Safety Dance
December 20th, 2009
As Samantha becomes more and more mobile, I find myself NOT seized with pride and admiration for how much my girl has grown and how adorably proud she is as she peeks her head over the coffee table as she (oh my God), pulls up to a near-stand on it, oh no. Instead, I am literally — no, LITERALLY — thinking, there must, SURELY THERE MUST, be a way that I can delay this? I’m not ready for her to be bonking her head and landing face first into the kitchen tile, and I am MOST DEFINITELY not ready for her to be pulling the baby gate down from in front of the fireplace and pulling it on top of her like some kind of miniature Steven Seagal in a harrowing cruise ship scene. I actually considered, for a good hour or two, mind you, that if *I* stopped walking, she would forget that she’s descended from homo erectus, and perhaps consider reverting to homo crawldownus, at least for a little while longer.
Because Jesus, the head bonking! The tears as she decides, out of fracking NOWHERE, that no, actually, instead of sitting, she’d like to lounge on her back with a nice cup of water. Oh, is that her tub of Legos behind her? Well, FUCK, that HURTS, what the HELL? Woe! Wailing! Confusion! Oh, and if you were thinking of turning around to, say, pick up the dog dishes before she pours Sunny’s water all OVAH her head, THINK AGAIN. Because in the .02 seconds it will take you to do THAT, she’ll have tangled her torso in your laptop cord and is bleating confusedly while somehow — SOMEHOW — simultaneously bringing the power strip (THE ONE THAT YOU HID) to her wee little mouth, oh my FUCK.
It’s a circus. A freakin’ circus and she’s only ONE TINY PERSON. And it’s going to get WORSE oh my God, when she starts Frankensteining around this place like a tiny DRUNK-ASS BABY and I have a headache just thinking about it.
She’s also STILL at the point where she is SO FREAKING BUSY that she can’t wind down at the end of the night, no matter how tired she is, and oh, fret not, her GENIUS PARENTS are contributing to such madness. For every night, we have been saying “Night-night!” and having her wave goodbye as she heads into bed. It is very EXCITING to wave night-night, apparently, and she can’t turn it off, so for the first fifteen minutes of crib time, she just lays there like a pickle, staring at her waving arm thinking, “What the … this is so STUPID. Why am I doing this?” (I don’t have a good answer, kid) and she can’t turn it off! She waves all night! She wakes herself up fucking WAVING, PEOPLE. EVERY FEW HOURS WITH THE WAVING. And then once she’s waving, she might as well be trying to pull up, because why not? She ain’t got SHIT TO DO but lay there and maybe sleep, but she’s too BUSY FOR THAT SHIT, YO. LET ME PULL UP ON THIS HERE CRIB AND SHOW YOU MAH SKILLZ.
OH MY GOD.
Ahem. Sorry. It’s just that it’s been a little exhausting around these parts lately, but in a good way. I mean, she is SO FUN and FUNNY and lights up like a freakin’ menorah when I walk into the room, assuming she let me leave it in the first place. But MAN, I do believe we have entered the phase of childhood where I can kiss goodbye the idea of ever pooping alone again.
In other news, we finally caved and bought a Wii for Christmas. Yeah, I know, vacuum cleaner, I KNOW, we suck, I KNOW. It was an IMPULSE BUY and I spent the better part of the weekend playing tennis with my Mii, and you know, I wasn’t good at tennis when my parents made me take lessons THEN, and I’m not good at tennis NOW, even when it’s fake tennis, with no running involved. And perhaps MORE pathetic is that I am SORE from non-running tennis and also, a little boxing, and am feeling like maybe I burned a few extra calories … no? No. Whatever.
So! A few other things, in brief:
– I *think* I found a solution and format for the book club, and will be posting something either later this week or just after Christmas. I’m also sloooowly e-mailing all of you back, but don’t panic yet if you don’t have one, because, you know, it’s Christmas, my kid is a freakin’ TRANWRECK and there are an assload of you and also, I sort of suck.
What Jennie and I have been thinking is that we’ll keep it simple and fun and easy for people to be a part of — people can contribute/talk as much as they want to, but the official-like stuff, I’d like to keep relatively easy. Who the hell wants to be a part of something that sucks up all of your time and isn’t fun, because it’s a fracking JOB? No one.
So we were thinking we’d require that everyone be a part of book chats no more than five nights a week, for, say, an HOUR at most. Does that work for everyone?
(I KID I KID OH MY GOD.)
– I continue to be fascinated by TigerGate, and sort of, well, sickened, because again, no matter what she knew, did she REALLY think 12 mistresses? Really? And WHAT, pray tell, did Rachel Uchitel have on the guy that no one else had to earn a bigger payout than Elin will probably get at the end of their marriage? (Damn you, Florida, and your fucking no-fault laws. DAMN YOU! *shakes fist*) I WONDER.
– Ding dong. Brittany Murphy. Whaaa? Sad, yes. Surprising? No. Come on. The woman was a LOLLIPOP ON A STICK and clearly … troubled. Ahem. And yes, I find it fascinating how people become deified in death. First Michael Jackson, now Brittany Murphy. Oddly, this ties into an entire topic that I think about far too much than is healthy, which is the way people handle tragedy on Twitter, and by “people” I don’t mean the people suffering the tragedy, I mean the creepy hangers-on who use someone else’s tragedy to somehow further their own agenda and turn it into some kind of creepy CAMPAIGN. Some things don’t need a Twibbon, is all I’m saying. And if something, God forbid, happens to me or someone I love? I will fucking RIP YOUR THROATS OUT if you start a Twibbon campaign.
– I am disappointed in our government right now, on about a thousand levels. DISAPPOINTED. You know what I wish sometimes? I wish Obama was a little like George W. Bush. No no, not THAT way. I mean in the way that Bush and his cronies just bullied the SHIT out of people to get shit done. For chrissake, the man passed the PATRIOT ACT, one of the biggest travesties in our nation’s history. THE PATRIOT ACT. All of these douchebags referring to Obama as a socialist and is behaving like a dictator? OH HO HO HO, sometimes I wish he would actually ACT LIKE ONE, since he’s being accused of it and all. (I KID KIND OF) At least we wouldn’t be dicking around in this pile of SHIT and getting our asses handed to us by a bunch of manipulative right-wing pundits who know their way around rhetoric so that people who don’t actually believe that our nation is being DESTROYED by health care reform and that Obama is related to HITLER are SOMEHOW BELIEVING IT.
SHUT UP. (I wanted the public option. So sue me.)
– Lately, the word “swollen” has been creeping me out. My mind goes to unsavory things. It’s right up there with ENGORGED.
Happy Monday! Week ‘O Christmas. HAHAHAHAHA, oh God.
*Men Without Hats
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
27 Comments Add your own
1. H | December 20th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Don’t even get me started on the addictive Wii! (Damn the animated balance board in Wii Fit!)
I am right there with you about the government. And the commercials! Hoo boy, some of them are so ridiculous – full of their doomsday lies. I can only hope no one is influenced by their ridiculousness.
2. Nic | December 20th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
No Twibbons? Why are you so demanding, even in death? If we can’t have twibbons can we get the cupcakes back?
3. Blythe | December 20th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I’m thinking of creating a Twibbon campaign for Elin.
(ha ha! Actually, I had never seen the term “Twibbon” until this very post. My online life is now complete.)
4. Kakaty | December 20th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
M started walking the day she turned 10 months old. I kept reminding her that she wasn’t supposed to do that until about 13 months. She didn’t listen and from then on if she’s awake I don’t get to sit down either.
Also, amen on your gov’t rant.
5. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) | December 21st, 2009 at 12:22 am
We’re getting a Wii for Christmas, too. We also got a vacuum. It was the gift my husband’s company opted for this holiday season. It seems weird, and I already have a perfectly fine vacuum, so I’m in a bit of a conundrum about it. I’m hoping some Mario Kart helps clear my head.
6. Nothing But Bonfires | December 21st, 2009 at 12:34 am
We just gave my parents a Wii as an early Christmas present. Trust me, you have not lived until you’ve seen your mom Wii bowling.
7. Stevie | December 21st, 2009 at 12:57 am
Swollen and engorged are two words that can not be used in any normal conversation without a That’s What She Said joke.
And yeah, Brittany Murphy? It’s really sad. She was only 32 and died of a freakin’ HEART ATTACK. And the coroner is saying it’s from natural causes? Yeah right. But then again, cocaine comes from a plant…it’s actually funny, just a week ago I was watching some show on E or VH1 or something about the top 20 celebrity plastic surgeries and they did a little snippet on Brittany Murphy getting her lips injected or something, and I thought to myself “Huh…that chick is probably doing to die young”. Weird.
My 6 month old nephew has become increasingly active in recent weeks and it scares the bejesus out of me. Whenever I hold him he just wants to dance and bounce up and down, and last week I was putting him down on his tummy and he jerked right out of my arms and bonked his head. I wanted to kill myself right then and there when he started crying
Wow, this comment was WAY too long.
8. She Likes Purple | December 21st, 2009 at 1:02 am
I’m going to make your twibbon a really annoying color, just so you know.
9. beyond | December 21st, 2009 at 4:10 am
i wanted the public option too. sigh.
10. JennC | December 21st, 2009 at 6:43 am
I totally agree with the entirety of your last paragraph. Fuck bipartisanship, we need a public option. Makes my blood boil.
I bought a Wii off a coworker’s kid — I’ve only used it a few times, but holy crap, the boxing kicks my ass. Of course, it’s the most amount of exercise I’ve gotten in, say, five years. Ahem.
11. Swistle | December 21st, 2009 at 7:07 am
I just….I just love this whole post. No, THE WHOLE THING. All of it. Love it.
12. twojams | December 21st, 2009 at 8:42 am
Great post. You hit the nail on the head with your comments about the health care reform. It makes me sad that our government is full of people who just make bold, useless statements and don’t do anything to help the public.
On the other topic of mobile babies, that was, I think, THE hardest phase for me so far with both my kids. Everyone told me how hard the newborn stage would be, but I loved that part. For me, the sleep deprivation did not remotely compare to the sheer physical and mental exhaustion of getting up every 20 seconds to keep the little weebles from toppling over, hitting their heads on a sharp chair rail corner (HATE my chair rails!), fiddling with cords, outlets, etc., etc., etc. It is so hard those first several months after they get moving like that. But it’s pretty cool too, like you said.
13. Heather B. | December 21st, 2009 at 9:51 am
I have loved politics – especially congress – since forever and the last several months have pissed me off something fierce. To the point where I can’t even properly articulate how angry I am except for AHAKSKSIGHTIDKSL! Also, I’d like to remain employed so fully expressing my displeasure with all 535 members of congress is kind of frowned upon.
I think what is really making me angry about this is the public’s reaction to everything. I would go so far as to say that I liked it better when 90% of the public didn’t know the first thing about how congress works and now here they all are commenting away and comparing Harry Reid to Charles Manson and Hitler. Yes! Both! I’m angry on so many levels. It’s best that I keep my anger limited to the width of a comment box.
14. jonniker | December 21st, 2009 at 9:59 am
Heather: I’m annoyed by the outrage from the GOP pundits and other peeps about the bargaining done with Nelson. Dude, that kind of bargaining has ALWAYS happened, it’s just that it’s never been so TRANSPARENT. Oh and the GOP is MASTER OF THE TIT FOR TAT BARGAINING. They ALLLLL are. But no, we’re supposed to be angry about Nelson’s Nebraska payouts. Whatevs.
15. AndreAnna | December 21st, 2009 at 10:27 am
The whole Twitterverse “so sad” over the death of Brittany Murphy? MAKES ME INSANE.
Is it sad that another young troubled person is dead far too soon? Yes.
But jeesus, people, you didn’t know her.
Everyone needs a campaign.
16. Shin Ae | December 21st, 2009 at 11:43 am
(1) On the list of Things I Never Thought I Would Say but Said When I Became a Parent: “Where do you think we can buy a helmet?” Because my kid totally needed one. We settled for an extra puffy hat that could strap on, because it was either that or child-abuse allegations, we were sure. The memories still make me feel all jumpy.
(2) Totally excited about the book club.
(3) I’m a little scared of Ghost Jonniker.
17. Artemisia | December 21st, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I miss the public option, too. *sniff*
But Jesus Christ, Congress. Let’s get something done. Gah. Preferably without any talking or news conferences.
18. Amy K | December 21st, 2009 at 4:44 pm
The week my daughter turned seven months old, she figured out how to stand up and cruise down the couch, tables, etc. and nothing in our house has been safe since. Two months later, she’s opening drawers and cabinets, chewing cords, putting dust bunnies and mystery dirt into her mouth, and (oh holy Christ) standing up without support for a few seconds. For every item you think is safely childproofed, she will immediately find 10 more that aren’t. I don’t know if my heart is going to survive the next couple of years. I’ll never understand how people have more than one child under the age of, oh, eight.
19. Anne | December 21st, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Politics = Anne’s head explodes. Again. I just came from Christmas with my in-laws, where we take a few Serious Right-Wing Christians, throw in two Vegan Socialists, a Lesbian Couple from the Big City, and a delightful old German man who YELLS racist things, because he can’t hear himself unless he is REALLY LOUD. The Socialist Vegans got kicked out of the family poker game because they cross out “In God We Trust” on all of their money and thusly the Serious Right Wing Christians wouldn’t TOUCH their money GAH and…wait, what was this comment about? Politics. I can’t do politics near holidays without threatening to lock someone in the basement. But if I were able to talk politics, I would totally agree with everything you wrote up there. Just please for the love of Morgan Freeman DON’T TELL MY IN-LAWS.
(And for a non-politics related side-note, I saw someone on twitter add a twibbon to their avatar to support THE SIMS 3. Are you effing kidding me? A twibbon to SUPPORT a VIDEO GAME? A piece of me died that day. Very sad.)
20. Angella | December 21st, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I’ve told a few of our mutual friends, and will thus tell you the same:
If, God forbid, anything happens to me, I don’t want douchebags making it about themselves. Twibbon campaigns included.
You are given the authority to tell them to STFU.
21. Christine | December 21st, 2009 at 5:51 pm
You know, the Wii convinced me that I was a pretty decent bowler, what as the reigning champion of my house…and then I went to an actual bowling alley. And it turns out that I am not so much an excellent bowler. In fact I think the word best used to describe my bowling would be pathetic. Maybe awful.
AND AMEN, do we ever need a public option. Really. I’m all for “socialist” medicine. And that friends, is that. I don’t mind paying taxes when we as a people are getting taken care of.
22. -R- | December 21st, 2009 at 11:45 pm
I kind of want to celebrate the holidays with Anne’s in-laws. The most exciting my holidays get is when H’s parents and siblings talk about how awesome Glenn Beck is and then H calls them all idiots.
23. TwoWishes Tara | December 21st, 2009 at 11:54 pm
I’ve been following your blog for a month or two and have meant to say this before, but we are living the same life. Seriously, this post? My day. Right down the dog’s water dish!
Last week I visited my parents in Iowa. (And was convinced our girl would get the Pig Flu on her first plane trip. Then you traveled and I thought “Oh, good, she’ll show me it’s perfectly safe.” And, well, we know how that turned out. Luckily no more than a few sniffles on this end.) And had the baby for every waking moment because she’s in the midst of MamaMamaMAMA attachment and wouldn’t go to anyone else. And also got to sleep with her because there was no crib, and man, same issue on the sleeping. Anyway, my big quote of the weekend was at 4:30 when I snapped and started yelling “No clapping! Sleeping! No clapping! Sleeping!” So, yeah. My life.
24. TwoWishes Tara | December 21st, 2009 at 11:57 pm
P.S. The baby is 9 1/2 months and days away from figuring out that she can walk. When I told my 86-y-o grandmother my fear about what’s to come, she said, “yeah, we spend their first year dying for them to walk and talk … and the rest of our lives wishing they’d sit down and shut up!”
25. monkey | December 22nd, 2009 at 12:47 am
I’m sad about the public option too. But speaking as someone who worked for Mr. Bush and now works for Mr. Obama (civil servant at an executive agency), it is soooooooooooooo much better to work for Mr. Obama. And before anyone gets on my back-I’m a registered Republican who voted for him.
I share your frustration that his team is slooooooooow and deliberates like crazy (ding dong, never place political appointees on time, whaaa?) but at many of the agencies they are re-building everything from the ground up. And yeah, they’ve inherited…well, there are no words. Aside from the functionality of an agency’s central mission, there are so many managerial and organizational clusterfrocks WITHIN the agencies that his transformation teams got dumed on them that it’s taking a little longer than anyone would like, I think. It’s kind of unbelievable unless you’re watching it from the inside. I actually talked about it a lot at my b-school interviews.
26. Gretchen | December 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Eventually, Sam will get GOOD at movement and will stop scaring you or wounding herself quite so much. I PROMISE.
I won’t promise how SOON this will be…lest you have flashbacks to the whole “sleeping through the night” stories parents taunt each other with, but this exhausting stage eventually changes to a stage where your monkey is actually sort of self-sufficient. It is hilarious, awesome, and best of all, I can hoestly shower or use the bathroom or sometimes even read a magazine all by myself! I realize you are a smart person and know that babies grow up — but I vividly remember the DANGER stage, and I would have found it much easier to cope with if I could have seen ahead into the competent, if occasionally over-reaching, stage. Good luck. 
27. Leah | December 31st, 2009 at 2:33 am
Catching up and way late, but for your consideration: When your crawling baby starts to toddle, suddenly your babyproofed house is not so much since eye-level and grab-level are now six inches higher than before. BEWARE.
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