I know no one loves a screaming child but I always assume that the child and the parent are more miserable than I.
Last summer, I was in the position of moving to another seat or listening to a eight year old boy cry and whine the entire flight. I understand when you are little things seem like a great big deal, but I thought that it was a little odd that the 8 year old couldn’t survive a flight with his mother just right across the aisle. One seat away dude. And when I was eight, I would have definitely preferred to sit with my mom, but have understood if she was just across the aisle. Just watch your damn free television and play with the nintendo like you did the whole flight anyway. I ended up switching with her 11 year old daughter. NONE of the other people in my aisle were even willing to think about switching. My issue with that situation was that the Mom had missed her flight the day before, bringing about the situation of not sitting together or so the mother said. But I too had missed the flight the day before (because of my plane getting in late) and I had gotten myself to the airport earlier enough for all 4 of us to get seats anywhere we pleased basically. So she missed her flight and then couldn’t even get herself to the airport early enough to arrange seating for child who couldn’t sit across the aisle from her. Huh.
I also had a terrible 6 hour flight next to a one year old once. But it was terrible because the mother was downright abusive to her child when he wasn’t even bothering anyone on the plane. It was really uncomfortable. She was holding the poor little guys arms and legs down because she thought he was being bad. Ugh. He seemed to be doing just fine until she yelled at him and kept slapping his hands for “being bad.” And she changed his diaper exactly 1 time on the flight even though we were close to the bathroom and it obviously needed to be changed more than once. But I felt bad for the child in that situation, not annoyed.
Another time this summer my husband and I were horrified when the couple sitting next to us complained loudly at the end of the about the “bad mannered and ill behaved” children behind us. There were 3 kids under the age of 5 and all of them were basically silent the whole flight. The parents did an awesome job of having food and entertainment. I had no idea what those rude rude people were talking about plus the complainers brough onion cheese burgers on the plane and made the whole plane smell awful.
Sounds like your fligth was better than that!
7. Lauren | November 24th, 2009 at 9:36 am
I am nodding my head up and down to this post. We had a flight from LA to Wisconsin this past weekend for Thanksgiving and I just wanted to die it was so stressful. Our little guy (9 months) only slept for 30 minutes of the 4-hour flight and that was after a looooong bout of screaming that we couldn’t stop no matter what. We had tons of food and a whole carry-on of toys and nothing worked. He just didn’t want to be stuck in those seats for that long. Flying with a small child BLOWS. Half of the stress is because you’re so worried about annoying the other passengers. It’s so terrible. And we still have to fly back. GOD HELP US.
8. Annabelle | November 24th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Have you tried Pioneer Woman’s Crash Hot Potatoes? Because I regularly try to make out with my dinner when I make those. My Gods, but they are amazing.
Mmm, potatoes.
9. Shelly | November 24th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Ooh, flying with small children. I feel for all of you. May you all have wonderful, calm flights the next times you fly. You are saints.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
10. Marie Green | November 24th, 2009 at 10:37 am
When our twins were infants, I swear there were audible disappointed noises slash audible prays as we approached a gate. Also: very obvious “please god not on MY flight … crap, ok, not in my row please god please god please” body language happening. I felt both awful about flying with not one but TWO babies, and then alternately gleeful of all the hateful reactions: Ha, ha suckers! Whatcha gonna do?
Also, have a voiced how envious I am of your small, cozy Thanksgiving plans? This running all over and seeing as many relations both near and far for EACH AND EVERY HOLIDAY bullshit needs to stop. Kudos to you for stopping that habit before it started!
11. Marie Green | November 24th, 2009 at 10:38 am
(There are parts of the holiday-relative-seeing-fest that I adore… I just wish the EXPECTATION of our presence wasn’t so high.)
12. little miss mel | November 24th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Glad you “survived” the plane ride. No matter how good it goes, it’s so stressful just trying to prevent what could happen, you come home horribly exhausted.
Makes you want to get back out there, NEVER!
We hit the skies with two under 5 over Christmas. 2 plane rides. Hey, at least there are two adults this trip. I am SURE I will be what the toddler wants the ENTIRE day,
crap.
13. Jess | November 24th, 2009 at 11:33 am
You NEED a whole turkey because otherwise HOW WILL YOU MAKE THE STUFFING? Seriously. So, you have leftovers for a week. Or ten. That’s OK.
14. The New Girl | November 24th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Being on a flight with a screamy baby (mine or no) ALWAYS reminds me of that last episode of M.A.S.H. Do you remember that one?
How EFFED UP is THAT?
OMG.
15. Rhi | November 24th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
The last flight I was on (Chicago to Seattle, so, kinda longish) there was a wee screaming baby. One of the flight attendants asked the father of said baby if he’d like to go to the rear of the plane and try and rock her in a jump seat. He told her no, and the child continued to scream, and I wished for some sort of individual seat ejection device.
16. Li | November 24th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Hooray — you survived the first flight con bebe! Gets easier every time! But I am perplexed by the infant life vest — I have flown with baby E THREE times now and have never ONCE been offered one of these. Now feel TOTALLY irresponsible for not insisting on getting something that I didn’t know existed but probably SHOULD have imagined was an option. What airline did you fly? Apparently, the three I have flown in recent times SUCK.
On another note, enjoy what sounds like a blissful Thanksgiving — I”m cooking for 14 — FOURTEEN! Why did I think this would be a good idea?
17. Swistle | November 24th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I was good about babies even before I had one (I babysat a lot, so I was familiar with the concept of not being able to make a baby Stop Doing whatever it was doing), but now I am positively ANGELIC. I look adoringly at the child when I go past on my way to the bathroom; I ask the age; I say, “Oh, he’s SO CUTE!” When I’m seated and I see someone with a baby coming down the aisle looking for a seat, I make welcoming eye contact.
I am trying to get a place in heaven.
18. Nikki | November 24th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Dude. Those Jacques Pepin potatoes ROCK, do they not? They are tiny bits of heaven. I force them upon everyone I know. (When they dine in my house… not on the streets. Just to be clear.)
19. Jen | November 25th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Every holiday should involve ridiculously delicious potatoes. I hope the four of you (Sunny gets her own plate, right?) have a cozy cozy day together and stuff yourselves full of delicious buttery foods!
20. Sam | November 25th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Egg was awesome on the flights to and from Austin. The problem? The nice business man in teh suit sitting next to us. Egg has this thrilling habit of popping off the bewbie when my milk is in full SPRAY mode, thus wetting everything in the path of the milky stream. So I was chanting in my head: “oh please oh please no milk on the suit no no no no!” What do you say when you coat someone in breast milk? Oops my bad? So glad you made it home in one piece.
21. Annie | November 25th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I may be the only person but… I love flying with babies and children on my plane. I’m terrified of flying and have been since I was a little kid and somewhere in my head, I feel like if I’m on a flight with babies/kids, it’s less likely to crash. I swear, outside of my fear of flying, I’m a completely logical/rational person. I also appreciate when there are kids/babies on flights because it makes me toughen up. I cry on planes (frequently) and if there’s a kid in sight and they are doing just fine I’m all, “C’MON, Annie. Suck it up. That kid over there is flippin’ FIIIINE. Don’t be a wuss.”
22. Kristabella | November 25th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I always feel bad for the parents on the planes with the screaming babies. Scratch that, the CONCERNED parents who are trying with all their might to make the poor thing happy and not crying. The parents that clearly don’t give a damn, yeah, I kind of hope for the seat ejection thing. (I almost typed injection, which, yeah, that might work too.)
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
23. TwoBusy | November 26th, 2009 at 6:46 am
A very happy Thanksgiving to you, Adam and Beeber McSteebs.
24. 6512 and growing | November 29th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I wish someone had told me what a luxury it is to fly without children before I had them. Like, oh you can just sit there for 5 hours and read a book and eat peanuts and go pee, alone. Sounds sort of vacation-y.
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