People of my Village
May 24th, 2010
Well! That’s over. We had a family wedding this weekend, with houseguests, and have I ever mentioned that I love houseguests? I do. It’s a very strange thing, apparently, but a houseful of people always makes me feel warm and fuzzy and weirdly safe, like we can’t be broken into or murdered or anything strange, because there are so! many! people! Who could get away with such a thing? We have four-ish bedrooms and every last one of them was occupied by someone who would doubtless scream if intruded upon. Safety!
Plus, you know, I enjoy their company. That’s true, too. But once houseguests leave, there is the cleaning. Oh, the cleaning. Everything has three times as much dirt on it as before, because there were three more people involved and now there are toilets and laundry and maybe even bears, oh my!
It was a relatively uneventful family wedding–beautiful, loving and all that jazz. Two nights prior, however, my kid lost her shit at a family dinner in a janky-but-delicious Chinese restaurant (South Pacific in Newton, for those playing along at home–they have an original tiki room and serve scorpion bowls), and for the FRILLIONTH time, discovered that my kid bawls like a maniac whenever she’s confronted with an old(er) lady, this time being her great-aunt. There’s a juvenile prejudice that’s fun to explain! Hi! My kid hates old ladies! Yes, I’m sure YOU are lovely, but you are very clearly OLD and old ladies freak her out! So please, no no, don’t say hi to her, thanks. At all. It freaks her out. Yes, even you. YES, YOU, OLD LADY. YOU TOO.
Nice, right? Nice. My kid’s an ageist little pooper.
I am also really unclear why a restaurant, upon seeing a TABLEFUL of kids under the age of four, would refuse to deviate from their plan of offering their pu pu platters with towering flames in the center, but then again, some things defy logic, am I right? Here, kids! Let’s practice lighting our eyebrows on fire!
Anyway. Let us now discuss stink bugs. Do you guys KNOW what stink bugs are? HA HA. They look like this. (LINK TERRIFYING! WARNING!) And did you know those em effers can FLY? I did not know this. I had NO idea, in fact, until the other night when I thought I saw a fly and watched it land and NEARLY EFFING DIED. You can’t kill them, you see, because their stupid pheromones go shooting out and then you have a plague of stink bugs, not to mention they, um, STINK.
So there I am, trying to be calm and shit while I aim to trap it in two, um, cups (what?) and then … I LOST IT. AND FELT SOMETHING DOWN MY BACK. AND MADE A STRANGLED KIND OF NOISE. And God, look, there was wild running around and crazy tapdancing, and I wanted so bad to scream, but you know, MUST NOT WAKE BABY, so I just waved myself around wildly while frantically whispering, “HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME.”
HELP NEVER CAME. Or rather, it did, but HELP WAS LAUGHING TOO HARD TO ACTUALLY HELP. This went on for several minutes until I finally just locked myself on the sun porch and got buck naked, dislodging the stink bug from … oh God, from WHEREVER IT WAS, and Adam took it outside, thank you Jesus, and Amen.
GHWRLKHTHEWARTTICKETH.
I mean, RIGHT?
And now, let us cleanse ourselves with a delightful picture of my daughter, looking rather diabolical, yet adorable, in her wedding finery. Well, with strawberry stains, but whatever.
(Yes, that’s me in the background at an Unfortunate Angle, I hope, as I am looking rather PREGNANT, which is a state that I am not, I assure you.)
Happy Tuesday!
*Rusted Root
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Nuttin',Uncategorized,What the fuck?
22 Comments Add your own
1. TwoBusy | May 24th, 2010 at 8:38 pm
Honestly, I think laughing hysterically is the only reasonable reaction to that scenario.
2. ABDPBT | May 24th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Aww! She definitely has some plans. Devilish ones. I know that look.
3. nonsoccermom | May 24th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Hahaha! I’m sorry, I laughed out loud at the description of your stinkbug, erm, adventure. I know far too much about those nasty little things now, since my son had to do a project on them just last week. He CHOSE stinkbugs. VOLUNTARILY. And the project involved COLOR PHOTOS. GRAH.
4. Marie Green | May 24th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
I love having house guests too, for the safety reasons you mentioned. Like you said, seems like too many people and too much activity for any sort of foul play. I, ah, also just simply like having house guests. It’s so cozy and also fun to share little bits of our daily life with people.
Also, Sam looks smashing! Love her dress!
5. Jen | May 24th, 2010 at 8:47 pm
You do not look pregnant! You look proud and happy about your sweet girl, which you should be as she is just so freaking cute. The curls! The pink cheeks! Oh, she is a doll face.
It just took me four tries to spell FACE. Faca. Fece. This is what happens when I comment at night.
Avery’s little prejudice is a little more understandable – it appears to be against men over six feet tall. Which would be fine, but all my brothers are giants and apparently very sensitive about babies are scared of them.
6. Nothing But Bonfires | May 24th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
YES, I feel the exact same way about houseguests. It’s the only time I ever sleep through the night. That and when I’M the houseguest at my parents’ house.
7. samantha Jo Campen | May 24th, 2010 at 9:21 pm
The thing that makes me laugh-cry is you WHISPERING “Help me. Help me. Help me.”
Man I was a mess when that got tweeted and shit if I’m not a mess again. There’s squeaking and snorting and OMG I JUST LOVE YOU.
(And who is that little GIRL in your house? GAH!)
8. Beth Fish | May 24th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
I think that stink bugs actually smell rather pleasant. Or I am just feeling defensive since we get so many in the house. Owen, however? Well, you can have his “dink dugs” when you pry them from his cold, dead hands. So hurray for toddler entertainment, I say,
9. H | May 24th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
Sam is so damn cute!
10. Megan | May 24th, 2010 at 11:05 pm
I have to admit, it took me a few minutes to realize that wasn’t your front door. Um?? Moron, right here.
EWWWW about the stinkbug. Just EW. I think we had one last year, I refused to let J squish it.
11. JCF | May 24th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
She is so cute!
Sam’s fear of old ladies makes me feel better about my son’s fear, which is men with facial hair. He specializes in men with DARK facial hair. What can I say? We’re a bunch of pasty Irish/northern Europeans on both sides of the family, and more than one (rude) person has actually had the balls to ask if our son is albino. No, he is just really, really white. With really white hair. And the lightest eyes I have ever seen. But he gets called albino/Aryan on a regular basis in public, and then he screams about men with dark beards. This does not look good.
12. Juli Ryan | May 25th, 2010 at 1:44 am
Oh, how you make me laugh, every dang time you post. Thank you.
13. Jenna | May 25th, 2010 at 5:22 am
GAH. When we moved here to VA, the stink bug invasion had me up at night for hours listening for their little buzzing sound after one landed ON MY FACE as I was TRYING TO SLEEP. (Will now work very hard to dislodge caps lock.).
Now, I’m so used to them that I just gently pick them up in a tissue and flush them down the toilet (you must start the flush, then quickly drop it, tissue and all, in the toilet otherwise it will FLY OUT OF THE TOILET AND LODGE ITSELF ON YOUR FACE.) (SORRY BUT THAT TOO DESERVES CAPS LOCK.)
14. Kader | May 25th, 2010 at 5:29 am
I spent most of the photo viewing time feeling sad–Sam is grown up and walking. And, hey, there’s my FRIEND in the background.
So glad to hear you like houseguests so much. We’ll bring lots of Vermont detritus to leave behind.
15. Leigh | May 25th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Seriously, you may noe know this, but things like the stink bug incident? (over which I am dying, by the way) Just do not happen to other people as often as they happen to you. This is why I am ever so grateful you have a blog and can share these moments of hilarity with all of us.
16. Deb | May 25th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
a) What in the heck is a Scorpion Bowl? Because I hope it’s not what I am picturing.
b) stink bug = EW
17. Life of a Doctor's Wife | May 25th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
I am so impressed that you had a creepy bug (and dear god I hope that link you included doesn’t picture it in LIFE SIZE) down your shirt and you didn’t even scream.
And who can blame your little one for disliking old ladies? Sleeves full of kleenex… white curls… gentle voices. All utterly terrifying!
18. Carolyn J. | May 25th, 2010 at 9:22 pm
OK, maybe it’s winter six months of the year here, but at least we don’t have stink bugs.
19. Snake River, Channel Catf&hellip | May 26th, 2010 at 4:23 am
[...] People οf mу Village | Jonniker. [...]
20. Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo | May 28th, 2010 at 1:01 am
Dude, you KNOW that Sharon Tate had houseguests on THAT night right?
21. Swistle | May 28th, 2010 at 11:09 am
1. CUTE DRESS ALERT!
2. I wonder if a stink-bug could be FLUSHED? Because I’d hate to just release it back to where it can plot its next attack.
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