Don’t Stand So Close To Me
December 13th, 2009
I have a zit at the end of my nose, and though Adam never mentioned it, while heading to lunch today, he suggested I “guide the way,” and then I realized he was also singing, “…then one foggy Christmas eve …” under his breath.
Nice, right? My husband, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, I’m, um, STILL READING THE HISTORIAN, and anticipate that I will be until the new fracking year, after which I plan to pick up something light, fluffy and made of marzipan and rainbows. I’ve put myself on a diet of sorts, wherein I’m not allowed to add anything new to my reading list until I finish five books that are already on it, because nothing makes me want to weep more than a to-read list of more than 75 books. Come to think of it, however, I doubt that 70 will be any less daunting. My attitude may change, however, when I’ve finished this weirdly enjoyable literary albatross that I just can’t bring myself to quit.
Bullets of nothingness ahoy!
– I watched SNL this weekend (Sunday morning, natch), and was … well, let’s just say that I was having some thoughts of the impure variety about Taylor Lautner and felt shockingly inappropriate about the whole thing. I mean, he’s SEVENTEEN. My age would send him into apoplectic FITS, not to mention the fact that ogling him is borderline ILLEGAL. I mean if my husband were drooling over a 17-year-old, I’d be grossed out and lecturing him about how it’s INAPPROPRIATE and how she’s young enough to be his DAUGHTER and … oh my God. OH MY GOD, I just realized that I really AM old enough to be Taylor Lautner’s mother. Assuming I had him when I was HIS AGE.
Oh my God. GROOSSSSS.
(But so delicious.)
(It’s worth noting that while calculating how old I would have been had I BEEN Taylor’s mother, I a) had to use my calculator on my computer, why yes, I really did; and b) actually thought my calculator was BROKEN when it kept saying 17 over and over again when I hit the equal sign after subtracting 17 from 34. I went so far as to say it OUT LOUD that my Mac’s calculator was BUSTED, because it WOULD NOT SUBTRACT 17 FROM 34, WHAT THE FUCK? I even used another calculator online! Just to check! Okay, TWO OF THEM. And thought, hm, maybe I don’t know what the minus sign looks like anymore, because it just KEEPS SAYING 17 WHAT THE FUCK? Ten minutes — yes, really, TEN MINUTES — later, I realized that 17+17 = 34. My math skills are truly something to behold. Good thing I never worked in finance! OH WAIT.)
– My daughter is at going through a stage where she is Very Busy, and she is Very Busy learning a staggering amount of new skills like waving bye-bye! And sitting up like a big girl! And pushing buttons to make things happen on her toys! And all these things sound ridiculous, because we can ALL wave goodbye, GOD, but to her, these are VERY BIG DEALS and she is Very Busy and she needs to practice these new exciting things and as a result, she does not want to sleep, because sleep interferes with being Very Busy learning Very Important Things.
It also results in expecting fracking BOUQUETS OF FLOWERS and JOY every time she accomplishes said new skills. Cute, right? Yes, yes, cute. But when she’s beaming with pride every time she pushes a button and expects you to reward her with an explosive reaction at 6 a.m. because she made the froggy sing, it can be … exhausting. Yes, child, you made the frog sing because you pushed the button. THAT IS WHAT THE BUTTON IS FOR. YOU DID NOT SOLVE A MYSTERY.
– In no-shitter news, it’s amazing how much more manageable the cold weather is when you dress appropriately for it. One of the best things about not working in an office is that I don’t have to wear office-appropriate clothes and if it’s wintry, I can just wear what’s WARM, rather than what’s CUTE. And while I’d normally post this sort of thing on Style Lush, this is … not stylish, but BOY HOWDY, is it ever WARM, even in the frigid temperatures of Vermont’s winter and LOOK AT ME, I’m finally DRESSING FOR THE WEATHER LIKE A GROWN-UP. Behold, the Land’s End Squall Parka, on sale right now.
Speaking of Style Lush, have you seen this gift guide? One hundred twenty-five gifts under $25. Good gifts. For real. Also, I did a gift guide for kids, and do you know why I’m not linking to it now? Because almost everything on it is sold out everywhere. Could it be the power of my gift guide? Doubtful, but guess who didn’t get to buy anything on it? Oh that’s right: ME.
Happy Monday!
*The Police, of course
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
23 Comments Add your own
1. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | December 13th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Ah, just wait until she starts potty training and sweet lord in all the land, the dances of victory and bliss you’ll AT FIRST be compelled to do are outstanding, but then by the 20th time, you’ll be like, woo hoo, yes, you peed. I gots to go now.
Of course, bear in mind that tonight, I made my 7 year old dance around the living room like a banshee purely for my enjoyment so as I could laugh and laugh and tell him to do it again (20 times) tonight, and, you know, that potty dance routine might not seem so annoying.
2. H | December 13th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Your calculator situation reminded me of the time I was on the phone, calling a coworker and his voicemail told me to push 9 to reach him. I pushed 9 – nothing. I pushed 9 again – nothing. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Thinking my phone was broken, I pushed 9 VERY HARD and at that moment realized I was pushing 9 on my laptop and not my phone. I is smart.
Sam sounds like loads of fun. I fondly remember those moments with my kids.
3. Susanna | December 14th, 2009 at 12:49 am
To put a further chill on (our shared)… I mean YOUR Taylor Lautner jones… He is the same age as the son that a classmate of ours had my junior year in high school. (You remember, the one who’s baby daddy was arrested for armed bank robbery? Oh we grew up in such a classy area…) So so wrong. It is actually more appropriate to lust after Harry Potter.
4. Swistle | December 14th, 2009 at 7:05 am
I was admiring Jason Derulo in a music video and then realized he was CLOSER TO MY SON’S AGE THAN TO MINE. He’s 20. My son is 10. I am…more than 10 years older than 20.
5. jonniker | December 14th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Susanna: OMFG KENNY. Right? Wasn’t the armed robber named Kenny? But for the LIFE of me, I cannot remember who had a baby with him. I remember that cute girl … Jen something? who he raped (SPECTACULAR) and I ALSO remember Mr. Grube taking us to county jail for us to see what it was like AND having HALF OF MY CLASS be all, “Can we please go visit Kenny?” I do believe the prison guards were adamantly against that, AND were like, seriously? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? Jail is hideous! You’re fifteen! And you have a FRIEND HERE WHO IS AN ARMED ROBBER. WTF.
6. AndreAnna | December 14th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I think you need to write more about Kenny.
But yes, when I took myself on a date to see a movie alone, I choose New Moon. Why? I’ll never know, basically because that movie destroyed my frontal lobe and that’s where LONG TERM MEMORY lives.
I do, however, also share Thoughts of The Impure variety regarding said werewolf.
Not as much as a certain Nordic vampire though
7. jonniker | December 14th, 2009 at 8:02 am
DESIREE. Was it DESIREE, Susanna?
(Hi! Stream of consciousness commenting!)
8. heidi | December 14th, 2009 at 8:11 am
1st, I have that coat in the stadium length. It rocks! Even if my husband calls it my frumpy coat. DO. NOT. CARE. Warm.
2nd, New Moon made me feel like a pedophile. I am older than you, have a 15 year old and he is HOT. It is just icky.
9. melospiza | December 14th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Ha ha ha that calculator tale made me pee my pants. I love how you were so DEDICATED to the problem. Also: yesterday I was trying to do some basic multiplication sans calculator–you know, keeping the old brain in shape, right?–and, well, I had to give up. I could not for the life of me remember what 9 times 7 was. Or nine times 6. I could remember 9 times 5 but then adding more nines to that was…well, it was impossible, okay?
But I CAN remember when my daughter started the New Skill acquisition blast. At one point she learned how to sit up and it was SO COOL. Except for the fact that she couldn’t figure out how to LIE DOWN AGAIN. So she would sit up in the middle of the night and get STUCK. And start crying. Augh.
10. Jess | December 14th, 2009 at 11:22 am
But she DID solve a mystery. Because she is WEE. And that makes it special!
Still, I’m not sure I could muster the enthusiasm at 6 a.m. And hey, is nine months old (is that her age?) REALLY too young to learn that sometimes the reward has to come from within? In other words, oftentimes you’ll do something that seems AWESOME to you, but nobody else will give a crap? And that’s why we all have blogs.
11. Shelly | December 14th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Your calculator skills sound like mine. One time, I was trying to find 40% off $100. And was stunned to find that lo! it was $40. Unfortunately, a co-worker was in my office, so I asked her, “wait, 40% of 100 is 40?” and she looked at me like I was the biggest moron ever.
12. Marie Green | December 14th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Isn’t it weird how people would rather be cold and cute than warm and not-as-cute? I can tell you, I wear a black down parka that is just long enough to cover my ass. And a hat, mittens, and scarf. All winter. And I am one happy, warm chica. However, even when it’s quite literally many, many degrees below zero (not including wind chill) I STILL see people walking around with no hat, or just a light jacket, and I’m just blown away. Also, often they are not cute either. Heee.
So, in conclusion, I’m glad you are warm. =)
13. She Likes Purple | December 15th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Kyle started waving bye recently and he waves and then snaps his head in the direction of me or Mike and pauses for applause and high-pitched shrieking. We’re creating a monster.
14. Shana | December 15th, 2009 at 10:42 am
All right, I’ve kept my mouth shut until now, but I can do so no longer.
LAND’S END, JONNA? YOU ARE LIKE FOUR MINUTES FROM FREEPORT. L.L.BEAN. WHERE IS YOUR YANKEE LOYALTY???
I’m better now. Rilly.
I file wool peacoats under “cute but useless,” because even with scarf, hat, and mittens, my arms are always cold. Screw appropriate dress — give me down sleeves! In my defense, having grown up in N.H., all I wear is a sweater until it gets down below about 38. Zero to cold-wimp in a single degree!
Math thing: blame Mommy Brain. I would have also added “tell no one,” but I suppose that’s a lot to ask of a blogger who’s…already blogged it.
Good news is that I suspect you’re in very good company.
15. jonniker | December 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
HA! Well, in my defense, I did look at LL Bean, but I didn’t like any of their coats in the price range I was seeking. Although I DO have a large LL Bean wardrobe, so fret not.
16. Christine | December 15th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Aw, so now not only do I want you to be my real life, next door neighbor, but I want Adam to be my very best friend. When you move next door you can leave Sam with us whenever you want, because she sounds delicious.
17. Mauigirl | December 15th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Dressing appropriately for the weather is one of the many things I will enjoy when I retire at the end of January!
I actually got a great parka from LL Bean last winter when I wanted something warm for when we’re in the Adirondacks at our cabin. It’s warm as toast but happens to be bright neon pink. Which isn’t such a bad idea when there are people with guns hunting for deer in your vicinity I guess. They only had that one color left when I bought it.
18. HollyLynne | December 15th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I was on a book diet as well in order to finish this infant development / neuroscience book that was WAY interesting but ABSURDLY dry and tedious. I stayed up late last night to finish it and I’m looking very much forward to starting in on some fluff tonight!
19. Carolyn J. | December 15th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
I have 250+ books on my to-read list. I get antsy when it falls below 200 and I cruise every living being’s shelves until I find more books. Is there something wrong with me?
20. Music Search | March 2nd, 2010 at 7:40 am
Nice stoy, I hope it never happens to me
21. Dress up games | May 11th, 2010 at 9:16 am
Dressing appropriately for the weather is one of the many things I will enjoy when I retire at the end of January!
I actually got a great parka from LL Bean last winter when I wanted something warm for when we’re in the Adirondacks at our cabin. It’s warm as toast but happens to be bright neon pink. Which isn’t such a bad idea when there are people with guns hunting for deer in your vicinity I guess. They only had that one color left when I bought it.
22. organisme rachat de credit | May 13th, 2010 at 5:24 am
thanks for this informations
23. Oxy | July 11th, 2010 at 5:40 am
Thanks for another nice article. Like by reading the article.
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