Womanizer

So! Look, I can’t help myself, I am effing RIVETED by the Tiger Woods saga. The more sordid and nasty it gets, the more interested I become, sick as it sounds. It’s fascinating to me for about, oh, A THOUSAND REASONS, but the way celebrity images are so carefully constructed, despite our tabloid culture, is amazing. Yes, there are many celebs who are overexposed and victimized by the paparazzi and tabloids, but there are several who seem to be shrouded in a cocoon of safety, and the media plays right along, because if they didn’t, they’d be denied access. Tiger Woods was SO PROTECTED by the media, particularly the golf mags, because they needed him. Like, they KNEW he was a dirty dog, and yet they totally looked the other way. FASCINATING.

And then? BADAM! Some shit hits the fan and all bets are off. Michael Jordan. Kobe Bryant. Tiger Woods. It’s FASCINATING. Oh, they were the GOLDEN BOYS. And then … not so much. Incidentally, Angelina Jolie is still protected, and her bizarre hold over the media was explored in a killer NY Times article that I am too lazy to go find, but dude, it makes SENSE and her day of reckoning is COMING.

It’s so INTERESTING, as both an avid celeb-watcher and former-but-sometimes-current journalist. An assload of rules and disclosure and reporting just … ignored, for the sake of access and continuity. Sarah Palin only WISHES she had that kind of protection from our liberal elite media.

The OTHER THING — and I know this is unpopular — is that I think that if you’re going to marry a famous person, particularly a professional athlete or a rock star-type, then you should know what you’re getting into. In other words? Expect infidelity. Sorry. SORRY! I’m not saying it’s RIGHT, but I am saying it’s LIKELY, and I’m not sure, given the insanely INSANE circumstances surrounding certain types of celebrity (rockstars and pro athletes have groupies! And naked women throwing themselves at them ALL THE TIME), that it’s even a REALISTIC EXPECTATION that your husband will be faithful. In addition to the hot naked women throwing themselves at you, there is ALSO the creepy sense of entitlement and sycophantic entourage brought on by a lifestyle of always getting EXACTLY what you want without having to work for it. I mean, marriage is HARD, and if some woman over there in a thong promises an escape, maybe even a better lifestyle, one in which she will never wear her period underwear or nag you about taking out the garbage? A little tempting, but resistible. But HUNDREDS of them, asking nothing in return except the thrill of a dalliance with a celebrity and maybe a little cash? HELLA IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST, I’m guessing, especially if your lifestyle exploits AND masks your character flaws.

And all of this, for some people, can give them the sense that they are untouchable and, I don’t know, DESERVE naked romps with bethonged floozies, and that if they indulge, they won’t get caught, because bitches, don’t you know who I AM?

But let’s pretend that I went into a celebrity marriage with the knowledge that infidelity was inevitable. OH YES, LET’S. Even *I* would be pissed off that it came out that my husband had no fewer than ten LONG-TERM mistresses. I mean, it’s one thing to take the attitude that Dee Snider’s wife has — that sex with whores and floozies doesn’t matter, and I know this because I watched VH1′s “Rock Star Wives” oh yes I did — but QUITE ANOTHER to have relationships that go on for YEARS behind my CHILDBEARING HIPS, you motherfucker, you.

Incidentally, all of this is something that Adam and I have discussed multiple times and once, it led to a ridiculous near-tears altercation wherein I tried to make him promise on his LIFE that if he ever became a (oh my God) FAMOUS RAPPER, that he wouldn’t give in to temptation no matter how many women threw their underwear onstage, and that he would always love me, stretch marks and all. I should point out that my husband is a technology geek-type who is, as far as I know, in no danger of becoming a rapper of any kind, much less the next Eminem, AND he’s the most faithful guy who ever lived, AND right about now all the men reading are silently thanking God that they are not married to me.

And you know what ELSE? I am immensely irritated by people who claim to be above caring about such things. I mean, I GET that not everyone is all in to pop culture but MAN it really grates my cheese when Twitter is abuzz with a bunch of sanctimonious snobbypants who rant and rave that what Tiger does with his penis is HIS BUSINESS and it is NOT NEWS and how celebrities are JUST HUMAN and OH SHUT UP WE SHOULD ALL BE FOCUSED ON REAL NEWS. And it happens EVERY TIME there’s something fluffy that’s in the news. PUH-LEEZE. For God’s sake, I was a JOURNALIST. And yet? Schadenfreude! It’s what’s for breakfast, lunch AND dinner, and I’m sure it will be in even greater abundance when Miley Cyrus releases her version of Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” because OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY.

Why yes, my friends, I DID just devote an entire post to Tiger Woods, but everyone in my real life is just plain OVER me talking about it all the time, so here! You get to hear ALL ABOUT IT.

*It’s Britney, bitch.

76 comments December 9th, 2009