You Know I’m No Good

So, can we get back to talking about important things? Like my toilet seat for example. (What?) Toilet seats, by and large, are something people give very little thought to, unless they’re terribly offensive like, say, those shag ones that are nothing but pee molecule magnets. Or the cushy plastic ones designed for “comfort” that do nothing but leave a ring around your ass, because the plastic seam is sharper than a razor blade. Those, too, seem to attract pee spots like nobody’s business, and I get SO SKEEVED sitting on them. Toilet seats shouldn’t have texture! They should not be soft! They should be solid and hard, yet well constructed — not so comfortable as an easy chair, but not medieval torture devices, you know what I’m saying?

This is the toilet seat that we had. It was nice, that toilet seat. Very utilitarian, yet comfortable. Hard, but with just the right amount of curves. I didn’t know how much I loved that toilet seat until yesterday, when the seat cracked.

Um, what? Yes, the seat cracked. Now look, Adam and I are not obese people. We’re rather slender, in the grand scheme of things, really, with neither one of us topping anywhere near 200 pounds, even, so … why, toilet seat, why? Further, this would have been no big deal, as it’s just a crack, right? A crack!

But oh, you guys, yesterday I went to the bathroom, and right when I sat down, the crack … broke open to a full rift, and expanded (that was a nice feeling, as you can imagine. I could practically hear the “FOOM BABA FOOM BABA!” from Lardass’s famous scene in Stand By Me). And then contracted. With my backside in it. I was effing TRAPPED in the toilet seat, no kidding. If I pulled, I would leave behind skin. SKIN! And yet there was no way to extricate myself without … well, I don’t even KNOW, you guys, except to say that I finally did pull, and it was NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL. The aftermath involved skin! And a not-insignificant amount of BACKSIDE bloodshed! And … you know, being trapped to a toilet seat that I just BROKE.

Awesome, yes? Awesome.

Next up: that stellar moment in the master bathroom when I didn’t realize my Venus razor was still on the edge of the tub until I looked down and saw Sam chewing on it. The end with the triple blades on it. I mean, for fuck’s sake, I was RIGHT THERE and then I just started SCREAMING and then tried to gently pry it from her lips without causing any damage (success!), but unfortunately, the SCREAMING scared the shit out of her, so I had a kid in utter disarray anyway. (I always make sure it’s out of reach. Always. Except for the day she was dorking around in the master bathroom, which she’s NEVER IN and … oh God. First jalapenos, and now this.)

Also, you know what is not awesome? A new toilet seat — the nice, awesome toilet seat that we had — is $120. For something you sit on to PEE and POOP.

I … what?

($120. I’ve paid less than that to repair my entire air conditioning system, for chrissake.)

Anyway! A few quick takes:

- Keurig owners, if you’re looking for ridiculously awesome flavored coffee that isn’t weak and doesn’t taste like pony piss, look no further than Green Mountain’s Chocolate Glazed Donut-Donut Shop coffee. It tastes JUST LIKE a chocolate-glazed donut and … oh DELICIOUS.

- I have a terrible no-good self-centered habit of thinking that the moment I discover something is the moment that thing comes into existence. See: hummus, circa 1995, when I had it for the first time. I was all but shrieking “HAVE YOU GUYS TRIED THIS NEW THING CALLED HUMMUS?” upon returning home during college. Ah, sheltered life, you did not serve me well in some areas.

Anyway, today’s latest hummus is a product that I remember USING a a child, and yet I feel somehow that this is my personal discovery and I’m all, LOOK AT ME! THIS IS AMAZING SHIT, HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF THIS? Johnson’s No More Tangles detangling spray, y’all! Do you know that I was actually CONDITIONING my daughter’s hair with ADULT conditioner, because I couldn’t figure out how to get the tangles out of her insanely kinky curls? Um, ding dong, HELLO.

- This reminds me of my friend Shawn who feels somehow that he personally discovered Nirvana back in the early days. To hear him tell it, he was William Miller to Nirvana’s Stillwater. But that’s not my point! No, my point is that he recently got engaged (holla!), and people, this is a miracle. This is a man who never asked a girl out on a second date because she dared order — and eat! — a bacon cheeseburger during their first dinner together. The bacon cheeseburger of doom.

Happy Wednesday! We have, uh, an exciting day of immunizations planned. OMG.

*Amy Winehouse

37 comments April 6th, 2010