I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You
January 19th, 2010
One of the awful, terrible, annoying side effects of parenthood is that I can no longer just enjoy American Idol for the fluffy piece of SPUN FLUFF it is meant to be. Oh no no no. I can’t even get off on watching the asshole kids who think they can sing screw up royally and stomp off into the ether. OH NO NO NO. NOPE. What am I doing instead? I’m getting choked up and upset and and thinking THAT IS SOMEONE’S CHILD. (Yes, feel free to punch me, because isn’t THAT annoying as fuck.) And when I *do* get angry? I’m angry at the parents. I’m angry that the parents encouraged their kid to make a total ass of themselves on national television and were so freakin’ BLINDED BY LOVE that they thought their child could sing!
Please. Please give me the wisdom and strength to stop my child from auditioning for American Idol if, indeed, she cannot sing. Give me the courage to redirect her into something she CAN do, even if that thing is something as mundane as BASKET WEAVING.
Speaking of my progeny, did I tell you guys we spent Friday afternoon at the pediatrician’s office because I found a — wait for it — LUMP in my child’s, um, BREAST? Yes. Fantastic. I mean, don’t you think ten months old is a bit YOUNG to initiate BSE’s? Seriously, y’all, it was a fracking MASS. A MASS. Well, it IS a mass, I should say. As it turns out, however, it is a normal mass, and the result of her picking up MY hormones in the womb and WOW BIOLOGY IS SOME FREAKY, DISTURBING SHIT.
In thrilling news, I have lost eight pounds. Eight! On my Wii Fit! For SERIOUS! Yes, there are diet changes as well, but honestly, nothing too drastic. I eat pretty healthily as it is, and though I cut my portions a little (and by “a little,” I mean, “Stop sticking your face in the feed bag like it’s some kind of endless TROUGH”). The worst part? You can’t even tell, swear to Jebus. You can’t tell! It’s all the SAME up in this piece. My Mii still has a muffin top, it still hollers at me that I’m overweight, and it STILL says “Oh!” in a horribly accusatory tone when I step on to start a new exercise. You guys, all I want to do is fit into my old jeans and pants so I don’t have to buy new ones. THAT IS ALL I WANT. Am lazy! And ironically, the way to maintain my laziness is to exercise. Yes, friends, in the battle between exercise and buying new clothes, I have chosen exercise as the lesser of two evils. That’s how much I hate shopping.
And finally, because a day is not a day unless I’m kvetching about something meaningless and yet strangely offensive to a select group of people: Do you know what I find very strange? When people parade their significant others out there as pieces of meat for others to envy. I find it weirder if it’s your husband. Yes, I get that you love him and yes, he’s adorable, but … I … what? Are you REALLY trying to make me COVET your husband? I think that’s odd! I do! I mean, do YOU like him? Awesome! Good thing you married him! Hooray for you! I love my husband, too.
Believe me, it’s not that I don’t want to hear about your relationship, because I do! I really do! And I’m SO GLAD he is awesome and I want to hear how thoughtful he is, because I think YOU are great and you deserve it, but I don’t … I don’t know, I guess there is a TONE in the way some people refer to their significant others that is a little ODD, and I am doing a VERY BAD JOB of explaining this, but I think it’s WEIRD when I’m being put into a position that, again, I’m feeling like you’re trying to make me JEALOUS of the fact that you have a hot husband and I … eh?
This is not limited to the blog world, I must hastily add. This is one of those UNIVERSAL phenomenons that perplexes me offline and on in equal measure.
Again, I ask, does this make sense?
No. No it doesn’t. BUT IT IS WEIRD, YOU MUST TRUST ME.
Happy Wednesday! I have to make three loaves of banana bread for playgroup, and again, I tell you, I’m starting to feel like I have an elementary schooler who constantly needs CUPCAKES. BAH.
*Black Kids
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
30 Comments Add your own
1. Jennie | January 19th, 2010 at 10:37 pm
So you’re saying I should stop sending you inappropriate photos of Mike? You’re so weird.
2. Marie Green | January 19th, 2010 at 10:43 pm
The good news is that in elementary school? The no longer allow homemade goods. True effing story. Has to be prepackaged. I’m not even kidding.
Also, my daughter (Joan, if you’re wondering) had what they called a “breast bud” too as an infant. She had it at birth- or shortly therafter. My dr said it would go away by three months. At three months he assured me it was no biggie and that they are always gone by six months. At six months he said “Oh, it’s just a breastbud. They always go away by 9 months”. This went on until the 15 month appt. wherein I BURST INTO TEARS and pointed out that he’d been saying the same thing and giving me weird timelines and GASP CHOKE WHEEZE does my daughter have breast cancer?
I DID finally go away. (Out of curiosity, did they call hers a “breast bud” too?)
3. jonniker | January 19th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
Marie, no, she called it something very technical involving the “gyno” prefix .. gynocelogicaboobithasomething? As you can see, I was very focused beyond, “THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL. BREATHE.”
Jennie: The ones of him in the Speedo were only slightly disturbing.
4. Sundry | January 19th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Here’s what *I* think is really weird — for all the sensitivity with regards to weight/size/whatever, I’ve never once heard anyone say they’re offended by their Miis (?). I mean, I don’t have a Wii Fit, but for real, this avatar thing gives you SHIT, and it’s a NINTENDO CARTOON, and that’s OKAY? What the hellllllll.
5. Marie Green | January 19th, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Thank you, you just confirmed that my doctor was MAKING UP TERMS to placate me. I’ve suspected all along. (We see someone else now. Um, OBV.)
6. Jess | January 19th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
I ALWAYS feel furious at the parents, and I don’t have kids, so it can’t just be that. Seriously, I think the reason a lot of these people are so delusional and in tears is because their freaking parents LED THEM ON. Don’t you see what a DISSERVICE you are doing to your child? Maybe we’re all unique snowflakes but that doesn’t mean we’re all good at everything we try. And THAT’S OK.
7. St | January 19th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
Okay, so I’m a newer reader, still getting the hang of the song title thing. So when I saw “*black kids” I had to go back up and scan through the post again to see why you would need to footnote that. What about black kids? This doesn’t sound good. I like this blog, I hope she’s not a racist.
I can be a little slow, yes.
8. Lippy | January 20th, 2010 at 12:41 am
I watch it from the parental perspective and as a high school teacher. My husband and I saying ” I bet she really does her homework and asks good questions” or “that kid always wants to be center of attention and disrupt everyone”. I find myself really rooting for the sweet kids, but it would help if their parents didn’t delude them. I know what you mean about the husband thing, but I think I prefer that to feeling like they are trying to convince me he is an asshole.
9. angelynn | January 20th, 2010 at 1:05 am
I can definitely relate on the weight loss vs. shopping topic. I *hate* shopping because it takes forever, is expensive even if you go to a discount store, and because sizes are never the same across more than one brand. Wow, I feel great because I’m an 18 in these pants, but why am I a 22 in those? Oh, it’s called spandex. I would like to thank whoever came up with stretchy jeans. Seriously.
But you’re right, exercise makes a difference. And if you can have fun doing it you’ve got it made. Congratulations on your weight loss. My husband has been wanting to get a Wii for our sons for a while. Maybe that’s the ticket. I need to find something that’s going to get me off the couch. And I’m glad to hear your daughter is OK. That must have been horrible until you got the news she was fine. There aren’t many things worse than thinking the worst is happening to your child. For those Idol parents I guess your kid sucking at singing isn’t the worst thing in the world.
10. Erin (Snarke) | January 20th, 2010 at 1:32 am
You know what? My Wii Fit board goes “oh!” when I step onto it too and every. single. doctor has told me to GAIN weight (I won’t go into my magic number because, well, why?) And I. Feel. You. about shopping–especially for pants. Pants shopping is of the devil.
I have no views on American Idol (don’t watch it) but the baby booby lump FREAKS ME OUT and I don’t have kids (yet.) (hopefully)!
11. Raven | January 20th, 2010 at 7:03 am
I was telling Jennie that I have had my Wii Fit since it came out and mine still goes Oh! any time I step on it. I did however forget to mention that it still says it when I weigh my luggage on it before the airport and that has never gone over 40lbs.
I am going to go with it being excited that you are on the board properly and ready to work out!
12. Tessie | January 20th, 2010 at 8:57 am
That “this is somebody’s child” thing is truly debilitating. Precludes the enjoyment of all kinds of horrors.
13. Shelly | January 20th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Yeah, I agree, as parents we have to steer our children towards the things they are good at and away from the things they are not so good at.
But I can still laugh at the Idol contestants.
14. Mrs. D | January 20th, 2010 at 9:57 am
1. Pants shopping is hell on earth. Feel like some self-loathing? Try to find a new pair of pants. I’m definitely in the camp of Lose Weight Until the Old Pants Fit!
2. I feel so bad for those poor kids on Idol, too. I just don’t get how they can be SO DELUDED. Being “good” at everything certainly can’t be more important than embarrassing yourself on national TV, right?
3. Your Wii Fit sounds mean. Almost as mean as Jillian Michaels, who likes to yell at me from the confines of the 30 Day Shred.
15. Shari | January 20th, 2010 at 10:48 am
I hate shopping too. After weaning my son, when it was crystal clear that my old bras were, to put it nicely, BAGGY, I seriously considered stuffing them just to avoid shopping for new ones.
Lucky for me, I bought a few pairs of pants when I was a little bit pregnant but not enough to need maternity pants. So I still fit in my pregnancy pants, haha…ha.
16. Kristin H | January 20th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
The other thing that gets me about Idol is the people who DO get through to Hollywood, I think how proud their parents must be. That makes me cry every time. Yep, that’s me. Crying tears of joy over AI.
17. Rhi | January 20th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
First of all, I think you should know how hot my fiance is. Also, he was a collegiate swimmer, so I’m sure I could find some photos of him in a Speedo. Off to call his Mom to ask!
On the American Idol thing…I tried out for tennis in high school. It was HUMILIATING. I do not have an athletic bone in my body (though I’m an excellent golfer) and I just really wish my mom would have directed me elsewhere. It would have saved me some embarrassment. Obviously, I did not make the team.
18. H | January 20th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
I work at home – and I do work, I get tons of work done – but I also keep the TV on for background noise and occasional adult conversation. I spend a lot of time IMing people at work and it just isn’t the same when there’s absolutely no opportunity to look over a cubicle or meet up at the water cooler.
19. H | January 20th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
Oops, commented on the wrong post. Sorry!
20. Kerri Anne | January 21st, 2010 at 12:05 am
What I have never understood about American Idol auditions is how the contestants pass through all of these “screeners” before ever reaching the judges, and thus the show is literally sending the worst people through, for ratings and mortification alone. I will admit to laughing, but the inefficiency of the entire process, if I ever stop to think about it, drives me batty.
Also: yay! for eight pounds.
21. Carrie | January 21st, 2010 at 10:51 am
BTW: The balance board gives the condescending “Oh!” even when you DO have the “normal” BMI. Apparently it’s supposed to be more of an “Oh! Someone stepped on me! Yes, I feel your presence!” sound. Well, guess what, balance board, you missed the mark, and you can just go SUCKIT!
And giving me an OLD LADY Wii Fit Age when my BMI is normal, and then giving my husband a YOUNG one when he is 20 lbs overweight? SUCKIT!
22. Carrie | January 21st, 2010 at 10:56 am
And apparently EVERYONE in my town is a member of your book club since every single copy of “The Help” is checked out or on hold. Listen, library, don’t make me have to buy that book when I am poor and on unemployment and have a terrible new knitting obsession to fund!
Oh! and P.S. Yay, you, for losing eight pounds!!!
23. Swistle | January 21st, 2010 at 12:33 pm
No, yes, I totally get it about the husband thing!! What is UP with that?
24. Kristabella | January 21st, 2010 at 1:15 pm
I hate the American Idol auditions. Because those people KNOW they are bad and do it just to get on TV. And the producers put the worst ones through. It’s just a circus act.
25. Annie | January 21st, 2010 at 4:15 pm
1. My fiancee is constantly talking about how the greatest lie anyone has ever been told is, “You can do whatever you want if you work hard enough!” Sorry, I’m never going to be an Olympic gymast. You know why? I am over five and a half feet tall! It’s not in my genes! I’m all for encouraging people, but not encouraging them to make fools of themselves!
2. I get the exact same noise when I stand on the Wii board as my friend who weighs significantly more than me. It’s totally weird and I think it’s funny, but also kind of insulting. The Wii active is for real, though. I did something on there that made my upper back hurt for dayyys. But it was the good kind of hurt!
26. Ashley | January 21st, 2010 at 4:29 pm
I totally understand your “that’s somebody’s baybeeeee” sentiment! I have this same thought at the most random times. Like if I’m watching COPS, and some crackhead is getting beat up after bailing his stolen vehicle, I’m all, “STOP! That guy has a mommyyyyyy!” Man, I’m a real weirdo.
27. Leigh | January 21st, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Oops ,missed this post, Am late to the party. But! On the bragging about spouse/SO thng: I KNOW! I hate it.too! The worst offender? My mother! (She is not talking about my father, she is remarried). I do not like. What am I supposed to say? Yes he is the perfect man? Ew. Enough.
And it is doubly bad when bragging to single people like me. The phrase “Smug marrieds” was the best thing to come out of Bridget Jone’s diary.
Also: Go You! 8 pounds is great, I promise it will show soon.
28. Katy | January 23rd, 2010 at 12:36 am
Delurking to say that the over-gush about the husbands freaks me out too. I mean, that much closeness is BOUND to bring out some sort of hostility–no? that’s just me? Never mind.
29. TwoBusy | January 23rd, 2010 at 11:44 am
This is probably a good time to mention that my wife’s husband is, like, INSANELY hot. OMG, you guys.
30. Alison | January 23rd, 2010 at 11:16 pm
I am the same way when I watch American Idol. I always pray that I won’t be that deluded parent who has encouraged her child to be an idiot on TV.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed