My Body Is A Cage
March 30th, 2010
I just can’t get behind wearing sunglasses indoors. I’m all for impractical fashion statements — after all, it’s not like a necklace serves any purpose, when you get right down to it — but if I don’t care who you are, if you’re wearing sunglasses indoors, at night, you’re a douche. I mean, RIGHT? How is this not such ubiquitous common knowledge that no one dares attempt it, for fear of public stoning? EVEN YOU, USHER. Or perhaps, especially you.
So! Today, I was chatting with Adam and being a total smuggimus douchimus about how since having Sam I’ve really gotten it together! I haven’t dropped the baby, spilled copious amounts of paint, smeared dog poop on my forehead or pulled any of my pre-kid hijinks! Look at me, all MATURING AND TOGETHER AND SHIT. Motherhood has turned me into a responsible adult! AM GENIUS.
(Honestly, you guys, I thought this. What an asshole I am, right? I mean, who thinks that, much less admits it, but y’all, really, I was all, LOOK AT ME GO!)
ORILLY, JONNA?
We had tacos for dinner, and though Sam is at the age where apparently she can eat whatever we eat, I’m thinking, tacos? Really? I mean, is there a way to present tacos in a way that is both practical and palatable to a miniature person who is still incapable of wielding a spoon, much less a crispy taco shell? No, no, I decided. Best to stick with the usual fare, I say! (Strawberries, carrots and grilled cheese, if you were wondering.)
And then she was all excited about the tacos and wanted to TRY the tacos and I’m thinking, well, if I break off a small enough piece, hey, no problem, LOOK AT ME GO, FEEDING MY BABY TACOS! MARVEL AT MY COMPETENCE IN REARING A BABY WHO IS NOT ONLY SURVIVING BUT HAS AN ADVENTUROUS PALATE.
(Smuggimous! douchimus! for so many reasons, not the least of which is, really? Tacos from an Old El Paso taco kit are haute international cuisine? REALLY?)
And she loved it! For like, a minute, and then there was, oh my God you guys, SCREAMING. BLOODY SCREAMING. Red-faced screaming and flailing and SCAH-REEMING and I’m all, is she choking? (Because of course, when people are choking, they scream.) And then I stuck my fingers in her mouth, fishing around and the screaming intensified and I’m all WHAT THE HELL OH MY GOD WHY THE SCREAMING?
Oh hi, there were jalapenos on that taco. I mean, I didn’t feed her a jalapeno, but have YOU ever touched your eye after handling peppers? And you guys, I not only fed her a bit of taco that was BEPEPPERED, but I was all fishing my bepeppered fingers in her already-painful mouth and HOO BOY, I’d be screaming, too, because MY MOTHER IS A BITCH WHO IS TRYING TO KILL ME, you know what I’m saying?
I basically fed jalapenos to my baby. Full of win, this one.
Oh, but the comeuppance had not yet ended! I got in a stupid bickering match with Adam and was all stubborn and bitchy because he was right and I didn’t want to admit it (I finally did), and stewed about THAT for a little while, but when I went to walk the dog, OH! That’s when the gods decided this bitch needed to be smacked, quite literally, as I got tangled in the dog’s leash and just fucking HIT THE GROUND in the driving, freezing rain yelling, for reasons that have yet to make any sense to me, “AHHH MOMS FALL! MOMS FALL! MOMS FALL!” while Sunny squealed in pain as she choked on the leash. And then this neighbor guy, who fell once and literally couldn’t get up, JUST LIKE THE COMMERCIALS, leaving Adam to scrape him off the pavement, was all, “YOU’RE FALLING!” And I’m all, “MOMS FALL! MOMS FALL!”
YOU GUYS. I can never leave the house again.
Was I referring to myself in the third person? Having a moment of comeuppance that I realized that mothers are not infallible? Oh, these are deep thoughts indeed, smuggimous douchimus. DEEP THOUGHTS, INDEED.
Yogurt on her face and hair. Why? Because after the jalapeno incident, I was all, “EAT THE YOGURT! EAT THE YOGURT!” and proceeded to paint her with it.
I hope you guys have a better Wednesday.
*Arcade Fire
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery,What the fuck?
34 Comments Add your own
1. Beth Fish | March 30th, 2010 at 9:04 pm
Ok, so Owen is a year and change older than Sam, but we have yet to find the food that is too spicy for him. So really, you were just checking whether you had a spicy kid or a non-spicy kid. Non, apparently. And now you know.
2. Bunnyslippers | March 30th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
Just delurking to say that you made me laugh really hard and that the universe teaches me a lesson whenever I get smug, too. It usually follows some (brief) victory with the baby. Thanks for the laugh!
3. mrsgryphon | March 30th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Hope Sam recovered from the jalapeno incident quickly, although she might not be an Old El Paso fan for a while
This might make you feel a little better: I absentmindedly unbuckled the baby from her booster seat yesterday and then walked away to get a cloth to wipe her face. I heard the sound of her flinging herself out of the chair, and very nearly flew across the kitchen as she was landing. She was fine, but I knocked at least 2 years off my life.
4. Marie Green | March 30th, 2010 at 9:46 pm
I can never utter anything of the like, either, without immediately eating my words.
And that photo makes me remember why I love the whole baby-bath routine (though not on newborns. HATE BATHING NEWBORNS)… and I love it because they start out SO messy and end up SO clean so it feels like BIG PROGRESS. I like jobs that show big progress with little effort. (Dusting after months of forgoing it also comes to mind).
5. Sadie | March 30th, 2010 at 9:52 pm
Ha! I have not even read past your first paragraph yet but I had to stop and comment immediately about the indoors sunglasses thing. Not sure if I coined it myself or heard it somewhere, but every single time I see someone wearing sunglasses indoors, and/or at night, I think (and sometimes say) “there are only two kinds of people that wear sunglasses at night. Blind people, and assholes.” It was my catchphrase during a 2005 trip to Vegas.
6. Sadie | March 30th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
and ohhhhh your poor baby! But that is a little hilarious. Not as hilarious as your incomprehensible utterance after the universe bitchslapped you, of course, but up there.
7. willikat | March 30th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
But you are NOT smuggimus douschemus because you admit it. I can respect a girl who can admit it.
8. Jennie | March 30th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Thank heavens they won’t remember any of this. At least that’s what I tell myself. When I smack Kyle into the door frame as I’ve done MORE THAN THREE TIMES in the last week. I misjudge it! Often!
9. DeeDee | March 30th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
I’ve been forced to wear my sunglasses when they are definitely not needed (indoors, raining, dusk, totally dark) on several occasions because they are prescription, and every once in a while I get caught away from home without my regular glasses. This is either because of unexpected weather change, I’m gone for longer than I planned and I blithely left my regular glasses behind (“I’ll be back in a hour!”) or just plain forgetfulness. It’s either that or total blurriness.
I always feel like kind of a moron wearing them at inappropriate times. I want to carry a sign that says, “I gotta or I can’t see!”
10. Assertagirl Amy | March 31st, 2010 at 7:18 am
Oh, now I’m sorry that I haven’t visited in awhile because I’ve missed so much of Sam’s growing! She is so sweet, all that lovely hair.
11. Swistle | March 31st, 2010 at 7:19 am
Pardon me while I LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH. It feels so WRONG to laugh, and yet I CANNOT HELP IT, IT IS TOO FUNNY.
12. beyond | March 31st, 2010 at 8:33 am
this made me giggle. however, i don’t think you did anything wrong. some babies love spicy stuff. trial and error, right? love the yoghurt treatment spa moment photo.
13. Shelly | March 31st, 2010 at 8:48 am
Oh, that’s wonderful! Pricelessly funny. Yes, do be careful what you say. The Universe is ALWAYS listening. And will be happy to smack you back down if you get too uppity.
14. Life of a Doctor's Wife | March 31st, 2010 at 9:40 am
How could you possibly know your baby wouldn’t like jalapenos unless you had her try them? At least that’s my position. And I’m sticking to it!
Also? Usher with the sunglasses? Not cool. Usually I think of Seacrest as the Douche of the Universe, but I liked it when he sat next to Usher and donned his own sunglasses. That was funny.
15. HalynB | March 31st, 2010 at 9:52 am
Wow, total Cosmos/Fate/Karma smackdown! I’m pretty sure I laughed hard enough to draw their attention to me, though, so don’t worry, you’re safe now!
I feel really bad for laughing, but…”MOMS FALL!” Dying over here, just dying.
And yeah, Usher, take off your sunglasses. You are INSIDE.
16. -R- | March 31st, 2010 at 9:53 am
Not only did you refer to yourslef in the 3rd person, but also in the plural form! Ha!
17. Jess | March 31st, 2010 at 10:04 am
The sunglasses were ridic, I agree, but on the other hand it turns out that I love Usher. He was hilarious! And smart! And articulate! I had no idea.
18. Jessie | March 31st, 2010 at 10:55 am
Okay so I had to get up and walk away from the computer to wipe my eyes and compose myself sometime around “MOMS FALL.” Oh hell, I don’t laugh that hard very often so I THANK YOU. MOMS FALL. OMFG.
19. Suniverse | March 31st, 2010 at 11:44 am
MOMS FALL should be the international distress signal.
Sunglasses indoors are a classic sign of douchery.
Also, TWICE I fed my daughter a banana, which she immediately barfed up [not an allergy, more a ???], because evidently the first time barfing wasn’t enough for me to realized, hmm . . . maybe this is not such a good idea, let’s see if you ALWAYS barf when eating a banana. Yes. Yes, you do.
20. shriek house | March 31st, 2010 at 12:06 pm
Oh my god, thank you THANK YOU for this post. I shall be cackling to myself the rest of the day. Moms fall! TRUE FUCKING DAT.
21. Leah | March 31st, 2010 at 12:58 pm
Oh LORD.
22. Leigh | March 31st, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Dying over here. This reminds me of that post you wrote years ago about covering something for your job that had you swimming and trying to hold your camera aloft…Nice to see the old Jonniker. Competence is not nearly as much fun.
23. Kader | March 31st, 2010 at 1:34 pm
I just awakened myself from a (way too short) nap with the words MOMSFALL MOMSFALL racing through my head.
Dude. That is hilarious. Plus, you totally brought it on yourself, as you correctly pointed out.
Do. Not. Tempt. The. Universe. Again. (But I am glad that the universe has such a sense of humor.)
24. Christine | March 31st, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Aww, you’re my favorite. I must have told you that before, but you are.
I mean really, I’m sure that in India or Thailand, or heck even Mexico, children get a taste every now and then of something spicy. Now you know. Try again in a year or two.
“Moms Fall.” Ha.
25. craftyashley | March 31st, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Hey! I wear sunglasses indoors and at night! But they are always on my head- like a headband that serves an actual purpose! I have them at the ready 24/7. I’m not saying I actually WEAR them at night or indoors for that matter, just keep them up there, they also keep the hair out of my face. Win/Win.
26. Kristabella | March 31st, 2010 at 2:18 pm
MOMS FALL! MOMS FALL!
I know I shouldn’t laugh, but that is too funny!
27. AmyDoubleYou | March 31st, 2010 at 5:21 pm
I have absolutely nothing insightful to add except that this was goddamn hilarious.
28. Jen | March 31st, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Jonna, holy crap woman you are hilarious. MOMS FALL!! OMG I’m DYING.
Also, I gave Avery some taco pie tonight. Minus the jalapenos. This must mean that I have it all together then, right? NOT SO MUCH.
29. Shin Ae | March 31st, 2010 at 9:09 pm
I am laughing so hard. “AHHH MOMS FALL”
30. samantha Jo Campen | April 1st, 2010 at 12:01 am
There is just so much here that I love I don’t know where to start.
I’m not even sorry for one single second that you fell down because we obviously know you’re okay and it brought us the “MOMS FALL! MOMS FALL!” catchphrase of 2010.
31. SwingCheese | April 1st, 2010 at 10:20 am
OK, about the sunglasses, I agree with DeeDee – my sunglasses are prescription, and on the occasions when I forget my other glasses, I am constantly explaining “They’re prescription, I can’t see without them”. And about the spice….
last night was my birthday. And I wanted Indian food. So we got some sag paneer for boyo, as it is usually not spicy. But last night, it was! And he was hungry! So he took, like, three huge mouthfuls before his face turned red, he opened his mouth as big as he could, and commenced to howling! And still we didn’t realize that he was in pain at first.
Me: “Do you think he’s tired?”
Spouse: “I think it’s just general pissiness.”
2 minutes later.
Me:” I think maybe it was too spicy for him. I’m going to get him some milk.”
At which point boyo absolutely chugged, like, 6 ounces of milk at once. Then casually sipped on another 4 ounces.
I felt HORRIBLE! Mom-fail, right here. But I’m glad to know that I wasn’t alone.
32. Sam | April 3rd, 2010 at 6:51 pm
My husband gave Egg something spicy while we were at a restaurant and his face turned bright red. We both thought “Drink milk!!” but the only milk available was…mine. I don’t nurse Egg in public much anymore because he is easily distractable and this combined with overactive letdown equals me soaking half the place. But I did, and it seemed to help. There was more to this story, I swear. Oh yes, I was wearing a baggy sweatshirt and no bra.*ahem* A bit messy it was indeed. Luckily we were in a fast food type place.
33. Amanda | May 16th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Okay, I just read this and I am, no shit, IN TEARS laughing at the MOMS FALL section of this post. Holy jeeze, I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard.
I love (love, love, love) your writing style. Your voice is just awesome. I started reading you when I was pregnant with my son, but have never commented on how much I enjoy what you write. I enjoy it so much, for reals, it almost made me pee. (DUDE! After the baby, with the hard laughing comes DANGER. I always thought people were exaggerating but NO. No exaggerating.)
What a great way to start the day! Near-unconsciousness and incontinence, and crying! (For real. If I’d passed out, I would have woken up in a puddle of my own urine and tears.)
Still laughing, by the way. Oh yes I am.
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