You Know I’m No Good
April 6th, 2010
So, can we get back to talking about important things? Like my toilet seat for example. (What?) Toilet seats, by and large, are something people give very little thought to, unless they’re terribly offensive like, say, those shag ones that are nothing but pee molecule magnets. Or the cushy plastic ones designed for “comfort” that do nothing but leave a ring around your ass, because the plastic seam is sharper than a razor blade. Those, too, seem to attract pee spots like nobody’s business, and I get SO SKEEVED sitting on them. Toilet seats shouldn’t have texture! They should not be soft! They should be solid and hard, yet well constructed — not so comfortable as an easy chair, but not medieval torture devices, you know what I’m saying?
This is the toilet seat that we had. It was nice, that toilet seat. Very utilitarian, yet comfortable. Hard, but with just the right amount of curves. I didn’t know how much I loved that toilet seat until yesterday, when the seat cracked.
Um, what? Yes, the seat cracked. Now look, Adam and I are not obese people. We’re rather slender, in the grand scheme of things, really, with neither one of us topping anywhere near 200 pounds, even, so … why, toilet seat, why? Further, this would have been no big deal, as it’s just a crack, right? A crack!
But oh, you guys, yesterday I went to the bathroom, and right when I sat down, the crack … broke open to a full rift, and expanded (that was a nice feeling, as you can imagine. I could practically hear the “FOOM BABA FOOM BABA!” from Lardass’s famous scene in Stand By Me). And then contracted. With my backside in it. I was effing TRAPPED in the toilet seat, no kidding. If I pulled, I would leave behind skin. SKIN! And yet there was no way to extricate myself without … well, I don’t even KNOW, you guys, except to say that I finally did pull, and it was NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL. The aftermath involved skin! And a not-insignificant amount of BACKSIDE bloodshed! And … you know, being trapped to a toilet seat that I just BROKE.
Awesome, yes? Awesome.
Next up: that stellar moment in the master bathroom when I didn’t realize my Venus razor was still on the edge of the tub until I looked down and saw Sam chewing on it. The end with the triple blades on it. I mean, for fuck’s sake, I was RIGHT THERE and then I just started SCREAMING and then tried to gently pry it from her lips without causing any damage (success!), but unfortunately, the SCREAMING scared the shit out of her, so I had a kid in utter disarray anyway. (I always make sure it’s out of reach. Always. Except for the day she was dorking around in the master bathroom, which she’s NEVER IN and … oh God. First jalapenos, and now this.)
Also, you know what is not awesome? A new toilet seat — the nice, awesome toilet seat that we had — is $120. For something you sit on to PEE and POOP.
I … what?
($120. I’ve paid less than that to repair my entire air conditioning system, for chrissake.)
Anyway! A few quick takes:
- Keurig owners, if you’re looking for ridiculously awesome flavored coffee that isn’t weak and doesn’t taste like pony piss, look no further than Green Mountain’s Chocolate Glazed Donut-Donut Shop coffee. It tastes JUST LIKE a chocolate-glazed donut and … oh DELICIOUS.
- I have a terrible no-good self-centered habit of thinking that the moment I discover something is the moment that thing comes into existence. See: hummus, circa 1995, when I had it for the first time. I was all but shrieking “HAVE YOU GUYS TRIED THIS NEW THING CALLED HUMMUS?” upon returning home during college. Ah, sheltered life, you did not serve me well in some areas.
Anyway, today’s latest hummus is a product that I remember USING a a child, and yet I feel somehow that this is my personal discovery and I’m all, LOOK AT ME! THIS IS AMAZING SHIT, HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF THIS? Johnson’s No More Tangles detangling spray, y’all! Do you know that I was actually CONDITIONING my daughter’s hair with ADULT conditioner, because I couldn’t figure out how to get the tangles out of her insanely kinky curls? Um, ding dong, HELLO.
- This reminds me of my friend Shawn who feels somehow that he personally discovered Nirvana back in the early days. To hear him tell it, he was William Miller to Nirvana’s Stillwater. But that’s not my point! No, my point is that he recently got engaged (holla!), and people, this is a miracle. This is a man who never asked a girl out on a second date because she dared order — and eat! — a bacon cheeseburger during their first dinner together. The bacon cheeseburger of doom.
Happy Wednesday! We have, uh, an exciting day of immunizations planned. OMG.
*Amy Winehouse
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery,What the fuck?
37 Comments Add your own
1. Jess | April 6th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
OMG your bathroom is a MINEFIELD. I am STILL CRINGING about that toilet seat thing. Ouch!
2. Amy Mayfield | April 6th, 2010 at 9:11 pm
I’m with ya. I am very particular about my toilet seats. I can’t use black ones on public restrooms because all I can think is if they chose a black toilet seat, what in the WORLD are they trying to hide?
3. Marie Green | April 6th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
Your bumper, caught in a toilet seat! YEOCH!
I also think I “discovered” something the moment I discover it… as you said, like it never existed before. Edamame, for example.
4. Danell | April 6th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
My parents had ALL MANNER of those crazy toilet seats growing up…those stupid PADDED ones were the worst! They also had wooden ones…not so good either. (uh, splinters!)
We definitely think toilet comfort and function is important ’round here. Have I mentioned that I got my husband a new toilet for his birthday? Apparently, some guys find the shape as well as the SIZE of a toilet seat to be important.
Sorry ’bout your heiney. Ouch.
How much does Sam weigh now?
5. samantha Jo Campen | April 6th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
I have broken two toilet seats. WOODEN toilet seats. Cracked those bithces right in half and dude, that was back in HIGH SCHOOL when I weighed a buck ten.
My mom said it was probably because the toilet seats were by the window and with the heat/cold air blah blah blah she didn’t fool me. She was laughing on the inside I just know it.
But uh, I never got trapped. Or bled. So, you know. . . .*cough*
6. NGS | April 6th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
I feel like I just discovered Groupon. Only everyone else in the entire world had already heard of it. So, yeah. I feel you.
7. NGS | April 6th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
And, the google ads to the right of your post about toilet seats right now are completely cracking me up. Go google!!
8. shriek house | April 6th, 2010 at 10:03 pm
The Great Toilet Trap of Two-aught-Ten… wow. Your power is awesome to behold. I’m thinking you’ve tied yourself for 1st place with the beltloop/doorknob escapade.
Once in a public restroom I sat down, unawares that the seat was not at all connected to the can, and slid entirely off – seat and all – right onto the floor. My friend blamed it on my “angle of descent”. Whatevs. Farking potties.
9. Robin | April 6th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
I’ve have the cracked toilet seat pinch my ass too! Hurts! Also..nice Almost Famous reference. <3
10. Suebob | April 6th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
OMG that toilet seat story is a nightmare. Totally something that would happen to me.
The squishy toilet seats? HORROR. Why do they exist?
Razor in child’s mouth? You are going to end up on one of those nasty websites where they talk about what a bad mom you are. If they think Melissa Summers is bad for not being enthusiastic enough about motherhood, I can’t wait to see what they do with triple-bladed razors.
What the hell was wrong with ordering a bacon cheeseburger? I kind of want to punch him, just on principle.
11. Anyabeth | April 6th, 2010 at 11:07 pm
You know what is awesome? Using the Johnson and Johnson’s cream conditioner that you rinse out and then follow it up with the spray. Can you tell that my daughter has impossible curls too?
12. Michelle | April 6th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
Where the hell does someone besides Trump find a toilet seat that expensive. And if I’m paying $120 for a toilet seat and that thing cracks causing my butt to bleed, I have to say…. I’m going to be more pissed than normal.
13. ABDPBT | April 6th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
Dude, I’ve been using No More Tangles, pretty much continuously, since childhood. Love that stuff. Impossible to comb my hair without it.
But, ummm, $120 for a toilet seat? Really? Wow. I hope you did some major disinfection on those butt injuries. I’m shuddering just thinking about it.
14. -R- | April 6th, 2010 at 11:25 pm
I guess the bright side is that it was your own toilet seat…
I can totally imagine the razor thing, and it is totally freaking me out. Oh God. Seriously. I am traumatized, and I wasn’t even there. Baby-toddlers have a magic ability to find the most dangerous thing in a room.
I’m with Suebob. I kind of want to punch the bacon cheeseburger guy.
15. Cheryl | April 7th, 2010 at 6:34 am
Did anyone else here spew beverage all over their freakin’ computer? When my husband asked why I was laughing so hard, I could only get out a few words at a time. “Toilet seat. Crack. Ass. Stuck. Blood. Baby. Razor blades.” At which point I thought he was going to divorce me on the spot.
Oh, and I thought I was on the forefront of blogging. Um, just started in mid aught-9!
16. Julienne | April 7th, 2010 at 6:42 am
I just have to comment when there is an Almost Famous reference!
I cannot fathom that a toilet seat is that expensive! That is INSANE!
17. twojams (Shannon) | April 7th, 2010 at 6:55 am
I’m the Nth to comment on the Almost Famous reference, but – love.
And now I know… all those stories about the Pentagon’s spending ridiculous amounts of money for a toilet seat were TRUE.
18. Christine | April 7th, 2010 at 8:06 am
Oh dude, your poor rear end. So uncool. I am with you on being skeeved by the squishy toilet seats. Squick.
For $120 there should be a lifetime warranty on that toilet seat, I suggest you contact the company stat. Indicate that it was new as of your lease. Ridiculous.
Also the fact that your friend didn’t go on a second date because the girl ordered and ate a hamburger is maybe the saddest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Who knows who many second dates I chased away? Possibly so many.
19. Life of a Doctor's Wife | April 7th, 2010 at 8:57 am
That toilet seat incident sounds horrific! Who knew how easy it was to turn a bathroom into a torture chamber?
Also – $120?!?! Holy moly.
20. Nimble | April 7th, 2010 at 9:13 am
The toilet seats I’ve bought at WalMart or the hardware store haven’t cost $120. Of course they don’t last forever either. So that’s the lesson, toilet seats are not permanent (as we would like them to be once we have found a compatible one) but are a consumable item.
21. Easy Chair Millionaire. |&hellip | April 7th, 2010 at 9:20 am
[...] You Know I’m No Good | Jonniker. [...]
22. claire | April 7th, 2010 at 10:27 am
I’ve purchased two toilet seats at Target. Nice wooden ones with some kind of anti-bacterial paint or whatever for something like $40. Both of them broke and did the butt-pinch thing. Not cool! We replaced the nicer wooden ones with a cheapo plastic one and so far, so good… I’m thinking Target is not where you buy toilet seats, first of all, and maybe wood shouldn’t be put on a toilet.
When i was a kid, my grandma had one of those cushioned ones and I thought that was the coolest thing. Except for the razor-sharp seam. You’re so right.
23. Miss Grace | April 7th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
I have broken a toilet seat before. It’s not good for the self esteem.
24. Heather | April 7th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
My 2 year old has crazy-ass curls too. I use Suave conditioner for kids (the lime green one). It smells awesome AND produces no tears from said two year old. Try it, you can find it at hell on earth…WalMart!
25. cindy w | April 7th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Oh god, I’m sorry because I know it was no fun, but “FOOM BABA FOOM BABA!” made me cry-laugh. Again, I am so sorry for your poor little tushie. But… god, I cannot stop giggling.
26. H | April 7th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
I hate the wobbly toilet seats too. I don’t know how they can be wobbly (poor design? did we install it wrong?) but we’ve struggled with a few of those and they drive me nuts!
I also sometimes believe I have just discovered something new, and it is not new at all. I attribute it to my hatred of shopping, because how else do you become aware of these fancy new things?
27. Shin Ae | April 7th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
You had better believe I will be checking my toilet seat oh-so-carefully from now on. Mercy, me. Yes, there will be some very scientific testing before I sit down.
I’ve always been (notoriously) careless with my razor. The kids got hold of it once and I got all screechy. They haven’t touched one since.
28. Heather | April 7th, 2010 at 11:03 pm
No joke, three days ago my 16 month old got ahold of my razor while we were staying with my parents (the only reason it was in her reach) and she didn’t make a peep as she sliced open her thumb and I lost my shit. Apparently blood does not freak babies out even when it just won’t STOP bleeding! It was a minor wound and she was fine but there is nothing worse than feeling like you put your child in harm’s way, however inadvertently it may have been. At least now I feel that my own dumbassery may just be a part of parenting.
29. Shana | April 7th, 2010 at 11:35 pm
Dude. How THE FRICK did you end up with a $120 toilet seat?
I broke one awhile back, and didn’t have a trip planned to a store that sold replacements, so I taped it so it didn’t pinch mah bum. With duct tape. Bright red duct tape. That the ex came over, saw, and gave me a boatload of shit about. Did my butt get pinched? Eh? What is duct tape for, if not this? I ASK YOU.
Concur re: sharp-as-heck plastic seams. And they deflate when you sit on ‘em, which is just unnatural. Like a whoopee cushion/seat combo.
30. Shana | April 7th, 2010 at 11:59 pm
Oh, and this super-curly girl recommends the no-poo routine, of course. No more tangles, indeed!
31. Li | April 8th, 2010 at 9:59 am
No More Tangles — I also used this as a child, and completely forgot it existed. Heading to CVS right now as I am sure that E is totally sick of me working those curly tangles out with her little baby comb. Someday, I will tell her to thank you personally for reminding me of it’s existence.
32. Kristabella | April 8th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
OMG, I totally did that to a toilet seat once. I cracked it! And I was living with a new roomie and nothing like being all “um, hi stranger! You can’t use the toilet because I um, broke the seat. So please wait to do your business until after I return from Target.”
33. Do you like to sit on col&hellip | April 8th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
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34. Different Styles Toilet S&hellip | April 9th, 2010 at 12:47 am
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35. mar | April 10th, 2010 at 10:48 am
nice foreshadowing. i totally saw the pinched ass in toilet seat coming, but i kept reading hoping the outcome would be different. and then cringed about the germs.
when my parents visited our new house 2 weeks ago, they picked up new toilet seats for us (only installed one in the main bathroom). apparently my younger brother, who is on his 3rd house, replaces the toilet seat/lid first thing when he moves in. my comment was “why?” but if they’d been those gross squishy ones or a wood one i probably would’ve too. pretty certain that the ones the folks bought (whisper quiet closing, but the opening seems so small), were about $25 a pop at menard’s. do you have such a thing as menard’s up north; i mean, i know you’re bereft of target, so who knows.
36. Reagan | April 10th, 2010 at 10:26 pm
Oh yes! Except I think it was called “No More Tears” detangling stuff back then!
37. Amy | April 18th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
[...] You Know I’m No Good | Jonniker. [...]
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