Don’t Stand So Close To Me

I have a zit at the end of my nose, and though Adam never mentioned it, while heading to lunch today, he suggested I “guide the way,” and then I realized he was also singing, “…then one foggy Christmas eve …” under his breath.

Nice, right? My husband, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, I’m, um, STILL READING THE HISTORIAN, and anticipate that I will be until the new fracking year, after which I plan to pick up something light, fluffy and made of marzipan and rainbows. I’ve put myself on a diet of sorts, wherein I’m not allowed to add anything new to my reading list until I finish five books that are already on it, because nothing makes me want to weep more than a to-read list of more than 75 books. Come to think of it, however, I doubt that 70 will be any less daunting. My attitude may change, however, when I’ve finished this weirdly enjoyable literary albatross that I just can’t bring myself to quit.

Bullets of nothingness ahoy!

– I watched SNL this weekend (Sunday morning, natch), and was … well, let’s just say that I was having some thoughts of the impure variety about Taylor Lautner and felt shockingly inappropriate about the whole thing. I mean, he’s SEVENTEEN. My age would send him into apoplectic FITS, not to mention the fact that ogling him is borderline ILLEGAL. I mean if my husband were drooling over a 17-year-old, I’d be grossed out and lecturing him about how it’s INAPPROPRIATE and how she’s young enough to be his DAUGHTER and … oh my God. OH MY GOD, I just realized that I really AM old enough to be Taylor Lautner’s mother. Assuming I had him when I was HIS AGE.

Oh my God. GROOSSSSS.

(But so delicious.)

(It’s worth noting that while calculating how old I would have been had I BEEN Taylor’s mother, I a) had to use my calculator on my computer, why yes, I really did; and b) actually thought my calculator was BROKEN when it kept saying 17 over and over again when I hit the equal sign after subtracting 17 from 34. I went so far as to say it OUT LOUD that my Mac’s calculator was BUSTED, because it WOULD NOT SUBTRACT 17 FROM 34, WHAT THE FUCK? I even used another calculator online! Just to check! Okay, TWO OF THEM. And thought, hm, maybe I don’t know what the minus sign looks like anymore, because it just KEEPS SAYING 17 WHAT THE FUCK? Ten minutes — yes, really, TEN MINUTES — later, I realized that 17+17 = 34. My math skills are truly something to behold. Good thing I never worked in finance! OH WAIT.)

– My daughter is at going through a stage where she is Very Busy, and she is Very Busy learning a staggering amount of new skills like waving bye-bye! And sitting up like a big girl! And pushing buttons to make things happen on her toys! And all these things sound ridiculous, because we can ALL wave goodbye, GOD, but to her, these are VERY BIG DEALS and she is Very Busy and she needs to practice these new exciting things and as a result, she does not want to sleep, because sleep interferes with being Very Busy learning Very Important Things.

It also results in expecting fracking BOUQUETS OF FLOWERS and JOY every time she accomplishes said new skills. Cute, right? Yes, yes, cute. But when she’s beaming with pride every time she pushes a button and expects you to reward her with an explosive reaction at 6 a.m. because she made the froggy sing, it can be … exhausting. Yes, child, you made the frog sing because you pushed the button. THAT IS WHAT THE BUTTON IS FOR. YOU DID NOT SOLVE A MYSTERY.

– In no-shitter news, it’s amazing how much more manageable the cold weather is when you dress appropriately for it. One of the best things about not working in an office is that I don’t have to wear office-appropriate clothes and if it’s wintry, I can just wear what’s WARM, rather than what’s CUTE. And while I’d normally post this sort of thing on Style Lush, this is … not stylish, but BOY HOWDY, is it ever WARM, even in the frigid temperatures of Vermont’s winter and LOOK AT ME, I’m finally DRESSING FOR THE WEATHER LIKE A GROWN-UP. Behold, the Land’s End Squall Parka, on sale right now.

Speaking of Style Lush, have you seen this gift guide? One hundred twenty-five gifts under $25. Good gifts. For real. Also, I did a gift guide for kids, and do you know why I’m not linking to it now? Because almost everything on it is sold out everywhere. Could it be the power of my gift guide? Doubtful, but guess who didn’t get to buy anything on it? Oh that’s right: ME.

Happy Monday!

*The Police, of course

23 comments December 13th, 2009