Speechless
March 28th, 2010
So.
Last week happened.
That was something. If by “something,” I mean something horrible and soul-crushing and easily the most challenging two and a half days of my entire — no, seriously, ENTIRE — life.
(Warning. This is kind of painful, but I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY. IT WAS THAT BAD AS MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS CAN ATTEST AS I LIVE-TWEETED THE HELLFIRE.)
The short version is this: I got the flu — the achy, shivering, feverish, want-to-die kind — plus barfing. The pukles! I GOT THEM! I woke up at 2 a.m. Wednesday morning thinking, boy, that London broil was a bad idea … I wonder if it was old? And by 3, I was in the bathroom, still holding onto hope that it was just a passing food thing when I realized, hm. Adam seems to be holding up just fine. By 7, I was starting to panic, and by 7:30, I was back in the bathroom ready to gouge my eyes out with my Venus razor. By 8, I realized desperately that Adam was leaving on a business trip (an interview in Boston, among other things), and I was supposed to go with him to visit my sister and have dinner with our friend Eve and there was no way in HIZELL I was going to make it.
Now all this seemed fine and good until I realized that while *I* was off the hook for traveling 300 miles (IN A CAR THAT WAS MOVING), Adam was still slated to be there, by hook or by crook, which meant that *I* was going to be home alone with a baby and a dog and The Pukles and … oh heavens, my friends, it was awful. Awful. AWFUL. It was EPIC in its awfulness, and I plopped my kid in front of the TV all day, every day (THE GUILT) and I watched the same! Laurie! Berkner! DVD! over and over again, and I acquainted myself with The Wonder Pets, and twice, I threw my screaming little baby into her crib while I desperately ran to the bathroom to throw up because she was doing something like reaching for the scissors on the counter and … oh.
Random aside: she’s effing tall enough to reach for shit on the counter. She’s not even 13 months old. She’s SO EFFING TALL, you guys, what is this MINIATURE GIANTESS I am raising?
Anyway, the whole thing was a horror show, and honestly, no exaggeration, CHILDBIRTH was easier than that shit, yo. CHILDBIRTH. I was in tears, I had a 102-degree fever, I was throwing up, I was desperate — oh, so desperate — for sleep and by the time Adam came home with sweet, sweet relief on Friday afternoon, the house looked like someone broke in, I hadn’t showered since Monday and Sam was happier than a pig in shit because she was basically wading in piles of it.
I tell you though, and I don’t mind saying this, for I feel I’ve earned it: When Adam came home, and everyone had survived? Dude. I felt like I was fucking BADASS, which is, when you think about it, ridiculous, but I’m telling you, it was like running five marathons with a colicky baby strapped to your chest while getting poked in the lady bits with a ceremonial sword or two. (Maybe the one Jacob and the Man in Black keep trading back and forth?) I LIVED. THE BABY LIVED. Oh y’all. I can do ANYTHING.
Meanwhile, the dog. My God, the dog. The dog was acting like some kind of FREAK DOG the whole time Adam was away — she followed me around underfoot, she barked at the air, she barely slept. Since he’s been home, she’s been passed out on his chest, snoring, every chance she gets. If I may anthropomorphize for a moment, I think she felt like she had to be on high alert because her alpha was gone. (I am not the alpha. Or even the beta. I’m pretty sure I’m her underling. She heeds the BABY better than she listens to me.)
Guarding the important people, before all hell broke loose.
Several epic naps, a husband who cleaned the entire house from top to bottom (including the CARPETS, people) and plenty of time lounging and I am almost recovered, at least physically. Mentally, it’s going to take some TIME, y’all. Like, YEARS.
In other news, I’m going to be in another Smart Pop book! This time in a guide for Glee! GLEE! It comes out in the fall, just in time for the second season. There’s also a contest if you want to submit your own essay on how Glee has impacted your life for a special section in the book.
GLEE!
GLEE!
Trust me when I say re-watching an entire season of Glee, over and over again (this time focusing on Mr. Schue and that irritating, no-good Emma Pillsbury. THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT. EMMA SUCKS.) is SO MUCH LESS TRAUMATIZING than two seasons of True Blood. (And infinitely easier than a day filled with C-SPAN.) TRUST ME. Let’s see: perky, whip-smart high school students embroiled in situations that don’t involve blood, guts and gore or John Boehner? Easy! Hell, after deconstructing two seasons of True Blood, teenage pregnancy seems downright wholesome.
And with that, happy Monday, y’all. May you all remain puke-free.
*Lady Gaga
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery,I Love Television,Pop! Goes the Culture,Sunny The Pug,True Blood,Uncategorized
39 Comments Add your own
1. Kate | March 28th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Oh Jonna….I feel your pain. Literally I got that same flu on Monday only mine was 18 hours of The Pukies, The Shits, Fever, and a bonus of Excruciating Back Pain! Fortunately, my husband wasn’t lured away on a business trip and was able to corral the children and keep them alive during my near-death experience. And then! He took me to the ER where I got some blessed drugs when I was convinced my kidneys were trying to exit my body.
And here I am, 6 days later and FINALLY starting to feel like some semblance of Human. Only now, everyone tells me I look like an emaciated corpse. And that I need a sandwich. WTF???
I survived. But just barely. You sound way more badass than me. I can’t even imagine taking care of a baby in the midst of that….
Good on ya.
2. Marie Green | March 28th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Oh God, I was following you on twitter that whole time and was pretty aware of the awfulness, but this makes me AWARE aware and dude. Just… DUDE. When I hear of someone experiencing something like this, I feel the need to tell this story:
Once my one year old twin daughters, my husband, and myself ALL threw up within 1 hour of each other, at around 3 am, and several of us threw up several times during that one hour. And one of the girls threw up so many times (like 12x in about 45 minutes) that I called the nurse line, and that poor woman had not only the honor of “witnessing” my daughter barf into a bowl on my lap, but also got to hear me thrust the phone to my husband, who was assisting another puker, drop a howling toddler to the floor, and run away from the phone and toward the toilet moaning OH GOD OH GOD. I’m sure she heard me barf too. And sob.
And i tell you this not to one-up you, because I actually believe that being home *alone* sick with a baby THE WORST scenario (at least I had another adult in the house!), but because I want to commiserate. These things are LONELY, and we are a TRIBE who has SURVIVED. It was so awful that it’s now a part of WHO I AM, and I want people to know who I am, so. We should have bracelets made up! Or… visors!… or twibbons!!!!
(Also, what ARE we supposed to do in those situations? It seems like there MUST be something to do, besides just… endure, but we had no idea…. call a neighbor? Call David’s parents? In the middle of the night?… We did nothing.)
This kind of thing DEFINITELY needs to be put on our collective list of “things one cannot prepare for ahead of time re: parenting”.
I am so glad you are better. And I’m so glad Adam is home.
3. slynnro | March 28th, 2010 at 10:27 pm
I am just really NOT in the Glee club (pun NOT intended and not realized until typed out). I cannot STAND THE SHOW. I know! What is my deal? I hate it!
And my god, every time I get sick I think “I COULD NEVER HAVE A BABY!” and this post confirms it! I am not as tough as you!
4. jonniker | March 29th, 2010 at 6:01 am
Marie. oh my GOD, I am TWITCHING just thinking about it. TWITCHING. That’s … horrible.
As for what we did, I DID have help from my friends during the day. I got a delivery of ginger ale, and some wonderful offers of help. But at the end of the day, I didn’t WANT anyone to come into this — most of my local friends have little kids, and I’d feel HORRIBLE if any of them got sick, you know? GAAH IT WAS AWFUL.
Your story? OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
HAAA, but you are SO RIGHT in that it’s part of who I am now. Maybe we could get tattoos in a secret place with a special symbol, like people who are in prison get spider webs.
5. twojams (Shannon) | March 29th, 2010 at 7:14 am
I was also following on Twitter. I can only imagine the sinking feeling both you and your husband had as he walked out the door to leave. But, YEAH! to getting through the week. That is a sense of accomplishment greater than so many other things.
6. Cheryl | March 29th, 2010 at 7:15 am
Happy as a pig in shit is one of my favorite expressions and that visual of Sam in the middle of it had me hooting. Up til then I was thinking, Dude, no one died, get over yourself. But that visual put it all into perspective. Ugh, poor you, poor Marie. Blessings on you both for surviving. I’m starting to empathize with a faraway friend on FB who keeps posting every time he pukes.
7. jonniker | March 29th, 2010 at 7:23 am
Cheryl, it’s tempting to think it’s not a big deal when you’re reading it about it, but let me tell you, I’m a pretty tough cookie and this was … awful. I mean, when was the last time you had the stomach flu? I’m going to go with not very recently, because HOO BOY. I know I had COMPLETELY forgotten how awful it was, and being totally alone with a kid who wakes up three times a night from teething? Oh MAN.
I know! I KNOW! I had FORGOTTEN HOW AWFUL IT IS.
8. Farrell | March 29th, 2010 at 7:52 am
I really cannot even FATHOM being home alone with a BABY while having the flu. OMIG. I completely disagree with Cheryl because dude, taking care of a baby takes all your energy and time when you’re HEALTHY I really DO think you deserve a FREAKING medal. For real, yo’.
9. H | March 29th, 2010 at 8:26 am
My husband and I both had the stomach flu when our son, a toddler at the time, did not. For us, one of the worst things we had to do was feed him. GOOD LORD, just thinking about food for him made us gag and then the preparation and feeding was worse. You didn’t mention that, but I know you fed Sam while Adam was gone so you know exactly what I mean. I’m glad you made it through!
10. Melanie Kerton | March 29th, 2010 at 8:37 am
In December I had the swine flu and got it the day before my husband was due to leave town on business, I was never so scared in my life! Taking care of my two kids all the time, and my niece before and after school (one 18mths old, one 4, and one eight) was unbelievable hard….. I FEEL YOUR PAIN…. it just seemed like it was never-ending, I ended up getting secondary bronchitis from the flu, and then both kids got it (they at that point had only had round one of the shots) and then the baby got a double ear infection (secondary to the flu) all in the 6 days my husband was gone. I remember posting about it on some sort of chat site (I dont blog) and people just slamming me about growing up and getting over myself, but it was truly THAT HARD…. It took me 3 weeks to finally start feeling myself!
So glad you survive, are feeling better and how wonderful that your husband did so much when he got home!
11. Diane | March 29th, 2010 at 9:06 am
Oh, Jonna. When you say that about the trauma taking years to heal? You are SO NOT KIDDING. Last February, as in February 2009, Violet woke up at 4AM puking. About every 20 minutes for the next several HOURS. Isla was 2 months old at the time. Then Matt started barfing. And I was washing my hands every 10 minutes in a desperate attempt to STAY WELL for the well-being of my FAMILY. But, no. By the next day, I was puking. The other two were still puking. I was nursing a baby through a growth spurt. My parents were out of town, so there was no one to rescue us. We were holed up in our house for a WEEK, yo. I kept thinking, hoping, PRAYING at any moment, someone would burst through the door and take over and be all HAHA IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
Anyway, that was well over a YEAR AGO, and (as you may be able to tell) I am still so traumatized. Every time I hear one of the kids cough in their beds, I get all on edge, like IS THIS IT? IS THIS WHEN OUR LIFE GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL AGAIN?
My heart was BREAKING for you, reading those tweets. And I am incredibly impressed you made it through.
12. jonniker | March 29th, 2010 at 9:29 am
Melanie: What WHAT? I … WHAT? Grow up and get over yourself? WITH THE SWINE FLU.
Do these people remember what it’s like to have the flu? Your whole body hurts. It hurts to move a FINGER, much less do things like …anything.
Oh, dear. I think people just FORGET, because why else would they be that cruel?
13. Life of a Doctor's Wife | March 29th, 2010 at 9:39 am
That sounds horrifying. And you totally ARE badass for coming through it with everyone in one piece. (And not covered in barf.)
Hope you never ever ever have to go through that again. Ever.
14. Sadie | March 29th, 2010 at 10:12 am
whoa. I’m trying to remember the last time I had a flu like that, and I vaguely can, but what’s helping me empathize, moreso, is thinking about having to care for a chirpy active baby in the throes of one of my epic hangovers. (I get the most spectacular, unbelievable hangovers – vomiting all day, chills, migraine, general wish for death and inability to move, etc – leading more than one witness to advise I might be “allergic” to alcohol.) Yeah and that only lasts a day, so trying to imagine it, prolonged over days and days while having to keep another unreasonable human being alive is, whoa. yeah. You get a medal.
15. AndreAnna | March 29th, 2010 at 11:38 am
Parenting while sick has got to be one of the worst things ever, ever, ever.
It does make you feel like superwoman when you come out the other side, though.
16. Leigh | March 29th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Mad props to you. Last time I had the lfu, my son and I both got it at the same time. I remember trying to manage his projectile vomiting while dealing with my own. And, oh those aches. I literally could not stand on my feet long enough to prepare food for my kid. It was awful. He lived on power bars and crackers for several days. It morphed into bronchitis for me, and I was sick for months. Awful, horrible, and yes, very traumatizing.
Now I get flu shots every year and keep my pneumonia vaccine up to date. Am bullet proof. Desire to NEVER experience that again.
17. jonniker | March 29th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Leigh: You know what’s messed up? I had both flu shots and I’m up to date on all of my vaccines. And I got it anyway! I WAS SO BITTER.
18. Leigh | March 29th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Oh Jonniker, I do not want to hear that. Was feeling smug in my viral armour. One of my best friends was felled last week (just before the weekend on which there was an athletic competition she has been training seriously for for a YEAR) with a bout of pnuemonia that came out of nowhere and landed her on her ass. So instead of competing (and kicking the ass I’m sure she was going to kick), she spent her weekend in the ER getting online updates aboout the Sectonals. Ugh.
I hate getting sick. Going into my bubble now.
19. Kristabella | March 29th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
You should get some sort of medal! I was sick a few weekends ago, with a COLD! No Pukles! And I was whining and all I had to do was take care of me!
20. Kerri Anne | March 29th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
I’m so! glad you’re better, and that you love GLEE, because can I just say quite frankly that I do not understand how people can not love it? I cannot fathom the reality that people hate it, or don’t get it, or that Kurt doesn’t make them simultaneously swoon and laugh until their sides hurt. (I’m seriously fighting the urge to proselytize Slynnro with GLEE propaganda and quotes right now.)
Here’s to more of that: laughing until your sides hurt, and not your insides hurting.
I’m totally home sick today, feeling generally miserable and like I’d rather jump out a window than have it hurt so badly to swallow, and you know what? I’m going to watch some GLEE. So there.
21. Shana | March 29th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Heh. Flu Vietnam. (No offense, of course I realize, etc.) Flu PTSD. Now all you need is Flu Shock Treatments to wipe away the memories.
Sunny cracks me up. Dogs are the best. (Well, and curly-haired [not so] little girls. And spousal rescuers. Whatever, you know what I mean.) Yay for coming out the other side alive.
John Boehner. “The Boner,” Stephanie Miller calls him, and rightly so. *shudder*
22. Danell | March 29th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
I think, absoLUTely, people forget what it truly feels like to have the flu. I used to work with a girl who would complain about being sick and so “tough” because she would work “through it.” You don’t come to work in the throes of the flu…it’s NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE…if you can manage to get up and get ready and go all the way to work and then work, then you do NOT HAVE IT. Which is why it sucks SO VERY THOROUGHLY when you have to do what you did. If you were trying to go to work, you’d be all “screw this, I’m dying”…but with parenting THERE IS NO WAY OUT. YOU MUST JUST SURVIVE. ohsoawful.
I’m almost smug about it around people who haven’t lived it. =)
23. april | March 29th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
ugh, sorry for the pukies! I just wanted to comment and say that my dogs are exactly the same – they’re okay during the day, but if my husband is not home by the time the sun goes down they are growling at every passing car and pacing the house. When my husband is home, they decide they can go off duty.
24. tracey | March 29th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
You deserve a super-hero cape for that week… Glad you survived and that your carpets got cleaned.
25. Katy | March 29th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
I was watching it unfold on Twitter and that was a completely awful thing. Completely. Just having the flu make me want to call my mommy and crawl under the covers–I have no idea how you kept another person alive at the same time.
26. angelynn | March 30th, 2010 at 1:34 am
I’m so sorry you had such a horrible sickness. I honestly can’t imagine being that sick and taking care of little ones. And not having a break whatsoever. You are bad ass, there’s no denying that. I’m so glad you’re feeling better and that your husband totally rocks. I’m also glad that he and your daughter escaped the sickness because that would have been a total kick in the ass to come back and have to be a hero again. Keep feeling better!
27. The New Girl | March 30th, 2010 at 6:34 am
Being sick without a kid is a WHOLE DIFFERENT BALL GAME than being sick WITH a kid. It is nothing short of the epic horribleness that you described. AWFUL.
And then, ALL RIGHT, I’m going to have to give Glee another try, I suppose. ALL RIIIIIGHT.
28. Speechless | Jonniker.&hellip | March 30th, 2010 at 7:02 am
[...] gone. (I am not the alpha . Or even the beta. I’m pretty sure I’m her underling. …Read More Cancel [...]
29. Marie Green | March 30th, 2010 at 8:43 am
It has to be that people forget. I think people OVER-diagnose themselves with things like the “flu”… not feeling great? Have a bit of a cold? Must be flu! So they are desensitized to the ACTUAL FLU.
First of all, having a fever as an adult is absolutely HORRIBLE. You feel like you might, actually-for-real, DIE. And the only other solution besides dying is to fall asleep (in order to escape the awfulness). But then a KID wakes you from you SLEEP? It’s seriously more awful than anything else.
And that’s just the fever part… add in the barfing aching etc… Yes people must really forget…
30. Marie Green | March 30th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Also-also, I’m really sorry to say that I got so distracted with the commiserating about the flu… but another BOOK??? Wow, that’s just so awesome!!!!! Congrats.
31. cindy w | March 30th, 2010 at 8:52 am
You might need some counseling for PTSD after a week like that. I can’t even imagine. If ever there was a big neon advertisement for “this is why you should have grandparents within a 10-minute drive of where you live,” you just nailed it.
32. Speechless | Jonniker.&hellip | March 30th, 2010 at 7:53 pm
[...] gone. (I am not the alpha . Or even the beta. I’m pretty sure I’m her underling. …More Cancel [...]
33. Deanna | March 31st, 2010 at 10:00 am
This post makes me so, SO thankful that my mom lives five minutes away. Seriously. How on earth do people with babies cope wtihout family right down the road??
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