No Self Control
May 18th, 2010
Weeeelll, that’s right, friends, I have a blog. Life, it seems, is returning to normal. I hope. This past week was a mishmash of deadline (Glee, and though I love writing those things, they take me FOREVAH) and unpacking and honestly, just stupid dumbass insanity. Without going into it, allow me to share a brief glimpse, bullet-style:
– Our car broke on Adam’s first day of work. Luckily, he took my (newer, fresher, made in this decade) car to work just in case. Had car towed, $550 worth of repairs enacted and … car still broken. More repairs. Three days later (THREE DAYS. OF ME NOT LEAVING THE HOUSE AT ALL. WITH A TODDLER), learn that the car is NOT broken, but Adam had given me his “spare” key, which is an uncoded VALET key, which means it cannot start the car. $250 worth of useless labor expenses, not to mention $100 for a rental car, later, and our car was returned to us in exactly the same condition it was when I tried to start it.
Awesome, right? AWESOME. AND YET!
– Thrush! I got thrush again, and stuffed myself silly with probiotics and kicked it. Again. But not before those three days of being house-bound with a cranky kid and an assload of THRUSH! And no way to fix it! Because I could not get to Whole Foods!
THRUSH! And cabin fever! WIN WIN WIN.
– Bizarre suicide hostage crisis a few blocks from here! With rifles! And SWAT teams! And what the hell! We live in ADORABLE SUBURBAN USA. Not, say, Compton at the height of the crack epidemic.
– A hair appointment that wasn’t, wherein I was dicked around by the first receptionist, when I scheduled a consult and (long) appointment to have my frightening, frightening long-overdue hair colored. Then, when I got there was told I only had a consult, and not a real appointment, which would be fine, except that then the second receptionist said there was no way I EVER had a real appointment in a totally mean tone of voice and then, when I tried to explain, RAISED HER VOICE and said there was no way that happened, and have I ever had my hair colored at a reputable salon before? Because I should have known better.
Me. The customer. Who booked the appointment that they screwed up. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. And she yelled it, too. And for some reason this makes it worse, but she was TWENTY THREE at best, and I’m all, BITCH, I’ve been getting my hair colored LONGER THAN YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE.
So I said thanks, but no thanks to that haircut to nowhere, and stormed off, only to realize I had nowhere to go, because HA! we hadn’t picked up the car yet! So Adam dropped me off! For what he thought would be THREE AND A HALF HOURS! So I had just stormed out to … nothing. I had to sit on their porch while they glared at me out the window until Adam came back with Sam. Ha ha? HA HA HA.
Drama queen fail.
There was more, but I think that covers the highlights. It was a rough week. Smaller, more cheerful events include:
– Complete lack of impulse control now that I’m in sight of actual stores that carry actual things. I am going to send us to the poorhouse, not on extravagant things, but because I completely lack the ability to resist the vast array of cleaning products and other random sundries available at Target. Which brings me to …
– Swiffer! THE SWIFFER! How have I lived this long without a Swiffer? I can’t stop Swiffing! The house is sparkling! There isn’t a single speck of dog hair in sight! I Swiff three times a day! It’s so SATISFYING, all that Swiffing! I also picked up the Swiffer duster and have Swiffed the shit out of my baseboards! My mom suggested the WetJet, and oh dear, the can of worms she opened. I think I spent $60 in Swiffer products alone.
–I have lost (and regained and lost and regained) a lot of weight since having Sam and no matter what size the rest of my body is, my fingers have remained a half size bigger than they were before getting pregnant. Also? My feet are bigger, forever. Like, a whole half size. Which, um, ew.
Ergo, I gave in, friends, and took my wedding rings to be resized at the jeweler where we got them seven (SEVEN) years ago. It was a sad day, but it was time, I’m afraid.
But also? $200 to have them both done. I DIED. I REALLY DID. I know they’re diamond and platinum and it’s not like adjusting one of those rings you get in the gumball machine, but … really? I was floored by this, though I suppose there’s no real reason why. It’s not like I’d ever done it before, but perhaps had I known that, I wouldn’t have done it the same week I spent an ungodly amount on cleaning products, mythical car repairs and other sundry items purchased for no other reason than Because I Could, Dammit, and Finally.
– Our kid is sleeping through the night. DING DONG and HELLO. That only took … fourteen and a half months. She’s sleeping past 5, too, and I owe it all to Twitter, who provided some awesome advice when I threw out a random APB for assvice, and to Accidents, who shared her nightweaning plan. We moved from two naps to one (still a struggle to get that nap to be any length, but …) and I did a little Lite Ferber action (not even any effing crying, just yelling for about five minutes) and WHAT? THAT’S IT? THAT’S ALL IT TOOK?
There is also the small matter of Mr. Mouse, her chosen lovey, and let me tell you, my world is brighter because of Mr. Mouse. She gets EXCITED to go to bed with Mr. Mouse. She SNUGGLES Mr. Mouse. She PLAYS with Mr. Mouse before bed and at the moment, I am currently purchasing the entire stock of Mr. Mouse NATIONWIDE, so don’t even think about trying to buy a mouse toy right now. I’m on that shit and I will SNIPE YOUR ASS ON EBAY. (Or just order it from Kohl’s for $5. Whichever.)
– Sam’s walking! Sort of. She’s still holding on to stuff one-handed for comfort, but if she, say, has two shoes in her hands, she forgets that she’s not holding on to the wall and she just goes. The second she realizes she doesn’t have training wheels, she panics, gives up and crawls. But still! Steps! Oh my girl.
I am shocked — shocked! — at how much more I love the toddler vs. baby phase. I thought I would LOVE having a baby-baby, and, well, I didn’t. Not really. I mean, I loved her, of course, but it’s only gotten better and better and though I know I am in for a shitstorm when she turns three or so, I appreciate a communicative kid over a blob of inscrutable screaming any effing day of the week. Oh, this kid. She is so, so awesome.
*Insert adorable photo here, which I would totally do if I could find the camera, which I cannot. Not even a little*
Happy Wednesday! JE REVIENS.
*Peter Gabriel
Entry Filed under: All Riled Up,Beeber McSteebs,Boston!,General jackassery,Moving moving moving,What the fuck?
63 Comments Add your own
1. Nicole | May 18th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Is it bad I think that your drama queen fail is kind of funny?
I love love love my kids. But, I love them MORE as they get older. Babies, meh. They were okay. But they are so much more fun now, now that they are semi-reasonable human beings with interests and such.
2. slynnro | May 18th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Oh just wait- you will BURN OUT on the Swiffing.
3. Wendy | May 18th, 2010 at 9:57 pm
I pink puffy heart my Swiffer too. So satisfying. It was white! Now it is not! All the dust is gone! Whee!!
4. Jennie | May 18th, 2010 at 10:59 pm
The number of (adorable, perfect, lovely) shoes I can no longer wear, even though I now weigh less than I did the day I got knocked up is HEARTBREAKING.
And if anyone thinks I’m parting with a single pair, they’re insane. Or super rational but DEAD WRONG.
5. agirlandaboy | May 18th, 2010 at 11:02 pm
I thought my feet might have grown a half size when I tried on some tight 10s at Target this weekend, and then I tried on a different style and had to get those in a 9.5 (which I haven’t been since I was 9.5 years old, seriously). So…perhaps it’s not your fingers but the rings. Your rings aren’t from Target are they? (Of course they’re not. This is what happens when I’ve had two glasses of wine and I’m trying to be funny.)
Also: WALKING?!?!? Wile E. Coyote style? I love it.
6. Erin | May 19th, 2010 at 1:20 am
Is it weird that having my feet grow is one of the things I am hoping desperately to have happen if I ever get pregnant? Like, seriously am doing that closed eyes, clasped hands “pleasepleaseplease” thing to have my feet grow? I have small feet so I’m forced to shop in the children’s section and you know what? Having Dora the Explorer on your shoes when you are 31? Is just damn pathetic. All I need is half a size and I should be able to shop in the adult section at the shoe store!
I also thought it was kind of funny that you had to wait on the bench for Adam to come and get you though I can’t believe that some 23 year old snot actually yelled at you. Customer Service FAIL. Seriously!
7. saly | May 19th, 2010 at 8:39 am
The age between 18 months and 3 is probably my absolute favorite. Love it. We are right in the midst of it with my youngest right now, and damn, it is fun.
I’m still up in arms about your hair appointment. Bull shit. What a bunch of assholes.
8. cindy w | May 19th, 2010 at 9:04 am
Toddlers are SO MUCH FUN compared to babies. Not to say I didn’t love my kid when she was a baby, because I totally did. But babies don’t do much of anything and they keep you awake all night. My 3 year-old tells jokes (both on purpose and accidental), and she craps in a toilet. It’s awesome.
I think it was Dooce who wrote about how with each new age/phase, she’d feel like, “Oh, this is my favorite age ever! I want to freeze her right at this exact age!” And then the next phase rolls around and she’d feel like, “No, this. THIS is the best ever!” Point being, I think it evolves as time goes on. I’m still dreading the teenage years, though.
I read about the salon incident on Twitter, and it’s just mind-boggling. You should totally name the salon & link to them. You could start your own “Don’t buy Maytag!” movement. But, um, on a slightly smaller scale.
9. Life of a Doctor's Wife | May 19th, 2010 at 9:56 am
Oh wow – that sounds like the week from hell. Here’s hoping things just keep getting better and better.
And good for you for storming out of that salon. What is WRONG with people?
10. Cheryl | May 19th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Welcome back to your blog. I was just thinking about you last night and hoping your world was all joyous and happy. Sorry about all the pukey shit that you’ve been dealing with. Sam is absolutely gorgeous in that photo you posted. I love toddler through about age 5 the best. Before the schools get their grubby hands on the kids.
11. Amanda | May 19th, 2010 at 11:36 am
Umm… could you please provide all the lovely assistance you received on the “JESUS F*CKING CHRIST KID, COULD YOU PLEASE SLEEP THROUGH THE FIRST ONE TIME?!?! JUST ONE GLORIOUS UNINTERUPTED NIGHT OF SLEEP…. (please for the love of god!)” front. I um, *might* be suffering through something similar with my lovely son who at almost 11 months, wakes up every two hours…… no not to eat, just to scream…. please help. : )
(PS Before everyone calls CPS, I don’t actually talk or scream at my son like that… although if it would work…. hmmmm) Kidding… kinda.
12. Leigh | May 19th, 2010 at 11:39 am
I’m very lucky that I didn’t get stretch marks during pregnacny and that most of my body is in its pre-preggo state (well except for being old as the hills now). But the two things that never recovered (or should I say “four”?): breasteses and feet. Boobs got smaller (and less roundy) and feet got bigger. Sigh. And to top that all off, now I have a 16 year old!!!!
13. jonniker | May 19th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
Amanda: I am a fan of Ferber, although if you’re scared, a modified one with longer waiting times also works — that’s why I like it. I can go on about this for a long time via email if you want!
14. Jen | May 19th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
All of your Swiffering is reminding me that I need to Swiff in this house. BADLY.
Yay for Sam walking! That stage of watching Avery Frankenstein her way through the house was a little nerve-wracking for me, but they become steady on their feet so quickly!
Please find another place to get your hair done because no one needs insane hair bitches in their lives.
15. Christine | May 19th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
I just wet-jetted my house last night, and my floors are sparkly. Woot!
And man, that hair salon is out of control. Although I will say, next time, to truly effectuate your walk out, you should at least find a bench down the block to make it look like you were really gone.
16. Heather | May 19th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
De-lurking just to say that if you LOVE swiffing that much, then you totally need the Swiffer Vac. It is quite possibly the world’s greatest piece of awsome-ness. Also, I laughed so hard at your drama queen moment.
17. Marie Green | May 19th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
What a week! Also, I used to love Swiffering but then I suddenly didn’t anymore.
18. Kerri Anne | May 19th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
I LOVE SWIFFERING. Or swiffing! Or, whatever the correct verb to use is whenever I find myself dancing around my hard-wood-floored apartment marveling at “Oooh, how shiny” everything looks. (I totally have the WetJet and it’s AWESOME.)
Also awesome: Peter Gabriel and you never having thrush again, amen.
19. Andrea | May 20th, 2010 at 4:55 am
Lovely!
20. Andrea | May 20th, 2010 at 4:56 am
Lovely!
21. Amanda | May 20th, 2010 at 8:22 am
Detailed info for me to read and read and read over again during the screaming…. yes please!! : )
22. Accidents | May 21st, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I’ve been totally avoiding the internet for days and days because of impending writing deadlines of doom and the visit from a dear friend (which happily coincides with child sleeping through the night, so we can actually DRINK on the back deck for HOURS with out interruption, or even LEAVE at NIGHT with H’s father home, this life is so great). So I just noticed this post today and was like Hey! Shout out! So nice.
Our kids are so freaking similar it’s crazy (based on what I gather from your blog, at least); it makes total sense that similar sleep “programs” would work for them, even though they have both been shit sleepers their whole 14 month+ lives. I, too, wonder if we could/should have done it sooner, but what’s the point in that wondering? We’re sleeping now.
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24. Kelly | May 22nd, 2010 at 9:19 am
I held off on Ferber/Mindell as long as I could. I should have done it a lot sooner. But right around 14 months, sleeping all night. Thanks Richard and Jodi!
12-24 months is, IMO, the best ever. They’re generally so pleasant, so cute, developing at the speed of light, not quite ready to tantrum. Enjoy it. It rocks.
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