Get ‘Em Out By Friday

April 28th, 2010

First of all, it snowed several inches last night and this morning. Yesterday afternoon, I could handle, and it seemed almost quaint. How very Vermont, I thought. How … special, that just before we leave, it’s snowing! Just the kick in the ass we needed! See you later, Vermont! I love you!

Then, this morning, I woke up (at 5 a.m., thank you Sam, and also, what the hell? FIVE AM IS TOO EARLY) and it was an effing WINTER WONDERLAND out there. Sam’s little face was pressed against the window marveling at it. Tons and tons of heavy, wet snow — like, actual accumulation. Enough, if you can believe it, that schools were delayed and/or canceled all over and my friend Kate lost power (still doesn’t have it, in fact) and got more than a foot of snow.

A few days ago, I was wearing a T-shirt and capris. I mean, what IS this? I went to Syracuse, for chrissake! I know spring snow! It snowed the day before my college graduation! And yet six inches to a foot three days before May, really? REALLY, VERMONT?

I mean, come on, if you’re trying to push me out, this is the way to go. Fine, I’ll leave, if you’re going to be a cold, wet crankypants about it. FINE. Massachusetts is warmer, anyway, AND it’s a coastal state! Up yours, Vermont!

(I’m sorry, Vermont! I’m just kidding! I love yoooooooouuuu!)

So! In Mashed Potato Watch, in case you weren’t following along on Twitter, we had a plumber come. A plumber who was almost cocky in the beginning and found the whole thing mildly amusing when he squeezed our supposedly-tiny job in between several OTHER jobs and was all, this shouldn’t take but a moment folks! Oh, mashed potatoes! How adorable, he almost tittered.

An hour and a half and not one, but two different snakes later, he was singing a different tune. I heard him on the phone with his colleagues, “Well it ain’t working, because there’s a whole goddamn box of mashed potatoes down there.” Pause pause pause. “Yes, I TRIED that … No. No. I don’t think you heard me: A WHOLE BOX OF INSTANT MASHED POTATOES … Fine. Fine yes fine. I’ll get the bigger snake. This is ridiculous… FINE. Fine. I’m TRYING. FINE.”

And so on. For more than three hours, to the tune of $300. At one point Adam asked him to put it on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst. “Well, we just moved from 7 to 8,” was his reply. By hour three? He said we were at a NINE POINT FIVE. We were one half-point away from him having to bring in some kind of JET thing into the house — something he’d never had to use in a kitchen and, he explained, something we most definitely do not want.

“The pressure has to go somewhere, and if it doesn’t push out the clog, it usually ends up all over the walls and stuff. It just shoots everywhere, and we have to line the house with plastic. Like a giant fire hose of nasty plumbing stuff, you know?”

Oh boy, did I know. Or rather, I did not want to know. And when he left, it seemed I wouldn’t have to know, for things were moving freely.

But you know what? IT SEEMS I AM GOING TO HAVE TO KNOW. Because hours after he left, we cleaned up after dinner and VOILA! THE SINK DID NOT DRAIN. And then Adam got all excited, like HE is a plumber (“I watched what he did, and I can totally do it, Jonna”), and he put our snake down there, and a few hours (!) into it, he came over with a snake that smelled like … well, vomit, actually, and waved it in my face excitedly, “LOOK I GOT POTATOES! POTATOES ARE ON THIS THING! I GOT POTATOES!” And behold, yes, there were chunks of mashed potato at the end of the 30-foot snake he was noodling around with there, and … oh whatever.

It was to no avail. The plumber is coming back tomorrow, and people, I am never eating mashed potatoes again. Or any potato product. French fries, you’re dead to me.

(I’m also going to whisper that after the plumber left, Adam used the garbage disposal. “What’d you put in there?” I asked, tentatively. And it turned out, he’d put in some PORK LOIN down there, and now I’m like, FOR GOD’S SAKE, YOU ARE BANNED FROM THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, ADAM, PORK LOIN, ARE YOU SERIOUS OH MY GOD.)

***

The movers arrive Tuesday. Tuesday! Tentatively, that is. I mean, they’re coming tomorrow to do an estimate and … yeah. Our lease is signed, sealed, delivered, deposits made and now it’s all like, DUDE. We’re moving! How did this happen? I’m currently making the final plans with local friends (MEG WE NEED TO PICK A TIME), and I’ve got big girl evening plans at a big girl place with big girl drinks with my friend Kate, and what kills me is that it will be the first and likely last time we do this, and what took us so long? BAH.

The house is packed, mostly (see also: silverware, no coffee spoon and oh, it’s probably for the best because we can’t wash anything anyway) and yet, it doesn’t seem real. But you know, having done this twice before, I know that nothing seems real until you get there, and the first few weeks are almost vacation-like, as you wait for your two weeks to be up before returning to your real life. Your real life, which is still going on in the state you just left. And then one day, without even realizing it, you notice that this is your real life, and it’s pretty good.

Wow, that was … deep, right? OMFG, please punch me in the face.

It’s weird, in a way, to think we might not ever do this again. Nice, and a little comforting, now that the emotional rawness of it all has worn off. Missing my friends is the last remaining heartache, and that won’t ever go away, honestly, but we’ll email and talk, and I’ll see them again. I will! (SNIFFLE)

Finally, I spent some quality time reading my own archives recently — it always happens when a family member or longtime friend is combing through them. I wonder what’s in there, and what I was like back then. And wow, was I insufferable and depressed and HELLO INTROSPECTIVE. HELLO JONNA, PLEASE GROW UP AND THANK YOU.

I’m sorry, Dad. Also, to the rest of you out there, reading through your own archives is a spectacularly bad idea, because all you want to do is hit DELETE DELETE ANNOYING DELETE, SHUT UP WHINY GIRL, DELETE.

I hope you guys have a great Thursday! Obviously I won’t be around much the next few days, because, um, moving. You know. (OMFG)

*Genesis, from 1972.

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Entry Filed under: Boston!,General jackassery,Moving moving moving,The anxious anxiety,Vermont

24 Comments Add your own

  • 1. halloweenlover  |  April 28th, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    Can you just move and then be like, NO WAY! What? Mashed potatoes? Those totally weren’t there before we moved. So weird! No? That would be wrong?

    I have to admit I laughed out loud about the pork tenderloin. Good lordy. Hasn’t that boy learned his lesson?

  • 2. Carmen  |  April 29th, 2010 at 12:55 am

    See, now you’ve just made me want to go back and read all your archives. Which, if we’re being honest here, I may have already done when I originally found your blog. But due to the fact that I have only 3 brain cells to rub together on a good day, it would be like reading them for the first time if I were to do it again.

    Good luck with the move. The hard part of packing is already done. Unpacking is fun: deciding how to organize the new place, hanging pictures, etc. Saying goodbye to a place you love, with people you love, is hard though. I’ve done it three times & I’d prefer to never do it again.

  • 3. Cheryl  |  April 29th, 2010 at 4:38 am

    Christalmighty that was one expensive box of mashers! This is what happens when we recycle. In days gone by, one would have thrown the whole damn box in the garbage, potato flakes and all.

    Have fun on your Big Girls night out. Good luck on your move. Lexington beckons with open arms.

  • 4. Kader  |  April 29th, 2010 at 5:38 am

    Correction: The first and last time we’ll have a big girls’ night out in Vermont. There are SO MANY MORE places to go when we come to Mass.

    Also. Pork tenderloin? Perhaps A can do a guest spot in which he explains his thinking re: food disposal. It would be an amazing glimpse into the neatnik brain.

  • 5. Marie Green  |  April 29th, 2010 at 7:12 am

    So, he wanted an entire balanced dinner clogged down there? Or?

    Also, I always read through my archives when I find out someone I know is now reading my blog… and you are right. I want to delete so badly!

    It’s still blowing my mind that you are moving SO SOON. You guys don’t mess around! RIP THAT BANDAID OFF- way to go!

    And I really hope everything else about this move is meat-and-potato-hassle-FREE.

  • 6. Anne  |  April 29th, 2010 at 8:06 am

    Good luck with the move! And maybe put some husband-locks on the garbage disposal in the new place (PORK LOIN?).

  • 7. Nimble  |  April 29th, 2010 at 8:36 am

    Reading your own archives – isn’t that like poking yourself in the eye with a spoon? Not recommended.

  • 8. leigh  |  April 29th, 2010 at 9:06 am

    You are the source of so many cautionary tales. I will heretofore avoid powdered potatoes because, OMFG, it is simply not worth the risk.

    So impressed with your “pick up my life and land in another state in a ridiculously short period of time” skills. I hope everything goes relatively smoothly yet still provides us with more of those uniquely “Jonna” stories.

  • 9. Joe  |  April 29th, 2010 at 9:20 am

    I’m with Adam. If we had a garbage disposal, I’d try to shove an entire turkey down that thing.

  • 10. H  |  April 29th, 2010 at 9:24 am

    We (at this point I don’t remember who had the idea) put uncooked pasta in the garbage disposal at our old house and created a nice pasta plug in our disposal. However, it was apparently not nearly as bad as your mashed potatoes because after a couple of hours of off and on plunging, we were able to clear it. NOT FUN and that was nothing compared to your potato situation!

    I agree with the commenter who suggested some kind of lock on the disposal at your new place. Or, possibly some remedial garbage disposal education?!

    Good luck with your move!!

  • 11. -R-  |  April 29th, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Speaking of your archives, last night I was thinking about the post you wrote where you had to photograph some rescue boat mission and you swam out into the ocean, and I was cracking up just remembering all that. I don’t normally think of your old posts at night (or at all), so please don’t be scared!

  • 12. Shannon  |  April 29th, 2010 at 9:38 am

    I would post a longer comment, but I’m busy spending my life savings to invent a robotic food-eating drain rodent.

  • 13. Life of a Doctor's Wife  |  April 29th, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Are you really not supposed to put pork loin down the disposal? What else am I putting down there that is going to eventually break the thing?

    I mean, I know you can’t put celery in there. Nor can you put potato skins – I know from experience. But PORK LOIN? I’ve done that… Is my disposal getting ready to mutiny?

  • 14. Aunt Becky  |  April 29th, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Whenever I read my archives I’m like, wow, could you have at least TRIED to find a spell check program? REALLY, Becky? COME ON NOW.

  • 15. Kristin H  |  April 29th, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Good luck with your move! I am relieved on your behalf that you might not have to do this again, possibly ever. It’s good to be home.

  • 16. laura  |  April 29th, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    lordy i needed a laugh, wheww thank you mashed potatoes :)
    Anyways this past weekend we had a septic problem, hubby comes in “have you put chicken down the toliet”, me WTF, HUH, chicken?
    i of course say no I stopped that years ago :) septic is fixed but he swears I put chicken in our toliet.
    your in my prayers with the move.

  • 17. Ellen M  |  April 29th, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Also bad to put down the disposal: corn husks and banana peels (well, just the top part; the rest will shred nicely). Not that I have any personal experience with this.

  • 18. Jess  |  April 29th, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    AAAAND also do not put pasta down the disposal. When ground and mixed with water, it forms a lovely paste, akin to glue, which also requires a call to the plumber. Not that I would know anything about that.

  • 19. Allison  |  April 29th, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Don’t peel 5 pounds of potatoes and try to send all the peelings down the disposal either. Water will back up everywhere and the disposal will make terrible grinding, dying sounds. Then you might have to get your dad to come take the entire sink apart to get all the peels out of the drain.

  • 20. SwingCheese  |  April 30th, 2010 at 7:10 am

    I did the potato peels once – my husband was not thrilled about needing to pull them out by hand (ICK!), but we escaped having to call a plumber. And I’ve not put peels down the disposal since. Though I do wonder – if not for vegetable peelings, what on earth is the disposal meant for? Noisy decoration?

  • 21. Deb Rox  |  April 30th, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Your mashed potato story was the MOST REAL & UNAFFECTED thing on the entire Internet this week, and so for that reason it saved me. Really. Good luck with your move!

  • 22. samantha Jo Campen  |  April 30th, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Bryan and I would have had a trial separation and I would have been in a mental institution had The Potato Incident occured at our house so I’m amazed (AMAZED!) that you’re still living with him.

    Seriously. Good job because I? Am not understanding like that, it seems.

    (has mild panic attack just thinking abo–OKAY STOP STOP STOP!)

  • 23. Amy K  |  May 2nd, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    If it makes Adam feel any better, I did the exact same thing a few years ago except with a few tins of loose tea leaves that had been sitting around in our cabinet forever. All I can say in my defense is I must have been very tired when I decided that the garbage disposal would be a much better place to dump the tea than the trash can. We didn’t need to call a plumber, but we did need to purchase a new dishwasher because the leaves travelled through our water lines and, I don’t know, turned into tea shrapnel or something in our old dishwasher. And then we discovered that the previous owners of our house had built the kitchen cabinets around the dishwasher and boxed it in without leaving enough room to remove it or install a new one, so we had to saw the old one in half and then cut a hole in our countertop to put the new one in. So yeah, things that expand in water are bad to put in the sink, mmmkay.

  • 24. Kerstin Barba  |  June 24th, 2013 at 3:01 am

    Don’t peel 5 pounds of potatoes and try to send all the peelings down the disposal either. Water will back up everywhere and the disposal will make terrible grinding, dying sounds. Then you might have to get your dad to come take the entire sink apart to get all the peels out of the drain.

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