Future Reflections

April 18th, 2010

Last week was awesome! Yes, awesome. Just awesome. We were in Boston from Sunday to Tuesday, I think? I don’t even know. What I DO know is that I shall never — and folks, I mean NEVER — sleep in the same room as my beloved child again. She did not sleep. Oh, you think I’m exaggerating! Oh ho ho HO! Ask Adam, who had a breakfast meeting on Monday morning and did not get a second of sleep the evening prior! No, really, not one second, as he suffers from insomnia and was awake still when she woke up for the day! She was mysteriously awake awake AWAKE! from 1-3 a.m., rising for the day no later than (NO LATER THAN) 4:45 a.m. It was a horror show. I cried more than she did, of that I am sure.

And yet. We’re moving there for real this time. Longtime readers may remember that five years ago (OMFG five), we left Boston for Florida, then Vermont and now … well, now, we go home, I guess. For good. For good! We’re done moving around, done tripping around the country to see where the next job takes us, and it’s just … well, it’s weird, to me, I don’t know why. On the one hand, I’m excited, because our families are there. Friends! Friends I’ve had for multiple decades! Hell, Megan is there! TwoBusy is there! Many of you are there!

Emotionally, though, I’m having a hard time with it. In part — well, majority — it’s that I love it here. Oh sure, I moved here knowing it was but a temporary stop, but I really did grow to love it here. Sam was born here. I won’t get to have her sibling at the same hospital. Hell, Sam’s sibling will be born in a different state. My friends! Oh, my friends. I love them so, and leaving them kills me.

And, as I’ve mentioned, when I left there, I was a very different person and to be honest, I’m afraid of turning back into her. I was stressed all the time — and I mean, all the time, from I’m not even sure what. I worked constantly, and had this irrational fear that if I quit and/or lost my job, or fell even one tiny rung on the ladder of my not-so-illustrious career, the world would come crashing down and my life would be ruined. Oh, you think I’m exaggerating, but oh, I am not. I suppose it was infinitely more complicated than that — no, I know it is — but that’s how it manifested itself. By the time we arrived in Florida, I was a twitchy mess in need of a spa treatment and some intensive therapy (which I got — well, the therapy, anyway).

(Side note: this, in part, but my no means all, is why I freelance and stay home with Sam. I am much better suited to a flexible work arrangement that allows me to focus on my family and we are lucky that we can do it. I know, I know, it sounds like a cop out, and believe me, I know how lucky I am — I do. But you must trust me: my anxiety was something to behold, and though I am greatly improved, I don’t think I’m cured enough to go back to it while my kid(s) are small. At least not in the Boston area, where the whole thing began. It was like, disability-level crippling and I … I’m embarrassed writing this, because it sounds so inane and full of shit, but dudes, I went to therapy and medication to deal with it, and again, SUPAH COMPLEX.)

And that’s a pile of shit that has me in some kind of strange PTSD purgatory that I have to work through while mourning the loss of a life that I built here, and look forward to a building a bright future back home.

In short, on top of the logistics of potentially finding a place to live, packing up our entire house and moving to a new place, did I mention this is all happening IN TWO WEEKS? Oh, didn’t I? Sorry about that.

It’s happening in two weeks.

Bottom line: I am having a hard time. A very hard time. Emotionally, stress-wise and every way imaginable.

I am having a hard time.

In other piles of shit (wow, this is joyful, isn’t it?), there is finding a place to live in a metro area where houses and apartments disappear before the listing has been active for more than an hour, and ergo, we may find ourselves in some kind of extended stay hotel arrangement for a month before we find a permanent place and doesn’t THAT sound like a spectacular situation for a learning-to-walk toddler? And ho ho HO! We return sometime this week to look for housing while simultaneously finding out if that situation will work out! I’m sorry MetroWest. I am well and truly sorry about the late-night screaming my child is about to release upon you like the tentacles of the kraken.

I missed you guys last week. I hope to see you more this week.

Happy Monday!


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Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Boston!,General jackassery,The anxious anxiety,The Floridian Nightmare,Vermont

47 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amy K  |  April 18th, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Eek, moving with a toddler sounds stressful! Hopefully when you guys get there a family member can entertain Sam for a day while you and Adam get to sleep for 24 hours straight. Does this mean she’s going to have a cute little baby Boston accent?

  • 2. Catherine  |  April 18th, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    If you have to do the hotel thing again: I know this sounds ghetto (and maybe someone has already suggested this, or maybe you’ve tried it already), but if Sam sleeps in a pack ‘n play, you might be able to fit her into a hotel-room bathroom. Voila! Instant baby bedroom. (You have to hold it all night, or pee the hotel lobby, or whatever, but still, fewer sleep issues.)

    My husband is a super-noisy sleeper, and will wake up our toddler (now 17.5 mos) if there’s not a wall separating them, and this trick has worked wonders for us. (Obv, this is just a short-term trick, and wouldn’t work for an extended stay, but still.)

    Good luck with the continued house-hunting!

  • 3. Sadie  |  April 18th, 2010 at 8:42 pm


  • 4. samantha Jo Campen  |  April 18th, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    I hate change. I totally understand. We’ve questioned looking out of state for work and the thought makes me want to vomit. And yet, WORK. MONEY. I GET IT. But like you, I LOVE where we live. LOVE. And when it comes to big huge changes like that, I become a puddle.

    And if you recall I had quite the housing horror show from august thru november so I understand. We had to pack a 1200 SF two bedroom apartment and move in 24 hours. With a toddler and a cat. I look back now and honestly can’t believe that that happened to us and that I survived.

    Xanax my friend and up your doseage of The Other Pill. Band aids aren’t the solution but they help get you through.

    You know I’d be there to help if I could. You KNOW this. I’d pack or watch Sam or rub your feet or pour you drinks.

    Hugs to you. xoxoxo

  • 5. Kalisa  |  April 18th, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    When Elijah was that age I traveled with him for a week (without my husband) and prior to the travel I was SO PROUD of the fact that my baby could put himself to sleep but the downside was, I learned on the trip, that he would ONLY sleep in his crib. I remember going through exactly what you did. He literally did not sleep all week. Luckily we were staying with friends so I was allowed to be a complete wreck.

    Anyway, good luck with all the changes. I feel your pain. I really do.

  • 6. Dr. Maureen  |  April 18th, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    Yay! Congratulations! Boston is teh awesome, obviously. And hey, HOW West are we talking?

    Good luck with the move. I have early anxiety over our own move, and we are not planning to move for years. And years and years, probably, thanks to the housing bubble.

  • 7. Danell  |  April 18th, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    You can do it! Last year we moved back home from New York, where I thought I would Hate It…but I had grown to love it before we left. I got my first (and best) vet job there and had both my kids there, and then we got to move back home. And I was so sad and stressed. We moved with a three year old and a three month old! When we still didn’t have a house! So we lived in our friends’ attic for a month! Oh, it was so so stressful. But we were home and I was supposed to be THRILLED. It’s been ten months and I’m finally pretty thrilled. It IS nice to be home…you’ll see. =)

  • 8. Jamie  |  April 18th, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    You can do this! Yes YOU, oh claimer of anxiety and stress. You are a mighty beast and you will make this move your bitch. So sayeth ME.

  • 9. Jess  |  April 18th, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    Oh, I know this part is stressful but I’m so glad for you guys that the decision is made and it is a permanent-sounding decision and now you can go and set up a life there, you know? Once the short-term stresses are gone (and hopefully they WILL go, shortly), it will be so great for your whole family. So thrilled for you!

  • 10. Megan  |  April 18th, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    Eeee, you mentioned me! Woo! I can NOT WAIT to plan many playdates…and moms-only playdates too!

    I totally can relate to the change thing. Hell, we moved 30 miles, and I was all “omg, I hate this place” for a few months. I can’t imagine moving to a new state. (And TOTALLY relate to the moving “back” thing–even when I visit where I grew up, I feel like I turn back into 15 year old me, and it’s so bizarre.)

    Anyway. I’m around all week, and if you need anything at all, you know where to find me. I can help w/ watching Sam for a bit if you need to househunt without multiple trips in and out of the carseat or skipping naps. (And if you need a realtor, my sister’s is totally not lame–she ran into the same probs when they bought out here.)

  • 11. Mimi  |  April 18th, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    I’m sorry for the part about you having a hard time. You can get through it, yes you can! =)

  • 12. Jennie  |  April 18th, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    I’m always always always here if you want to email/call/what have you. I miss you too, for what it’s worth.

  • 13. Marie Green  |  April 18th, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    Holy fucking shit! TWO WEEKS! I guess I saw something about that you were moving before Adreeanna, but I guess I didn’t do the math… because TWO WEEKS!

    (Though now that I’m thinking about her situation, I’m thinking that while very stressful, maybe moving that fast is easier in some ways. Like ripping the bandaid off. Going full balls ahead. Etc.)

    In any case, you have every reason to be stressed to the max. Doing all this with a kid, a wants-to-be-walking toddler at that… Well, I’m just impressed that you were able to… TYPE even.

    Hang in there. Swim hard. See ya when you’re settled in Boston! (And probably before too. Thanks to Twitter etc.)

  • 14. Artemisia  |  April 18th, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Oh, I can only imagine the complex emotions going on here. Just know that you have grown into a changed person, and a person who can handle this.

    In the meantime, dude, you are going to have some killer parenting war stories. Good luck finding a place. Thinking of you!

  • 15. ABDPBT  |  April 18th, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    Yeah, the first rule of traveling with a baby or a toddler (or, probably, any age kid) is to get a suite. IMPOSSIBLE to sleep otherwise. I suppose the cosleeping gang will argue with that, but that’s been my experience.

    Well, I guess it’s good you’re going to be staying put, being around family. I will spare you my thoughts on Boston — just kidding! It’s NBA Playoffs so I had to sneak in a swipe at the Celtics fan there. Hopefully your new working arrangement will help with the stress that you had, though I think living in a city always ups the stress level a bit. On the flip side, things also get more interesting.

  • 16. -R-  |  April 18th, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    I don’t have the same career stress issues, but I know people who do. I can imagine how being away from the place where you felt that stressed and then moving back would make you feel unsettled, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

    Good luck with the apartment hunting! I have heard how crazy it is there!

    PS My kid and I can’t sleep in the same room either.

  • 17. -R-  |  April 18th, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    PS Congrats to Adam on the job!

  • 18. Lara  |  April 18th, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    I don’t think I knew you were originally from Boston, but if you have a Boston accent I love you even more because it’s my favourite accent ever. I really have no idea why.

    Good luck with the move, it will be stressful for sure, but soon you’ll be HOME again.

  • 19. HollyLynne  |  April 18th, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    Wow . . . sounds totally stressful but TOTALLY exciting too! Good luck with everything!

  • 20. Carla Hinkle  |  April 19th, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Wow. I can see why you are stressed. Just … wow. At least it will all be over soon? (Frantic attempt to see silver lining somewhere.)

    But hey, I LOVE the pack n plan in the bathroom thing. I NEVER thought of doing that. BRILLIANT.

  • 21. Chery;  |  April 19th, 2010 at 4:03 am

    Hey Cutie. Congratulations to Adam on the job! So glad your job is the portable kind. Metro-West has some wonderful towns that have that northern NE feel to them but you know that already. One thing I’ve learned from hanging out here for awhile is that you’ve got what it takes to make this leap.

  • 22. Kader  |  April 19th, 2010 at 5:48 am

    I’m having trouble getting out of my own selfish, sad thoughts to offer you support. I can’t believe you’ll be gone in 2 weeks.

    That being said, I know that you’ll be fine. I really do. I don’t think there’s even the slightest chance that you’ll revert to your old self/old life. You are just a different person with different priorities now. That’s not about location.

    And, hey, we’re in Mass. all the time, so I’ll just see you there. M’kay?

  • 23. TwoBusy  |  April 19th, 2010 at 6:56 am

    a) You’re going to be fine. You’re going to be fine. This – all of this – is going to be fine. You know it; I know it; the American people know it.

    b) I think you meant to say “Sam’s siblings” — because, you know, that’s the proper way to describe twins. BWAHAHAHAHA

    c) Am I allowed to say that, despite your many (TEMPORARY) stresses, I’m excited you’re coming?

    d) Vermont isn’t too far away for visits. I’m pretty sure that’s not going to change anytime soon, either.

    e) Deep breath: this. is. going. to. be. okay.

  • 24. Kristin H  |  April 19th, 2010 at 7:17 am

    I moved back to my hometown, after 10 years of living in other states. I did not have the stress that you do about changing back into the person I was, but it was weird in a layered-life kind of way. I constantly had images of the past in front of me, while living my life as it is now. It’s hard to explain, but eventually the past receded and the now took over, and it all seems very normal today.

    I ended up moving back into the neighborhood I grew up in — how weird is that? I still, to this day, can’t walk by a certain house without thinking “That’s where I lost my virginity!” Weird.

  • 25. H  |  April 19th, 2010 at 7:31 am

    Stress and anxiety are huge issues for me as well. Good luck with everything! It will go fine, it will!

  • 26. Violet  |  April 19th, 2010 at 7:33 am

    I’m sorry you’re so stressed! It will be an awful move, but try not to worry so much about your previous job stress. You have the benefit (I know, it’s hard to see it that way) of being completely buried in dealing with Sam and the housing search. Focus on that, and by the time you’re settled and back in the swing with your friends, you’ll probably find that the stress over your job isn’t what you worried it would be. Good luck with everything!!

  • 27. Christine  |  April 19th, 2010 at 8:37 am

    I totally get crippling stress, as I’m basically living it now. Holy cow, and can imagine that going back to the place where you lived it could cause some post traumatic type feelings.

    Fingers crossed for as easy a move as possible, and for a great apartment that you get for a steal and quickly.

  • 28. Penny  |  April 19th, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Hugs and sympathies from me. On the housing front, see if you can find a realtor (or just check random ads) for a carriage house rental. Owners tend to be flexible and can go month-to-month, although I guess I don’t know how popular carriage houses are in Boston.

    On the other stuff – some therapy might be nice. Just to bridge the transition of your new self into your old town. A psychologist, someone who you can talk out the anxieties with.

    Good luck with all of it!

  • 29. Jen  |  April 19th, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Well first off, congratulations to Adam on the job! The impending move in two weeks..well, that’s that for the crapper, isn’t it? In the long run though, I’m excited for you to be heading to where you consider home, where your families are! That will be so awesome for Sam and her future siblings!

    Boston is not too far from me either! Mere hours in the car and we were hoping to plan a trip there this summer! I want to meet you and Megan :)

    Hang in there, lady! Hope it all settles down quickly and you can hit the road one last time with all your gear, Sunny, and Sam! And then be HOME.

  • 30. Sarahviz  |  April 19th, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Am in MetroWest – would love to meet up w/ you! Please let me know if you need any help/advice/wine…

  • 31. Leigh  |  April 19th, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    I know Sam will be fine and I hope you will be fine very soon. I am sorry you are having a hard time and I totally understand.

    But you will not go back to being that person you were. you will not.

  • 32. Li  |  April 19th, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    As someone who worked with you for part of he stressful past you refer to, i can tell you that it IS possible to avoid that fate, and a great part of it was circumstancial and driven by people around you. I barely recognize myself and I’m still doing the same thing, in the same town, but on my terms. So fear not — you’ve grown well beyond that time. I promise. And you will always have Sam and Adam to give you perspective. (and me, of course, if you need it!)

    And on a selfish note, METROWEST???? HOORAY! I live where MetroWest meets Central Mass. and am here to help with moving mania, transition, whatever! Have you found an extended stay hotel that takes dogs. I know of one, if you need it. seriously. email me for phone numbers, address, and a hotline for help! :)

    And dig deep – you can TOTALLY do this!

  • 33. Jett  |  April 19th, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Ohhhh, honey. *patpatpat* I once did a cross-country move (Alaska to Tennessee) with an eighteen-month-old and a three-month old BY MYSELF. Though they were both good babies, there were a couple of hearty lose-your-mind moments in there.

    The move is the hard part. I have every faith that you are going to be fine when you get settled and find your rhythm. If not, call me up and I will serenade you with “Many Margaritas In May” –a song that even now I am composing for you– culminating in a singshout that will have you weeping.

    I cannot guarantee, however, whether or not they will be tears of hilarity. I can only do so much, Jonna, GAH.

  • 34. Blythe  |  April 20th, 2010 at 12:01 am

    I don’t think I have every felt more like I was losing my everloving mind as I did during the (mercifully few) times that I shared a small hotel room with my toddler. I came thisclose to sleeping in the bathroom, or possibly the hotel lobby.

    Moving is hard, even (especially?) when it’s back to the old homestead. The adjustment period is tough but it’s pretty great to hang out with your child in a city that you love, around people you love.

  • 35. Shin Ae  |  April 20th, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    I am wishing you happiness in your new home, whether it is a hotel room or something else. I wish you tons of it.

    I was never a career woman. I know extreme anxiety and stress, and I think that’s one reason I never was a career woman to begin with. I can’t claim to have felt what you did, because I don’t know if I have, but I remember the Jonna-in-Boston days, I’m pretty sure, and yeah, this strikes me as a much better time for you. I’m wishing you the ability to hold onto that. I have to agree with Jamie, though, you strike me as pretty darned mighty.

    All the very best and godspeed!

  • 36. Danielle  |  April 21st, 2010 at 8:06 am

    But think of the infinite Target and IKEA possibilities.

  • 37. page  |  April 21st, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Hang in there, Jonna! Congrats and hang in there. That is SUCH a quick move, but you can do it!

  • 38. page  |  April 21st, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Hang in there, Jonna! Congrats and hang in there. That is SUCH a quick move, but you can do it!

  • 39. monkey  |  April 21st, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Oh wow. I’m moving back to the Boston area in two weeks as well (from Los Angeles)! For 4 months before business school anyway. I’m from Lexington. I’m hoping for a permanent Boston move post-MBA but realistically, I’m betting I’ll only be able to get as close as New York (at least until I transition from banking into corporate finance). My sister and brother-in-law moved back last year and scooped up a place in Brookline (Coolidge Corner) down the street from an elementary school and middle school and now basically plan to live in that house forever and ever. I suspect by the time I get back to the area all the housing deals will be gone, though.

  • 40. agirlandaboy  |  April 21st, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Oh man, that just sucks on so many levels, I don’t even know what to say. Poor all of you, I guess is the best I can do. Good luck, godspeed, and all that, and may Boston welcome you with open arms and a dream housing situation so that the misery will last for two weeks TOPS (but hopefully less than that).

  • 41. Katy  |  April 22nd, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    I get the moving home stress thing completely. When I thought about moving home I was immediately plauged of worried that I would somehow morph back into the girl I used to be and that girl worried way too much about what other people thought.

    I’m happy to say that wasn’t the case. A lot changes in five years and I had nothing to worry about. I should have worried about living at my MIL’s with a newborn–THAT was stressful.

    Good luck! I know it’s a tough time.

  • 42. halloweenlover  |  April 23rd, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Moving is soooo stressful, I can totally sympathize. But you know, I feel like it sucks no matter what, so you might as well get it over and done with asap. Just push through and then be done and start moving on with your life.

    I live around that area too, and although I’m afraid of sounding creepy, I’d be happy to help out in any way you might need. Very excited for you! It will be great! We moved back to Boston after living away too and it was so nice to be near friends and family.

    I also had a similar work situation and ended up with something resembling ptsd and now I have nightmares when we talk about me going back to work. It is horrible and ridiculous and I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. Anyway, I understand.

    Good luck!

  • 43. Alex  |  April 24th, 2010 at 1:05 am

    I don’t think I’ve ever commented before, but I just wanted to chime in that I’ve been thinking of you and sending you good vibes. Two weeks is a fast turn-around.

  • 44. Susan (Trout Towers)  |  April 25th, 2010 at 6:39 am

    Having Sugarplum was the best thing that ever happened to my career. Made me switch gears, slow down and re-prioritize.

  • 45. SherrieHUFF21  |  June 19th, 2010 at 5:04 am

    I had got a dream to begin my own business, nevertheless I didn’t earn enough of cash to do it. Thank goodness my mate proposed to utilize the mortgage loans. So I used the auto loan and realized my dream.

  • 46. Jordan Shoes  |  February 20th, 2012 at 2:07 am

    The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.

  • 47. Chiropractor San Jose  |  June 7th, 2013 at 6:01 am

    I also had a similar work situation and ended up with something resembling ptsd and now I have nightmares when we talk about me going back to work. It is horrible and ridiculous and I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do. Anyway, I understand.

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